CHAPTER 3
Hold On Loosely
Dad only lived about ten minutes from the restaurant so I was there before I knew it. He worked from home a couple of days a week and this was one of those days. I walked up the stairs to the porch and tried the door. It was unlocked so I let myself in.
"Dad?" I called.
"Down here," he replied from the basement that he had transformed into a huge, fully functional home office.
I was down the stairs in about two seconds. "Hi, Dad. Are you busy?"
"Never too busy for you, Essie. What are you doing here? Do you need something?"
"No, Dad. I don't need anything. I just wanted to see you and hang out for a while before I'm gone for good."
"Don't say that, Ess. You'll break my heart. You know you can come visit anytime you want."
"I know, but it won't be the same. I won't be able to just drop by like this."
"I know. I wish you didn't have to go. But it's a great career move for your mother and she's really excited about it."
"Yeah. And I'm happy for her. I am. It's just that? I'm really going to miss you and all my friends and my senior year. You know I was going to be the editor of the school newspaper this year."
"Maybe they'll need an editor at your new school," he offered hopefully.
I just gave him a look.
"You're right. I'm sure they have someone in place at this point. I was just trying to be optimistic."
"Thanks, Dad. I'm sure it will all work out fine," I said cheerfully and changed the subject. "What are you working on?"
My dad was an architect at a firm in Boston. "The city wants to expand the aquarium but there's a limited amount of space, of course. I need to get creative."
"I can't wait to see what you come up with. Will you email your design when you've finished?"
"Of course. I love that you're interested in architecture."
"I guess I got that from you," I said smiling.
"I guess you did at that." He sounded proud. "Speaking of, did you hear about the fire at the old shoe factory downtown last night?"
"I saw it in the paper this morning and stopped by before breakfast to check it out. What a shame. I hope the owners will decide to restore it."
"Me, too."
"Well, Dad, I've got some shopping to do, so I'll let you get back to work."
"Okay, honey. I'm glad you stopped by. Let me give you some money for whatever you need."
"You don't have to do that."
"I want to. Make me happy. Here," he said handing me a hundred dollar bill.
"Dad?" I protested.
"Take it and buy something nice from me."
"Thanks, Dad."
"You're welcome, Essie. I love you."
"Love you, too," I said and turned to go.
"Come back soon. I want to see as much of you as I can before you leave."
"I will, Dad. I promise. See you."
"Okay, then. See you soon."
Back in the car once again, I put in an old cd soundtrack and cranked it. I loved the effect that music had on me when I was stressed. It made me temporarily forget about whatever was bothering me at that moment as I immersed myself in the lyrics. Linkin Park's "Leave Out All the Rest" started playing. It always gave me pause when he sang, "I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through..." because that's how I saw myself. I smiled now, remembering a t-shirt that my dad had bought me that said, "When I'm sad, I just stop being sad and be awesome instead".
Just then, I arrived at the mall. Nice, I thought. A space up front. I parked and went in, now excited about the hundred dollars that my dad had given me, feeling guilty about the mean thoughts I had had about him last night. He really was a good dad, and more than minimally involved. Truth be told, I was probably more than a little jealous of his seemingly perfect, intact family. It was embarrassing to me that my siblings and I had three fathers between us, none of them currently married to my mother. I just wished that he had fought for us to stay, but, ultimately, I knew that it wouldn't have made a difference.
After wandering aimlessly for about an hour and a half, I gave up. I couldn't find anything worth buying. That always happened. When I actually had money, I could never seem to find anything that I wanted. I should probably go home anyway and start organizing my stuff so I won't have to do it all at the last minute, I thought.
Arriving home, I found my two younger sisters and my little brother playing in the yard. It was finally hot and they had retrieved the old Slip & Slide from one of the boxes of summer stuff in the garage. They were taking turns backing way up and running as fast as they could toward the wet piece of plastic and then throwing themselves on it with reckless abandon. I went into the house, quickly changed into my bathing suit, and joined the kids.
"Hey, you're too big," Danny joked, trying to push me away.
"I am NOT too big," I replied defiantly. And I definitely wasn't big, except maybe to a five-year-old. I was five feet, four inches tall and weighed about 115 pounds. That wasn't very big. I had always wished to be taller, but I was certain that I was done growing. I was already taller than my mother.
I playfully picked Danny up and sat him on the stairs then ran quickly toward the Slip & Slide before he could catch me. I dove head first and slid down the length of the plastic, ending up in the wet grass. I just laid there laughing for a minute until Hollie decided she couldn't wait for me to move and came crashing into me.
It was nice to actually be enjoying time with my siblings. More often than not, I was put in the position of playing their mother. As the oldest, it was something that came naturally to me, but I resented it sometimes. It's not cool to have to be the disciplinarian.
I flipped Hollie onto her back and started tickling her. I loved the sound of her laughter.
What a difference twenty-four hours had made. Yesterday, I thought my world was coming to an end. Today, I was playing with my siblings and looking optimistically ahead to an uncertain future. We continued to play for a long while, taking full advantage of the beautiful weather.
Jane pulled up around 4:45 with her stereo blasting. She got out of her car and stood in the driveway, hands on her hips.
"What are you doing?" she demanded, sounding slightly annoyed. "I've been trying to call you all afternoon. We decided to go earlier. You need to start getting ready. Go inside and shower right now. We still have to go to the grocery store after Peggie and Annie get here."
The kids groaned in harmony. "Don't go, Essie. We want you to play with us."
"Sorry, guys. I made plans with my friends and, apparently, I should have been ready by now. We're going to the lake. Jane, do you want to come in while I get ready?"
"Sure."
Once inside, she snapped, "I can't believe you're not ready yet! Tommy called me today and asked if I was going tonight. He's going to be there at 5:30. I was hoping that we could get there at 5:30, too, before the competition arrives."
"Competition?"
"You know that Katie's been trying to get him to ask her out all year," she said jealously. "When she gets there, she'll do everything she can to keep me away."
"If he wanted to ask her out, he would have done it already. Let her keep making a fool of herself. You'll just look that much better by not throwing yourself at him. Be cool."
"Easy for you to say. You've never been interested in anyone. Why is that again?"
"Who is there to be interested in? I'm not going to settle just to have a boyfriend. I've lived in this town my whole life and haven't met one boy who even comes close to my idea of what a boyfriend should be. Well, except for Sawyer. But I think of him more like a brother."
"Maybe your expectations are just set too high."
"Are you serious? Maybe your expectations are just too low!"
"Whatever, Essie. I like Tommy. I like him a lot. And if he asks me out, I'm going to say yes."
"I'm glad for you, Janie. Really. I know you like him. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. I know you have this idea of the perfect guy in your head and... you'll/I'll know him when you/I meet him," we said in unison and started laughing.
"Get ready already," she barked at me.
"Fine."
"Fine. Do it."
"Twenty minutes," I said, walking toward the bathroom.
"Fifteen!" she yelled after me.
"Fine!"
"Fine," she laughed.
Fifteen minutes later I was ready. A super fast shower and quick shaving of the legs, a little blush and lip gloss, and I was ready to go. I could get away with leaving my hair wet. It was fairly long with layers cut into it and it had a little wave to it as well. If I let it dry naturally, it didn't look terrible.
When we went downstairs, Peggie and Annie were sitting at the kitchen table with my mother. She loved to hear all the latest teenage gossip from my friends since she didn't usually get much of that out of me.
"Hi, Essie," she said cheerfully. "The kids said you were playing with them on the Slip & Slide earlier. They love when you play with them."
"It was fun. And I'll probably be able to play with them everyday once we move. I doubt I'll make any friends before school starts," I said with just a hint of gloom.
"Awww, come on. You're a friendly girl. I'm sure you'll meet people quickly," she countered optimistically.
My friends agreed, nodding a little too eagerly. I rolled my eyes and half smiled to appease them.
"Come on, let's go," I said quickly before that conversation had a chance to continue. Peggie and Annie got up from the table.
"Bye, Caroline," the girls said. She insisted on my friends calling her by her first name. She said the title of Mrs. made her feel like her mother.
"Bye, Mum. I won't be too late."
"Okay, sweetie. Have fun."
I nodded as my three best friends and I headed toward the door. I was looking forward to seeing everyone at the lake tonight, but it would be bittersweet. Other than the Fourth of July party, this might be the last time I'd ever see some of these people. I guess it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, I'd be going off to college next year anyway where I was sure to meet lots of new people, people I might actually be friends with forever. Other than Jane, Peggie and Annie, how many of the people that I was currently going to high school with would I remain friends with after high school? Probably none. So why couldn't I stop stressing about leaving this place?
We reached my car and I was forced to re-focus my attention. I was driving tonight. I always drove. Jane called shotgun. She always called shotgun. Peggie and Annie never argued the call.
With the windows rolled down and the music turned up, we headed for the grocery store. After getting what we needed, we continued on to the lake known to the locals as Captain's Pond. It was actually in Salem, New Hampshire, the next town over, to the north of Bradford, and right over the state line. Sawyer had moved there a few years ago. His family's home was right on the lake with a dock in their back yard. They had a boat and he always invited us over to water ski. The first year they were there, they instituted the annual "First Day of Summer Party". Most of the kids got there after dark, but Sawyer wanted us to get there early so we'd have time to catch up.
We pulled in, got our stuff, and went around back. Sawyer and a few of his friends were already hanging out on the deck. Always the perfect host, he came down, greeted us and took our bags. When he got to me, he gave me a big hug.
"I've missed you, Essie," he whispered in my ear.
Sawyer was the closest I had come to having a boyfriend. Before the move, we had grown up together, attending the same schools since kindergarten, often ending up in the same classes. He used to write me the cutest notes and shove them through the slits in my locker. He was not like the other boys. Sawyer was very sweet and kind and thoughtful and funny. My sisters and brother loved him; he was great with kids. Unfortunately, my feelings toward him were more brotherly than romantic. I wasn't sure why that was. He was really good-looking - tall, blond, with an athletic build. But whenever he attempted to be more than friends, I pulled away. It just felt weird.
"I've missed you, too. It's been months since I've seen you," I replied as I tried to end the hug that was beginning to feel awkward.
He led us up the stairs to the deck where we said hello to the guys we knew and Sawyer introduced us to two guys we hadn't met before. After a couple minutes of small talk, we decided to throw some hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill and take a ride in the boat while they were cooking. One of the new guys offered to stay behind and play grill master. It was still hot and the sun was pretty high in the sky. Being the longest day of the year, the sun wouldn't set till about 8:30. Once people started arriving, though, the boat would be off limits. Sawyer's parents didn't mind him taking us out during the day, but they had strict rules concerning number of passengers and night boating.
We all made our way into the boat and Sawyer carefully maneuvered it away from the dock. As he headed toward the middle of the lake, my friends and I stripped off our shorts and t-shirts to reveal the swimsuits we had put on underneath. When the boat slowed down and Sawyer shut off the engine, we all jumped in. I didn't particularly care for the lake, but when in Rome? I much preferred the ocean, the salt water and the waves. But the lake felt good right now and we were having fun treading water and trying to talk. After a few short minutes, Sawyer asked if anyone wanted to ski before we had to head back since people would be arriving soon. Of course, we all said yes.
"Women and children first," Sawyer called. A couple of the guys pushed Jimmy toward me, Jane, Peggie and Annie.
"Go ahead, man. He said children first," they joked. Poor Jimmy! He was about 5'2", a couple inches shorter than me. The rest of the guys were at least six feet tall, Sawyer was 6'3". With this group, it was painfully obvious that he was vertically challenged. "Ha, ha," was all he could come back with.
Because I had history with Sawyer, my friends insisted that I be the first to make a fool of myself. I hadn't skied since last summer and I wasn't very good, despite Sawyer's many attempts to improve my limited skills. After quickly getting into the skis and grabbing the rope, I leaned back, anxiously waiting for the slack between the boat and the handle I was desperately clenching to run out. "Please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall," I prayed frantically. Too quickly, the handle jerked and I fought with everything I had to get upright. "Please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall," I repeated. To my surprise and delight, I actually managed to stand and keep my balance for one trip around the small lake.
The others took their turns, and Sawyer offered to let me drive the boat, standing very close behind me, helping to guide the steering wheel, his huge hands covering mine. It was time to get back.
As we pulled into the dock, several people were there to meet us, and they helped secure the boat. Jane, Peggie, Annie and I jumped out and went inside to change out of our wet bathing suits and make ourselves presentable. As I walked out of the bathroom, Sawyer was there waiting.
"Hi," he said, grinning.
"Hi."
"I'm so glad you came. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Essie, I'd really like to take you out on a real date. I mean, I know we'll hang out a lot over the summer, but I'd like to do something together, just me and you. What do you say?"
"Well? I haven't had a chance to tell you, but?" I trailed off.
"What? Tell me what? Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine. It's just that, well, we're moving. In less than two weeks. To Georgia."
"You're moving to Georgia? Why?" he demanded.
"My mother was offered a job as a hospital administrator in Savannah and she took it. It's a great opportunity for her," I said for what felt like the hundredth time.
Sawyer looked at me for a long moment and then looked down. "I blew it," he mumbled.
"What are you talking about?" I asked innocently.
"Essie, you must know th
at I've liked you since kindergarten. But I should have said it out loud a long time ago. Now it's too late."
To be honest, I was glad he had never said it out loud. I was pretty sure of how he felt, but I liked being friends with Sawyer. I could always count on him to be around if I needed him. He'd escorted me to several school dances, picked me up once when I was stuck somewhere I didn't want to be, taught me to water ski. Thinking about it now, I felt ashamed. I hated to think that I was using him, but wasn't I? I knew he'd do anything for me and I took full advantage of that. But I truly liked being with him. Just not as a girlfriend. Should I admit this to him now? No.
"Sawyer," I began slowly. "You know how much you mean to me. I mean, I spend the majority of the summertime here with you. I've asked you to my school dances. We watch movies at my house. In fact, you're the only boy I really enjoy spending time with. I hope you'll still want to keep in touch after I move."
"You know I will, Ess. But it won't be the same."
"I know," I said, looking into his green eyes. And I gave him a hug.
"Ahem," Jane said loudly, forcing us to end the embrace. "Um, people are asking for you, Sawyer."
He looked at me briefly and then walked toward the door, leaving Jane and me standing there.
"What was that all about?"
I grimaced. "He told me that he's liked me since kindergarten and that he blew it and that now it was too late because I'm moving."
"Well, that's true, right? But it's not like you ever wanted him to be your boyfriend so I think it all worked out for the best."
"You're right, Janie. But I still feel bad."
"Well, get over it and let's party!" Jane grabbed my arm and dragged me toward the door. When we got outside, the place was packed. We made our way to Peggie and Annie, caught up on what we had missed, and started making the rounds.
The night was a blur of talking, explaining, laughing and reminiscing and, before I knew it, it was time to go home.
Saturdaysundaymondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfridaysaturdaysundaymondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfriday.
The two weeks that followed The First Day of Summer Party were a blur - packing, cleaning, organizing, yard sale. In between those activities, I squeezed in as much girl time as I could with Jane, Peggie and Annie. I even managed a couple of dinners with my dad, just me and him. That had never happened in the past. But he obviously felt guilty that he wouldn't get to see me very often and wanted to make the most of our limited time together. The girls were great sports and helped out with the moving process daily. It was actually a lot of fun to go through all of my stuff. So many memories.
All too quickly, it was July 4th, the day before we were scheduled to leave. Sawyer had, of course, invited us over to spend the day at the lake. Everything that had to be done was done. We would be flying to Savannah, Georgia on Saturday. It was still surreal to me. Even with the house packed up, suitcases sitting in the living room, and movers on the way, it was surreal.