Men are trying to get somewhere. They are trying to get ahead through personal achievement or they are trying to get back what they have lost. The best way to get ahead or get back is to get centered. This is a book about getting even. It is written with the purpose of helping men achieve balance so they can get the life, love and intimacy they desire.
Usually the term ‘getting even’ means finding retribution or payback for a wrong that has been experienced. Indirectly this book and series of books to follow will help with that but payback is not the reason for writing this. This is about helping men find equilibrium and being well adjusted. It is about finding balance. If men get even (stable) they will get even (retribution) without having to be directly involved in it.
No Respect
As men we have been treated with disrespect for the past few decades. Huge swings in society’s norms and extreme changes in the traditional family have fashioned men who have tried to gain respect. Men have been conditioned to think that they are lacking something and so find themselves on a quest to gain approval. Men have been beaten up, neutered and emasculated.
Over the past two decades of private practice as a licensed counselor I have encountered many men who are inwardly seething about the way they have been treated by wives, families of origin, children, friends and jobs. These men struggle in vain to embrace happiness while hanging on to resentment. They would like to get even.
Most men do not see themselves as good. The lack of respect for manhood has left them feeling insecure and most men do not respect themselves. In recent months I have been making a statement to men. That statement is, “You are a good man”. I have been making this declaration in both professional and personal settings. The reaction has caught me off guard. When I say this affirming proclamation to men they usually respond with loss of eye contact. They typically reply by a diminishing response like: ‘I try to be’ or ‘I wouldn’t say that’. In one counseling session a man said with tears in his eyes, “I have wanted to hear that for so long.”
Men are seeking respect.
Men want to be known as good men.
Men need to give up trying to get respect.
Men need to get even!
Attempts To Get Even
Two Approaches to Getting Even
There are two ways in which men have handled disrespect:
The first is by winning. So that others may see them as worthy of value because of their outward accomplishments men go to great lengths to succeed and triumph. These guys try to hide inner insecurity in outward achievement. They hide in their success.
The second is by waning. So that they can fade into obscurity and not be noticed men try to cover perceived shame. They do not want have attention because such notice will also bring to light actual or perceived flaws. These guys hide inner insecurity by staying below surveillance. They hide from success.
These two approaches are both ineffective in helping men get the life, love and intimacy they desire.
Examples of Men Getting Even
Men get even in different ways. For example a client gets even by cheating on his wife every Wednesday afternoon. He and his wife are dedicated to a very strict lifestyle devoted to physical health. They exercise rigorously and watch what they eat just as thoroughly. His wife is constantly checking on him to make sure he is staying the course and has been doing so for years. This man rebels and once a week he slips away to a local diner and has a greasy cheeseburger and on days that he is especially defiant he will have a milk shake or a scoop of ice cream. He gets even.
Here are some statements that typify ways men get even:
Take a look around and see how many men give their wives the lifestyle I give you.
If you want to pay attention to kids above me then I will pay attention to work above you.
I am going to be the exact opposite of what my father was.
I work too hard to have to come home to family drama.
My success today shows you were wrong saying I would not amount to any thing.
I am going to marry a woman that is completely different than my mother.
You may have won now but we’ll how that works when you are not around.
I deserve a drink to unwind because my life is stressful.
It is not like I had an affair; it was just pornography.
If you don’t think I am worthy of affection someone else will.
What I have today makes up for what I didn’t have when I was growing up.
When the kids are gone so will I be.
Everybody else thinks I am a pretty good guy.
Retaliation does nothing for relation. Getting even is not about reactive revenge for the way of being others have treated. It is about proactively developing the balance of health and wholeness that invites other healthy people to close relationship. Healthy balance diminishes or eliminates association with unhealthy people.
Again, this book is about getting even by getting balanced and being well adjusted. Such poise will get rid of the poison of retribution.
The Opposite of Unhealthy is Still Unhealthy
Many men are trying to adjust from unhealthy but the change they make is unhealthy. Often in trying to compensate for lack there is an overcompensation to something that is also deficient. In writing this book I am making the point that one extreme to another is still extreme. Many men are trying to adjust to unhealthy but the adjustment they make is unfit. The opposite of unhealthy is still unhealthy.
To illustrate here is are some examples taken from a survey available at the end of this book.
Finding balance or getting even is a tricky thing. Actually it is ok to be unbalanced most of the time. Like an unicyclist or tight rope walker the reality is the imbalance allows to make forward progress. Balance is achieved by crossing back and forth over equilibrium. It is the extreme movements in one direction or the other that will bring one crashing down.
Often the approach to achieve balance is to try to live in extremes or two different lives. Men often are very different in their public life than they are in their personal lives and are quite altered in who they are at work and who they are at home. The attempt to get even in life by living two different lives leaves a feeling of duplicity and causes relationships to suffer. There is lack of integrity in the quest for balance.
How Did We Get Here? A Media History Lesson
As mentioned previously men have tried to get respect in one of two ways by winning or winning. In modern culture waning men are represented by the likes of Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin (Family Guy). These iconic, animated men have come to represent masculinity that is not to be taken seriously. Men have suffered a scourge of mistreatment with such representations. In some sense our culture’s response to men is deserved. It is simply an overreaction to the winning guys of the 1950’s and 60’s which is as equally traverse. In these media representations the man is the achieving male who is the somewhat untouchable leader. He is the king of his castle. He is to be treated with dignity for providing for the family and pretty much given a pass when it came to meaningful interaction. The family is to listen to and obey his every word. Shows like Father Knows Best and Leave it To Beaver were the examples of modern manhood of that era. We have gone through a pendulum swing since the Early 50’s. This is epitomized by these media representations of men.
Below is a comparison and contrast of these:
The Struggle for Balance is The Struggle for Identity
The man as king scenario had to go but not to the extreme of man as the village idiot. Because of t
his contrast it is hard for men to find their identity. If you don’t believe this ask, any man to give their definition of a man.
Manhood for most men will be defined in the roles they have or the jobs they do. This becomes evident in basic man dialogue. The question after ‘who are you’ is ‘what do you do’? Most masculine conversation centers on careers and involvements. There is an emphasis on what is being done (doing) not on who we are (being). In actuality we are to get our identity as human beings not human doings. Every man struggles with how to describe who and what he really is.
Here is what I consider to be a healthy definition of a man:
“A male who lives every day with an authentic identity in healthy balance.”
In the following paragraphs we develop this definition.
A Male Who Lives Every day
It will not be my attempt here to go into an involved discussion on the differences between men and women. For sake of development we will suffice it to say that men and women are different in body type. That will be enough to define our discussion at present. So if you have masculine genitalia consider yourself in the broad category of masculinity being discussed here.
Living With Authentic Identity
As men we struggle with a predicament of who we are, especially in current social norms. We try to solve the identity crises through external approval seeking approaches. These methods keep us from being less than genuine. We give up our true identity while seeking the approval of others. Four of these approaches are occupation, sexuality, social status and ownership:
1. Solved Through Occupation
As alluded to earlier, satisfying the identity crisis for men can come through occupation. There is the premise of “I am what I do”. As stated previously, man gets much of his identity from what he does. As men, we often strive to do things to find out who we are. This shows up most in our jobs. We become what we do. Few men are living by purpose but instead are living to find purpose. This sets us up for vocational comparison that is unhealthy. Most men would be uncomfortable doing menial jobs and yet having a sense of purpose. Having a good sense of identity and bringing that to our occupations is most healthy. It is not the type of job that is done that gives us identity; it is the person we bring to the job.
2. Solved Through Sexuality
The identity crisis can be addressed by sexuality. There is the premise “I am how I express intimacy”. Many men search for their identity through sexual expression and involvement. In the 50’s or 60’s the playboy persona identified macho masculinity. The man of sexual exploit was looked up to. The quest was conquest of women. Men were looked up to for the open display of their active libido. This open expression of sexual appetite became unacceptable and turned from a norm to sexual harassment. Now sexual identity is very different. It is unsuitable for man to make sexual gestures to women but quite suitable for men to be openly feminine in their display of sexuality. The movement to neuter the macho playboy has had the opposite effect of feminizing men so that a man having feminine qualities is not only acceptable but in vogue. The approach to sexuality, heterosexually or homosexually, has the common challenge; men struggling with their identity. In actuality this is not a sexual issue as much as it is an identity issue. Sexuality is just an expression of who we are. If we don’t know who we are, we are going to struggle with how to express it intimately.
3. Solved Through Social Status
The identity crisis can be addressed by social status. There is the premise that “I am who I associate with”. As a result there is a striving to be with those who have good social standing and are the ‘in crowd’. This kind of positioning often leaves relationships shallow with friendship being more posturing than connecting. Since there is a hidden agenda to be like those who are liked there is a loss of true self. This leads to projection of false self in trying to gain identity through acceptance.
4. Solved Through Ownership
The identity crisis can also be attempted to be solved by possession. There is the premise of “I am what I own”. In a materialistic culture this is a big pull. I am what I own often leads to what I have owns me. This is the problem of much financial turmoil as men try to show who they are by what they have. External emphasis often leads to internal crisis. The drive to own more is not a pleasant drive in the country but puts one on a fast track to stress and turmoil. Instead of simplifying the quest for identity it multiplies the confusion.
Finding Real Identity
There is a much simpler approach to finding identity. Men have to practice being themselves. There has to be an awareness of how much energy, time and resources is being dedicated to garner others’ endorsement. Once this awareness is realized there then must be a focus on inward acceptance above outward acceptance. Questions that can help this inward movement are:
What do I want?
What positive character traits do I have?
What makes me happy?
What makes me unique?
5. Ways To Find Identity
1.Identify ways that approval is being sought. Evaluate everything that is done in a day to to see if it is being done as an expression of self or a seeking of approval of others.
2.Be vulnerable by revealing true self to safe people. Human beings connect with human beings, not human doings. Hiding our humanity while trying to impress others is as futile as trying to have sex while in a hazardous material suit.
3.Take care of self. Do some things that are enjoyable for self. If we hope to be kind to others we need to practice first being kind to ourselves.
4.Spend time alone. Being alone with ourselves keeps us from the distractions of others. Learning to be quite and alone is like being given an inheritance as an only heir.
5.Value self based on character not performance. Think of positive character traits you have and how they are evidenced by what you do.
In Healthy Balance
There are five things that comprise our health. To remember these five areas think of an acronym SPIES. If someone were spying on our life they would see health in five ways.
S piritual Health - This has to do with your relationship to self and to God as it applies to discovery and development. Spirituality for most men is considered to be more feminine than masculine. Many men play the oldest game in the book, Hide and Seek. This is the one Adam was playing in the garden in Genesis. It seems like all men since Adam have a tendency to play this game and disappear from spiritual awareness.
P hysical Health - This has to do with looking after your body. This includes things like diet, exercise, rest, nutrition, and recreation. Although this is usually the most easy to identify it is often difficult to apply.
I ntellectual Health – This has to do with how you use your mind. What are you doing to stimulate the gray matter. This has more than to think because you because of job requirements. It is thinking that inspires, creates and dreams. It is not just concrete thinking but abstract thinking. It is not just reactive but proactive. It is promoting intelligence to create new intelligence.
E motional Health - Expressing feelings for men are often thought as a weakness. We were told as boys to suck it up or big men don’t cry. In actuality it is essential to deal with our feelings in healthy ways. If anger, anxiety or depression are the only feelings expressed then there is a good chance that emotions are not being expressed in healthy ways.
S ocial Health - This has to do with having good friends, people that we can really be open with and have that vulnerability returned. I call these emotional bank account relationships where you make deposits and withdrawals as needed.
Conclusion of the Introduction
The unhealthy extremes in cultural norms for manhood in recent decades have left men feeling disrespected. Manhood is trying to culturally find itself between the extremes of dominant man and emasculated man. As it does we must individually find the balance of health. We
must give up embracing conflicting unhealthy over reactions and get centered. We must stop hiding our perceived shame and know that we are good. We must give up external means of finding and expressing our identity. We must define our personal masculinity through strong personal identity living in healthy balance in all areas of our lives. Getting even this way will allow us to move away from revenge and toward the life, love and intimacy we desire.
Finding balance is not a place of arrival it is a place adjustments. The concluding survey will give opportunity to examine balance.
Getting Even Personal Survey
Getting Even
With Sex
Book Two
The following quotations are from the next in the series of Getting Even books.
Getting Even With Sex
The Relic
Imagine you came across an ancient relic from a former culture that was said to solve all relational problems. This relic, called an XES, if polished and rubbed would take away all negative relational concerns. It would remove lack of love, never being rejected again, all self-esteem issues and the ability to see through deception. If you looked at the XES in a mirror you may find it is what is actually being used right now in your life. It is called SEX. You, along with most other men are trying to use it constantly to relieve personal and relational woes.
Sex for men is where the greatest enjoyment, closeness and connectedness can be experienced but also where abandonment, shame, and dysfunction can be magnified. In directing men’s groups and as a professional counselor I believe it is safe to say that every man with whom I have ever worked has had some significant problem with sex. Men have a tendency to focus on factors outside themselves as the reason for sexual frustration but in actuality the opposite is true. Men really struggle with sex and their own sexuality…