Chapter Ten
Bane had no idea how long he’d been prostrate on his study floor when a light tap on the door roused him, but he was almost positive he’d fallen asleep at some point. He was calmer and the gut wrenching pressure and stress had subsided. His eyes still stung slightly reminding him that only a short time ago he’d been pouring his heart out to God, but now that he’d purged himself he felt lighter than he had in quite a while. He always heard that crying was cathartic, now he understood what they meant. He stood up and took a deep breath to make sure his voice wouldn’t betray his shakiness. “Come in.”
Delilah poked her head in the door, “Hi Daddy, there’s a man from the church that’s here to see you. He said his name was Gordon?”
“Gordon? Gordon? Oh John, John Gordon, yeah, I know him tell him to come in. Oh and thanks Delilah.” She smiled and disappeared back down the hall before a man appeared in the doorway tapping lightly on the frame.
“Hi John, nice to see you come in come in. How are you? How’s the family?” Bane extended his hand to the man then ushered him into the study closing the door behind them.
“Good, they’re good Mr. Bronson.”
“No, no, call me Bane. What can I do for you John?”
“Well, this is going to sound a bit... unusual, but...” the man scratched the back of his neck obviously nervous and Bane couldn’t help but wonder if the other shoe was about to drop. “I was hoping that you’d hear my confession.”
He couldn’t hide the look of surprise and confusion on his face and John didn’t know whether to laugh or apologize and run from the house back to his car. “Confession? I’m not a priest John, by no means. In fact I’m pretty much as far removed from it as possible, or at least I was.” The thought of him as a priest made him chuckle making him feel just a bit easier.
“I know, I know, and I know that we’re not Catholic, but the word says that we should confess our sins to each other so that we can support and learn from each other’s mistakes and while I was praying this evening God laid it on my heart that I needed to confess... to you. I hope you don’t think I’m crazy, because I could really use a friend right now.”
He didn’t know what to think, but what he did know was this man wasn’t the only one that could use a friend right about now. “I don’t know what good I’ll be, but I’m game if you are. If anybody knows what He’s doing, it’s God. I sure don’t at this point.”
Gordon caught the pain and uncertainty in Bane’s voice, but decided to let it go; at least for now. Something told him he’d talk when he felt like it and pushing him might slam the door shut. Maybe that’s why God had lead him here, maybe this man needed help with a problem as much as he did. “Let’s see, how to start. You know I ran this over and over in my mind on my way over here trying to put together exactly what I was going to say. If you didn’t throw me out on my rear that is, and now that I’m standing here I don’t know where to start. Funny huh?”
“How about starting by sitting down.” and Bane pointed to the leather chairs. “Would you like something to drink?” Gordon took to the arm of one of the luxury seats not comfortable enough to sit anywhere else.
“Water would be great.”
Bane walked behind his bar and pulled a cold bottle from the mini fridge concealed below and tossed it to him then sat on his desk opposite him patiently waiting for Gordon to start when he was ready to. It didn’t take long, a couple of swallows from the bottle and he seemed to gather his thoughts.
“I want, no, I need to confess my anger. I mean I know that there’s nothing wrong with getting angry, Jesus had righteous anger, but I let it get too far and I take it out on others, on my family sometimes. I let it boil inside me and seethe until I begin to hate and Jesus equated hate with murder. So I’m here to confess all of it.
I’ve always had a short fuse, been quick tempered and it’s gotten me in trouble more than once, but I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want my wife and kids to shy away from me because they’re scared of me. Not that I’d ever hurt them, but I know I don’t make things comfortable around the house when I’m having a, well I guess if I were honest I’d call it a fit. A fit of anger, rage, or as my father would call it a temper tantrum, let’s face it what I’m having is an adult size temper tantrum.”
Bane chuckled, “Yeah, I’ve been there. Funny, we try to teach our kids that it’s not the right thing to do to throw a temper tantrum. That it’s not grown up and yet we do the exact same thing and justify it.”
“Exactly, because we’re just blowing off steam or because it really made us mad and we just have to get it out.”
“But we don’t always vent the right way and we end up holding things in until our kids or wife says something or does something that gets to us and we explode on them.”
“Then we spend the rest of the night feeling like dogs and trying to make amends. That is when we’re not trying to justify blowing up and actually realize that we’ve been a world class idiot. I don’t know what’s wrong with me sometimes. I mean if you came to the door while I was pitching a fit I’d straighten up and act like the world’s most put together stable man, but when I’m home and it’s just me and the family I let it go and regret it later. If I was at work or church or in public...”
“With people that you care about seeing all sides of you right? Not like your family, they accept all of you so you take advantage of that.” Bane shook his head.
“That’s about the size of it.”
“You know I never had that problem until I got saved. Before I didn’t care what anyone thought if I acted like a... well like you said a world class idiot to put it politely and I still didn’t care after I was done. Now that I care a lot more about how I act, especially in front of the world I feel like I’m two different people sometimes and I don’t know which one I like.”
“How’s that?”
“Well on the one hand in public I act a lot more like the man I should, but I feel constrained especially when that old man rears his ugly head and I want to tell someone off. At home I know that when I slip up and say or do things that I shouldn’t they’ll overlook it, but I hate being that guy that just pops off without thinking out of anger or whatever. Saying things that aren’t true, but at the time just come out. I’m still new at this Christian thing and after the life I’ve lived I’m finding it hard to hold on sometimes. I mean I’m trying so hard to change and be a man of God, but... I don’t know...”
“Well there’s your problem Bane.”
“What is?”
“Trying to do it all yourself, it’s impossible. If it wasn’t we wouldn’t need Christ. Don’t worry we all do it. Every single Christian, at least the grown up ones that haven’t been brought up in Christ all our lives and taught grace properly. I had a devil of a time with it if you’ll excuse the pun. I spent years trying to change everything, me, my wife, my kids, my coworkers and all it got me was a headache. I was actually sitting behind the wheel of my car one day in the driveway pounding on the steering wheel yelling to God about not being able to change things, and when I had finally stopped hollering, when I had nothing left I finally heard Him. I just had to shut up long enough and I guess He was waiting until I ran out of steam because with my temper that’s about the only time I do shut up.”
“Mind sharing with the class I could really use a word myself here.”
“First He reminded me that He didn’t leave me after I had asked His forgiveness and accepted Him into my life to straighten out my mess for myself. Then He told me that He never asked me to change everything, what He asked me was to have faith in Him and allow Him to work through me to change me. He knew what He was getting when He crated me; nothing I could ever do was going to surprise Him. He knew I was a mess and He forgave me anyway because He is love and was and is prepared to spend the rest of my life working out my issues with me and for me. I didn’t have to do it all on my own and certainly not all at once. I was trying to juggle too many balls
at once when God had never asked me to do it in the first place. His gift of salvation and grace was meant to be opened, accepted and used not just put on a shelf. Like getting a present all wrapped up in a nice box then putting it on the bookshelf and looking at it, it’s nice and all, but the box was meant to be opened, it’s pointless otherwise. It wasn’t a one-time thing; it’s the gift that keeps on giving no matter how long it takes. Once I realized that I was okay; that God wasn’t mad at me because I didn’t immediately straighten up and act right I can’t tell you how much better I felt. Just knowing that it wasn’t my job to make everyone else change, and that I didn’t have to fix everything that was wrong with me at once, boy that felt as good as the day I got saved.”
“What happened then?”
“He gave me a vacation.”
“A vacation?”
“Yep, a vacation from well... everything. He let me see myself in a new light, I may not be the person that I’m meant to be yet, but I’m still a far ways from where I was. I went from denying His entire existence to not only accepting His existence, but to asking Him to govern my entire life. So I got a break from trying to fix even one thing that was wrong with me, or my situation, a grace period. You know like right after you accept Jesus’ salvation and you get that euphoric phase where everything just seems brighter.”
“Yeah, I miss that, but that phase didn’t last did it?”
“No, but it wasn’t so bad this time; once I let Him deal with me the way He wanted me to, when He wanted me to. He wasn’t going to give me more than I could handle and everything He asked me to face He gave me; He gives all of us the ability to go through.
After that, when I was ready He pointed out my works problem. I was so busy working for God, going to church, serving on church boards, running charity drives, I wasn’t actually spending time with Him. I was looking down my nose at others that weren’t serving, that weren’t acting ‘Godly’ including my own kids that I hadn’t seen that I had turned into the very definition of a Pharisee.”
“I didn’t think they existed anymore.”
“Are you kidding? There’s more now than ever and in every branch of Christianity and more are rising up every day and for the longest time I was one of them. Calling everyone ‘brother’ to their face and then talking about them behind their backs only this time I felt completely justified because they were sinners and I was on team God. Even my church friends and family weren’t safe from my judgment. It was always something, who had a new expensive watch when all they dropped into the collection plate was five dollars, or who was seen drinking at a sports bar instead of being at the church meeting.
I nearly drove my kids away from God. Demanding that they straighten up and act right, put on that good church face. How could they say this or how could they do that, God would be so disappointed in them. I made them feel like they were never good enough and I was spending so much time in my church duties I never spent any with them. I had gotten it into my head that only by serving the church and doing the charity work and being on this board and that was I doing what God wanted of me. Fortunately He slapped me upside the back of my head before it was too late.
I hadn’t show up to my daughter’s recital because of a deacons meeting. It was a small thing at least I thought so at the time, but she had been rehearsing for so long and she had been so nervous and so proud. That night when I came home my wife simply took my hand and said, ‘Which is worse, not serving on a church group or not guiding and teaching the blessing of children that He has entrusted you with? God wouldn’t have given you a family if He didn’t want you to be part of it.’ Then she kissed me. It took a few days for that to sink in and I admit I had no clue what to do or where to go from there and I made so many mistakes it wasn’t even funny, but I’m better for it.
I went from looking down my nose at people who were obvious big time sinners and avoiding them to being afraid to say anything to them at all. I remember this one time I was in the supermarket at the checkout and the girl working the register was wearing a pentagram necklace and all I could see was the heartache that that pendant represented and the spirit stirred within me to say something to her about it, but I was scared. I didn’t want to offend her and sound like some religious nut condemning her so all I said was ‘Do you know what that truly means?’ She looked at me confused and the bagger gave her a smirk and me a sideways glimpse and she raised her head and said ‘yes’. I knew I should have said more, but all I could say was ‘okay’ and I left. After I walked out of the store I kicked myself for not saying more for not doing more to... I don’t know, open her eyes, help her see what kind of road she was walking. That cliff that was right in front of her, but I didn’t I froze. I chickened out so that I wouldn’t come off as crazy. It was pure ego, not wanting to look like a fool even for Christ who had died for me. I couldn’t even do that one thing for Him for some stranger that I would probably never see again and I haven’t.
For years I’d remember my failure to stand up for that girl who couldn’t have been more than eighteen and the guilt was right there every time I thought about it and I’d kick myself all over again for my failure. Then one day while going through the whole scenario in my head for the hundredth time or more God finally took pity on me and asked me how long I was going to beat myself up over that and I said once again how I had failed Him and her. That’s when He put me in my place. Asking me if I thought His power was that limited that He couldn’t work with even that simple question that I had asked her? He created the universe in six days and yet I was limiting what He could do with my confrontation over the necklace as short as it was. Didn’t I think that His Holy Spirit was capable of using that simple question to make her wonder to make her doubt her actions? How many times had one simple statement or question played itself over and over in my mind until I came to some profound realization or to Him? It was like a huge weight of failure had been lifted off of me and it allowed me to forgive myself this time and the next time I failed or sinned and the next time and the next. So instead of spending weeks, months or even years beating myself up and feeling guilty over something I did wrong I can take a deep breath and forgive myself and let it go, striving to do better next time. That’s what really matters to God anyway. Like the apostle Paul said, I do the things that I don’t want to do and don’t do the things that I want, but I’m still alright with God because my heart is in the right place.”
“How’d the kids take the new you?”
“Confused at first, but then again so was I. I had to learn the difference between having a religion with all its rules and rituals and having a relationship with God and that took some retraining. Having a list of rules and conditions and a set of punishments and acts of atonement are actually a lot easier in a lot of ways. You know where you stand, having faith by grace is true freedom, but the faith part takes work and can be scary having to just trust completely; like a child. Prayer had to become a regular conversation with God instead of this formal invocation where I changed the way I spoke and changed my voice like I was calling on some ancient mighty demi-god or performing a sacrifice. Once I got in the habit of relaxing and just talking to Him like a normal person about everything and I mean everything things began to click.
I also had to stop looking at the Ten Commandments as a strict ‘do this or I’ll strike you down’ list of rules and started looking at it as a love letter from my Father. That was another hurdle, looking at God as a Father and not just the man upstairs with a lightning bolt ready to fry my behind if I stepped out of line. The Bible, the Word it all made a lot more sense once I got that into my thick skull. The rules weren’t really rules anymore they were warnings of things that I needed to avoid in my life if I wanted peace and joy. Things that would hurt me, like when you tell your kids not to touch the stove because it will burn them or not to put their fingers in a light socket. It suddenly made since that it wasn’t that He’d punish me if I stepped out of line, but that my actions would hurt me a
nd those I love if I indulged in certain activities. I mean who can cheat on their spouse or rob someone and not have it cause a problem. Just by coveting or drooling over what we don’t have makes us discontent then unhappy, many times consuming us until we either buy what we can’t afford or take what’s not ours. Not that we shouldn’t want a better life for ourselves and our family, but not being content to just be has lead all of us to do some pretty stupid things.”
“Tell me about it. I’ve done my fair share and I have a feeling that I’m not done yet.”
“None of us are really. It’s something that we have to regularly guard against and I have more than one conversation with myself that I don’t need this, or that will only cost more in the long run. The new title and admiration and envy that goes along with it isn’t the only thing that matters and well I’m still at it. That’s part of the reason why I’m here.”
“Yeah you said it had something to do with your temper?”
“Oh it has a lot to do with a lot of things if I were to be perfectly honest with you... and myself. Ego is probably a big chunk of it, admitting I’m wrong gracefully would be helpful too. Around my boss and coworkers it’s not so bad, I take my lumps as they come and push it aside, but at home I just let go and turn into someone I regret being later and each time I make excuses for it.”
“What have you tried, to calm down, curb your anger?”
“Oh I think I’ve tried just about everything. I’ve tried counting, prayer, walking away, a stiff drink, natural calming herbs, saying ‘Help me Jesus’ until the words all slurred together in my brain. Sometimes they work sometimes they don’t.”
“Maybe you need some bunny fluff?” Bane tried to keep a straight face.
“Do what? Bunny... fluff?” The look Gordon gave him broke what little composure Bane had.
Bane chuckled, “Yeah, it’s something my youngest came home with one day. It seems he’d been getting upset over not being able to make one of his art projects at school and the more worried he got the worse he did until he was ready to throw whatever it was in the trash. That’s when his teacher taught him to use bunny fluff and one day a few months back Mitchell saw that I was stressed over something and he slid onto my lap and told me to use bunny fluff to help. He said that if you just take a deep breath and say bunny fluff over and over soon you can’t help but smile and be happy again. I thought it was cute and thanked him, but didn’t put much stock in it until one day I was in a mood and everything seemed to be going wrong and I was having a hard time calming down. Then Mitchell’s words popped in my head and I figured why not, it couldn’t hurt so I started to say bunny fluff nice and evenly and wouldn’t you know it the little guy was right it actually made me calm down and even laugh. It works better if you say it out loud somehow listening to the words ‘bunny fluff’ just sound so odd and makes you picture fluffy little rabbit tails you can’t help but calm down. At least it works for me, maybe between that and the thought of my boy sitting on my lap trying to help me with stress it all comes together.”
“At this point I’m willing to try anything. It wasn’t so bad before, but now...”
“What’s come up, if you don’t mind me asking? What’s changed?”
“Long hours, extra work stress, lack of sleep, my schedule and this stupid situation that I stumbled into and can’t seem to get myself out of. It’s like I fell into this hole that keeps getting deeper and deeper the more I try to climb out and I don’t know what to do anymore, Bane.”
“I’m listening.” He put his smile away and gave his guest his full attention.
Gordon took a deep breath scrubbing his face with his hand, knowing this was really the reason he was here, it wasn’t just the anger it was the root of it and he was about to break under the strain of it all. “It’s like this. I’m in project marketing and our company recently landed a new client that my boss has been courting for years so naturally everyone involved with the project has had to step up their game or step out. I’m good at my job, I don’t quit until it’s the best it can get which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s gotten me into a good secure position at my company, but this particular project has meant more of a workload than I’ve ever had and longer hours to go with it. Sometimes I feel as though I live at the office as well as the other guys, but...”
“It’s always that but.”
John huffed, “You have no idea. I had no idea what I was doing, at least not in the way everyone thinks. I knew what it was like putting in those long hours, how hard it was on me and my family and everyone else that had to trudge along with me including my assistant who had more things dumped on her shoulders than just about anyone. Having to deal with her life, her work load, and trying to handle my person life as well with calls to the wife and reminding me of errands and sometimes doing them for me; so I tried to be sympathetic. I tried to get her coffee when I got me some, or order lunch for us both, to let her know how much I appreciated her, just trying to lighten the load a bit, but she took it the wrong way. I was just trying to be nice like a Christian should be, be considerate of others and all and let her know that I recognized her efforts, but she took it as flirting, as me showing interest in her and since she was single at the time she wanted to pursue things. I don’t know much about her outside of work, I tried not to get too personal, but I did ask her about herself a few times just to be friendly.
I should have known better. I shouldn’t have focused my efforts on easing just her stress. Maybe if I’d gotten everyone coffee or pizza or something it wouldn’t have looked so intimate? I didn’t even see it coming, when she came onto me I thought she was joking, I was stunned. To me it came out of left field, but somehow in her mind it had been going on for some time. I tried to tell her that I was a happily married man figuring that that would be the end of it, but it seems that being married isn’t the deterrent it used to be and she had no problem carrying on anyway. From there it just got worse, I tried to explain that I was just being friendly that I didn’t mean to lead her on and that that was in no way my intention, but she thought I was playing hard to get or something, trying to preserve the image of the dutifully married man. After that it snow balled, badly. The men at the office, not all of them, but quite a few either began patting me on the back or making the worst comments I’ve heard in a long time and the more I deny that anything is going on between this woman and myself the more they’re determined that I’m having an affair with her.”
“Ouch, that’s rough.”
“Yeah? Well that’s not all that’s just the beginning. There’s this woman that works for the company who, how do I say this politely? She likes men, she likes the attention mostly and when she first started working there she went through as many as she could. To what extent I don’t know, all I know is that she was extremely flirtatious and she even tried with me like all the others, but when I didn’t pay her any notice she moved on and that was perfectly fine by me, but now that it’s going throughout the office like wildfire that I’m well...”
“Not as committed to your wife as everyone thought?”
“Precisely, now I can’t get her to leave me alone. She pops up everywhere I go and her flirting has gotten downright vulgar in some ways. She’s always trying to touch me, just enough to look innocent to some people, but enough to let me know her intentions. She makes comments that are clearly innuendoes, but have just enough of a loophole so that she can say they were innocent and I took things the wrong way and if the guys in the office weren’t bad before they’re intolerable now. I tell you I don’t know what to do. I’m so stressed over the whole thing I explode at the slightest thing at home now. Then I feel guiltier than I’ve ever felt before in my life.”
“Have you told your wife?”
“Are you crazy? I don’t even know where to start. I live in fear that one of these women will make some sort of comment to her when they decide to call the house for me or that one of the guys will say something for that matter. I’ve seriously
considered quitting my job.”
“Well, it’s definitely not easy no matter what side of the fidelity fence you’re on. It takes a lot of faith in the other person to believe you when you’re innocent and even more when you’re not. I should know.” Now it was Bane’s turn for a little confession. Not that it wasn’t already public record spread over every gossip rag in at least three countries that he knew of, but somehow when he put that part of his life behind him he was hoping he wouldn’t have to revisit parts of it anymore. Guess he was wrong, but if it could help someone, anyone and especially someone that had always treated him with kindness and needed his help now than it was more than worth it.
“Not long after my son Parker was born some woman popped up claiming that I had fathered her child. There of course was a paternity suit and it was all over the news. I didn’t know the woman, but unfortunately back then it didn’t matter. I did more than my fair share of dabbling in drugs and there’s a lot that I didn’t remember. The only thing that saved me this time was that the young woman was claiming that I had fathered her child during one of my concert tours and at the time she said we were together I was working out a scheduling issue with my manager. I knew I was in the clear, but it took quite a bit of faith on my wife’s part to believe that even with Larry, that’s my manager, vouching for me.
I’d thought about letting it go with that, no need to rock the boat, but I was older and a bit wiser at that point. I hadn’t been as innocent in the past and wasn’t planning on being entirely without sin in the future either and I figured that this woman wouldn’t be the only one to bring a paternity suit against me. Usually once one comes out of the woodwork more follow and with my kids getting older I didn’t want to put them through all the scandal and the ridicule of the kids at school. It may sound mean, but you know what little monsters some kids can be, not to mention what Shaylon would go through so I decided to lay it all out on the table. I told Shaylon everything, everything that I could remember anyway and each time after that I told her about it. I can’t say that she was happy, but she knew my heart was hers at least I hope she did and that it was just sex and she understood mostly. One of the perks of liberal thinking. It also helped when someone did come forward we were able to face it together with honesty between us.
Back then I had no real guilt over any of my... affairs, mostly only if I had gotten caught and that was only my own ego rearing up at being caught. Now it’s different, now I wonder how I could have ever done any of it and the guilt eats at me.”
“Just like a cancer.”
“Like a cancer I have no cure for.”
“But that’s not true. You’ve already been forgiven by God and your wife, all that’s left is to accept it, forgive yourself and move on. Don’t give the Devil any more of your life than you already have.”
“Then how about you do the same. Tell your wife everything. It will be much easier with you being innocent of adultery and the two of you need to be united in this. It will be so much worse for both of you if she finds out the wrong side of the story for herself. She’ll go through all those feelings of hurt and betrayal then have to find the strength and faith to believe in you. At least if you go to her she’ll feel like you weren’t hiding it from her hoping not to get caught. You’ll save both of you a lot of grief, take it from someone who knows and it will reduce your stress massively. In fact you’ll probably feel amazing once it’s off your shoulders.”
“But how do I deal with work, with both of these women? Any idea what to do with that one?”
“Yeah, I’ve had a few experiences in that department as well. I know you don’t want to hurt your assistants feelings and that you don’t want to be the bad guy especially when you see it as being your fault in the first place. Not that I’m mitigating that because let’s face it you dropped the ball, but I’ve no room to talk I’ve done that and more. Anyway you have to be straight forward with her, not cruel, but firm and even maybe a little harsh. Tell her there never was anything and never will be, that your kindness was meant to relieve the stress of an already stressful work load and nothing more. Don’t compliment her saying that it’s because you’re married and you think that she’s really nice and that’s it’s not her. Ten to one you may end up with a stalker on your hands that thinks that you really do want her, but that your wife and marriage is in the way. That will end badly, trust me. I’m not saying that’s what will happen and that this woman is unstable, but there needs to be no lingering doubt in her mind. It’s like a Band-Aid, it’s gonna hurt, but you have to just yank it off, going slow only prolongs the pain.
As for the more... flirtatious one, that’s a bit different. Pushing her away may only entice her further, some women make it their personal challenge to go after that one hold out and now that she thinks you’re not beyond indiscretion she’ll pull out everything in her arsenal. With her you’ll have to be more direct and even, to you, a little mean. You can’t give an inch, you have to set boundaries and tell her that you’re intention is not to be cruel, but that other than direct work related issues you refuse to have anything to do with her. She has gotten the wrong idea about you, you are completely true to your wife and family and if she has difficulty in keeping her distance than you’ll have no choice than to report her to her superiors. I know this might clash with the whole be nice thing as a Christian and if you want depending on how you feel things are going you can add that you wish her no harm and that you’ll pray for her, but that you don’t want there to be any misunderstandings. I can’t guarantee it will fix your problem, but it may help at least get things back on track.”
Gordon let those words swim around in his mind for a while. “What about the gossip? I can’t just go up to the water cooler and tell them to back off. Somehow I don’t think that will do anything more than light a fuse to the powder cage.”
“You’re right there, at least that’s what I would think if someone kept denying it. Kind of like a politician, the more they deny any wrong doing the more you think they’re guilty as sin. If you’ll excuse the phrasing.”
“So what would change your mind if you were one of them?”
Bane wondered “Admitting you’re guilt.”
“What!?” Gordon nearly shot straight up.
“Now here me out. I’m not saying that you say you slept with the woman or anything, just tell them you were wrong.”
“But I wasn’t! My reputation, at least what’s left of it would be ruined completely. How would that affect my job?” He began to pace.
“John, think about it. I’ve been there on the full guilty side of it and I can tell you it’s not going to get any better until you’re completely honest with yourself and man up to it. You may not have been outright coming on to her, but you know your actions when you reflect on it were inappropriate, you pretty much told me that.”
It was kind of rough hearing it, but he knew it was true. He may not have meant any of this, but he had brought it on himself and now it was time to step up and take back his life. “Okay, you’re right. I got myself into this and... well...”
“Look John, I’m not saying that you tell them you were flirting with her or anything, just tell them the truth, what you told me. That in an effort to ease the work tension you did buy her lunch and coffee and such and though it wasn’t your intention your kindness was taken the wrong way and that you see now how your actions caused it. Then ask them to forgive you.”
“Ask them to forgive me? For what they’re the ones jabbering like a bunch of school girls? Shouldn’t they be asking my forgiveness?”
“In a perfect world sure, but you forget your actions brought on their misconceptions. Let me ask you this, what was your reputation with them before all this?”
“Well, they respected me as a family man and a Christian mostly; they kept the language at a minimum and held back on the locker room talk when I was around.”
“And now?”
John didn’t answer.
“Exactly.
You’ve lost that respect. John, if you put on that stone face, that ‘righteous’ face that talk will only get worse. Before I came to Christ, even when I was younger I always had this anger, this thing about those that claimed to be so good and all. I was just waiting to see the tiniest flaw in them so that I could point it out, even to myself, that they were all just a bunch of hypocrites and whenever I found some of those cracks it just pushed me further and further away from God and those claiming to be His servants. Right now those men you work with see you as a hypocrite, at least on some level.”
“Rrr, how’d I get myself into this?” He scrubbed his hand over his face, drawing a deep breath then settled back down on the arm of the chair. “I know you’re right. I’ve felt the same way myself.”
“The world needs to see us as still humans, with problems and when we screw up so that they can see Jesus working through us. If we’re so perfect than what do we need Him for right?”
“So, I sacrifice my dignity on the alter and tell them I screwed up and ask them to forgive me? For what exactly am I asking them to forgive me though? It’s not like I did anything to them.”
“Not directly no, but you could always ask them to forgive you if your actions has led them to lose any respect in you or caused them to question their own faith; or yours.”
“I never thought of it like that.”
“Neither would I and to be honest I’m not sure where that came from.”
“And what about you? Should I be asking for your forgiveness as well?”
“What a sinner like me, no way. You’ve given something that I wasn’t expecting and really needed.”
“Okay, I don’t know what that could be, but I’m glad that my screw up could be helpful to somebody.”
Both chuckled. “So anything else my royal faux pa could help you with Bane?”
He wondered “I was thinking about what you said about your kids.”
“Yeah, what about them?”
“About how you alienated or nearly drove them away from God. How’d you get past that? I mean, how did you deal with them with...”
“That was a learning experience and well, it didn’t happen overnight. In fact it was so gradual a thing I didn’t even notice it until one day it was just different.”
“Mind expanding on that.” Bane crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow.
“I guess the best I can do is give you an example. My daughter was fifteen at the time and I was doing my best, or what I thought was my best to turn her into a lady. Part of that was demanding that she be polite, you know, please and thank you and the whole mess, but I wasn’t helping matters. I would always point out when she was doing it wrong or reminding her that ‘that’s not how a young lady let alone a young lady of God would act’ and it drove a wedge between us. I was only doing it out of love, wanting her to learn to act and think the right way so that she wouldn’t have such a hard time becoming a woman of God, but I was pushing all the wrong buttons. My wife and I both handled her wrong. She was so strong and so much her own person that it came out as straight rebellion, always rolling her eyes and saying thank you riddled with sarcasm. Then one day after God had been working with me I gave up. Well not exactly gave up, changed tactics more like.
My wife and I had discussed it then we went to Kallie and told her that we knew that she was perfectly aware of how to act and that we had faith that she would become that woman, but we weren’t going to force her any longer, just guide her. Then we did something hard, we let go and tried to trust her. We’d tell her please and thank you and show her respect, but we stopped demanding that she reply correctly. Then one day she brought me a book and when I said thank you she turned back and said ‘You’re welcome Daddy.’ All on her own.
The look on my face must have been something because she immediately said ‘What?’. I was so proud of her at that moment and I couldn’t help asking her what, what had changed? That’s when I had my first glimpse of the woman she was growing into. She said she had been thinking about it and realized that if she couldn’t obey or do the right thing in small seemingly insignificant ways then how could she ever expect to have the strength or even the wisdom to do the right thing when it really mattered and she feared that if she continued to let those little things go by that it would be all too easy to make the wrong decision over something important. I was so proud of her I’m not ashamed to admit I cried when I hugged her. It hasn’t all gone that smoothly with her or the rest of the kids and we haven’t been able to treat all of them the same way, but it was a sign that we were on the right track and that gave us hope and the strength to keep going. Sometimes we had to sacrifice our pride and tell them how we were wrong, others we had to back off and lead by example, and we had to take the time with them to really see who they were. That helped us to learn how best to reach them. Also one more tip, take the time to explain why you’re doing something, the ‘because I said so’ only got their backs up.”
“You have a smart girl there.”
“Don’t I know it, but so do you Bane. I can see you’re really trying hard with these kids don’t give up on them or yourself. So is there anything else I can help you with? You’ve definitely given me what I needed.”
“You know, I think you’ve given me as much as I have you if not more.”
“I’m glad. Well, I hate to confess and run, but I’d better be heading back. It’s getting late and I have a lot to discuss with my wife tonight.”
“I’ll walk you out.”
The two continued some light chit chat as Bane walked him to his car saying goodbye and asking one last lingering question. “John, was the gate working when you came in or was it just open?”
“No it worked just fine I buzzed and it opened. See you Sunday Bane.”
Bane waved farewell knowing that wasn’t how the gate was supposed to work. Later that night he walked down the drive and tested it. It was working fine; only their personal code would open it so how’d Gordon get in? Why had the gate simply opened for him?