(Lights back up. Smoke still swirls round the stage….)
(Enter George in a Suit of armour that’s a bit too big for her and carrying a sword)
George: (Hesitantly looking around) Dave…..? Dave………….?
(George sees something at the front of the stage. She moves down to it, picks up her staff. She sees something else. She kneels down and picks up the charred, singed remains of Le Moo’s hat)
George: (To herself)…So much for the great and terrible Le Moo….
(Sudden sound from offstage attracts her attention, She draws her sword and sneaks over to the sound. She darts offstage and drags back on…..Spud)
George: You! Spud, what are you doing here?
Winifred: (Appearing as well) We thought you might need a little help.
George: What?
Winifred: I thought we’d make quite a good team. After all, I’ve got the book (Holds up Old Fizzlers) and Spud certainly knows how to handle herself in a crisis.
(Spud nods enthusiastically)
And you did say you’d introduce me to Dave.
George: (Handing Winifred the charred remains of Le Moo’s hat) Dave did that.
Winifred: What?
George: That’s all that’s left of the Great Le Moo
Winifred: Dave?
George: I don’t think it was the Squirrels.
Winifred: Wow…you really do need our help.
George: (After a while, as if making a difficult decision) No.
Winifred: Sorry?
George: You’re both going back to the city….
(Winfred and Spud look puzzled at each other. Spud shakes her head.)
George: Spud…you’re going back to the city and that’s that.
(Suddenly very hard and cold) Winifred, get her and yourself out of here. Now!
Winifred: But we want to help….
George: Don’t you get it? you can’t help! I got into this and I’m going to have to get out of it.
Winifred: Well…..we’re not going, so there!
(She and Spud look at each other and nod determinedly)
George: This isn‘t a game anymore…it‘s going to be dangerous!
(Taking a deep breath) Look……Spud…..or whatever your name is…..you’re an orphan…….you want to know why you’re an orphan…..it’s because nobody wants you…..well, I don’t want you either, so why don’t you just get lost!
(Spud looks open mouthed at George)
You heard! I said get lost!
(Spud stands frozen for a second then turns and runs)
Winifred: Why did you….
George: (Furious) You’re the “Wise Woman” aren’t you? Have a guess!
Winifred: I don’t understand…
George: Look, Winifred. Dave’s out there and he’s already turned One person to ashes. We knew this might happen. Well, it has. And I’ve got to end it. I’m the big hero, remember? When I find Dave, I’m going to have to kill him before he kills me. That’ll be tough enough. I don’t want you and Spud on my conscience as well. Understand now?
Winifred: I suppose so.
George: Right…well just make sure Spud gets back to the city…..please? (Winifred nods) Just go, okay?.
(Winifred turns and leaves.George, left alone, sags and drops her head. She walks over to where Le Moo left her staff. She puts down her sword and picks up the staff. The distant dragon’s roar is heard again. George looks up)
George: (Calling out) Dave? (She tightens her grip on the staff, takes a deep breath and , a ferocious yell at the top of her voice) DAVE!!!
The Scene changes to Bertha’s private apartments. Bertha is sat on her throne with her feet up on Squidley, who is attempting to write in his ledger. A serving woman is feeding her grapes. One of the guards is giving her a manicure. A chest full of money is by the side of the throne.
Bertha: (With a contented sigh) Ah me….I wonder what the poor people are doing this evening? (she dips her hand into the money chest and brings out a handful of coins) Oh, Bertha, Bertha, Bertha, you naughty girl. I can’t imagine why I didn’t think of this years ago. Dragon tax…they’re falling over themselves to give me their money..
(Enter Glenys and Brenda clutching their moneybags)
Speaking of which…..good evening peasants!
Glenys: (Curtseying) Evening Ma’am! We’ve come to ask a favour of your high and mightiness.
Bertha: A favour ?
Brenda: yes ma’am. We was wondering if you’d be so gracious as to allow us to pay double dragon tax…
Glenys: Seeing as how it’s all to get rid of them ‘orrible dragons.
Bertha: That is so sweet of you…..in the chest please!
Brenda: Our pleasure ma’am!
Glenys: Same time next week, Ma’am?
Bertha: Oh don’t bother coming into the castle next time, just push the cash through the letterbox.
(The ladies exit, curtseying)
Squidley: Er…ma’am?
Bertha: Yes, Squidley…
Squidley: May I get up please ma’am? I’ve finished the books!
Bertha: Oh…I was just getting comfy.
(Takes her feet off Squidley’s back)
Well, how are we doing?
Squidley: (Shows her the figures) That’s the latest figure from the Dragon Tax.
Bertha: Excellent! We’re rolling in cash! Squidley….
Squidley: Yes, ma’am?
Bertha: Order me that solid Gold footbath would you - I think I’ve earned it!
(Brad enters. He is in a mood)
Bertha: Oh dear, still in a sulk?
Brad: (Sulking) I am NOT sulking!
(Bertha rises from the Throne and dismisses the servants)
Bertha: Now, look, Brad, darling, That dirty little scruff beat you fair and square. There’s nothing for it except to look sporting and accept it.
Brad: She cheated! She used unprofessional tactics! She hit me when my back was turned! She …….was a she!
Bertha: Yes, all ghastly darling, but don’t worry. Auntie has a plan for you to get your own back.
Brad: Really?
Bertha: Oh yes….You see, that dirty little guttersnipe George is probably the only person who’s got the faintest inkling that this whole Dragon Tax business is a big fat fraud.
Brad: She is?
Bertha: Oh, yes. Well, we can’t have someone like that running around loose, can we?
Brad: But she’s off looking for the dragon….
Bertha: yes, I know. In the big dark scary woods. Where there would be no witnesses if a certain jumped-up little farm girl were to have herself a nasty accident……a nasty terminal accident.
Brad: (Smiling broadly) Way to go, Auntie B! I’m on the case!
Bertha: Just don’t leave any witnesses, Bradley darling.
Brad: (starting to leave) You got it!
Bertha: And Brad….
Brad: Huh?
Bertha: (Stifling a laugh) Watch out for the dragons….
(He gives an evil grin and exits)
Squidley: Ma’am, this is all dangerously unethical, I really must protest! (He puts a protective hand over his nose, Bertha grabs his ear instead).
Bertha: (Dangerously) You really are starting to bore me, Squidley. Don’t think that you’re indispensable. Chancellors can be replaced very, very quickly, you know.
Squidley: (Panicking) But what’s going to happen when the people discover the truth?
Bertha: Weren’t you listening, Squidley? They’re not going to discover
the truth ! My bone head nephew may not be good for much, but when it comes to making inconvenient people disappear, he’s generally very reliable.
Squidley: But there aren’t any dragons!
Bertha: Well, there you have a point…..( calling offstage)….Plank!
Now you know there aren’t any dragons, Squidley, and I know there aren’t any dragons, but the people don’t know there aren’t any dragons, so we’re going to have to convinc
e them that there are!
Squidley: I don’t understand…
Bertha: You soon will…..
(Plank enters. He is wearing a strange contraption of tubes and tanks - not unlike a flamethrower)
Plank: (Clicking to attention) Reporting for special duties ma’am!
Squidley: What?
Bertha: This, Squidley, is Operation Barbeque. All ready, Plank?
Plank: Ma’am! Yes Ma’am!
Bertha: By Tomorrow night, the whole of Bigg City will be in a frenzy of fear.
Squidley: What do you mean?
Plank: Selected zones in the Green Sector will be covertly incinerated with extreme prejudice!
Squidley: What?
Bertha: We’re going to start a few ickle fires.
Squidley: FIRES?
Plank: Affirmative, Sir, Fires.
Squidley: This is wrong! This is so, so, wrong!
Bertha: Oh relax, Squidley. No-one’s going to get hurt (menacingly) if they know what’s good for them and keep their mouths shut….
Plank: (finger in ear) Ma’am?
Bertha: Plank?
Plank: The pixie informs me that we are at the chronologically optimum initiation vector!
Bertha: Huh?
Plank: It’s time to get going.
Bertha: Absolutely. Run along now, Plank. Make Bertha proud of you.
Plank: (Saluting) Ma’am! Yes Ma’am! (He exits)
Squidley: Ma’am, I urge you! Please reconsider this!
Bertha: Still here, Squidley? Don’t you have some papers to shuffle or some pencils to sharpen?
Squidley: I resign!
Bertha: (Suddenly seizing his nose) I’m sorry Squidley, I must have misheard…I thought just for an instant the YOU were making a decision without MY permission. That can’t be right now, can it (Menacingly) ….CAN IT?
Squidley : (Crumbling) …..no.
Bertha: No……what?
Squidley: No….ma’am.
Bertha: (Releasing his nose) You may leave. Chancellor.
(Squidley just stands there)
56.
Bertha: Unless you have anything else to say …and you don’t, do you?
Squidley: No, ma’am (He turns and starts to leave)
Bertha: And close the door on the way out, Squidley. I don’t like the smell of smoke.
(Squidley looks at her for a moment, then leaves)
Bertha: (Sitting on the throne. Sighs) You know, there are times when I wonder if all this wickedness is really worth it….( she runs her hand through the money in the chest) but you know…..it is…..it really really really is……(she lets the coins trickle through her fingers and smiles contentedly to herself)
(Blackout. Change of scene. The Woods)
(Spud is sat hunched up on her own.)
Winifred: (Calling from offstage) Spud? ……… Spud?
(she enters. Looks around. Sees Spud. Crosses to her)
Winifred: There you are! …..I thought we’d lost you….are you okay?
(Spud turns her back on Winifred)
Winifred: What’s the matter? ……Oh……I understand (Sits down next to Spud) You don’t mind, do you?
(Spud doesn’t respond)
Winifred: (Gently)…Look, George didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s probably hard to understand this, but she’s scared. Those idiots in Bigg City want her to be a hero, to sort everything out for them. Well, you and me know that George isn’t a hero…she’s just George, and right now, she’s really scared of whatever it is that’s out there. She doesn’t want us in danger. You understand that, don’t you?
(Spud slowly turns and looks at Winifred. She nods)
Winifred: (Smiling) Good. Now, I need you to help me .There’s something George doesn’t know. I found it out from the book.
It might just help her. If we can find her and tell her.
(Spud shrugs gives a “what is it?” gesture)
Winifred: Oh…right…(opens up the book) Now that’s Dave in stage
one, right? Notice anything about the eyes?
(Spud looks closely at the picture. Shakes her head)
Winifred: Look, do this with your hands (She puts up her hands around her eyes like blinkers) Now look at me (Spud does. Winifred gets up and walks backward) Still looking? (Spud nods) What about now?(She jumps to one side) And….Now?
(Spud shakes her head. Winifred jumps back. Spud nods. She jumps to the other side) Now? (Spud shakes her head. Drops her hands and looks at Winifred in complete confusion)
Winifred: Don’t you see? Dragons can only see in front. They can’t see at the sides! If you stand to one side, you’re as good as invisible to a dragon.
(Spud looks open mouthed)
Winifred: (Pleased with herself) Pretty sneaky, huh? (Spud nods) Now we’ve got to find George….
(Spud looks up suddenly)
Winifred: What is it?
(Without a word, Spud grabs Winifred’s hand and pulls her to one side. They are crouched behind a tree when Brad enters. He pauses centre stage, tapping his sword against his hand. He holds up the sword and briefly admires himself in the reflection on the blade.)
Brad: Lookin’ good, Brad Baby. Lookin’ good!
(Brad exits)
Winifred: What the heck’s he doing here?
(Spud Shrugs.)
Winifred: I don’t like this. Come on, let’s go.
(Spud suddenly hears something else. She pulls Winifred down again. Plank enters complete with flame thrower. He looks cautiously around himself. Sticks his finger in his ear)
Plank: Okay Pixie, which way, right or left? (He listens to the reply)
Left? I concur.
(Plank exits)
Winifred: (Emerging from her hiding place with Spud) It’s suddenly got very busy round here. Now what would those two be doing in the wood. And what’s he doing with that thing? Come on Spud, I think we’re running out of time to help George…..
(Spud and Winifred exit quickly)
(The forest darkens. A faint Red glow. George enters, carrying the sword and staff)
(She stops centre stage and sniffs the air)
George: Something burning…..at least it’s not me…..yet.
(The dragon growl is heard gently again. George backs away to the side of the stage and backs down by a tree stump
Big Dave enters.
NOTE: Big Dave is played by a group of dancers. The lead one of whom carries Dave’s head. Dave enters cautiously. He is much bigger, scarier and more of a predator. He moves round the space, marking out his territory.
George crouches terrified behind the tree. Dave seems to be about to leave when, suddenly, he pauses and turns, sensing George’s presence. He faces the place where George is hiding and moves cautiously towards it.
He is almost on top of the hidden and terrified George, who is trying to make herself as small as possible.Winfred and Spud appear in the corner of the stage behind Dave. They pause
horrified. Winifred motions to Spud, who nods. They move up
cautiously behind Dave on either side. The next series of actions all happen in a very quick and choreographed sequence:
A) Spud stamps on Dave’s foot
B) Winifred stamps on the other foot
C) Dave whirls round in pain and anger.
D) Winifred ducks and avoids Dave’s tail.
E) Spud does a swift “roll” under Dave’s belly
F) Dave, facing away from George, threshes around in fury.
G) Winifred and Spud grab George and pull her out of her hiding place
H) Dave freezes. Winifred, Spud and George freeze with him.
I) Dave turns his whole body cautiously, Spud, George and Winifred try to keep behind his tail in his ‘blind spot’.
J) Dave freezes again, just his head turns round to look over his downstage shoulder.
K) Spud creeps down Dave’s upstage side on her hands and knees. Once she is level with Dave’s upstage shoulder, she
reaches up and gently taps it.
L) Dave’s head swivels round to look over his upstage shoulder
Spud rolls underneath to end up on the downstage side.
M) Winifred and George sneak along the downstage side, join up with Spud and quickly run off.
Dave, sensing that he’s been tricked, whirls quickly round and threshes furiously around the space, stamping and snarling. Gradually, he calms down and slinks menacingly off the opposite side to George and co.
Lights fade to a spot on Lester
Lester: Don’t dance with a dragon,
‘Cos dragons don’t play fair
One false step, the flames go woosh
And you’re no longer there
Don’t disrespect a dragon
Don’t be clever, crass or rude
‘Cos if you do, it won’t be long
Before you’re barbecued
So just avoid that dragon
And his wicked sense of fun
If you don’t, you’ve got two choices
Medium or Well Done.
So Never
Never
Absolutely ever
Dance
With
A Dragon
(George, Spud and Winifred run on, exhausted. They flop down)
Winifred: (Getting her breath back. Between gulps) Would you …..still like us to… leave you to….get on with this on your own?
George: Well…in the circumstances……probably not.
Winifred: oh…….(not convinced) Great.
George: Some hero, I am. I can’t go five minutes without someone having to rescue me.
Winifred: Don’t let it worry you. Even heroes need friends, George. (She gives a sharp head nudge towards Spud - “talk to her”).
George: Oh….yeah…(George gets awkwardly up and walks over to Spud. Embarassedly) Hi Spud….how’s it going?
(Spud looks up but doesn’t respond)
George: Erm….look. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to speak to me again.
(Spud gives her a “Are you trying to be funny?” look)
George: …..er, not that you do, but even if you did, I wouldn’t expect that you would to me, even if you could. Which you can’t.
(Spud shakes her head disgustedly and turns away from George)
George: Look, you know why I said what I did. If you can understand, that’s great, if you can’t, I’m really sorry…..I’ve never had that many friends. In fact, the only two real friends I’ve got are both here. The ones who just saved me from becoming toast. So how about it? Are
we friends again?
(George holds out her hand. Spud looks at it long and hard. Then, without warning, she stamps on George’s foot).
George: (Hopping in pain) Aaah!
(Spud’s face breaks into a smile)
George: Ohh…I get it. We’re even now?
(Spud nods. Then hugs George tightly)
Winifred: Told you we were a good team, didn’t I?
George: All right, don’t rub it in.
Winifred: What now, then?
George: Beats me. You got any more bright ideas, wise woman?
Winifred: (taking out the book) We could always ask Old Fizzler. He’s never steered us wrong, yet.
George: Sounds good to me….but let’s keep walking……I want to put as much distance between me and Dave as possible….(turns and points offstage) that way looks pretty safe.
(George starts offstage, Spud and Winifred following. She hasn’t gone more than a few steps offstage when she is walked backwards onto stage by Sir Brad, who has grabbed her by the scruff of her shirt)
Brad: (Smiling ) Long time, no see, Georgie girl! (He pushes her violently back onstage. George collides with Spud and Winifred. They edge back away from him) Now, just what are you ladies doing wandering around the woods on your own? Don’t you know that’s dangerous?
George: We’re fine, honestly! In fact, we were just leaving.
Brad: Oh no…..
George & Winifred: No?
Brad: (With growing menace) No. I wouldn’t dream of leaving you ladies. In fact, I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I didn’t take special care of the three of you.
George: Let them go, Brad, this is just between you and me…
Brad: And break up the party? No way….besides, I want to discuss that championship fight with you. How’s about a little re-match?
And this time, we fight Brad’s way, according to Brad’s rules.
George: And what are Brad’s rules?
Brad: Brad Wins.
(Spud darts towards Brad and tries her footstamping move, Brad is too quick and kicks her flying into a corner. Winifred rushes towards him, the book held high, ready to clobber him)
Winifred: Leave her alone, you big thug!
(Winfred tries to hit him, he dodges it easily and pushes her over. Brad raises his sword and moves menacingly towards George)
Brad: Just you and me, now, Georgie…..
(With a sudden movement he punches George in the stomach with the hilt of the sword. George doubles up and collapses.
She scrambles desperately over towards Spud and Winifred)
Brad: No fancy moves this time, huh? You’re out of training, Georgie.
Still, there’s no shame in being beaten by the best. And I AM the Best!! You’re going to remember that, Georgie!
(As Brad stands surveying his three victims. Slowly, Stealthily, Dave appears behind Brad. Inching carefully towards him a step at a time. George and Co freeze, watching in amazement
as the dragon moves in. Brad is blissfully unaware and continues to taunt them)
Brad: So who’s the best? Let Me hear it! Who?
George: (Innocently) You are, Brad!
Winifred: Absolutely, definitely the best!!
George: Er….Brad?
Brad: What?
George: Question.
Brad: (Suspiciously) What question?
George: What’s Seven feet tall, fifteen feet long and bright red?
Brad: Huh?
George: Well, here’s a clue ……turn round and have a look.
Brad: (In contempt) Sure….oh come on…..you can do better than that.
(The dragon is now literally breathing down the back of Brad’s neck)
Winifred: (Conversationally) Actually, George, I think it’s probably more like nine feet tall.
George: You think?
Winifred: Definitely….eight and a half minimum.
Brad: (Annoyed) Cut it out! I am not going to turn…..
(Brad suddenly senses the Dragon’s hot breath on his neck. He puts his hand on his neck. He slowly turns round to find himself at chest height with Dave. He looks up….. and up…….and up into Dave’s face)
George: Told you…..
Brad: (In shock) Wha?…How? ….it’s a………..but there …… can‘t…….. not…….no ………..dra…….
(He keels over in a dead faint. Dave looks down at Brad, then looks up at George and co and seems to give a disgusted little “what a wimp” shake of the head)
(Spud and Winifred are starting to sidle sideways out of Dave’s line of sight)
Winifred: (Whispering) George….come on…….get out of the way….What are you doing?
George: (Standing motionless) No.
Winifred : Have you gone crazy ? Get over here…
George: No. (Looking up at Dave) Dave…….?
(Dave looks down at her motionlessly.)
George: Dave…..it’s me…….George. I know you’ve changed …..but you must remember me…..George? It was me who called you Dave….remember? You liked it………at least I thought you did.
(Dave’s head leans down closer to George)
George: You’re not going to hurt me, are you, Dave? I thought we were friends……..we are friends, aren’t we?
(Dave cocks his head to one side - a bit like Little Dave used to do)
George: You do remember??
?…I can tell.
(Hesitantly, Spud steps away from Winifred towards George)
Winifred: What? Spud! What are you doing? Get back here!……..
(Spud stands next to George)
George: This is Spud. You must remember Spud. We met her in the woods.
(Spud nods)
Winifred: They’ve gone mad…..everyone’s gone completely mad…..
George: Winifred……come over here…..show yourself…..
Winifred: No way!
(George gives a jerk of her head..”get over here”….Winifred, with great reluctance walks over to join them)
Winifred: (Standing next to George) Er……Hi! The names Winifred….I’m really…..really…..pleased to meet you……er…Dave.
George: (To Winifred) Well, I did say I’d introduce you, didn’t I? What d’you think?
Winifred: (smiling in spite of herself) He’s great…….a stage two red flameback……just like old Fizzler’s book said……just like the one Auntie Grizelda saw…….er, please ask him not to kill us……
George: You won’t hurt us, will you, Dave?
(Dave slowly dips his head down towards George. George reaches up and pats him gently on the snout. Spud reaches up and does the same, so, hesitantly, does Winifred.
Suddenly, Dave’s head jerks upward. He takes a few slow steps backwards, looking around him and sniffing.)
Winifred: What’s wrong?
George: I don’t know…I think he can smell something….or sense it…
(The lights are slowly changing to an angry red. Wisps of smoke are starting to drift onto the stage. Dave is backing away from them, confused and increasingly angry, his head waving from side to side)
Winifred: It’s a fire, the forest’s on fire!
George: That’s not Dave! Someone else is starting fires!
Winifred and George: (Suddenly look at each other ) BERTHA!
(Dave is moving offstage ….starting to leave)
George: Dave! Come back! They want to kill you! Dave!
(But Dave has gone)
Winifred: What do we do now?
George: We get back to the city….we’ve got to stop that evil old bat Bertha before she destroys the woods! She’s going to have them all thiking that this is Dave’s fault!
Winifred: You’re right! Let’s go!
(They start to leave)
(Spud makes a sudden stamping noise. They stop and look at her. She points down at the still-unconscious Brad)
George: You’re right! Smart thinking, Spud!
Winifred: What?
George: We need to take him with us!
(Spud gives Brad a prod with sword which she has picked up.
Brad gives a “yow!” and sudden start. He begins to come around)
George: We need some rope…quick! (Winifred roots through her shoulder bag, she come up with a coloured scarf)
Winifred: This do?
George: It’ll have to ….quick, help me tie his hands.
(They do. When they’re finished they step back. Spud is still holding the sword)
Brad: (Starting to regain consciousness) Wha?……What happened?….Where was the….What happened to the…….
Winifred: You mean the Dragon?
Brad: (still groggy)Yeah….that was it……the dragon ( Sudden awful
memory) THE DRAGON! …..(going into full chicken mode) got to get away from here…..got to get out of the woods……got to get away from the dragon….got to…..OWWWW!!
(Spud has given him a sharp jab in the backside with the sword)
George: (Sweetly) It’s okay Brad…..nasty dragon all gone.
Winifred: Nothing to be scared of….
Brad: (Pathetically trying to recover his cool) Scared? I wasn’t scared! Ow! (another jab from a smiling Spud- who is beginning to enjoy this)
George: Of course you weren’t (George sniffs Brad suspiciously) Winifred? Can you smell something?
Winifred: (Sniffs) Oh dear…..(to Brad) I think someone needs to change his armour, doesn’t he?
Brad: Okay….what are you going to do?
George: You’re coming back to Bigg city with us. You’re going to tell everyone that your beloved auntie Bertha is a lying, thieving old ratbag and that she’s trying to frame Dave for the forest fires!
Brad: No…Way!…OWWW!
(Spud administers another sharp Jab - a big one)
George: Is that your final answer?
Brad: (Miserably) Okay….just get me out of here!
George: Right! It’s getting a bit warm round here anyway. (to Brad) Come on then…..mister stinky!
(With a final sharp jab from Spud they are off .As they leave, Plank, in Another part of the Forest, is caught in angry red light of his own, wielding his flamethrower)
Plank: (his face smeared with soot and ash - going slightly crazy with destruction) Yeeeeeeeehah! Burn baby, burn! Plank to Pixie - how’m I doing? Pixie to Plank, you are one beautiful doomsday machine!! Watch those suckers burn…. yeeeeeehah! Pixie to Plank - mission status report? Plank to Pixie - by tomorrow, the whole dang forest‘s gonna be one humungous ash tray! Over and out!
(Chuckling insanely to himself, Plank exits with flamethrower smoking. Having just seen this from behind a tree, George, Winifred, Spud and a reluctant Brad enter cautiously)
George: (Looking off after Plank) This is starting to make sense….
Winifred: (to Brad) So you and your auntie were going to destroy the whole forest…..
Brad: (like a bad Scooby Doo villain) Yes….and we’d have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids….
George: Too bad. Let’s keep going. Bigg City’s just round the next bend…
(As they move off, there is wail from offstage and the figure of Gertrude suddenly appears, face streaked and dirty with ashes and soot. She is in tears)
Gertrude: Me pigs! Me poor little curly tailed darlings! All gone! What’s going to happen to Gertrude?!!!
(They rush over to her)
George: Gertrude! What’s happened?
Gertrude: (Between sobs) Is that you, George? We all thought you was going to fight the dragon….
George: I was…..what happened?
Gertrude: I was trying to escape from Bigg City with me pigs…we got caught in the forest fire…. there was no escape…..
George: What happened to your pigs?
Gertrude: (Sobbing) It was horrible…..there ain’t nothin’ left but three hundred rashers of extra crispy bacon (she collapses into tears) me pigs….. all gone to the big compost heap in the sky…..me poor little porkers who never did nobody any harm!!!!
Winifred: (To Brad) I hope you’re proud of yourself!
Brad: (Uncomfortably) What can I say? Stuff happens…OWWW!
(Spud jabs him again)
George: Come on Gertrude….you’ve got to come back to the city with us…
Gertrude: What….what about the dragon?
George: There isn’t any….well there is….but it’s…..it’d take too long to explain…..let’s go
Gertrude: (miserably) What’s the point?
George: You’ve got to come with us, Gertrude…..you ‘ve got to help us stop all of this……if you won’t do it for me, you’ve got to do it…..for the pigs!
(Gertrude stops sobbing, looks at George. A steely determination has come into her eyes)
Gertrude: You’re right, George (She stands up. Schwarzenegger was never scarier)….whoever it was who burnt me pigs….dragon or human….they just went too far…….because for this old pig farmer…..now……it’s….personal!
George: You said it, Gertrude! Let’s go!
(Gertrude, Winifred and George exit. Spud prepares to jab Brad again)
Brad: Look, you don’t have to keep jabbing me with that thing…you want me to walk, I’ll walk……look, I’m walking (he walks a few steps) we’re both civilised human beings…..we can get along without
all this brutality….can’t
we?
(Spud appears to consider this for a few seconds. Then she jabs him again)
Brad: Ow! ……I hate you…..I want you to know that.
(They exit. A few seconds then we hear a distant “OW!” from Brad)
Scene Change: We are now back in Bigg City again. In front of the Castle. Crowds are running around in panic, smoke and angry red lighting. In the middle of the Stage, Squidley’s desk and a large sign saying DON’T FORGET TO PAY YOUR DRAGON TAX. Squidley is sat behind it as in Act 1)
Squidley: (To a passing peasant fleeing with a bundle) Er……dragon tax? Pay your Dragon Tax?………(The peasant runs right past him. Another one runs on from the opposite side) Dragon tax? Don’t forget to pay your dragon tax! (They ignore him and run off in terror. A third peasant runs on) Dragon Tax! Dragon Tax due today! (Peasant doesn’t even stop but runs straight past him)
(The two guards enter. Both giggling like naughty school kids)
Guard 1: (to the other guard) Go on, bet you daren’t!
Guard 2: How much?
Guard 1: Bet you a farthing. Go on….
Guard 2: You’re on….
(They both sidle towards Squidley. Still giggling)
Guard 2: Er…..Mr Squidley sir?
Squidley: What?
Guard 2: (Nearly cracking up with laughter) I’m ready to pay my tax now, sir.
Squidley: (relief) Well, Thank goodness for that! At least someone’s prepared to pay their taxes…..(The guard has slipped on a tatty blond wig)……what’s that?
Guard 1: (Cracking up with laughter) It’s what he’s got to pay tax on!
Squidley: What? Dragon Tax?
Guard 2: (Mock surprise) What? Dragon Tax ? I must have made a mistake, sir…..’cause I thought it was a…….
BOTH GUARDS: TAX ON DRAG! ( They collapse in hysterical laughter)
(Squidley simmers and then suddenly, unexpectedly explodes)
Squidley: OH FOR PITY’S SAKE! ISN’T ANYONE IN THIS ENTIRE CITY GOING TO PAY THEIR ROTTEN ROTTEN ROTTEN TAXES!!!!!
(Everyone on stage freezes. The guards back slowly away. Squidley slumps back in his chair. Peasants tiptoe gently round his desk)
(Bertha enters)
Bertha: (Panicking slightly) Squidley, what’s happening?
Squidley: (Furious but just about controlling it) Oh nothing really, ma’am, just the entire economy of Bigg city breaking down!
Bertha: What?
Squidley: Everyone’s leaving!
Bertha: What! Where are they going?
Squidley: I don’t know….THEY don’t know! They just want to get OUT!
Bertha: I don’t understand…..
Squidley: I’m afraid your plan worked just a little bit too well, Ma’am. You wanted to scare the people into paying the tax….well, you managed the first bit…..they’re scared all right…..they’re terrified…..they’re so scared they just want to get away from Bigg City, Dragons, Dragon Tax and, If may say so, Ma’am….
Bertha: What?
Squidley: You, ma’am, they want to get away from you!
Bertha: You’re lying Squidley! How dare you!
(Harold the Herald enters.)
Harold: Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Forest fire crisis Special!
City gates clogged with panicking peasants!
Forest going up in flames on all sides!
Still no sign of that Elusive Dragon!
Opinon polls show Baroness Bertha to be the
most unpopular ruler of Bigg City since Baron Adolph the Obnoxious!
Squidley: See what I mean?
Bertha: (Starting to panic and hyperventilate) Can’t be happening……. Not to me…… not to Bertha…. got to keep in control……. mustn’t panic…… mustn’t panic…..
Squidley: (concerned, in spite of himself) …. Er… are you all right, Ma’am?
Bertha: (Hysterical) OF COURSE I’M ALL RIGHT YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE TOAD!……(Calming down but with a mad glint in her eye)…Got to get out of this…. Got to have a plan….. got to make them all love me again…. Got to find a…… got to find a……
Squidley: A what?
Bertha: (A broad smile breaking out across her face….) A….scapegoat.
Squidley: Sorry?
Bertha: A scapegoat….a patsy… a fall guy ….a stooge…. Someone to take the blame (she looks meaningfully at Squidley)… Squidley…. In recognition of all of your years of loyal service, I hereby promote you to Scapegoat – in – Chief, promotion effective immediately!
Squidley: I’m extremely honoured, ma’am, but may I make one brief observation?
Bertha: Yes…?
Squidley: NO!
Bertha: (Bitterly) I can remember when people in this town knew how to grovel………..
(There is a commotion off stage. Enter George, Spud, Brad, Winfred and Gertrude, followed by a crowd of scared and excited townspeople)
Bertha: (Seeing George) You!
George: That’s right, Bertha! Surprised to see me still alive?
Bertha: Er….no……yes……possibly……Never mind all that, what about the dragon?
George: The only dragon out there is the one that you lot created!
(A puzzled huh? From the crowd)
George: When you started believing all the lies that she (points at Bertha ) started telling you…..just to get her hands on your cash.
(The crowd are muttering amongst themselves)
Bertha: (worried) How dare you….you appalling little peasant! Do you have even a scrap of proof to back up these wild accusations?
George: Don’t you worry, Bertha…we’ve got proof!
Bertha: Such as?
George: Well…..How about that maniac wandering around the woods with a flamethrower?
Bertha: (Shrugs) Nothing to do with me…IF he really exists.
Winifred: But we saw him! (Indicates herself and Spud)
Bertha: Ah…..of course……..a hippy weirdo dragon hugger and a hoody wearing juvenile delinquent……nice witnesses.
George: well……you sent him to kill me! (Indicates Brad) Go on….tell them….
(By way of encouragement, Spud gives Brad another
sharp jab )
Brad: Yow!
Bertha: Well……Bradley?
Brad: I…….er……..er…….. I was just about to kill the dragon, when they jumped me from behind!
George and Winifred: WHAT?
Bertha: I see……the whole sordid picture is starting to fall into place…. You were working with dragon all the time!
(A shocked gasp from the crowd)
Harold: (Stepping forward) Shocking revelations in the Dragongate scandal!
Bertha: You were protecting him! Helping him!
Harold: Are there traitors amongst us?
Bertha: We thought you were our hero……
Harold: George! Hero or Zero?
Bertha: And all the time you were a………Firestarter!
Crowd: No!
Bertha: Yes! A twisted Firestarter!!!
(The crowd has now turned ugly towards George, Spud and Winifred. They closing round them)
George: She’s doing it again! Can’t you see? She’s whipping you up. This is how it all started in the first place!
(The crowd is shouting her down, calling out “Dragon lover!”, “Traitor”, “Firestarter” and “Kill the dragons!”)
Winifred: (Suddenly shouting) WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!
(The crowd, shocked, is silent)
Winifred: (Furiously angry) You fools! You silly, ignorant fools!
When you shout and scream like that, you just make it worse!
Dragons live on fear and ignorance, it makes them huge, bloated and angry! You all made Dave into a killer and If you keep on acting like this, that dragon is going to be attracted here, to you. Do you want that? Well, do you?
(The crowd is silent and uncomfortable)
Bertha: You seem to know a lot about dragons…..
r /> Winifred: (Taking out Old Fizzlers Almanac) This is all the knowledge anyone needs.
Bertha: (Holding out her hand) May I ?
(Hesitantly, Winifred hands Bertha the book. She looks through a few pages then slowly and deliberately begins to tear them out)
Winifred: (Horrified) Stop it!
George: What are you doing!
(Winifred makes a dash towards Bertha but the crowd and the guards hold her back)
Bertha: (Ripping out a last handful of pages and dropping the book to the ground) There… that’s what I think of anyone who stands up for dragons. Guards! Take these three away.
(The guards seize George, Winifred and a struggling Spud)
George: What are you going to do with us?
Bertha: Oh, don’t worry, you’ll have a quick trial. And a very slow execution. Burning at the stake I think…..beheading is so last year!
Take them away!
(They are dragged out. The crowd turns to Bertha.)
Brenda: (Scared and hesitant) Er ….ma’am…what about the dragon?
Glenys: Is it coming here…..like she said?
Bertha: (In a strange distant voice) Who knows? Who knows anything anymore? Dragons exist……dragons don’t exist….it’s all so confusing…..
Brad: (Quietly) Hey, stop joking, Auntie! They do exist…. I saw one!
And it was big!
Bertha: (She is starting to crack up. Patting him on the cheek) Silly boy… I told you…..there’s no such things as dragons …….I made it up…….wasn’t that clever of me?
Squidley: (Gently putting a hand on her shoulder) Ma’am…are you all right?
Bertha: (Going gently insane) Of course I’m all right! I’m Bertha! Everybody loves Bertha! Squidley?….what are you doing here? Go inside and keep counting the money. That’s what it all about isn’t it?
Squidley: (Humouring her) Yes ma’am…..the money…..what are we going to do about the dragon?
Bertha: Oh yes……the dragon. (pulls herself together) Lock all the gates to the city! So nobody can get out and…..more importantly…. HE can’t get in! And if he does….we’ll all go up in flames together!!!
(Bertha starts to laugh. It gets louder and crazier….laughing wildly…..she wanders off, still laughing, the crowd are silent and terrified. Squidley walks over to the pile of pages from old Fizzler. After a pause he starts to quickly gather them together)
(Change of Scene: A Dungeon in the Castle. George, Winifred and Spud are chained to the wall. Spud is standing on a box. All three are very dejected)
Winifred: (After a while. Singing rather weakly) We shall not…we shall not be moved…..we shall not……we shall not be moved…..just like a tree, standing by the…..
(She becomes aware that George and Spud are glaring at her and shuts up)
Winifred: Sorry…..just trying to lift the mood..
George: I think it’ll take more than a song to do that, Winifred. It looks like this is the end of the road…..
Winifred: It’s just a matter of who gets us first……Dave or Bertha and those idiots out there.
George: I’m not even comfortable…..
Winifred: Oh, crikey……
George: What?
Winifred: Itchy nose……
George: Sorry, Win, I can’t help you……
Winifred: Ohhhh crikey….……it’s really itching…
(Spud, who is next to Winifred, slips her wrist out of the manacle and leans over to scratch Winifred’s nose)
Winifred: Oh wow! What a relief! Thanks Spud!
(Spud slips her wrist back into the manacle – which is too big for her- as if nothing had happened. A beat. Winifred and George slowly turn to look at Spud)
George: (To Spud) Did you just do what I thought you did?
(Spud looks at them both with a “what’s the big deal”? expression. Then slips out of the manacles and steps off the box)
George: I think I might just have a plan…
Winifred: A cunning plan?
George: Of course…
Winifred: Oh good…they’re my favourite kind.
George: We make a row. Spud hides behind the door . When the guards come to see what the noise is, Spud clobbers them, we grab the keys and escape.
Winifred: That’s my favourite plan so far….
George: It’s our only plan!
Winifred: It’s a very short list..
George: Now all we need is something to clobber the guards with….
Spud: We could use that big jug over there……
George: Nice one spud, now all we have to do is make a loud enough row and wait for the…..
(Again..George and Winifred slowly turn to look at Spud)
Spud: What have I done now?
Winifred: You……
George: Yes, you…..
Spud: What?
George: You spoke…
Spud: So?
Winifred: We thought you didn’t….
Spud: I don’t….
George: We thought you couldn’t….
Spud: I can. I just don’t….except in emergencies. This IS an emergency isn’t it?
Winifred: Oh definitely……very, very definitely.
Spud: Well there you go then! You start making a row and I’ll stand here and wait for the guards….
(Spud stands with the jug raised next to the door. Winifred and George are still too stunned to say anything)
Spud: Problem?
(Winifred and George immediately begin shouting and screaming. “Help!” “Fire!” “open the Door!” etc)
80.
Spud: (Bracing herself) Someone’s coming……
(The cell door opens, Spud raises the jug and….in comes Squidley..he jumps when sees Spud about to clobber him)
George and Winifred: Squidley!
Squidley: Stop! You don’t understand! I want to help you!
Winifred: You want to help us?
(Squidley nods frantically)
George: Right! You can start by releasing us!
(Squidley takes out a key – Spud snatches it and starts unlocking George and Winifred’s manacles)
Squidley: (As this is happening) It’s all gone terribly wrong! Bertha’s losing her mind, she’s going insane!
George: How’s anyone going to tell the difference? As far as I can tell, everyone in this city needs their head examining!
Squidley: She’s going to destroy the city….You’re the only ones who can stop it!
George: And how are we supposed to do that?
Winifred: She tore up Old Fizzler! That was our last hope!
(Squidley holds out the torn remains of Old Fizzler’s Almanac)
Squidley: I saved as much as I could…..
George: What d’you think, Winifred?
Winifred: (taking the pages) I dunno…..(Searching through the pages)……if I can just find the right page…..
Squidley: Quickly, please! Before it’s too late!
(There is a sudden almighty roar from offstage accompanied by the screaming of the townspeople)
Winifred/George/Spud: (Together) Too late!
(They all run out of the cell. Blackout)
Enter Lester. Spotlight.
LESTER: The Dragon has landed!
He came to town today!
He landed on the castle
He isn’t here to play!
The Dragon came quickly
With one beat of his wings
He tumbled down the city walls
Like little toytown things
The Dragon was massive
With wings the size of sails
You’d walk for twenty minutes
From snout to tip of tail
The Dragon has landed
He’s coiled around the tower
Our city is his city now
And we are in his power….
(As the lights go up we are outside the castle. The people are cowering behind a makeshi
ft wall of baskets, crates and boxes.
George, Spud, Squidley and Winfred sneak on to behind them.)
George: What’s happened?
Brenda: It’s here! The dragon! It just landed on top of the castle!
George:I can’t see anything!
Glenys: It’s quiet now, but you can tell it’s out there just waiting to devour us all…..
Brenda: I ask you, is this what we pay our taxes for?
(The Dragon gives a low growl in the darkness)
(The people react with scared moans)
George: (Starting to get scared herself) You found that page yet, Winifred?
Winifred: (Leafing frantically through the pages) Nooo…..
(finds a page and looks at it intently)
George: Is that it?
Winifred: (looking at the page) no…..but apparently marsh dragons can survive under mud for two hundred years at a time……fancy that..
George: (Impatiently) Winifred!
Winifred: Sorry! Sorry…..(goes back to leafing through the pages)
(George edges along the barrier and bumps into a figure in the darkness)
George: Sorry, mate (he turns – it’s Brad, hunched up next to a few bedraggled Bradettes) What are you doing here?
Brad: (Quaking with fright) What does it look like I’m doing? I’m cowering in terror. You think if I just lie here cowering, not getting in the way, the dragon might ignore me and let me….go home?
George: I don’t know but it’s worth a…(She sniffs Brad)….I thought you were going to change your armour.
Brad: (Ashamedly) I did…….it’s just that when the dragon landed…
I……you know……again.
George: I see…..good luck with the cowering…
Brad: Thanks.
(George edges further along the barrier. Gertrude is hunched up. Rocking backwards and forwards in terror)
George: Hi Gertrude. You Ok?
Gertrude: (To herself) Gotta do it for the pigs…..gotta do it for the
pigs…..gotta do it for the pigs…..
George: I’ll take that as a yes…
Winifred: (Calling out) Found it!
(The rest of them “Shush” her angrily)
(George creeps back over to her)
George: What’s it Say?
Winifred: (Reading to herself) No…. that can’t be right…..
George: What can’t?
Winifred: Well, according to Old Fizzler, the only way to defeat a stage 3 dragon is by…..(She points at something in the book)…..by doing that!
George: Hang on! We don’t know for certain that George is a Stage 3
(There is an almighty, terrifying volcanic, roar a swirl of smoke and the head of Dave, now massive, appears over the battlements - See PRODUCTION NOTES. Everybody cowers and moans in terror)
George and Winifred: (Together) STAGE 3!
George: Quick, Win! What have we got to do?
Winifred: (Pointing to the book again) That!
George: (Quickly reading) …..That’s it? You’re telling me if I do that, it’ll get rid of (points towards Dave) that?
Winifred: That’s what it says……
George: Well, anything’s worth a try!
Spud: Hang on a minute! Look at that!
(They all turn to see, Bertha, crown tipped on one side, make up, dress and hair bedraggled, weaving her way through the
audience, carrying a bucket. She has finally completely flipped under the strain.)
Bertha: (Shaking the bucket at the audience) Dragon Tax! Dragon Tax! Don’t forget your lovely Dragon Tax! Help to get rid of the naughty dragons!
George: Bertha! Get down! The Dragon’ll see you!
Bertha: (Weaving her way unsteadily towards George and the others) Oh, it’s you…..the peasant! Well I want you to know that I’ve forgiven you for the pig poo incident, but you still owe me tax of one million, four hundred and sixty three thousand pence. I’ll take a cheque.
(Spud leaps on top of Bertha and pulls her down)
Bertha: Help! Help! I’m being assaulted! Guard! Guard!
George: Calm down! He’s not here!
Bertha: (Giggling) Don’t be so sure……
(With a wild “yeeeehah!” Plank, face smeared with soot and dirt, wielding his flamethrower, struts through the audience! He‘s pretty much gone crazy, too)
Plank: It’s barbecue time! Let’s go kick some scaly dragon butt!
George: What is happening to people?
Bertha: He’s got a pixie in his ear, you know…
George: Get down, you fool! You can’t fight it!
Plank: You want a piece of me, Sweetheart? (Slips his goggles over his eyes) Okay, let’s do this!
George: Don’t do it!
Plank: Plank to pixie- we’re going in! Yeeeeeeeeehah!
(He charges towards Dave, the lights dim. Another mighty roar and a swirl of smoke. Everyone cowers and averts their eyes
from the spectacle - which we can’t see - of Plank’s incineration)
(The lights fade back up. George looks timidly out over the barricade.)
George: What…..happened?
(Spud darts quickly round the side of the barricade and returns a few seconds later with a melted, smoking pair of goggles)
George: Is that all that’s left?
Spud: I think there was a boot as well.
Winifred: It’ll be us next……are we going to do this?
George: Doesn’t look like we’ve got much choice!
(George quickly creeps to the middle of the barricade and turns to address the whole terrified crowd of townspeople)
George: Right, you lot, listen to me…there’s only one way to defeat that dragon. It’s up to us. All of us. But it won’t happen unless we all work together. Are you with me?
(There are a few timid nods)
George: (Takes a deep breath and screws up her courage) Okay then, this is it! (George stands up and calmly walks out in front of the barricade until she is facing Dave. The rest of the crowd are struck dumb ). Okay, Dave, sorry to have to do this……..(She suddenly turns her back on Dave and clamps a hand over her eyes) You don’t exist!
(There’s a moment of silence as the rest of them wonder just what the heck she’s doing. George opens a crack between her fingers and looks at them.)
George: Er……little help here?
Winfred: (Standing up as well) Don’t you see - it only works if we all do it! (Winifred walks over next to George and copies her every move)
You don’t exist! (Turns her back on Dave)
(Spud runs over and does the same)
Spud: You don’t exist! (Turns her back)
86
Gertrude:(Stands up with fierce determination) This one’s for the pigs! (She joins George and the others) You don’t exist! (Turns her back)
Brad: (Getting up) That’s it? That’s all I have to do? (Leaps heroically over the barricade, adopts a heroic pose) You don’t exist! (Quickly turns his back)
Harold: (Getting up and going over) In this reporter’s unbiased opinion…..you don’t exist!! (Turns his back)
(One by one, the whole crowd, the market ladies, Lester, the Guards, the bradettes all walk out from behind the barricade and do the same. Finally, just Bertha is left, in her own little world, oblivious to what’s going on.)
George: Bertha!
Bertha: Mmmmm?
George: Come on, you have to do this! It won’t work unless we all do it!
Bertha: (Like a sulky schoolkid) Ohhhh…all right. (Gets and skips over towards Dave) You’re a very naughty dragon and I hope you’re thoroughly ashamed of yourself! (Sticks her tongue out at Dave)
George: Just tell him he doesn’t exist!
Bertha: Oh….and you don’t exist!
George: Now keep saying it!
(Slowly and hesitantly at first, but building up in energy and volume, the crowd begin to chant “you don’t exist - you don’t exist - you don’t exist
”. The Bradettes even manage to turn theirs into a little cheerleading routine complete with pompoms. As they do, smoke starts to swirl round Dave, the lights turn red and angry and a low, ominous roaring is heard. As the roaring and the smoke build. George turns to the crowd)
George: Now run for it!
(The crowd quickly scramble back over the barricade. Only
Bertha is left doing a weird little dance to her chant.)
George: Bertha! Come on!
(She doesn’t hear, George and Spud grab her and hustle her roughly back to the barricade. Everbody is cowering, terrified. The roar subsides. George pokes her head timidly over the barricade)
George: Er ……hello? Dave?
(There is the sound of an almighty explosion. Everyone is hurled flat to the ground. Blackout)
(In the darkness, the noise of the explosion gradually subsides.The lights slowly come up to a spot on George, who is alone on stage lying unconscious on the ground )
(Bathed in an unearthly light, Mum wanders on)
Mum: George? George? Can you hear me, love?
George: (Coming round) Mum? Is that you?
Mum: Yes love. How are you?
George: (Confused) Well….since you’re here I thought I might be…
Mum: Dead? Oh no….don’t worry about that, love…I’m just visiting. They’re very nice like that over here….on the …other…side.
George: I’m glad to hear it (tries to get up) oooooh. That hurts!
Mum: Just lie still, George. It’s probably best.
George: All right (Lies back down) …..I let you down mum. I lost the rent.
Mum: No you didn’t…..you were robbed. And there’s someone on this side who’s got a message for you…(suddenly very stern) Oi! You! Get over here….
(Le Moo sidles sheepishly into view)
Mum: (Very hard) I think you’ve got something to say to my George…haven’t you?
Le Moo: (reluctantly, like a naughty schoolkid) I’m…sorry.
Mum: A little bit louder please….
Le Moo: I am very, very sorry that I stole your money……and your stick.
George: That’s okay….I don’t think it did you much good, did it?
Le Moo: You’re telling me!
Mum: We’ve had a very serious conversation, this young man and me and I think I can safely say that he won’t be doing it again!
Le Moo: Well…obviously….I am …how you say….kaput!
(Plank wanders into view)
Plank: Plank to Pixie……plank to pixie…..anyone out there?
Mum: Oh dear, looks like a new arrival…..
Plank: It’s all……kinda fluffy…….yeah…….fluffy……
Mum: Sorry, George, love, I think I’m going to have to look after this young man…..he seems a bit confused.
George: No change there, then.
Mum: There’s also a lot of…..pigs up here. I don’t suppose you know anything about that, do you, George?
George: Yeah…sort of.
Mum: Well, I don’t suppose it’s too important now…..I just want you to know…… I’m very proud, George. You’re a good girl. A mother couldn’t ask for better.
George: (A bit choked) Thanks mum.
Mum: I’d better get going then……(to Plank) Come along then, Sonny, let’s get you sorted (Le Moo is starting to sidle away) Oi! Don’t wander off - I don’t want you out of my sight!
(The three of them drift off. The lights come up. The barricade has gone. A small group has formed round George. Consisting of Winifred, Glenys, Nora, The remaining Bradettes, Harold and Squidley)
George: (regaining consciousness again) Bye mum….bye (Waking up with a start) Whoa! What happened! I’m still……still here….
Winifred: (Dabbing George’s forehead) It’s all right George. You just took a bit of a bump. You’ve been out cold for nearly a day.
George: What happened? To Dave?
Winifred: That Dave’s gone. All those people telling him he didn’t exist. He….exploded.
George: (Sadly.) Sorry Dave.
Winifred: Well…..actually you can tell him yourself.
George: What?
Winifred: Look behind you…
(Little Dave noses his way through the crowd, which gives a quick gasp and scatters at the sight of him)
Winifred: (To the crowd) It’s okay…..it’s okay….
George: I thought you said he’d exploded.
Winifred: He did……and this is what was left after the explosion. …just enough belief in dragons for a harmless little stage one..
Glenys: Erm excuse me…. You did say harmless, didn’t you?
George: Completely….provided you lot stop believing Berth’s lies and scare mongering.
Squidley: Oh…don’t worry about Bertha.
Nora: Yeah…she’s out of a job.
Harold: We had a referendum. There was a very big ‘No’ to Bertha vote.
Nora: Well, actually, it wasn’t really a referendum. We just chucked stuff at her till she went away.
Glenys: Yeah, and we voted you to be the new boss of Bigg City!
George: (In a panic) Wait a minute! I don’t want that! I didn’t want to be a hero in the first place! I only ever came here to just pay my taxes! You don’t want me …you need someone who’s honest …and smart…. And wise and……(Quickly grabs Winifred and pushes her towards them) meet your new Boss of Bigg City!
Winifred: Hang on! Don’t I get a say in this?
George: Not really, no! Look, If people had listened to Winifred in the first place, none of this would have happened. She’s smarter than any of us!
Squidley: Oh well……all in favour of Winifred?
Winifred: That’s Winifred…..the wise.
Squidley: All those in favour of Winifred the Wise, vote now!
(Everyone votes for Winifred)
Squidley: And if I may suggest your first policy decision, Ma’am?
(He whispers in Winifred’s ear)
Winifred: Oh well…makes sense, I suppose. (She clears her throat) People of Bigg City from this day forward, taxing day is…..abolished!
(Cheers from the crowd)
Winifred: Oh wow! I could get used to this! Okay everyone….up to the castle to get your cash back….. Winifred’s in charge ….come on
Then, Squidders!
(Winifred leads the crowd off leaving George alone with Dave. Spud enters quietly at the back)
George: So what are we going to do with you?
Spud: You could take him up to the mountains like you said…
George: I was wondering where you got to!
Spud: So are we going up to the mountains or what?
George: Hang on! Who said anything about you coming?
Spud: Well you can’t do it on your own….you’d just get into trouble…you usually do.
George: Wait a minute…..
Spud: It’s a bit late for that….Dave and I have discussed this, right, Dave?
(Dave nods)
Spud: He wants to go to the mountains. I want to go to the mountains. It’s up to you.
George: (Giving up) I’m not going to get rid of you, am I?
(Spud smiles and shakes her head. She hands George her stick and bundle)
Spud: I did your packing..
George: Well that’s that then….
Spud: We’d better get going…it’ll be getting dark in a bit, and you never know who you’re going to meet on the road!
(Just then, a rather dejected looking Brad wanders on, he is holding up a tatty placard with the word PITT scrawled on it and has his thumb out like a hitchiker. He is followed on by the Bradettes who hold up a series of equally tatty placards which together form the sentence ANYWHERE AWAY FROM HIM and an arrow pointing to Brad. They shuffle off wearily in search of a lift. As they exit Gertrude wanders on)
George: Hey Gertrude - how’s it going!
Gertrude: All right me darli
ngs! I’m putting the business back together. I’ll be back in the pig biz in no time.
George: Well, if anyone can do it, you can, Gertrude!
Gertrude: Not just me, Georgie. I’ve taken on a partner. Well, she’s just shovelling pig poo at the moment - I’m teaching her the business from the bottom up!
(Bertha wanders on looking distinctly scruffy and dishevelled. She is carrying a sack and looking for acorns. She is still rather barmy but seems pretty happy with her new job)
Bertha: Sooooeeee! Piggy piggy piggy! Come and get your lovely acorns! Bertha’s got your piggy treats.
Gertrude: I’ve even got a new slogan….Crazy Gertrude and Barmy Bertha’s……
Bertha: (Finishing the slogan) Practically Perfect Prime Porkers!
…I thought that bit up!
Gertrude: I’m paying her in acorns. See you on the road, me darlin’s!
(Gertrude and Bertha exit)
George: Shall we get going?
Spud: Why not?
(the three of them turn and start to exit. Lester enters)
Lester: And so our tale is done for now
Of dirty deeds and dragons….
George: ( Cutting him off): It’s okay Lester, we’ll do this bit.
(Lester shrugs and walks off, sheepishly - he could even try and wheedle a few “aaaahs” out of the audience)
George: But there’s a message to this tale
So don’t forget to listen.
Spud: Dragons aren’t all monsters, they can be sweet
Like this ‘un (points to Dave. Dave nods)
George: The dragons that we’ve got inside
Are Nastier and bigger
Spud: And the hero isn’t just the guy
With the big and handsome figure
George: There’s a hero and a dragon
inside every one of us.
Spud: And it’s not the way you look that counts,
It’s what you says and does!
George: And so we hope you liked our tale
We did the best we could.
We’re glad you came, so thanks a lot.
Goodnight from George….
Spud:……..and Spud
(Dave nudges George)
George: Oh, sorry, and Dave.
Spud: That doesn’t rhyme…..
George: Shush…it’s the end of the show…..
(Bickering with each other…as usual, Spud and George exit. Dave looks at the audience and gives a gentle shake of his head. Then scampers off after them….still arguing.
The lights fade down as they leave…)
THE END!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Martin Alcock was born in Stoke on Trent, England,1961 and escaped from school unnoticed at the age of 16 in 1978 with two unimpressive O levels in English Language and Literature. Shortly after that, his mother frog-marched him into the offices of the local weekly newspaper, where he was taken on as a cub reporter. He remained there for 5 years, reporting on magistrates courts, cattle markets, lost cats, local amateur dramatic productions and taking names at funerals. He learnt to type on a cast iron Imperial typewriter from the 1940’s. He then moved into industry, writing press releases about industrial air conditioners. He lasted six months before being dismissed. For which he was very grateful.
After university and drama school and a brief career as an actor, Martin was finally persuaded to GROW UP AND GET A PROPER BLOODY JOB teaching Performing Arts at Stoke on Trent College. The 19 years he has spent doing this are easily the most satisfying, exciting, stimulating, frustrating, depressing and soul-destroying (sometimes all before 10am on the same day) years he has spent to date. Martin is currently looking to leave the British Education System while there still is one.
Martin has been writing for some years, mainly plays for his students to perform (of which he has written about 12). He has had some success in the grown up world too. In the prestigious Bruntwood/Manchester Royal Exchange competition in 2008, his play HERE I SIT ALL ALONE, I THINK I’LL PLAY MY XYLOPHONE made it through to the last 60 of 1600 submitted plays. His short play THE SMOKE FROM FAR SHUTT was selected as one of seven out of 170 submitted to be performed at the Arundel Festival Theatre Trail this August alongside a new play by Simon Brett. This last effort earned him a writers fee of £150 – his first paid work as a writer.
In 2009, as part of Anthony Gormley’s “One And Other” Project Martin was one of 1000 people chosen to spend an hour on the Fourth Plinth of Trafalgar Square. He chose to spend his hour as his comedy idol Tony Hancock (complete with homemade blue plaque).
This summer he can be seen in the Co-Operative British Youth Film Academy Feature Film “Olivia Twist”, an updated version of the Dickens Classic, as Bob Fagin (He has since got rid of the beard).
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