FOURTEEN Tony's Confession
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"Annie," he began, his eyes two marbles of blue ice, "I don't ask you to condone or to forgive me for what I did. All I ask is you try to understand why I did it and how badly I felt about what I had done afterward, especially after Heaven found out and hated me for it."
He paused, waiting for me to reply, but I said nothing. Perhaps he hoped for some encouragement before he started, but all I could think was I was about to hear something so terrible, I would immediately ask--no, demand--to be taken from Farthinggale Manor.
I realized Tony was right about one thing--this was a perfect place for me to be to hear the story. Some of my mother's clothing still hung in the closets, and from the way the garments looked, I didn't doubt Tony had had them cleaned and pressed--all part of his obsession to keep the past alive, to keep his memories happy memories. I was positive I smelled the familiar scent of jasmine, and, although I knew I had to be imagining it, I thought I even heard the tinkle of a Chopin melody being played on a music box.
"Annie, you can't imagine what it was like for me after my brother passed away. I had always hoped he would overcome his fatalism and depression and find someone to love. He would marry and have children. Little Tattertons would once again be laughing and running through these great halls. There would be heirs and the family line would continue on and on."
"Why didn't you and Jillian have children of your own, Tony?" The question seemed natural and obvious to ask, but I could see from the reaction in his eyes and the way his lips tightened that it brought him great mental anguish. He shook his head slowly.
"Jillian wasn't a young woman when I married her, and she was a very vain woman who believed that after she had Leigh, she had lost some of her beauty. She claimed she had to battle to win back her figure.
"In short, Jillian did not want to have another child. Of course, I pleaded. I begged her to consider the Tatterton heritage and my desire for an heir."
"What was her response?"
"Jillian was like a child, Annie. She couldn't conceive of her own death; she couldn't even face getting old. That problem just didn't exist for her.
"During the earlier times, she would drive me away by saying Troy should be the one to have heirs. After he died . . well, it was too late for Jillian by then."
"But what does this have to do with why my mother refused to have anything more to do with you?"
"This is all by way of preface, Annie, so that you will understand my motives for what I did. By that time Troy was gone; Jillian was . . . well, Jillian was so lost in herself, she was well on her way to the world of insanity she was to inhabit until the day she died.
"When Heaven first came along, you can't imagine how my heart cheered when I set eyes on her, JiIlian's granddaughter. Troy was already in deep depression by then, living alone, convinced he was to die soon. Jillian was wrapped up in herself, in her beauty regimen.
"Heaven was bright and alive and eager to learn and to become someone. As you know, I enrolled her in an expensive private school, lavished her with expensive clothing, made sure she had everything she could ever want. When she wanted to go back to Winnerrow and try to bring her Casteel family back together again, I financed her." He leaned toward me and lowered his voice as if he didn't want any of his ancestors to hear. "I would even have permitted her to bring the whole clan hack here, as long as she would remain and become my heir.
"You can't imagine how it broke my heart when she decided to go back to Winnerrow to become a schoolteacher. I couldn't believe she had given all this up for a teaching position in a small town, where the people didn't even appreciate her, where they still looked down on her and called her a `scumbag Casteel.'"
"It. was her lifelong dream to be there for the children just the way her teacher had been there for her," I said. "I remember how proud she was of what she had been able to do as a teacher."
"Yes, yes, I know. And I was wrong to belittle that. I realized it too late.
"Anyway, after I learned she was going to marry your father, I panicked. This would surely keep her away from Farthinggale forever, I thought. She would marry and set up a modest little home in Winnerrow, and . ." He swallowed. "And she would make up with her father Luke Casteel and be rooted solidly in that world again.
"Can you understand how I felt?" he pleaded. "It was all going to end with me . Tatterton Toys, Farthy, all of it. What had it been for? Nights I would walk through these dark halls feeling the angry eyes of my ancestors on me looking down from the portraits. I began to despise the echo of my own footsteps, to hate the face that gazed back at me from the mirrors, to wish I had never been born a Tatterton.
"And then, one day, I thought, why can't there be a way to bring Heaven and her world to Farthy?
"When I learned of Heaven's engagement to Logan, I contacted him and we discussed his future. I saw that he was a bright and perceptive man, ambitious and eager. I offered him an important position with my company and I requested that he and Heaven permit me to make them a wedding reception here."
"I know. I've seen the pictures. It must have been wonderful."
"There hasn't been a party like it since. It was that day, just before that party, that I presented Logan and Heaven with the idea of joining my company and building the factory in Winnerrow. Your mother consented, and then I showed them this suite." He stopped and stared at the memory of victory. "And she was overwhelmed. I had won her back. I had used all my resources, used all I was, and all I had, to do so."
"But Tony, why did she hate you?"
He looked down and turned his hands about in his lap as though inspecting them for scars.
"She hated me for the one additional thing I had done to secure my plan." He looked up.
"What was it, Tony?" My voice was soft and breathless.
"I was afraid of the relationship she would develop with Luke Casteel. I knew how much she loved him and wanted him to love her. After all their years apart, she was going to forgive him for selling her and her brothers and sisters; she was inviting him and his new wife Stacie to her wedding in Winnerrow. And I knew that Luke would go. I was positive that once she had made up with him, she would have no need of me--not my money, not the factory, nothing would make any difference. I felt I had to stop it."
"What did you do?" I asked, with anticipation.
"I knew from my discussions with Heaven that Luke had always dreamt of owning his own circus. At the time he worked for a man named Windenbarron. I bought the circus from Windenbarron and offered it to Luke for one dollar."
"One dollar!"
"One dollar and one stipulation . . . he was not to go to the wedding and he was not to have any contact with Heaven. If he did, he would lose the circus."
I stared at him; even though I was unable to speak, I couldn't help the flood of thoughts that rushed through my mind. One dollar! Tony had been like the Devil buying a man's soul, tempting him with all that he wanted and dreamt of having, but making him surrender the things that should have been most precious to him. I felt sick, disgusted, as weak as I would had I just learned my own father traded me for a circus, and only for a dollar!
The silence between us seemed eternal. How wished I could get up and run from that room, run from these terrible revelations. What kind of a man was Luke Casteel? Luke Jr. surely hadn't inherited these traits, I prayed. Not the Luke Jr. knew and loved.
"Luke agreed?" I finally asked, knowing the answer full well.
"Yes, and lived up to his agreement until the day he and his wife were killed. It was only then . . . Heaven found out what I had done. I tried to explain it to her, just as I am explaining it to you. I begged her to forgive me, but she was so enraged she left Farthinggale immediately and never returned."
He lowered his head.
"She left me a broken, guilt-ridden man, wandering alone in this enormous house to ponder my selfish acts. After what I thought was a sufficient time for the wounds to heal, I tried
to get Heaven to talk to me, to answer my calls and letters, but she would have nothing more to do with me, and nothing I could do would make a difference.
"I retreated to the shadows, and I have been there ever since." He looked down and then he looked up quickly. "But what kept me alive was learning about you and about Heaven and Logan's life in Winnerrow. I had my people bring me reports about your progress, your growth into the beautiful young lady you've become, as well as reports about the success of the Willies Toy Factory and Heaven and Logan's wonderful life in Winnerrow, where they came to be respected and envied. I. . I couldn't help wanting to see you, to learn about you.
"Many times I toyed with the idea of simply appearing there, risking being thrown out of the house. I even planned to go to Winnerrow in a disguise and watch you from a short distance," he said, but in such a way that I wondered if he had indeed not done such a thing.
"You can't imagine how much it has meant to me during all these dry and lonely years to live with you and Heaven even vicariously, through stories," he said, and I saw the tears in his eyes and realized how deeply sincere he was. He had been waiting all these years for either Mommy's or my appearance at Farthinggale. How he had longed for it. I couldn't help but pity him for his desperate longing.
"Oh, Annie, don't think for one moment I wouldn't give all that I have to go back in time and change what I had done, but I couldn't. Please . . please don't hate me for it. Give me the chance to correct my wrong by helping you, by making you whole and well and happy again."
He took my hands into his, his eyes pleading, begging, beseeching me to accept him. I looked away and took a deep breath. My heart was pounding. I thought I might swoon again if I didn't get back into bed.
"I want to go back to my room, Tony. I need to rest and to think."
He nodded sadly, resignedly.
"I don't blame you for hating me, too."
"I don't hate you, Tony. I believe you are sorry for what you did, but I also understand now why my mother was so sad when it came to talking about her father and why she was so upset whenever we talked about Farthinggale and mentioned you. He died before they had a chance to reconcile with each other after so many years of estrangement. Unlike you, Tony, my grandfather never had a chance to ask for forgiveness."
"I know, and that knowledge will accompany me into hell." He wiped a tear from his cheek.
Forgive me, Mommy, I thought, but at this moment I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, too.
"Let me get some rest, Tony. Drake's coming this afternoon to get the list of things I want from Winnerrow, isn't he?"
"Yes."
He got up and came around my chair. I heard him take a deep breath and sigh. Then he began wheeling me out of the suite, out of the past and back into the present.
Tony sent Mrs. Broadfield up immediately after he brought me back to my room, and she helped me get back into my bed.
"I'll be right back," she said after I was settled in, "and we'll begin your therapy."
"I don't want to do therapy today," I replied.
"Of course you do. You can't skip a day. We have to develop a rhythm that your body will learn and depend upon," she lectured. "Now rest a few moments and return for our exercises. Your legs must be massaged, the blood made to circulate through your muscles. You don't want your legs to rot and fall off, do you?" she asked, smiling again, this time like some wicked witch. She pivoted about and walked out before I could respond, but that grotesque image remained with me.
I was like putty in her hands when she returned. All the while i waited for her, I thought about my mother discovering Tony had bribed her father to stay away from her wedding and stay away from her. I recalled how her eyes would become sad and distant whenever she talked about Luke. How sad it was that she had been denied the opportunity to have one more talk with him so they could forgive each other.
Yet the fault wasn't solely Tony's, I thought. Luke had agreed to the terms. He had been willing to reject my mother to own his precious circus. When my mother discovered the truth, that fact must have occurred to her and made it even more painful to bear. I could understand why she would be furious. Since Luke was no longer alive, she had to turn all that fury solely on Tony.
However, when I pictured Tony the way he had described himself--alone in this great house, regretting what he had done and unable to gain my mother's forgiveness, I couldn't help but pity him as well. Perhaps if Mother had seen him now, she would have softened. She was too compassionate and caring a person to turn her back on so troubled a soul.
No, I decided, I wouldn't demand to be taken from Farthinggale Manor. I was providing Tony with a way to work out his repentance. To leave would be to punish him even more, perhaps even to drive him to the same sort of fatal choice his brother Troy had made.
All these thoughts ran through my mind as Mrs. Broadfield kneaded my thighs and massaged my calf muscles. The stinging sensations returned even more sharply, but I didn't tell her. I would wait for the doctor, I thought.
She lifted and turned me this way and that. When I looked down, I saw her strong hands squeeze and rub my flesh until the pale white skin turned crimson, and when her fingers reached my buttocks when she had me turned on my stomach, I felt them . . . not accompanied by pain, either. I just felt them. The pressure was even annoying.
"I feel your fingers and there is no pain, Mrs. Broadfield."
"Really?" She continued, pressing even harder. "Yes, isn't that important?"
"Could be. I'll put it in my report." She rubbed on and on.
"Isn't it enough yet?" I finally asked.
She snapped back as if I had slapped her, and she immediately pulled my nightgown down so it covered me to the tops of my ankles. Her face was red from the effort she had expended and her eyes were as small as a rodent's. Just at that moment we heard voices in the hallway.
Drake and Tony were approaching. I hurriedly covered myself and lay back to greet them. Drake beamed when he set eyes on me. I returned his smile, but mine was short and thin. Luke would have noticed something was bothering me, I thought. Drake looked right through the clues.
"Hi, Annie." He kissed my cheek. Tony remained back by the foot of the bed. "I came for your list. Should I have brought a truck?" He laughed and turned to Tony, who was completely restored to his usual distinguished self.
"I don't want that much, Drake. I'm not going to be here forever," I said. I saw Tony wince, but Drake nodded emphatically.
"Of course. Good thinking, positive thinking." "I'll be downstairs," Tony said suddenly. "You two visit awhile."
"I won't be long," Drake responded. "Have to get under way."
"This is the list, Drake." I pulled it out from under one of my pillows. I had kept it there because every once in a while something else would occur to me and I didn't want to have to bother Mrs. Broadfield with endless requests for a pen and the paper.
"Mrs. Avery will help you find everything," I told him. He nodded, still studying the list.
"Both charm bracelets? That's all the jewelry you want?"
"I have no use for anything else, Drake. Where am I going?"
"Oh, you might get to the point where you dress up for something. I don't know. Whatever. If I see anything else I think you might want, I'll grab it," he said, folding the paper and shoving it into the inside pocket of his suit jacket. Finally he saw the troubled look in my eyes. "Something's wrong, isn't it, Annie?"
"Oh, Drake," I started to cry.
"Annie, oh Annie." He sat on the bed and embraced me as best he could. "What is it? Did you find out about Luke?"
"Luke?" I swallowed my lump quickly. "What about Luke? Drake . . . tell me." My heart began to pound.
"Well, I was going to tell you, just so you wouldn't worry about why he hasn't called or contacted you yet, but--"
"What!" A knot of terror formed in the pit of my stomach.
"Easy, Annie. Nothing bad has happened to him. After I saw you yesterday, I thought I
would go to Harvard and find out what he's been doing. It took me a while to locate him. I found him in the dormitory lounge . . head to head with a coed." He shifted his eyes away so I couldn't read the rest of his thoughts.
"What do you mean, Drake? I don't
understand." I couldn't fight the faintness that took hold of me. It was hard to speak, but I didn't want Drake to see just how hard it was.
"He found a girlfriend, rather quickly, I know, and he was quite involved with her."
"A girlfriend? But didn't he ask about me?" I asked hopefully. It was almost a prayer.
"Oh yes, and then he promised to call Tony today. I asked him about it as we came up the stairway on the way up to you, but . . Luke hasn't called yet. I suppose he will later. For a moment there," he added, looking toward the doorway, "I thought Tony might have sent someone to Harvard to locate Luke for you, and whoever went brought back the same information, which Tony then brought to you."
"No." I turned away. My heart felt like a chunk of cement. Luke, distracted by a new girl, forgot about me? I had lost Daddy and Mommy and now . . now I was about to lose Luke, too? This couldn't be happening; it couldn't be true. If Luke was distracted, it was only because I was sick and away from him, I thought. Once I recuperated, regained my strength and returned, he would lose interest in this coed. No one he met could share with him the things I did. As soon as I walked into a room and he set eyes on me again, our lives would be as they were. I prayed they would. I was determined they would.
"I know what you're thinking, Annie, but you don't understand how exciting it can be for someone like Luke, who has been stuck in a one-horse town all his life, to suddenly come to a place like Harvard and meet different, far more sophisticated people. He got swept of his feet, just like anyone could. You can't blame him for it," Drake added.