“Not even a little bit,” he said, his own face devoid of any emotion, confusing me. He put the car into drive and pressed the gas.
We took off toward the car wash, my heart beating a million thu-thumps a minute. We were quiet the entire ride, not even the radio to fill the silence. It was if he wanted to feel the tension that lay between us, with nothing to distract him. Every single weighted instant. I felt it. It was heady, heavy, alarming, but mostly it was torturous. A good torture, though.
We pulled in next to the wet-vac at the car wash and both got out. Ezra met me at my side.
“Why don’t you ever wait?” he asked, reaching into his pocket for a few quarters.
“Wait for what?” I asked, a bit disoriented from the car ride, from the proximity.
“For me to open the door for you,” he said, shoving in the quarters.
The machine bolted to life before I had a chance to answer. He looked at me a moment before ripping down the hose and leaning into the car. I walked to the other side, grabbed the hotel towels from the backseat, and set them on top of the car. I removed one and began wiping down the seats. We worked methodically, carefully avoiding one another, mindful that our hands never touched. Together we were a Molotov cocktail. A single brush would ignite us, I was sure of it, and who knew what the consequences would be?
I thought back to Ezra’s touching my leg and foot at the beginning of our trip, thought back to the heat that pooled in my stomach when his fingers unzipped my boot. I stopped wiping altogether at the memory, stuck in that moment, it seemed.
Ezra noticed. “You okay?” his deep voice asked.
I shook my head to clear it. “Uh, yeah. Sorry,” I said, moving the towel to the top of the seat.
The vacuum died and the silence was deafening.
“If you’re tired,” he practically whispered, “take a break, Jupiter.”
“I’m not tired,” I told him as I continued with the work.
Forty-five minutes later, we’d gotten about as much water as you could get out of the seats and off the floorboards. I stood and started folding all the wet towels on the hood of the car. Ezra came around, his keys jingling off one of the loops on his jeans, and helped me. When we were done, he tossed them on top of a plastic bag in the backseat. He stuck his keys in the ignition and turned on one of his playlists, then left the doors open.
“Let’s let it air out for a few minutes,” he said.
He sat on the hood, scooting back until he laid on the windshield, tucking his hands behind his head. I studied him there. His muscular legs strained against his jeans. He’d removed his button-up, leaving a graphic tee underneath.
“Come up here,” he said as a small smile stretched across his beautiful mouth.
I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”
I lifted myself up onto the hood next to Ezra, lying back against the windshield as well, and crossed my boots at the ankles.
“I dig those,” he told the fluorescents above us.
“Dig what?”
“Your boots, dork.”
“They were my mama’s.” I lifted one up for a second before dropping it back down. “They’re comfortable as heck.”
We were quiet for two songs.
“Christmas break,” he began. His chest steadily rose and fell with each deep breath. “Our junior year.” This was it. This was what I’d been waiting for. The accident. “Jessica and I were supposed to go to that party at Brian Fox’s house. Remember it?”
“Vaguely.”
“Did you go?” he asked.
I turned toward him. “I didn’t exactly run in the same crowd, Ezra.”
He nodded. “Lucky,” he whispered. Another deep breath. “So we were supposed to go. Jessica was hyped.” Since he was so much taller he was a bit higher on the windshield than I was and had to look down at me. “I went to parties, Jupiter, but I didn’t exactly get anything out of them. To me it was just a bunch of idiots gathered up into a shared space vying for attention. Alcohol flowed freely. Drugs too. Always. I woke up that morning and right off the bat got into a huge fight with my mom over something. I can’t even remember what. I left in my truck, deciding to head to Jessica’s, you know, get out of my mom’s hair, but she wasn’t there. I texted her but she’d gone to the mall to get something to wear for that night.”
“Like, oh my God, the mall?” I teased.
Ezra laughed. “Shut up. Listen.”
“I am.”
“So I went back home and my mom was pissed I’d left without telling her and for not picking up my phone. She’d been looking for me because she’d needed me to pick up my grandparents from the airport since they were coming in for Christmas. She had to send my brother instead. She was angry ’cause she felt I should have gone since he should have been studying for a final.
“Basically, she told me I couldn’t go out that night, not only because I’d failed to pick up my phone, but also because her mom and dad were in town and she wanted the family together.”
“But you didn’t stay.”
Ezra stared at me for a moment. “No, I didn’t,” he said quietly before continuing. “My mom and dad left with my grandparents to pick up dinner, and I was supposed stay put and wait for them. I was lounging on the couch when Jessica called.”
“Uh-oh.”
“Yeah, she was pissed. I told her she’d have to go by herself. She started yelling about how much time she’d taken to get ready and how much she’d spent to look good for the party and all this shit and that I better get my ass over to her house or she and I were through and all this crap. I was pretty angry at her threats but said I’d meet her there.
“She told me to be at the party at nine ’cause she didn’t want to walk in by herself. I told her that would be cool and hung up. My parents and grandparents got home soon after that, so we all sat down and ate, talking and laughing. Time passed by so quickly I didn’t realize nine had flown by. It wasn't until close to eleven that I realized how late I was. My grandparents and parents had just gone to bed, so I decided to sneak out and come back before they woke.
“I called Jessica a bunch of times, but she didn’t pick up. I knew she was probably fuming, so I decided to head over there. When I got there, nobody would make eye contact with me. It was fecking weird. I caught sight of Brian in his kitchen and went over to him. I asked what was up, but he played off the question. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with everyone but chalked it up to their having been drinking the whole night.
“I searched the house for Jessica but didn’t find her anywhere the general party was.” He breathed deeply. “I decided to check upstairs.” He looked down at me again. “Jess liked to smoke a little pot sometimes, and I figured she was holed up in some room with a couple of her girls.” My stomach clenched. “She was holed up in some room, all right, but it wasn’t with her girlfriends.” I swallowed down the uncomfortable knot in my throat.
“Who was she with?” I whispered.
“Patrick Cooper.”
Oh shit. Patrick Cooper played lacrosse with Ezra.
“I’m so sorry,” I told him.
“They tried to cover themselves up, but they were so buzzed they failed. In so many words, I felt sick to my stomach. I fled the room, down the stairs, and through the party. Everyone avoided eye contact, and that’s when I discovered they knew, but they hadn’t said anything.”
“A double betrayal.”
“Yes,” his voice said, seemingly far away. “I ran out of the house and vomited into the grass outside near a bunch of sophomores, but they just laughed at me, like I wasn’t human, like I wasn’t a human being.
“Jupiter,” he said, my name hanging in the air around us. The way he said it made me feel closer to him than I’d ever felt before.
“Yes?”
“I left. Jumped into my truck, not bothering with my seatbelt, and tore out of there. I’d been in love with her. I really loved her.”
“I know.”
This su
rprised him. “You knew?”
“Yes.”
“How could you know?”
“There were little things I noticed that probably wouldn’t translate to anyone else watching.”
“Like what?”
“Well, you used to, like, cull her into your body whenever you walked down a crowded hall, to protect her. You were hyperaware of her. One time I saw your head shoot up in class and I wondered what it was you’d heard. I followed your gaze and there she was.” Ezra narrowed his eyes at me as if he was trying to figure me out. “Anyway,” I continued, clearing my throat, “keep going.”
Ezra swallowed hard. In preparation for the rest of the story, I thought, but I wasn’t sure. The way he’d watched me while he did it made me curious.
“I was driving too fast down Salem and hit that curve near the ravine. You know it?”
“I do.”
“I lost control and hit a large tree at the bottom of the ravine head-on. The engine was pushed into the cab, shattering both my legs in fifteen different places. I blacked out.”
My hands went to my mouth. I remembered the news articles.
“They didn’t find you for nearly twelve hours.”
“That’s right.”
“Because no one knew you were missing.”
“That’s right.”
“No one at the party called to check on you.”
“Again, right.”
“Your family was asleep.”
“That’s right.”
“And because it took them so long to find you, you were in a coma for three days.”
He nodded.
“And when you woke?”
“My parents were there. My siblings. My grandparents, but no one else.”
“I think I get it now,” I told him.
A deep, rumbling, sarcastic laugh crackled through his chest. “Do you?”
“Yes.” I paused. “And Ezra?”
“Yeah?” he said, moving his hands to rest on his chest.
“If I’d been there, I would’ve checked on you.”
Ezra took three deep breaths. “I know.”
Chapter Fourteen
The next morning we were heading to Chicago. As if I wasn’t nervous enough around Ezra, I had to come to terms with meeting his extended family. Ezra and I hadn’t gotten back to the room until well after midnight. We’d found Kai asleep, so we did the same. Well, at least Ezra did, I think. I stayed up until two in the morning replaying everything Ezra had told me over and over, then fantasizing that our conversation had ended differently than just sliding off the hood and getting in the car. Instead, I imagined Ezra taking my hand and holding it. That’s all I wanted to do. Just hold his hand.
Needless to say, waking up at six to get ready was kind of a drag. Me no likey four hours sleep.
I whined when Ezra leaned over me and nudged my shoulder. “Leave me here,” I said and rolled over, tucking the pillow over my head.
“Get up, Jupiter,” his soft voice uttered.
“Five more minutes, Mom.”
“More like Daddy,” he teased.
I laughed into the mattress. “Ezra, you’re a dirty old man,” my muffled voice told him.
I pulled the pillow down so only one eye showed.
“Get up, please,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. The mattress sank a little and I slid into his side. The heat of his body made my heart race.
“Turn around,” I ordered.
Ezra laughed. “What? Why? You’re fully dressed. I saw you climb into bed last night.”
My face grew warm, and I hoped he couldn’t see my blush. “I-I know, but, uh, I don’t want you to see me.”
Ezra’s face sobered. “Why?”
My face grew impossibly hot. “Because, I, uh, my hair probably looks crazy and I don’t have makeup on.”
Ezra pitched over me. He brought his face close to mine and searched my eyes. “What would you care if I saw you that way?” his deep voice asked. His question spilled over me, syrupy sweet and stunning.
I swallowed hard. Oh, dear God. How to answer this question. “Only, well, it’s a little embarrassing.”
Ezra sat up, gave me a coy smile, and said, “More embarrassing than falling on your face?”
That face grew so hot, I thought it would melt off. “Oy vey!”
I bolted up and hit him upside his head with the pillow I’d been holding. I drew back to hit him again but he maneuvered away quickly, yanking the pillow away with one swift movement. I grabbed its mate and swung at him. He ducked, so I missed, then he came up and knocked me in the side. We sparred back and forth, jumping from bed to bed.
Kai walked through the door as I was yelling I was going to annihilate Ezra, and we both dropped our pillows, standing on the beds like idiots.
“Oh, hello, Kai,” I said, winded. I ran my hands over my insane hair and stepped off the bed.
I calmly walked toward the bathroom, both boys watching me. Kai’s expression looked knowing, and he winked at me. I ran my thumb across my throat in warning. I grabbed my bag and made my way to the bathroom to shower. I closed the door and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair stuck out at wild angles, of course, my cheeks were flush from the effort of our pillow fight, and my eyes as round as saucers. I looked like a giant Blythe doll someone had left under the bed for two years and forgotten about.
I ran the water and hit the shower, getting ready quickly and analyzing what had just happened between Ezra and me. Was it flirting? Or was it friends messing around? Was it friends flirting, but innocently? What was it?
When breakfast was over, we loaded up the trunk.
“Kai, I need you to drive,” Ezra told his cousin, surprising me.
“Yes!” was Kai’s immediate reaction.
“I’m only letting you drive because my legs ache from yesterday’s fiasco and, frankly, I’m too tired.”
Ezra tossed his keys at Kai and we all piled in, with Ezra in the back this time. Kai maneuvered us out onto 65 toward Louisville, Kentucky. I’d called my sister after breakfast and needed to text Frank.
Loser, I wrote.
Yes
What are you doing?
Waiting with baited breath for your text, of course. My whole life revolves around you
Shut up lol and it’s bated not baited
Thank you Miss Mirriam-Webster you gigantic nerd you
You’re welcome
So did you kiss him
Jeez louise Frankie! Stop!
Pause.
Is pillow fighting considered flirting, I asked.
Does Carrot Top need to lay off the eyebrow waxing?
Stop, I’m being serious
Me too. It’s too much. He overarches
I fought him with a pillow
Carrot Top!?
Lord help me with you, Frank
Okay, I’m serious now. were they feather?
I sighed. I don’t remember what does it matter
Feather pillows weigh more and they land harder
Okay so?
I was just curious
Yeah but why?
Making conversation
I groaned. One of these days, Frankie! One of these days!
The truth is i don’t know Jup I wasn’t there so I didn’t see what does your gut tell you?
It says “stop eating hamburgers, Jupiter, I can’t take it anymore”
Nice. And what does it say to you about Ezra?
It says “that boy is whiplash personified” one minute I feel like he digs me but the next I feel like he barely notices me
Guys are strange, buttercup. If it isn’t obvious to you, Jupiter, then maybe…
Maybe?
Maybe it’s time to, you know, get over the high school crush thing
I felt my stomach plummet. Was she right? Frank, in all her surface idiocy, was usually pretty spot on when it came to boys, to many things, actually. I couldn’t be friends with someone who didn’t have depth. She had a sort
of no-nonsense approach to boys. She’d always say if they were into you, their actions would let you know, and if they weren’t? Again, their actions let you know. She didn’t wait around, never pined, and she didn’t tolerate boys who kept her hooked. If they didn’t dedicate themselves, she cut the line. I’d always admired that about her, and she always encouraged that mentality in me.
“Letting a boy drag you along does nothing for you, which is the point, isn’t it? It kills self-esteem and self-worth. If they don’t bow at your feet, kick ’em to the curb, baby,” she said time and time again to me.
I didn’t respond to her. Better to put it off until later. Why resolve things in the moment when you can wait? That was my motto. Wait until your problems compound and then rashly solve them. It always works. Mostly. Well, sometimes it works. Actually, it never works. Huh.
While I procrastinated addressing my issues with procrastination, I was drawn toward the cars we were speeding by, a cartoonish zipping sound enveloping the cab.
“Scooby flipping Doo, Kai!”
“What?” he asked, smiling.
“Slow down!”
“Can’t. Life in the fast lane.”
I turned around and addressed Ezra. “Ezra, you’re okay with this speed?”
Ezra smirked and shrugged. “I know it sounds crazy, but Kai is a better driver when he speeds than when he doesn’t. He’s never once had an accident.”
My hand went to the dash and I yelped as we narrowly swung around a slower driver. “Kai!”
“Listen, if you’re too scared, you’re welcome to sit in the back with Ezra. I’m sure he’ll protect you.”
My face flushed. Both Ezra and I gave Kai looks to kill, but all he did was laugh in response. I wished I had the ability to strike real fear over people. I’d seen Frankie do it at least a hundred times, but I could never quite accomplish the task.
“Just ignore him,” Ezra told me. “He’s an idiot.”
Why? I thought, because you don’t want me back there? Or because you don’t want me to feel uncomfortable? Why?!
Kai whipped so closely around a man driving a pickup I could actually see individual hairs in the driver’s stubble.
“Gah!” I screamed, as a very fitting “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” played through Ezra’s speakers. “He had spinach for lunch!” Without thinking, I unbuckled my belt and tossed myself over the bench into the back with Ezra.