What Did Jesus Do?:
Hangin' with Scum
Ron Fast
[email protected] Copyright 2007 by Ron Fast
Intro
Imagine that you were in bed ready to go to sleep. You had just been through a very difficult day at school and you just wanted to get some shut-eye. You were exhausted.
As you fell asleep, you were suddenly awakened by a really, really, really bright light that was pointed right into your eyes. You thought to yourself, “It’s my little bro shining his 100 Megasomething flashlight. He has a flashlight that should be used in a light house, not in the hands of a short madman like my bro. I’m going to kill that little scumbag and then I’m going to torture him by dumping ice water all over him when he is trying to sleep.”
Thinking that it was your little scumbag. . . Er . . . I mean . . . bro, you start beating the air with your fists hoping to land one on him, but there was nothing there. Yet the bright light was still on and blinding you.
You sit up in bed to see if you can see what’s going on. Suddenly, you hear this voice, “We are from the planet S.C.U.M which stands for Small Cool Uranus Men. We have come to take you back to our planet.”
Obviously, you are stunned by this voice, so you reply, “Say what? Why do you want me?”
Head Alien Dude: “My name is ‘HeadScum’ Bucket of the planet S.C.U.M. We have been observing you and discovered that you have something we need.”
You: “What do I have that you could possibly want?”
Head Alien Dude: “You have this fluid in your head that will help us cure a problem that our people have?”
You: “No way!! You aren’t going suck my brain out and use it. I need it. Besides I only have two brain cells left and one of them is on vacation. Even when they are both working, they have a hard time finding each other and working together.”
Head Alien Dude: “Don’t worry. We don’t want your brain. It’s too primitive for us to be able to use it for anything. We are far more advanced than your race. We are so advanced that we thought of calling our planet “Brains ’R Us” but we have a chain of stores on our planet that have the same name.”
You: “So, if you don't need my brain, what exactly do you need?”
Head Alien Dude: “Boy you are slow, aren't’ ya. We just need to use some of your brain juices. You know, the liquid that surrounds your brain.”
You: “Oh!! Will it hurt?”
Head Alien Dude: “No, you won’t feel a thing. Heh, Heh, Heh!! But there is one catch.”
You: “What’s that??”
Head Alien Dude: “We can’t force you to do this thing. The brain juice antidote will only work if you choose to help us with our problem.”
You: “Oh!! You mean you won’t abduct me and force me to do this thing?”
Head Alien Dude: “That’s right.”
You: “Cool!!”
Head Alien Dude: “There’s one more thing. In order to get the antidote to the sick, you must be willing to actually walk through the sick aliens and get to know them better. You see, part of the antidote is that the sick aliens need to know that there actually is an antidote and it works. We’ve sort of told them before that we had an antidote when we actually didn’t, so they don’t believe us anymore. But if you were to tell them that the antidote is in your head and show them that you are healthy, they will believe you.”
You: “So why can’t you just take my brain juice, make the antidote and then go to where your fellow aliens are and show them the antidote?”
Head Alien Dude: “OH NO!!! We couldn’t do that. We are all healthy and don’t want to catch their disease. Besides how would it look if we, the ruling class of the planet, mingled with those who are sick. That wouldn’t look very well especially since this is an election year. No, we won’t do that. Yuck!! Gross!! Barf!!”
You: “That’s pretty hypocritical of you. Where is your love for your fellow aliens?”
Head Alien Dude: “But these sick aliens are too gross and sick to love. So will you do it?”
You: “Of course. If I don’t, there won’t be much chance that they will survive.”