“Bad enough that you’re going to have to hold it together for a little while after I shift so it can mend straight.”
One of the perks of being able to shift was rapid cell rejuvenation. Unless we received a fatal head or heart wound or the weapon that struck us was silver, we had the ability to heal quickly.
“We should take care of it before we try to scale back up to the top,” I told him.
“You’re not going to be able to see.”
Probably a good thing since he’d have to remove his clothes to shift.
“I’ve got touch. Which arm?”
“Left.”
Great. I knew he was left-handed. So he was going to try to get us back to the top with one good arm, and it wasn’t his strongest. Because he’d already moved my hand to his belt, I was at a good starting point. I tugged his T-shirt out of his jeans, then very carefully skimmed my hands across his back, over his shoulder, down his arm—
“Oh my God, Rafe!” I cried when my hand encountered a hard edge that had to be bone. He inhaled a sharp breath. I could smell the metallic scent of blood now and felt the warmth of it coating my fingers. His bone had lacerated the skin. “You think it might be broken?”
“I didn’t want to worry you,” he repeated.
Tears stung my eyes. He had to be hurting. As gently as I could, I maneuvered his T-shirt over his head while he bit back a groan. For the first time in several weeks, I found myself wishing for a full moon so I could see more clearly. The sliver of moon and a few stars scattered across the night sky were pretty useless. And it didn’t help that we were at the base of the cliff, with brush and trees all around us.
Once the T-shirt was free, he said, “I can take care of the rest. Just sit there and when I come over, you’ll have to search for the break and push the two pieces of bone back together.”
“Okay.” Still clutching his T-shirt, I dropped down to the ground and tucked my legs beneath me. So much for our plan to sneak away for just a little while. We’d probably already be heading back if I’d just let him kiss me.
I heard the brush rustle as Rafe shucked off his boots and jeans. I refused to envision him naked and shifting into wolf form. The shift would happen in the blink of an eye, faster than I could imagine it.
I barely made out his silhouette as he limped toward me, in wolf form now. I was glad there wasn’t enough moonlight to allow me to see the pain in his eyes. He rested his head in my lap. Very gently, I buried my fingers in his fur and followed the line of his shoulder until I reached his left foreleg.
“I know this is going to hurt, and I’m so sorry,” I said as I struggled and snapped the broken bone back into place. He stiffened, but made no sound. Even in wolf form, he had to be macho. “It’ll be okay now.” I released a self-conscious laugh. “I don’t know why I’m talking to you. You can read my mind, right? I wish I could read yours. Or maybe not. Yours is probably filled with pain right now.”
When we shift, we become telepathic. It’s how we communicate with others while in wolf form. As a bonus, we can also read the minds of those who aren’t in wolf form.
Rafe licked my forearm, maybe to stop my babbling or just to let me know that he was okay. I wanted to bury my face in his fur and weep. I hated that he was going through this. I felt helpless. There was little I could do. He licked me again.
“Not fair,” I said. “Don’t think I don’t know that’s a wolf’s version of a kiss.” I tried to blank my mind so he wouldn’t know how much I enjoyed having him this close to me, even if it was in animal form. I became aware that there was no more flowing blood. I dared to skim my thumb over what had been torn flesh. It was smooth now, healed. The muscle and bone would probably take longer.
Our healing abilities were one of the reasons that Bio-Chrome was interested in us. But I didn’t want to think about that. Even as I tried to empty all my thoughts, I couldn’t help but think about how beautiful Rafe was as a wolf. I’d seen him in wolf form before, so even with the low moonlight, I knew what he looked like. His fur was as black as his hair, so black that at certain angles it appeared a deep blue. It was gorgeous, the most gorgeous fur I’d ever seen.
Lucas’s coat was a combination of black, white, silver, and brown. Connor, with his sandy-blond hair, was more of a golden color. My hair was a pale blond that was almost white. I wondered how I’d look as a wolf. Would I resemble the white Arctic wolf? Would I be pretty? Or would there be nothing special about me?
It was bad enough to worry about my hair, makeup, and clothes, to always want to look attractive, but now to start worrying about my appearance as a wolf….
Rafe nuzzled my arm, and I realized that he was letting me know that I didn’t have to hold onto his front leg any longer. I stroked his neck and shoulder, relishing the sensation of his fur touching my fingers. “I know healing, not to mention shifting, can be tiring. Just rest for a bit.”
I guessed I was talking aloud out of habit.
You’re beautiful, I thought. It was something I’d never say out loud. Just like I’d never tell him that I thought he was good looking—sexy, to be precise—in human form.
My thoughts were traveling where they shouldn’t. I started silently humming a Nine Inch Nails song, trying to fill my mind with a chaotic beat that drowned out anything else.
Rafe moved away from me. I immediately missed his warmth and the feel of my fingers brushing over his fur. I wanted to call him back. Instead, I started humming aloud.
Something landed in my lap.
“My clothes. Bundle them up.” He’d shifted back to human form to speak to me, to let me know that his arm had healed. “Then grab onto my fur. I’m stronger, more surefooted as a wolf.”
By the time I’d finished bundling up his clothes and tucking them beneath one arm, he’d shifted again and was nuzzling my leg. I grabbed a mass of his fur and let him lead me. It was slow going as he searched for outcroppings that I could use as steps. I lost my footing once or twice and slipped back a little, but he was always there, nudging me with his snout, insisting wordlessly that I try again.
Eventually we made it back up to the cliff. I dropped his clothes as soon as I was over the edge of the cliff. I wandered over to the motorbike; I knew he was shifting and getting dressed behind me. I tried not to think about what he looked like with his clothes off.
“So, hey, thanks for your help with the broken bone.”
I startled, laughed, and turned around. “I’m always surprised by how quiet you can be.”
“It’s our nature to be stealthy. Never sure where a predator might strike.” I could feel his gaze on me. “I guess you don’t want to put my kiss theory to the test before we head back.”
More than I dared to admit. “No. It’s a really bad idea.”
“Depends on your point of view, I guess.” Moving past me, he straddled the bike and turned on the motor. He also flicked on the lights this time. “Climb on. We’d better get back before we’re missed.”
I was afraid it might be a little late for that. I scrambled onto the bike, pressed up against him, and wrapped my arms securely around his waist.
He turned his head to the side. “Lindsey?”
“Yeah?”
“I think you’re beautiful, too.”
He kicked the side stand, revved the engine, and took off before I could respond. It was a good thing, because I had no idea what to say. But all the way back to the home of our elders, I hummed a happy tune in my head.
FIVE
When we got back to Wolford, Rafe swiped an electronic keycard at the gate to open it. It was a recent addition to our defenses, evidence of our strange place in the world, between the archaic and the modern.
He puttered over to an area where a few jeeps and all-terrain vehicles were parked. It was late. The festivities had ended. Everything was quiet as we walked toward the large mansion.
“You go on in,” Rafe said, coming to a stop. “We don’t want to be seen together.”
&n
bsp; “Right.” It would be a disaster to run into Connor now. How could I even begin to explain? I couldn’t. “Uh, listen, thanks for getting me away from all the doom and gloom for awhile.”
“Almost getting you killed was a great substitute.”
I smiled. “That was my fault, totally. I’ve hiked in these woods often enough to know that I shouldn’t stand at the very edge of a cliff,” I said, although I still felt as though I were standing at the edge of one. Metaphorically, anyway. “Have you ever considered Brittany? You know, for a mate? She’s available.”
He released a harsh laugh. “What are you doing?”
“Trying to offer alternatives,” I said sincerely.
“I don’t want alternatives. I don’t feel the same hunger around Brittany. I don’t feel anything for her other than mild curiosity and light-hearted friendship. I don’t wonder what it would be like to kiss her. I don’t feel a need to lay with my body curled around hers. I don’t”—he leaned in and skimmed his lips along the side of my face, inhaling as he went, causing heat to swirl through me—“I don’t relish her scent. I don’t dream about her. I want you.”
Before I could respond, he’d turned on his heel and started walking away. My heart was beating erratically and my mouth had gone dry. He’d said it as though he wasn’t giving up. I didn’t know whether to feel flattered or worried.
I almost chased after him. I had to try to talk some sense into him. Instead I let him go, refusing to acknowledge that a small part of me was glad he’d rejected the notion of being with Brittany. Was I a total mess or what?
Inside the residence, a few lights were on low, but it was still amazingly quiet. I assumed everyone was in bed. I headed for the stairs.
“Lindsey?”
My heart almost stopped at the sound of Connor’s voice. I turned slowly to see him standing in the doorway of the parlor. I swallowed hard before saying, “Hey.”
He walked toward me. “Where’d you disappear to? I couldn’t find you.”
I shrugged. “I just…everyone was so melancholy and worried that I just wanted to be by myself for awhile.”
He studied me with his deep-blue eyes, and for a moment he looked sad. My heart nearly stammered to a stop. I wanted to apologize for going off with Rafe, but I was afraid it would only worsen things. I truly didn’t want to hurt Connor. And the truth absolutely would hurt him. Finally he nodded. “So, listen, the sherpas are going to head back to the park entrance in the morning so we can be back in time to guide that scout troop that’s hired us. Thought we’d catch a ride with Lucas. He came in his jeep.”
“I’ll be ready.”
“Okay. See you then.”
I knew I should say something more, but guilt was gnawing at me. I hurried up the stairs and down the long hallway, passing various closed doors. Turning a corner, I came up short at the sight of Kayla and Lucas intertwined like a pretzel, kissing in front of the window, limned by the faint moonlight. Judging by the heat they were generating, I was surprised the window hadn’t fogged up. They were so lost in each other that they hadn’t heard me.
As quietly as possible I slipped back around the corner, dropped into a crouch, and pressed my back up against the wall. I had an insane urge to weep. I hardly ever cried, but suddenly I felt lost and so incredibly lonely.
Why hadn’t Connor and I sneaked away to a corner for a quick lip-lock? Or a long one, for that matter? Where was our passion? Would it come after my transformation? Would we be unable to keep our hands off each other then?
I thought about Rafe and how I’d wanted him to hold me, to touch me, to kiss me and how hard it had been to step away from him when I’d wanted to rush toward him. But that was just lust, right? Merely a physical reaction. Love was more than that. Love was internal. Love was your heart and your soul. It was everything that was important. It was—
My thoughts came to a screeching halt as Lucas came around the corner and nearly tripped over me. “Whoa! Lindsey, sorry!”
“Get a room next time, why don’t you?” I teased as I shot to my feet.
He released a little groan of embarrassment for getting caught in a passionate embrace. If not for the shadows in the hallway, I might even have seen him blushing. He’d always been the most private guy I’d known. I’d had no idea that he was interested in Kayla until they were a bonded couple.
I was acutely aware of him studying me intently. He could perform a third-degree interrogation without words. I wasn’t in the mood for it. “Good night,” I said.
Before I’d taken my first step, though, he grabbed my arm. “Are you okay? You seem…distracted.”
How would he react if I confessed that I doubted my feelings for Connor? Since he was friends with both Rafe and Connor, would it put him in an awkward position? I figured the fewer people who knew, the better.
“I just stumbled across an R-rated encounter. I was trying not to visualize it. And now I’m going to bed.”
To my immense relief, he let me go. As our pack leader, he felt like he had to watch out for all of us, but I didn’t think he could help me with my problem.
I went into the room I shared with Kayla and Brittany. Kayla was sitting on her bed. Stretched out on a mat, Brittany was doing sit-ups. Judging by the sweat on her brow, I figured she was nearing her nightly one hundred. Me? I preferred to curl up with a good book.
“Where have you been?” Brittany asked, her breaths coming in short little puffs as she kept up her tempo.
“Where do you think? With Connor.”
“So what were you, the invisible sherpa? Because he was looking for you.”
I dropped down onto my bed and toed off my sneakers. “I just wanted to be alone.”
She stopped exercising and began stretching. “So why not just say that?”
Guilt. “Maybe I don’t like getting the third degree.”
“It was only one question.”
Trying to work out the tension, I rolled my shoulders. “Sorry. This Bio-Chrome mess just has me on edge.” I glanced over at Kayla, who was now dragging her brush through her long, red hair. “Usually the summer solstice celebration is a little more festive.”
“I actually had a great time,” she said brightly. “I got to talk to all these people who knew my parents. My adoptive parents are awesome and all, but before this summer, I never felt as though I truly belonged anywhere, you know? But here, I just feel like I’ve come home.”
Kayla’s parents had been killed when she was younger, and she’d been adopted by a non-Shifter family. Until this summer, she hadn’t even realized that our kind existed. Talk about blowing apart your concept of reality. I couldn’t even imagine the shock of it.
Grabbing my backpack from the foot of the bed, I scrounged around until I found cotton shorts and a tank top to sleep in. Once I’d changed clothes, I sat cross-legged on my bed. Brittany had finished her exercises and was getting ready for bed. I figured it was time for a little intimate girl talk. “Listen, Kayla…the guys will never talk about what it’s like when they shift. They’re all secretive about it. What was it really like? The first time?”
“Oh, gosh, it’s hard to explain.” With her back pressed against the headboard, she closed her eyes and intertwined her fingers together. “It’s so intense. It’s as if pleasure and pain are all mixed up, and you don’t know what you should really be feeling, and then all of a sudden—bam! It’s maximum overload and suddenly you’re body is shaped differently and your mind is more…aware.” Smiling softly, she opened her eyes. “It’s awesome.”
“I’ve heard it’s excruciatingly painful,” Brittany said.
Kayla nodded. “It is—if you go through it alone. Like the guys have to, but when Lucas was with me, he kept me distracted, so the pain was just an irritant.”
“Do you think it would have been more painful if you didn’t love him?” I asked.
“I wouldn’t want to go through it with someone I didn’t love. It’s really kinda personal and private.”
/>
Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I did love Connor, but was it enough? I mean desperately, my-life-would-be-over-if-he-didn’t-love-me-back love him?
“Sounds like I’m screwed,” Brittany said. “I either go through it alone—and maybe die in the process—or I go through something intimate with someone I don’t love, which sounds icky and worse than going through it alone.”
“Someone will claim you, Brittany,” I insisted.
“I only have two weeks! My time is running out. Besides, I don’t want just anyone. I want someone who looks at me the way Lucas looks at Kayla, like she’s the moon and the stars.”
Kayla laughed lightly. “Does Lucas really look at me like that?”
“Oh, God, does he ever,” I said. It had been strange to see strong, silent Lucas fall so hard. But like all girls, I craved a guy who thought I was his destiny. It was both terrifying and romantic. In most societies, girls our age aren’t supposed to fall in love so young, but we aren’t most societies. Ours is ruled by destiny.
“Of course, you look at him the same way,” I told her.
She grinned brightly. “I probably do. I’m so nuts about him.”
“So maybe your true mate just hasn’t noticed you yet, Brittany,” I said, trying to be positive. In truth, it was really rare for a girl to be approaching her time for change without a guy speaking up for her.
“Yeah, right. And he’s just going to stumble into me sometime during the next two weeks? Get real. I’m going to sleep,” Brittany said, just before she reached out and turned off the lamp by her bed, immersing us in the darkness.
I felt so bad for her, but I also realized that she didn’t want my pity. She was always trying to prove how strong she was.
I was too restless to slip beneath the covers and try to go to sleep. I was afraid that another dream like the one I’d had the night before was waiting for me. I walked over to the window and peered between the curtains. For some reason, all that talk about finding one’s true mate, about going through the first transformation with someone you truly loved…it had left me feeling hollow and confused. I would go through it with Connor. Why wasn’t I comforted by that realization?