“Slacking on our arrangement?” I teased.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve had a hard time concentrating lately. I’ve been a bit too preoccupied to read. I know I said I’d have it finished.”
Whatever could be preoccupying you, Amber?
“I’m just kidding,” I said. “It’s a book. It will always be there when you’re ready to open it again. But I’m ready to talk about The Law of Attraction.”
She wiped her mouth and eagerly gave me her full attention. “What did you think of it?”
“Well, the biggest takeaway is that if you want something in life, you can’t focus on the problem. You have to focus on the solution, or rather, focus on what you truly want. When we stress, we dwell on the things that bother us, and the more attention we give to those things, the more we attract that negativity into our lives. Whether someone believes in the attraction component or not, at the very least, the book teaches the obvious, which is that dwelling on negative shit gets you nowhere.”
“Do you believe that you can actually attract something by focusing on it?”
I rubbed my chin and thought about it for a moment. “No way to know for sure. That’s a mystery of life. But now that I’m more consciously aware of that possibility, I’ll let you know if I experience it happening to me.”
She sighed. “I love the concept of the book, but honestly, I’ve found it hard to implement. Even trying hard to block something out of your mind is still inadvertently focusing on it. It’s scary to me to think that if I’m lamenting over Rory, or telling myself that I’ll never find anyone else…that I could be attracting that exact situation.”
“Okay, so, just in case that’s true…try to think about something you really want and practice focusing on that instead.”
She looked at me in silence then asked, “What if what you want is something you can never have?”
“Well, that’s what you’re telling yourself. That may not be true. Maybe you should try to think more positively.”
Was she referring to me, or was that just my ego?
Either way, my advice would have been the same, but now I was left feeling rattled and wondering what was really going on in her pretty, little head.
Today was probably one of the most confusing days of my life. There was no doubt I still had feelings for Emily. It was so good to see her, and I was immediately reminded of all of the reasons I fell for her in the first place. She seemed genuinely sorry about the way things had ended between us and made it clear that she wanted a second chance.
When she’d asked me to go back to her place, I almost budged. But I knew what going there would have meant. It seemed like forever since I’d been inside of a woman. I hadn’t slept with anyone since before moving to Boston. This was the longest I’d gone without sex since I was a teenager, and truthfully I was nearing my breaking point. But I somehow resisted, deciding instead not to take advantage of the offer.
While a part of me suspected that it wasn’t exactly the end of the story for Emily and me, I couldn’t ignore the fact that Amber had been on my mind the entire day. When she appeared at the Common, something shifted. Things were awkward in a way that was different from just running into your friend.
Emily sensed it, too. She asked me if there was anything going on between Amber and me. I told her the truth: Amber and I were just friends.
So, why did it not seem as simple as that answer?
***
Emily and I decided to have dinner in Chinatown.
Looking around at the bamboo-style wooden décor and waterfalls at the restaurant, I dragged my fork over the Singapore noodles.
As I gazed out at a window across the street that was dressed with ducks laying upside down in a row, Emily interrupted my thoughts.
“You seem like something’s on your mind.”
“Just thinking about work.”
“Has it been busy?”
“Yeah. I have limited time here to get what I need to get done, so there’s a lot of pressure.”
Of course, work wasn’t really the subject of my obsessive thoughts tonight. I still didn’t know what I was going to do about Saturday. The truth was, I was seriously considering just letting the Gentleman Nine thing blow away. Maybe I’d send Amber a message from the G9 email account cancelling tomorrow night, or maybe I could just not show up at all. I honestly had no idea how to handle it. And now with Emily in the picture, things were even more complicated.
Emily leaned in and threaded her fingers through mine. “Can we go back to my place? I can make you forget all about it for a while.”
Sex with Emily had been the best of my life. I felt like I needed to go. I needed to figure out where my feelings for her stood, and one way to do that would be to bury myself inside of her, to see if that amazing sexual chemistry we had before still existed.
It had been too long for me. And focusing my sexual energy on someone other than Amber was probably a good idea at this point in time.
I forced the words out. “Sure. Let’s go to your place.”
***
Once back at Emily’s apartment in Waltham, she didn’t waste time setting up a romantic atmosphere. The shades were drawn, and the lights were dimmed. She played Coltrane and poured me some of my favorite gin, which she’d bought likely knowing I would end up back here.
“I just want to put something out there…” she said.
I threw back the liquor. “Alright.” It burned the back of my throat.
“If we decide to give this another try, I would be open to moving to Chicago. I know in the past, I said I was tied to this area, but I feel like a new start could be really good for me. I know we’re not there yet, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that—that I would be willing to move for you.”
No, we definitely aren’t there yet.
“Noted,” I simply said.
At one point, she left me in the living room while she ventured into her room. I looked around aimlessly, my eyes landing on her bookshelves then wandering over to a sculpture of an elephant in the corner.
She returned to the living room before taking my hand to follow her back into the bedroom.
Why am I nervous?
This was by no means my first rodeo—far from it.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Candles that she’d lit flickered around us. She lifted off her dress to reveal a red, lace bra and matching panties. Red was always her color, accentuating her long, dark hair. My dick twitched as I took in the sight of her body.
She pulled me into her, and we kissed as I tried to calm down, caressing her back. Emily was rubbing her bare skin against me. I knew I could have slipped inside of her in two seconds flat and that she’d be wet and welcoming. But for some reason, instead of relaxing into everything that was happening, my muscles tightened. I realized in that moment that I was resisting. Why? Why was I moving away from this when my body was turned on? Something was off.
Threading my finger through the back string of her thong, I pulled on it and closed my eyes, determined to let myself get lost in her tonight. The thong made me think of Amber’s lingerie. Images of her underwear laying on the grass of the Boston Common flashed through my head. All of my thoughts then moved to Amber. My heart was now palpitating because suddenly the ass I was gripping was Amber’s. At least, in my mind it was. And I was getting harder.
To get lost in Emily was what I wanted, but it wasn’t what I needed. It started to hit me all at once: Amber was showing up to a hotel to supposedly fuck a stranger tomorrow. Tomorrow. But she didn’t really want him. She wanted me. Why couldn’t it be me? I was leaving town anyway. Why couldn’t I be the one to give her what she needed in the meantime? Either I was losing my mind, or this was making a lot of sense. I couldn’t figure out which option was correct.
And now, I was painfully hard thinking about this. Shit. I was in no state to be screwing Emily when all I could think about was sex with Amber.
Prying myself awa
y, I said, “I don’t think I can do this tonight.”
She looked shocked. “What? Why?”
“I’ve got some things on my mind that I can’t shake. I’m really sorry, but I think I need to go home.”
The mood was understandably awkward for the next several minutes as Emily got her clothes back on.
“Will you call me when you’re feeling better, then?”
“Of course. I just need a little time to sort some stuff out.”
Everything was suddenly very clear to me. Before I could focus on anything with Emily or anyone else, I had to get Amber out of my system.
CHAPTER TEN
* * *
AMBER
Annabelle picked up. “Hey. Are you on your way?”
My legs felt wobbly as I walked down Grove Street in my heels. “Yes. Can you remind me what the hell I was thinking? Now that this day is actually here, I’m seriously considering backing out.”
“You can’t back out. You just paid a ton for a Brazilian wax. You need to show that shit to someone.”
“Okay, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll come over in a trench coat and flash you before I drink the night away.” I sighed. “I just need to remember to breathe.”
“Where are you now?”
“I’m just walking up to the entrance of The Peabody.”
“Make sure you call me the second it’s over, okay? Even before that if you need me.”
I blew out a shaky breath. “Okay. Thank you, Annabelle.”
“You got it, friend. Take care of yourself.”
With its dark wood décor and elaborate crown moldings, the historic Peabody Hotel was a place of rich architectural beauty. A beautiful Asian woman was playing the harp in a corner. G9’s choosing this place meant he had good taste.
My palms were sweaty as I entered the dark lounge, which was located diagonally across from the opulent front desk area. Red tablecloths were draped over the tables, and a massive chandelier shimmered from above.
At the very least, if he never showed, I could just have a drink and leave.
Remember, you don’t have to do anything you’re not totally comfortable with.
Looking around anxiously, I searched for a man in a black polo shirt.
My heart was pounding, and goosebumps peppered my skin. The room felt freezing cold.
Then, the feel of three fingers tapping on my shoulder caused me to jump before turning around.
That was the moment my heart nearly stopped. His familiar scent wafted in the air, as arousing as ever despite my nerves.
“Channing!”
Channing?
What was he doing here?
This was bad. I couldn’t let him find out about this. Gentleman Nine would be here any minute.
“You look beautiful, Amber.” He didn’t seem as surprised to see me as I was to see him.
Gentleman Nine and Channing could not meet!
On the verge of a panic attack, I stuttered, “Um…thank you. What…what are you doing here?”
Fiddling with his watch, Channing looked nervous—very unlike the cool and confident man I knew.
“That’s a great question.” He let out a single laugh as he gazed at the ceiling. “A great fucking question.”
“Are you meeting Emily?”
“No, no, I’m not.”
“What are you doing here, then?”
“Can we sit down somewhere, please?”
What was I supposed to say?
No, Channing, actually, I’m meeting a male prostitute for sex, so there’s no time to sit and chat.
“Um…sure.”
“I’m just gonna go get you a glass of wine,” he said before he swiftly made his way over to the bar.
I grabbed a seat. Stretching my neck, I kept looking around the room in search of black polo man. There was no sign of anyone who met that description. At this point, I was relieved he wasn’t here because I couldn’t imagine having to introduce him to Channing. That would have been totally awkward.
Channing returned to the table and handed me a large glass of white wine. “Here you go.”
“Thanks.”
I was still frantically searching the room when he interrupted me. “Amber, look at me.” His voice sounded even deeper than usual.
The look in his eyes told me something wasn’t right.
“What’s going on? Did something happen?” Paranoia started to set in that maybe he’d heard me talking to Annabelle. Oh, no! “Did you follow me here?”
“No. I came to meet you. I know why you’re here, and I have to explain.”
My heart felt like it dropped to my stomach.
He knows why I’m here?
I swallowed. “Excuse me?”
His face was beet red. I’d never seen Channing’s face turn that color in all the years I’d known him. I’d never seen him like this.
“I know you’re here to see Gentleman Nine.”
My stomach was in knots. Hearing that name come out of his mouth freaked me out.
How could this be?
“What…how did you know about that?”
“I need you to understand that I thought I was doing what was best for you.”
The room felt like it was swaying. “What was best for me? I’m so confused right now.”
“I know you are.”
He paused and just looked at me for what felt like a full minute.
“It’s me, Amber. I’m Gentleman Nine.”
What he said registered the wrong way at first. “You’re a prostitute?”
“Fuck, no. That didn’t come out right. Let me explain.”
My ears were pounding. “You’d better explain.”
Channing downed his drink until it was gone. It was some kind of golden brown-colored liquor.
He took a deep breath in and began to explain. “I came home from my Chicago trip while you were in the shower. I went to use your laptop that was sitting on the coffee table, so I could check Facebook. You left your message to him open, and I read it, even though that was clearly wrong of me. Anyway, I freaked out, Amber. I felt like you were making a mistake and that it was my duty to protect you. So, I sent another message pretending to be you and cancelled your original request.”
He what?
“What? You had no right to do that!”
“I know that now. Believe me, I know I crossed a line.”
It was finally totally sinking in. “You canceled the request. Then, wait...who was I talking to?”
“That was me.”
Oh, my God.
“You pretended to be him?”
“Yes. I created an account so you would think you got a response.”
“Why would you do that?”
“It was a stalling mechanism, but it opened up a huge can of worms that I never anticipated. I swear to God…I never meant to hurt you. Please believe that. I only wanted to keep you safe. I just got myself in way too deep, and it spiraled out of control.”
“You wanted to keep me safe by lying to me, putting me in a position where I was comfortable telling you certain things I never would have admitted to you otherwise?” The realization of exactly what this meant came in waves. I covered my mouth in shock. “Oh, my God—some of the things I said about you to...him…to you! I am so mortified. Channing…seriously?”
Channing looked pained. “I never expected you to say those things about me, to talk about your attraction to me. It really caught me off guard…but not in a bad way, Amber. Fuck…in a good way.”
“I can’t believe this,” I whispered under my breath. I took a long sip of my wine then slammed the glass down on the table a little too hard. Thankfully, it didn’t shatter.
“Please, hear me out.” Channing placed his hand on my forearm. Despite my anger, my body still reacted to his touch. “I regret how I handled it,” he said. “It was an erratic decision based on fear. I really thought I was protecting you and just couldn’t handle the thought of you giving yourself to someone w
ho didn’t give two shits about you besides collecting your money. But I know now that I had no right to make that decision for you. Once I took that first step, though, I couldn’t go back. It was like a domino effect. Fuck, Amber, I’m so sorry.”
Taking a few deep breaths, I tried my best to put this in perspective. Channing wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt me. He just made a really poor judgment call. And he didn’t have to fess up at all. He chose to come clean.
“I suppose you could’ve just never admitted it. That would’ve been a lot easier. I respect the fact that you told me, even if I still don’t really understand how you could do this.”
“I never seriously considered not telling you. It crossed my mind, but in the end, I just couldn’t do it. My goal in emailing you like that was to buy more time in the hopes that maybe you’d change your mind and not want to go through with it.”
“Why did you need to come here tonight to tell me the truth? Why couldn’t you have done it at home? Why put me through this?”
“I felt like I needed to face you here, for some reason. I came to a realization last night when I was with Emily. And this time and place seemed appropriate to admit everything to you.”
“Why?”
He fell silent then said, “There’s more I need to say to you.”
“What more could there possibly be?”
He suddenly got up. “Let me get you another drink. You’re gonna need it.”
Still unable to believe this was happening, I watched Channing as he fumbled with his wallet over at the bar.
He approached holding another white wine for me and more of the same liquor in a shot glass for him.
My instinct was to thank him for the drink, but I stopped myself because technically, at the very least, he owed me alcohol for putting me in this situation.
“What else do you need to say to me?” I asked.
“I never expected you to say the things you did. You told me—him—that you wanted me. I haven’t really been able to get it out of my mind. That’s not something that I can just forget.”
“Yeah, well…try.”