Moving down Bleak Street wasn’t easy, and when the road turned uphill, it was impossible to keep up a good pace.
“We’re never going to catch them,” Xen yelled.
“Is that the kind of attitude that Peppy would like?” Mindy yelled back.
“It’s just that mathematically, at the pace we’re going, we will never reach them before they reach the District Compound,” Xen said, defeated. “I mean if x equals the speed we’re running, and y equals the space between us and them. And if a equals the distance—”
“Stop talking and keep running!” I pleaded.
Just before reaching the top of the hill Owen took a break from hacking and wheezing to try to speak.
“There … is … something … happening," he wheezed. “Something’s wrong … up ahead.”
“What?” Mindy asked.
“I … can … still … hear Peppy and Nerf, but … now … they’re screaming and fighting!”
“With each other?” Xen yelled.
“No, something else.”
We reached the top of the hill, and I could see what Owen was talking about. On the road below us, the Pep Liaison, Nerf, Mud, and Weasel were all being attacked by a large crowd of Fanatics.
LAME stopped in our tracks and stared down the hill.
It was unusual for Fanatics to have formed groups and be roaming the streets so early. But the sky was getting darker, and Mr. Pep’s group was currently getting the snot scratched and flashed out of them. The massive gaggle of Fanatics had obviously ambushed them. We stood on the top of the hill, confused and worried. To make matters worse, Marsha was in the group—the leader of Marsha Law. She was currently taking pictures and harassing the Pep Liaison. Just seeing her made all hope disappear.
“What do we do?” Owen asked Xen.
“Don’t look at me. I have no idea how to manage stuff like this. My recommendation is for us to run away.”
“Maybe we should,” Mindy said. “If we get involved, Marsha will pick us apart.”
I looked at my three friends as we all stood nervously.
We really fit our name. All our costumes were kind of lame, and our superpowers didn’t really make us super. In fact, on a good day an above-average person might have been able to hear, clap, and think as well as us.
We were clearly out of our league.
Life had picked on us and teased us and ignored us for so long that it seemed like running and hiding might be the best solution (as usual). The world was a scary and confusing place. Why make it more complicated? People had messed with Marsha and felt the wrath.
The Fanatics began to really go at Peppy and Nerf.
“Should we cry for help, or just cry?” Owen asked.
I was seconds away from turning around and running away when I remembered the last line Dindo the elf king had said in the end of the first Elf Scrimmage book.
“We should help,” I blurted out.
“What!” Xen cried. “There’s too many of them, and MARSHA.”
“I know, but we can’t just leave. We’re LAME. We have to help them and then get our tests to the District Compound. We aren’t the four puny geeks we were last week. Now we’re geeks with attitude and weird powers. Mindy, you clap. Owen, you barrel into people and flash your eyes, and Xen, you manage the turd out of this thing.”
“But we’re afraid,” Owen said.
I looked at all three of them. There was only one thing left for me to say.
They smiled weakly and I smiled back. I turned and yelled “charge!” in Dindo’s native elf tongue:
“Plinky!”
We barreled down the hill as fast as we could, letting momentum help us run faster than we would normally be able to. The Fanatics were tearing into Nerf and his friends with phone flashes and slap-chats, and the Pep Liaison was being pummeled but still trying to make things seem positive.
When we were inches away, we all screamed like we were on fire.
Everyone glanced in our direction.
I could be wrong, but it looked like some of the Fanatics were intimidated. It was now our job to make sure they couldn’t see how scared we really were.
I saw that Nerf was pinned and being forced to smile for selfie after selfie while Mud and Weasel were getting bludgeoned, which is an above-average way of saying smacked around with flashes and fists.
Mindy clapped into action!
A loud crack sounded. Every selfie stick that anyone was holding shattered and fell to the ground. Owen tripped and rolled into a girl who was trying to hit me with the third book in the Sand Thrower series.
She fell over and sprang right back up. Owen flashed his bright eyes, blinding her while Mindy and I took on a girl taking rapid-fire pictures, a boy using a tablet as a shield, and another girl whipping people with her charge cord.
I thought of every phone in the gathering and imagined them turning off. Instantly, dozens of Fanatics stopped what they were doing to stare helplessly at their dead phones. There was wailing and gnashing of teeth as everyone tried to figure out what was happening.
Nerf crawled up off the ground and scrambled behind us for protection. I don’t think he knew who we were. Mud and Weasel moved back behind us too—Peppy did the same. The Fanatics were staring at their blank phones, looking shocked.
For a moment, I thought we had done it. We had swooped in and shut them all off. But as the Fanatics began to realize that their phones were dead, they looked at us with hatred in their eyes.
Spitting mad, they advanced toward us. Marsha moved to the front and stared me down.
There were just too many of them. There was nothing left for me and Mindy to break or turn off. Owen opened his eyes wide, but seeing someone with glowing eyeballs didn’t slow them at all.
The Fanatics made a circle around us and began to close in tighter and tighter.
Mindy clapped at one wearing glasses, and the window of a car parked down the street shattered. I quickly started the car with my mind, but I couldn’t drive it. I stopped a moving car that was driving around us, but that did us no good. The person driving just got out and ran away.
I wanted to run away too, but we were surrounded.
“Don’t worry,” I hollered. “They can’t get us all.”
“Really?” Mindy hollered back. “I think they can.”
Xen began to burp. I didn’t blame him. I was more frightened than I had been with the spiders crawling all over me. Was this how my life was going to end? Me, wearing a dumb homemade costume, hanging out with Nerf, and surrounded by angry Fanatics?
Marsha moved forward. She raised her book and screamed emojis at me.
Xen burped again, and this time it was louder.
As he belched, the force of it knocked him backward and off his feet. Owen and I bent down to help him up, and when he stood, I saw that Marsha and four of the Fanatics who had been standing in front of Xen were now lying on the ground.
“What’s—”
Before I could get my question out, Xen burped again, and the sound was deep and thumped the air like a giant drum. He flew back into me and Owen, while the Fanatics standing nearby were blown off their feet.
“Holy belching!” Owen screamed.
“Grab Xen’s other arm!” I screamed back.
The two of us held on to Xen’s arms and directed his head and body toward the frantic Fanatics now coming from behind us. Xen burped and it was so powerful we could barely keep him standing.
Waves of Fanatics toppled like dominoes.
“Everyone stay behind Xen!” I yelled. “He’s blowing them all down!”
Mindy, Peppy, Nerf, Mud, and Weasel all scrunched in behind Xen, propping him up with all of our body weight.
The burping was coming at an abrupt and sudden pace now. We all held on to Xen and turned him in a circle. As he swiveled, Fanatic after Fanatic was blown down and over. They fell to the ground crying and wailing. One girl just kept yelling hashtags.
Some tried to stand and make another run at us,
but each time, Xen was ready and blew them away. Marsha looked beat-up and out for blood.
Xen belched like he’d never belched before. It blew her back and onto her rear. It took a ton of smelly burps but eventually every last Fanatic had had enough and crawled off in defeat.
When all was said and belched, it was just me and Owen and Mindy and Xen standing while Nerf and Mud and Weasel and Peppy were crouched together behind us.
We turned to look at them, and Nerf stared up in amazement.
“Who are you?” he asked.
I couldn’t believe it! He really didn’t know who we were.
“We’re—” Owen started to answer.
I slapped him on the back to shut him up before he ruined everything by telling the truth.
“We’re the League of Average and Mediocre Entities,” I said using a slightly altered voice. As I said it, I pointed to the logo on the front of my costume.
Nerf actually looked impressed.
We helped them all up, and as they were dusting themselves off, we tried to stand and pose in a position that we thought would look cool.
The Pep Liaison was impressed. He had smiled through the whole battle, but now he was grinning ear to ear.
“How can we ever thank you?” he asked. “Perhaps a hug?”
“That won’t be necessary,” I insisted.
The tests!
I had forgotten what our mission was. Our tests needed to be put in his bag with the rest of them. But Mr. Peppy was beginning to walk away. I quickly unzipped my costume and pulled out the tests. Then, holding the papers behind me, I said …
“Wait! I’ll take that hug after all.”
The Pep Liaison turned and smiled. He then opened his arms. I gave him a hug, and as I did, I slipped the four tests I had taken from Darth Susan into Peppy’s bag with the others. The hug lasted a full five seconds before he let go.
“See?” he said to me. “Hugs make things better.”
The tests were now tucked in his bag with the others. We just needed to get away before anyone realized what we had done or who we really were.
“We must go,” I declared. “When the morrow comes, we will be nothing but wind.”
“Is that a fart joke?” Owen whispered to me.
“No, I’m trying to be dramatic,” I whispered back.
“It’s working.”
The four of us turned to leave but Nerf stopped us.
“Hold on a second,” he said.
I stopped moving and slowly turned to look at him. I tried not to appear nervous as he studied my costume. He stared at me and cocked his head.
“I have a question.”
I gulped as quietly as I could. Nerf was onto us, and this hard, messy, and terrifying day wasn’t quite yet over.
“Yes?” I said with a deep voice.
Nerf gulped and said, “Um … do you think I could maybe join up with you guys?”
“What?” I asked, baffled.
“Your group,” he said. “You guys are amazing. I don’t have any powers, but I’m pretty good at fighting, and I’m willing to hit things. Just ask anyone.”
“It’s true,” Weasel confirmed.
I was dumbfounded. Nerf still had no idea who we were. I put my hand on his shoulder and stared at him like my dad did when he was trying to be serious.
“Listen,” I said. “This is not an easy life. The world is in turmoil. There are people who need help every second of the day. The government’s corrupt, Fanatics rule the streets, the weather’s a mess, and the only way you can get frosting is on the black market.”
“I know all of that,” Nerf said. “But I can help.”
I looked at Nerf and wondered what he would do if he knew it was me. He’d most likely punch me and then steal my clothes and leave me in my underpants to walk home.
“So can I join?” he asked.
“No. Not right now.”
Nerf looked crushed.
“But,” I said, “maybe when the time is right, there will be a place for you in our group.”
I took my hand off Nerf’s shoulder and turned to run. The four of us then darted into the darkening afternoon and away from our first LAME victory. It had been a long few days, and the only mission we wanted to be a part of now was a mission to sleep.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Secrets
“Tip?” Mr. Scrum asked. “Can you tell me why it’s important to bury any money you might have?”
I thought a moment and then answered, “Because the banks are full of crooks, and most thieves don’t like to take the time to dig things up.”
It had only been a day since the big test and the burp fight. I was sitting in my third-hour Conspiracy class and it was coming to an end. That meant lunchtime was near.
I had gotten to school early today because I wanted to find out our fate. I needed to see if our mission had worked and our school had passed the SLAP. If not, I knew we would all be attending outpost #72. But to my surprise, there had been no morning announcements and no mention of anything from any of the teachers or Finn about how well we had done.
Mindy was sitting at the desk to my right, and Owen and Xen were sitting a couple of rows up and over. My mind was racing a million miles an hour. (Sure, minds don’t race—they send electronic impulses—but it felt like my brain was revving itself up.) I had no idea if Darth Susan had figured out that it was us who had taken back our tests and returned them to the Pep Liaison. And I didn’t know if the District Compound had tallied, which is a goofy way of saying computed, the test scores yet.
I could see Mud sitting a couple of rows over, but there was no sign of Nerf. He usually sat to the left of me in Conspiracy class, but today his desk was empty.
Mr. Scrum asked Mindy if she knew the difference between the deceased and the undead. Mindy was about to answer but she was stopped by the sound of the school intercom crackling to life as Darth Susan spoke.
She sounded like a bummed-out Darth Vader. There was no pep in her pronunciation, and she was sniffling.
“I’m sorry to say this,” she continued. “But due to circumstances beyond my control we … passed the SLAP.”
Her words were followed by sobbing. I looked over at Mindy and smiled slowly. WE HAD DONE IT. Little did Darth Susan know that the very people she loved—Nerf and the Jocks—had helped Mr. Peppy turn in our tests and save the school.
“Also,” Darth Susan went on, “today’s lunch will be squirrel jerky and canned mushrooms with almost a full piece of bread.”
There was more crying, and then the intercom clicked off.
“We really did it,” I mouthed silently to Mindy.
Mindy held her fingers up to her forehead to make the loser sign, but this time it stood for LAME. Or maybe it was for love? No, it was LAME.
I looked over at Owen and Xen and gave them the LAME sign too.
At that moment, the door to our classroom opened and Nerf stepped in. He handed his blue late slip to Mr. Scrum and stood there while our teacher studied it. Nerf didn’t seem quite the same. He looked less obnoxious than usual. Also he was wearing something strange.
What?! Nerf had on a LAME T-shirt that looked like he had made himself. All our jaws dropped.
Nerf came down the row and sat in his desk next to mine.
I usually tried as hard as I could not to talk to him, but as soon as I had the chance, I leaned over and whispered, “What’s on your T-shirt?”
He turned and stared at me.
“Really?” he said with a scoff. “It’s only the coolest group of heroes ever. I can’t believe you don’t know what LAME is.”
Nerf turned back around and listened to Mr. Scrum talk about how the government was sending radio waves into our heads to make us more obedient.
The subject interested me, but I was too busy thinking about Nerf’s shirt to focus. Nerf had no idea that the very people he idolized were the same ones he was always picking on. I really wanted to tell him the truth, but the secret
of LAME had to be kept.
Mr. Scrum instructed us to take out some tinfoil and make a hat so that the government couldn’t steal our brainwaves. As I was making my hat, I overheard Mud talking to Nerf.
“Hey, Nerf,” Mud said, “I heard that a bunch of Sox will be having a sock-sliding party in Q Hall during lunch. What say you, me, and Weasel bust it up?” Mud pounded his fist into his palm for emphasis.
“I don’t know,” Nerf replied. “Things are different. I mean, what about yesterday?”
“Yesterday was yesterday,” Mud said. “Do we have to be lame now because of that? Maybe you didn’t hear me—the Sox are having a sliding party. Plus, Tyler just waxed the floors. Those Sox will really travel when we push them around.”
Nerf shrugged. “All right.”
“So you’re in?” Mud asked.
“I’m in,” Nerf said with a smile.
I glanced at Mindy and then at Owen and Xen. Sure, we were Geeks, and yes, we had not been invited to the Sox sliding party, but everyone deserved justice, and now we’re just the people to administer it.
Finn the crier cried out.
I smiled. Not because Otto Waddle Jr. High Government Outpost was safe for the moment, and not because I had just finished making a really cool tinfoil hat. No, the reason for my smile was that, for the first time in our lives, me and my friends had a party to crash.
We just needed to make one quick change.
Other books by Obert Skye
THE CREATURE FROM MY CLOSET SERIES:
Wonkenstein
Potterwookiee
Pinocula
Katfish
The Lord of the Hat
Batneezer
THE WITHERWOOD REFORM SCHOOL SERIES:
Witherwood Reform School
Lost & Found
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Obert Skye is the author and illustrator of the bestselling Creature from My Closet series, including Wonkenstein, Potterwookiee, Pinocula, Katfish, The Lord of the Hat, and Batneezer. He is also the author of the Witherwood Reform School series and the popular fantasy adventure series Leven Thumps and Pillage. He lives with his family in Arizona. obertskye.com, or sign up for email updates here.