The mix of emotions that washed over Va'del was too intense and varied to be fully described. Unable to speak, he sat in the darkness next to Jain and tried to gain control of himself. As the strength of the emotions started to fade slightly he realized that foremost among them was something he hadn't felt since I'rone and his wives died. Hope.
Chapter 14
Mar'li leaned back from the tiny ruby she'd been working on for most of the day. With her sister-wife and husband largely confined to the Capital as Council members, and her shyness precluding her from teaching, she had unfortunate amounts of free time.
She helped Pati or one of the other healers fairly often, but the majority of her magical energy was spent creating a heat sphere that could be used by patrolling Guadel when in way caves, or even more importantly, when they were forced to spend the night in one of the light tents they used when caught in a snow storm or otherwise unable to make it to a cave.
Mar'li's gift was much weaker than those of most of the female Guadel, but she still made fairly respectable progress. The fact that she didn't have to worry about being awoken in the middle of the night to augment Javin, so he could fight off bag'ligs or some such threat, helped. Even so, changing the nature of the gemstone so that it could draw power and order it to a specific purpose was a task measured in years at the very least.
Which is more than a little depressing. Then again, it's slightly warm to the touch now when I activate it, so I should just be satisfied with my rate of progress. Bay'del will be jealous anyway. She's lucky if she gets to work on hers a few times a year. I guess that's the price of being married to a young husband who wants to be out and about on patrols.
Her insides were starting to feel raw from all the magic she'd done so far today, but she wasn't to the point of feeling serious pain. She'd leaned back down to do just a little more work when she heard footsteps out in the corridor.
Too light to be Javin, too early to be On'li back for lunch. Oh well, I'll put some water on to heat anyway. It won't hurt anything if it turns out not to be her. She's under so much stress right now that the least I can do is have a cup of tea in the works when she comes in.
It was indeed On'li that came around the privacy bend, but her face was such a mask of pain and hurt that for a moment Mar'li had a hard time believing it was her sister-wife she was looking at.
"What's wrong?"
On'li looked like she wanted to collapse into a chair. Instead she wrapped her arms around Mar'li as if to shelter her from the coming news.
"It's Piter and Bay'del. One of the villages sent a messenger. They're both dead."
Mar'li felt her world tremble and fade out of focus. Bay'del had been her best friend all through training, the one who convinced her she'd be happier as a Guadel than as a healer somewhere trying to offset some fool Headman's influence and power.
"How did it happen?"
On'li hugged her sister-wife tighter. "It's hard to tell since there weren't any survivors this time, but it looked like the same kind of ambush that took down I'rone and his wives."
Mar'li wanted to turn and run away, but she knew doing so would hurt On'li's feelings, so she collapsed into the older woman and let her sobs run their course.
"I'm so sorry, my heart. I know how close the two of you were."
Mar'li's tears hadn't stopped, and she could still feel the pain eating away at her insides, but she knew from past experience that the quickest way to heal involved looking outside herself for others.
"What about Va'del? What will happen to him now?"
On'li looked at her sister-wife with amazement and pride before shrugging painfully. "I don't honestly know. The Stephens bloodline is nearly gone. There are just the three of us, Ba'loc, and Pavir left."
Mar'li felt a new twinge of pain as she realized that On'li was right. The Guadel as a whole had diminished in numbers over the last few hundred years, but Stephens' line had borne a greater share of the loss than most. "It's like we're being punished, like our men being driven to make a difference is an affront to the Goddess. It's like she disapproves of their efforts at ensuring others aren't suffering the injustices that made them into what they are."
On'li shook her head. "It's not our place to question Her actions. Not every trial comes because of an affront to her eyes, sometimes they come about for unrelated reasons."
"Ba'loc and Pavir can't take Va'del; they're already sponsoring Mi'lo."
On'li's sigh sounded as though she'd aged decades in the last few cycles. "And we can't take him because traditionally the duties of sitting on the Council preclude the kind of time and energy required to sponsor someone." As she finished, a sliver of anger edged into the loss that still was dominating her expression.
Mar'li let go of her sister-wife and stepped back a little so that she could look her in the eye. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. Under normal circumstances, we might be able to convince the Council that we have to sponsor to ensure our bloodline doesn't die out. Right now however, Ja'dir is dead set on blocking just about anything Javin and I put forward. The fact that we're losing so many Guadel in general may work in our favor, but that also reminds everyone that Va'del was there when I'rone and his wives were killed."
The mention of their husband made Mar'li start guiltily. She hadn't yet thought about how Piter's death would affect Javin. "Oh, Powers. How is Javin taking it?"
"Badly. About as badly as you could fear. We both feel so old, we've seen so many of our friends, both the children we sponsored, and others die. Javin feels like he should be out there hunting those animals down. It's bad enough when it's bag'ligs or when he knows that the ones responsible are already dead like with what happened to I'rone. This is far worse—he's barely functioning. He's stronger than anyone else I know but this is attacking the weakest part of his will, cutting at the scar tissue formed over the wounds he took as a child."
Mar'li looked at her sister-wife and sighed. "We'll just have to do what we can to shore Javin up, but you have to promise me you'll do something about Va'del. Whether you decide to try and get him approved as a candidate or not, you need to talk to him. I understand that you didn't want to do anything to spark a fight in the Council before you had to, but if you aren't going to sponsor him, it won't matter if you or Javin spend some time explaining things to him. If you do push for him to be accepted as a candidate, then your talking to him doesn't matter because you've already provoked as much fight as you're going to see regardless of what else you may do."
##
Va'del wrapped his blanket more tightly around himself to ward off the ever-present chill. He sighed as he leaned back into the thick brown padding of his low, metal chair. It was all he could do not to yawn as he turned the next page in the law book Jain had found for him. Goodness, this is dry stuff. I wonder how Jain is making out with it.
It was relatively rare that Va'del preferred his work at the stables to studying or working on one of the other skills that a candidate needed, but today looked like an exception. He had a feeling he wouldn't have any regrets when the time came to put the book away and go feed the gurra their second meal of the day.
After wading through the legal guidance on who was to administer the deceased's belongings depending on which family members were still living, Va'del was just about to start the next section when a quiet clap alerted him to the fact that someone was waiting outside his room.
Va'del asked whoever it was to come in as he shed the blanket and rose to his feet, only to find in surprise that it was On'li who'd come to visit him. She hadn't visited since taking him to start weapons training. Seeing her now, with her eyes bloodshot and her hands shaking, was an incredible surprise.
After looking around the sparsely-furnished room as if to verify that they were indeed its only occupants, or possibly as a way to buy time, On'li turned back to Va'del and took a deep breath.
"Va'del, I'm sorry I haven't taken the time to sit down with you and explain
everything that's going on. I appreciate you being patient and not causing any problems over the last month or two. I know that probably hasn't been easy, especially in light of how the candidates and apprentices as a whole treat you."
The hope sparked by Jain telling him there were plans to try and get him sponsored, battled with the fact that On'li didn't look like someone about to deliver good news.
"You probably don't know very much about the sponsoring process. We try to keep the candidates fairly ignorant about certain things, though a fair amount leaks out from well-meaning instructors at some point or another."
She took another deep breath, as if she was having a hard time controlling her emotions. "The fact of the matter is that traditionally nobody has the right to dispute a sponsoring decision. The Council can refuse to let a candidate take his final vows and marry, but nobody can stop a sponsoring family from putting him through the training if that's what they want to do. I shouldn't say this, but that's largely the reason Be'ter is still here, despite the fact that most of his instructors are confident he isn't suitable and is actually ruining some of the other candidates."
The things that On'li was telling him for the most part meshed with what Jain had told him, but Va'del's mind was still reeling from the fact that someone who actually knew what was going on was trying to explain it all to him.
"Javin and I had counted on that tradition to get you sponsored by Guadel Piter and Guadel Bay'del. Obviously it would have been their decision, but I was confident that after Bay'del saw your potential she'd agree to do so."
There was a catch in On'li's voice now. "Unfortunately that isn't an option any longer. They were both killed in an ambush similar to the one that killed I'rone and his wives."
Va'del felt his world start to crumble, but he forced himself to listen to On'li, if only to try and keep from thinking about the fact he was never going to become a Guadel.
"Javin and I are going to do everything we can to still somehow see that you are sponsored, but the chances are honestly not very good. If it were to happen, it would be the first time something like that had ever been done. Even people who otherwise might not be against your being sponsored are going to be very much against the precedent it would set."
Va'del nodded numbly. It seemed On'li could tell it didn't matter much what she was saying, but it apparently wasn't enough to stop her. "Va'del, I really do think you have the potential to make a very good Guadel. If you need to talk about anything I would be more than happy to spend whatever time is necessary to answer any questions you might have."
The teenager shook his head. "No, that isn't really necessary. I'm sure you're both very busy, and you've already told me everything I need to know."
On'li reached out and placed a hand on Va'del's arm. "Still, the offer is open. Would you be willing to come have dinner with our family next week on first day?"
Va'del would have agreed to anything at that point if he thought it would end the conversation sooner so he could run away somewhere to be alone. The teenager nodded as he fingered the tiny knife hidden in his pocket.
On'li smiled. "Very good. I'll send Javin by for you that afternoon."
As soon as she'd been gone long enough to be out of sight, Va'del left his room and ran in the direction of his pool.
Just a little longer and then I can escape for good.
##
The day was looking as though it would be longer than Jain had expected. Even law from Guadel Ah'bi was dragging by slower than usual, and it had become her favorite subject. Who would have thought that would ever happen? Definitely not Ah'bi after that first class. At least it's nearly lunchtime.
Ah'bi was in the middle of describing some very subtle points of inheritance law when her husband, Fi'lin, stepped into the classroom and caught her eye.
"You girls finish reading through the section and don't talk to each other. I'll be back in a moment or two."
Jain hardly had a chance to begin reading before Ah'bi was back in the classroom obviously struggling to maintain her composure. "Girls, I have some terrible news. Guadel Piter and Guadel Bay'del have both been killed in an ambush similar to the one that claimed I'rone and his wives two months ago."
Gasps came from around the room as the girls tried to process the idea that yet another Guadel family had been cut down. Years, or even decades, were known to go by without any of the Guadel dying from anything other than old age. Five dying by violence in just a few months was unheard of.
Ah'bi wiped away the tears that had started trickling down her face despite her near-legendary self-control. "Please be considerate of the Guadel in this trying time, as well of any of your peers that might have known the fallen. There are many who will be greatly affected by the loss of two with such potential. You're free to go to lunch now."
It could have been Jain's imagination, but it seemed almost as though Ah'bi's gaze rested on her for a split second longer than it had the others.
Who do I know that this would affect? Oh no! Va'del. They were to sponsor him.
Jain pushed her way past the other girls, most of whom were leaving the room at a more sedate, sorrowful pace. A couple of them shot her nasty looks, but with any luck most of them would just assume she was overcome by distress and seeking a place of solitude.
The teenager ran down the hall towards the stables, frantic with worry that she might not get to Va'del before someone else told him the two Guadel were dead.
Jain came around the last corner and all but ran into a surly-looking man who was nearly as wide as some of the guards.
"What are you doing here, missy? I can't imagine that your instructors granted you permission to be running around without supervision."
For a second she was breathing too hard to answer, but she finally managed to get words past her gasps. "I'm sorry, sir. I wouldn't have come here but I need to talk to Va'del. Where is he?"
The stable master shook his head. "You didn't answer my question, but I don't suppose as it matters because Va'del isn't here. He's long overdue to be watering the beasts. If you see him, tell him he'd better get here soon or I'll be for whipping him in front of the other apprentices."
Jain had turned and started off at a run again before the words had even died on the air. His rooms? I don't even know for sure where they are. The pool, he has to be at the pool.
It took only another minute or so for Jain to reach the section of corridors that led to the hot spring where she met Va'del whenever she could sneak away from the dormitories. The glow spheres were only placed in the corridors that were regularly traveled, so she was forced to slow to a walk once out of sight of their soft light or risk colliding with a wall in the darkness.
Panting as she was, Jain half expected Va'del to challenge her before she even made it all the way to the cavern, but only silence greeted her as she rounded the last corner.
"Va'del, it's me, Jain. Are you here?"
There was no reason to think there was anyone else in the cavern, certainly no breathing other than hers stirred the warm air, but Jain had to be sure so she reached out to the energy she was still learning to manipulate, and shaped it into a tiny ball of light.
The scene that confronted Jain was enough to bring tears to her eyes. Va'del sat on the edge of the pool, with a tiny knife in his right hand and tears staining his face.
"Don't try to stop me, Jain. There isn't anything left for me. I can't become a candidate and everyone hates me here, just like they hated me back home. Everyone who's ever really loved me is dead. My parents, I'rone, Betreec and Jasmin. Everyone."
Jain wanted to break into sobs, but she controlled herself despite the tears slowly escaping her eyes. "I'm so sorry, I came looking for you as soon as I heard."
Va'del shook his head, dully, almost as if he didn't hear her. "It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore."
Jain carefully sat down. "I can't stop you physically, or even using magic for that matter. I'm the weakest of all the girls in my
year. Before you do it, will you at least tell me what happened? All of it. If I'm going to watch you kill yourself I at least want to know the truth about what brought you to this point instead of a bunch of silly rumors."
Jain felt her heart break as Va'del looked at her with the eyes of a wounded animal, and she momentarily wondered if he was too far gone to even understand her. After a few heartbeats Va'del opened his mouth and told her about his childhood, about the ephemeral, barely-remembered parents that he thought must have loved him, and about cruelty that equaled or surpassed anything that had been done to him at the Capital.
Jain crept over and wrapped her arms around Va'del as he started talking about the trio who had sponsored him, the first adults to treat him like a real person, the first ones to answer his questions since his parents had died.
As he described their deaths, Jain felt tears of sympathy course down her face at how badly he hurt, both now and then.
The end of the tale recounted the cruelty of nearly everyone he met at the Capital, as well as the seeming indifference of the two people who had the power to punish him or grant his fondest dreams.
As Va'del finished, they both found that they'd cried themselves out. Jain pulled back to wipe the tears from her face and had a sudden realization. "That's the other reason you want to go on and become a Guadel. Because of them. To honor their memory."
There wasn't any need to ask who she was talking about and she wasn't surprised when Va'del nodded. What did surprise Jain was the way that he pulled away from her after he finished talking.
"What's the matter?" The words sounded stupid considering what he'd just finished telling her, but somehow he knew what she meant.
"You're not going to want to hang out with me now. Not after you know what I'm really like. That there isn't anything good about me."
Jain felt another surge of emotion that had nothing to do with the fact that Va'del was fingering the knife again.
"That isn't true. There are so many good things about you, not the least of which is that you care for people. You are so careful with their feelings it hurts me to think how careless they are with yours."
Jain slowly wrapped her arms back around Va'del. "I don't care what you think. I like you. Maybe more than like. I want to be with you."