Conflict: Annie learns she has the rare power to bring immortal beings (Shadows) living in another realm back into the human world. Jon has been searching for someone with Annie’s Mirror power for a century. (Both of these sentences are still setting up the conflict.) He's desperate for her to restart his heart so he can become human again, but his Reflection can't be completed until she balances the magic. (Jon wants to be human, but…) Their problems double when she learns there are evil Shadows who plan to kill her and take control of the realm. (Oh, crap.) One of Jon's old friends is leading the resistance and attempts to recruit him, while Annie discovers one of her friends is really working against her. (What? A friend that's really an enemy? That can't be good…)
I've actually included a sentence for Jon, one for Annie, and one for both of them. Jon's main conflict is that he wants a beating heart, and he can't get it until Annie balances the magic in his realm. Annie's main conflict is that she could die at the hands of any Shadow (including Jon's) at any time—oh, and don't forget about balancing the magic. Their main conflict together is they both have friends who aren't really their friends—and who would do anything to destroy them. No biggie, right? It took me 106 words to explain the conflict. Five sentences (and two of those were still setup).
Think you know what your main conflict is? Can you sum it up in a few sentences? Click here for a group of worksheets you can print and use.
3. Hook: Sixteen-year-old Penelopie Baker has died 67 times, and it’s about to happen again.
Setup: She can feel death approaching like you can feel rain falling on your skin. Penny thinks the 68th death will get her one step closer to being able to reclaim her lost life, but she’s dead (lol) wrong.
Because the death she feels is not her own, but that of a friend.
Conflict: Everyone thinks the drowning was an accident until another classmate croaks under mysterious conditions. (oooh, double murder. Nice—or not.) In order to get her years of service counted for this 68th life, Penelopie, along with her Servant partner, Blake, (this is a little bit of world-building) set out to find the true cause for two suspicious teenage deaths so close to home. (So Servant detectives….)
In this story, the conflict is solving the murders. That’s probably a lot of conflict, but you don’t need to expound on it tons. The novel has more than just a murder mystery—the protag has died 67 times, and she’s “Serving” a sentence so she can hopefully reclaim her own lost life. All of this drives the conflict in 51 words.
4. Hook: When a girl looks into a boy's eyes, she hopes to see his soul, but when sixteen year old Emerson Taylor kisses a boy's lips, she also sees his past.
Setup: Emerson Taylor is sixteen and a kissing virgin, much to her complete and utter horror - until one day when she and some friends play an innocent game of Spin the Bottle. While her first kiss is brief and nothing special, what she discovers shortly afterward is definitely special.
When Emerson kisses a boy, she can see his past. And it doesn't take her long to figure out how to kiss and steal test answers, gossip and secrets... But the kiss that will rock her world is the kiss she carefully plans after her BFF disappears without a trace.
Conflict: For this kiss, she will have to seduce her beffie's creepy boyfriend, (good conflict) make him fall for her (even better) and then make-out with him, (oh gross!) all while evading her own boyfriend (wow, lots and lots of conflict).
--courtesy of Katie Anderson, author of Kiss & Make-Up
There is conflict here—spades of it—all in 28 words. You’ll notice that this example has a much longer setup section than conflict. That’s okay. Every query is different. Remember to be succinct and specific and you’ll be fine.
5. Hook: Kate Lowry didn't think dead best friends could send e-mails.
Setup: Not even on the anniversary of their disappearance. Of course, that was before this message from Grace appeared in her inbox:
Kate,
I'm here…
sort of.
Find Christian.
He knows.
I shouldn't be writing.
Don't tell.
They'll hurt you.
Most girls would ignore the warning and go straight to the police.
But Kate isn’t most girls.
Instead, she decides to channel Nancy Drew, pearls and all. Of course, Kate’s pearls are faux, her skirts are way shorter and she’d take everyone's favorite teen detective in a girl fight, but you get the idea.
Conflict: The e-mails continue and Kate’s quest to solve the mystery takes a dangerous turn when her confrontation with Christian, Grace’s addict brother, almost gets her killed. (a near death = good conflict) Good thing she finds a couple of knights-in-(not so)-shining armor in sexy bad boy, Liam, and her awkward neighbor, Seth. Armed with her newfound sidekicks, the investigation continues, uncovering a secret lurking in the halls of their elite private school that threatens to destroy them all. (oooh, a secret at a private school, a sexy bad boy and a geeky neighbor. All ingredients for a great conflict soup.)
In these 72 words, we get all the makings of a good conflict: A near death experience, secrets, betrayal, and a couple of interesting sidekicks.
Final words on the Conflict:
Find the main conflict and highlight that. Trust me, your query will thank you. Agents will thank you. Readers who read the blurb on the back of your book will thank you.
No novel is complete without conflict. Be sure you identify what the character wants (to find a missing best friend, solve a murder, get a beating heart) and then state what’s keeping them from getting it.
Don’t drag it out. You get one page, and you might have used up half of your space already with the hook and setup. The bulk of your remaining words should be conflict, 50 – 100 words.
The final element you need in your query letter is the consequence. What will happen if the MC doesn't solve the problem? Doesn't get what they want? Will evil forces achieve world domination? Will her brother die? Is it a race against time across Antarctica to find the long lost jewel of the Nile? What's the consequence?
In the queries I've read, this is what's lacking the most. The consequence. You've hooked me, set me up, explained the conflict that's keeping me from getting what I want, but…what will happen if I don't solve the conflict? That's the consequence. If you're having trouble identifying yours, it's time to go back to the revising stage—in the novel.
Let's examine the blurbs in full:
1 . In a world where Thinkers brainwash the population and Rules are not meant to be broken, fifteen-year-old Violet Schoenfeld does a hell of a job shattering them to pieces.
After committing her eighth lame crime (walking in the park after dark with a boy, gasp!), Vi is taken to the Green, a group of Thinkers who control the Goodgrounds. She’s found unrehabilitatable (yeah, she doesn’t think it’s a word either) and exiled to the Badlands. Good thing sexy Bad boy Jag Barque will be going too.
Dodging Greenies and hovercopters, dealing with absent-father issues, and coming to terms with feelings for an ex-boyfriend—and Jag as a possible new one—leave Vi little time for much else. Which is too damn bad, because she’s more important than she realizes. When secrets about her “dead” sister and not-so-missing father hit the fan, Vi must make a choice: control or be controlled.
Oooh, what will it be? You’ll have to read to find out….
This query landed me an agent and a book deal with Simon & Schuster. Those last four words? They became the tagline on the cover of my book. I didn't choose them to be there--my editor did. After my agent used them in her pitch. After I wrote them in my query letter.
2. Sixteen-year-old Annie Jenkins must control the magic to balance the realm—it's too bad her unknown abilities are hidden beneath her inhalant addiction.
Whenever she's high, Annie has vivid visions of a death she can't remember and a boy she's never met. When she meets Jonathan Clarke, the ghostly boy from her hallucinations, she realizes he
r drug use has masked the abilities she's inherited from her magic-keeping mother. Wielding magic isn't everything it's cracked up to be; Annie discovers her newfound powers can't cure her terminally ill mother.
Annie learns she has the rare power to bring immortal beings (Shadows) living in another realm back into the human world. Jon has been searching for someone with Annie’s Mirror power for a century. He's desperate for her to restart his heart so he can become human again, but his Reflection can't be completed until she balances the magic. Their problems double when she learns there are evil Shadows who plan to kill her and take control of the realm. One of Jon's old friends is leading the resistance and attempts to recruit him, while Annie discovers one of her friends is really working against her .
If Jon and Annie can't find a way to achieve balance, Reflections and potions won't do any good. There is no spell to revive the dead.
That last sentence is the consequence. You need one to complete the query letter. It should be just as "hooky" as the hook to leave the reader salivating to request the full or to click buy. Most consequence “hooks” tie back to the beginning hook too, for a satisfying circuit in the letter.
3. Sixteen-year-old Penelopie Baker has died 67 times, and it’s about to happen again. She can feel death approaching like you can feel rain falling on your skin. Penny thinks the 68th death will get her one step closer to being able to reclaim her lost life, but she’s dead (lol) wrong.
Because the death she feels is not her own, but that of a friend. Everyone thinks the drowning was an accident until another classmate croaks under mysterious conditions. In order to get her years of service counted for this 68th life, Penelopie, along with her Servant partner, Blake Zuckermann, set out to find the true cause for two suspicious teenage deaths so close to home.
What they find makes all the bloody deaths they’ve experienced seem like pinpricks.
Well, these people—and I use that term loosely—have died 67 times. Some pretty bloody deaths too, so I can’t wait to find out what they find to make that look like nothing!
4. When a girl looks into a boy's eyes, she hopes to see his soul, but when sixteen year old Emerson Taylor kisses a boy's lips, she also sees his past.
Emerson Taylor is sixteen and a kissing virgin, much to her complete and utter horror - until one day when she and some friends play an innocent game of Spin the Bottle. While her first kiss is brief and nothing special, what she discovers shortly afterward is definitely special.
When Emerson kisses a boy, she can see his past. And it doesn't take her long to figure out how to kiss and steal test answers, gossip and secrets... But the kiss that will rock her world is the kiss she carefully plans after her BFF disappears without a trace.
For this kiss, she will have to seduce her beffie's creepy boyfriend, make him fall for her and then make-out with him, all while evading her own boyfriend – and what she sees in that one kiss will change everything!
--courtesy of Katie Anderson, author of Kiss & Make-Up
The reader will want—no, need—to know what she sees in that one kiss. And that’s the perfect place to leave them in the cover copy—dying to click buy!.
5. Kate Lowry didn't think dead best friends could send e-mails. Not even on the anniversary of their disappearance. Of course, that was before this message from Grace appeared in her inbox:
Kate,
I'm here…
sort of.
Find Christian.
He knows.
I shouldn't be writing.
Don't tell.
They'll hurt you.
Most girls would ignore the warning and go straight to the police.
But Kate isn’t most girls.
Instead, she decides to channel Nancy Drew, pearls and all. Of course, Kate’s pearls are faux, her skirts are way shorter and she’d take everyone's favorite teen detective in a girl fight, but you get the idea.
The e-mails continue and Kate’s quest to solve the mystery takes a dangerous turn when her confrontation with Christian, Grace’s addict brother, almost gets her killed. Good thing she finds a couple of knights-in-(not so)-shining armor in sexy bad boy, Liam, and her awkward neighbor, Seth. Armed with her newfound sidekicks, the investigation continues, uncovering a secret lurking in the halls of their elite private school that threatens to destroy them all.
Kate knew finding Grace wasn’t going to be easy, but figuring out who to trust is more difficult than she ever could have imagined.
After all, everyone’s a suspect.
--courtesy of Lisa and Laura Roecker, author of Liar Society
With everyone a suspect, you’d definitely have to BUY and read the book to find out what’s going to happen.
Your job: Separate your consequence from the rest of your query letter. Is it concise? Do you even have one? If not, this is a novel problem, not a query letter problem. Is it a cliffhanger? Enough to entice the reader to want to read the entire book? If not, make it so—both in the novel and in the query.
Test Yourself:
Take the first sentence of your query blurb and copy it into a new document. Now copy and paste your last sentence (your consequence sentence) right behind it. Is that your book? It should be—in a nutshell.
Here’s mine, for Possession:
In a world where Thinkers brainwash the population and Rules are not meant to be broken, fifteen-year-old Violet Schoenfeld does a hell of a job shattering them to pieces. When secrets about her “dead” sister and not-so-missing father hit the fan, Vi must make a choice: control or be controlled.
I had three full requests with just those two sentences. It really does sum up my entire book, all in 2 sentences, 51 words. Try it!
Final Words on the consequence:
Leave the reader on a “cliffhanger”—needing to read more to find out what happens next
Avoid using a question as the consequence
Bring the query full-circle, tying your beginning hook to your cliffhanger consequence
The hook, the setup, the conflict, and the consequence are the four parts of the query letter. I believe you can write a killer query using those elements.
I studied my query and decided it could be better. Since the query letter is the gateway to getting your manuscript read, I wanted to have the shiniest gate I could.
This didn't just happen. I worked—hard. I broke my query letter down into the four parts and worked on them individually. Then I studied the query letters of others. I printed out the query letters of authors who had landed agents. I emailed friends who I knew had received significant requests and begged them to let me see their queries. Then I sat down at the kitchen counter and spread the queries out on the counter. I started at the top, took notes, and wrote my query by hand. This didn't just "happen." I made it happen. You can too.
Besides the query blurb, you’ve got the outlying paragraphs: Bio, introduction, conclusion, and publishing credentials.
Introduction. Some agents say to dive right into the book. Some want the genre and word count up front. Do your research and switch the parts around according to the agent's tastes. But generally, I like to start my query with the title (in all caps) and word count with a lead into my hook.
I am pleased to submit for your consideration my young adult urban fantasy, THE MIRROR. In this 95,000-word tale of magic, mystery and romance, sixteen-year-old Annie Jenkins must control the magic to balance the realm. It's too bad her unknown abilities are hidden beneath her inhalant addiction.
Or if I’ve been able to find an interview and the agent has said something that matches my novel, I start like this:
I recently read an interview (given to Joanne on the Whole Latte Life blog) where you said you were looking for young adult novels with a great voice. Because of this, I believe you would be interested in my YA dystopian novel, CONTROL ISSUES.
This tells the agent: 1. I know what you want because I've done my research, and 2. I have what you want.
If you don’t l
ike either one of those, simply start with the hook:
In a world where Thinkers brainwash the population and Rules are not meant to be broken, fifteen-year-old Violet Schoenfeld does a hell of a job shattering them to pieces.
Marketing. I noticed that almost all of the query letters had some sort of paragraph after the blurb that told a little more about their book. Marketing, a twist on something, a comparison to published books. Something. So I crafted one of those for my novel.
Not just another ghost story, the Shadows in THE MIRROR bring a magical twist to life beyond death. THE MIRROR will appeal to readers who enjoy the paranormality of A GREAT AND TERRIBLE BEAUTY, and also to those who fell in love with the romance of TWILIGHT.
Tip: When using another title, make it all caps, but a smaller font—usually two points smaller, so size 10 instead of 12.