Chapter Five NED AND JED
But she did. Mathilda was not only cool--she was clever. Wanda and I watched, totally amazed, as Mathilda talked Nurse Watkins into letting her stay. At first Nurse Watkins said that there was no way she would "dream of leaving the girls with a mere teenager, " and she looked at Mathilda as if to say, "especially one that looks like that, " although she didn't say it because I don't think she dared.
But a few minutes later everything had changed and it was Nurse Watkins who was asking Mathilda if she would very kindly stay and take care of us and thank ing her so much when Mathilda agreed. It was brilliant. I made sure I listened to everything Mathilda said very carefully, as it seemed to me that this was a really good way of getting things to work out how you wanted them to--much better than making Plans that do not always go quite how you expect them to. We waved good-bye to Nurse Watkins as she set off down the path wearing her best blue nurse's hat and cape and carrying her little black nurse's bag. As she opened the gate I wondered why she suddenly screamed and her hat flew off as if it had been caught in a gale--even though there was no wind at all. We all giggled as we watched Nurse Watkins chase her hat down the road, and every time she tried to snatch it, it seemed to see her coming and jump just out of reach. But then Mathilda whistled a really piercing whistle and yelled, "Ned! Jed! That's enough. Come inside now!" The hat stopped and waited for Nurse Watkins to pick it up, which she did-- with an irritable swipe. The two boys we had seen earlier appeared at the garden gate, which suddenly flew right off its hinges and landed on top of the hedge. Weird. Aunt Tabby won't like that, I thought. The boys sauntered up the path and suddenly Wanda screamed, "They're ghosts!" Wanda was right. The boys were wearing dark, kind of old-fashioned clothes and when I looked closely I could see right through them to the patch of sunflowers that Wanda and I had planted. And although they were walking--not floating like Edmund does-- when I looked at their feet I could see that they did not actually touch the ground. Wow! Mathilda had brought two ghosts with her. How good was that?
Actually, Wanda didn't think it was good at all. I was surprised because Wanda likes Sir Horace and Fang and she really likes Edmund, but as the ghosts strolled in through the front door, Wanda did not look happy. "This is Ned and Jed, " said Mathilda. Ned and Jed were standing on the doormat staring just like everyone does when they first arrive in Spookie House. "Hello, little girls, " they said. "We are not little girls, " I told them. "We are Araminta Spookie and Wanda Wizzard. " Ned and Jed bowed. "Pleased to make your acquaintance, " they said in an old-fashioned way. "Well, Araminta Spookie and Wanda Wizzard, " said Mathilda, smiling, "aren't you going to show us around?"
Wanda and I showed Mathilda, Ned, and Jed around Spookie House. And all the time, weird stuff kept happening. As we were walking past Uncle Drac's bat turret the little red door suddenly flew open with a bang. This was not good, as Uncle Drac's bats are always looking for a chance to escape. A huge cloud of bats flew out and Mathilda screamed, which surprised me because I would have thought she'd have liked bats. It was really hard to close the door, as the bats just kept on coming, and it wasn't until most of the bats had escaped from the turret that we could get the door shut. There were bats everywhere. I knew Uncle Drac would not mind at all since he would like his bats to live in Spookie House anyway--it is Aunt Tabby who makes him keep them in the turret.
But what would Aunt Tabby say? We continued showing Mathilda, Ned, and Jed around the bat-filled house and weird things kept happening. In Aunt Tabby's bed room all the clothes came flying out of the wardrobe and danced around the room. They looked like hundreds of Aunt Tabbys and it was really funny. But Mathilda did not think so. She yelled, "Ned and Jed, stop it!" and the clothes stopped dancing and fell down all over the place. As we went around Spookie House more and more things happened. Moldy curtains fell on our heads, pictures fell off the wall, lampshades spun around like tops, and books flew across rooms like great big seagulls. I thought it was great but Wanda squeaked a lot.
The funniest thing of all happened when we got to the landing. Fang was sleeping on top of one of the old chests there. As we walked past, the chest raised itself up, hovered for a few seconds, then set off along the land ing, heading for the stairs. Fang woke up and looked really surprised. But he looked even more surprised when the chest hurtled down the stairs like a toboggan. Fang was great--he sat up and he looked like he really enjoyed the ride. But the chest didn't do so well; it landed with a smash, split open, and a bunch of old tennis balls escaped and rolled everywhere. But Fang didn't mind. He skidded across the hall, shot straight under the monster chair by the clock, and lay there with his tongue hang ing out watching the tennis balls. The last thing we showed Mathilda, Ned,and Jed was the ghost-in-the-bath-bathroom.
We were all looking at the bath wondering whether at long last we would see the ghost- in-the-bath when a moldy sponge hit Wanda on the back of the head. She wasn't hurt, as it was only a sponge, but she got green fuzz all over her hair. I thought it was funny, but Mathilda glared at Ned and Jed, who were hanging around with their hands in their pockets. "Ned, Jed--that's enough, " she said, annoyed. "Go away and find someone else to chuck sponges at. " I thought that was weird. I hadn't seen Ned and Jed even touch the sponge. As far as I could tell, the sponge had decided to throw itself at Wanda. Ned and Jed didn't say anything. They grinned like two naughty boys who had been caught and disappeared through the bathroom paneling--which leads into the secret passage that goes to Sir Horace's secret room.
I won dered what Sir Horace would think about his visitors. I hoped he wouldn't scare them too much. Wanda hadn't said anything since the sponge hit her, but I could tell she was going to once she thought about it. Wanda is like that. She sometimes spends a long time think ing before she says something, especially if she is in a bad mood, which is different from the way I am. I say stuff straightaway--really loudly. But Wanda didn't wait too long this time. "Ned and Jed are poltergeists, aren't they?" she said. Mathilda nodded.
I was so impressed. Wanda is not nearly as dumb as she looks. I remembered what Uncle Drac told me about poltergeists.
He had grown up with one in his castle. It had been very annoying--it used to throw all his sheets and blankets around, which is why he sleeps in a sleeping bag now. "Why did you bring them?" Wanda asked Mathilda. Mathilda looked a bit awkward, I thought. "I had to, " she said. "They come everywhere with me. " "Why?" asked Wanda. "It's a long story. " Mathilda sighed. "Tell us, " Wanda and I said together. "Please. " Mathilda sat on the edge of the bathtub and said, "All right, then. It's a little scary, though. " "Good, " I said. Wanda didn't say anything, but she made me sit next to her on Sir Horace's treasure chest. Mathilda began. "You know my parents run the Spookie Ghost Removal Service, don't you?" she asked. "You mean they take people's ghosts away?" I was amazed that anyone would actually want to get a ghost removed from their house-- although I could see that Edmund might get a bit annoying after a while. But the thought of someone taking Sir Horace and Fang away was not nice at all. I love having ghosts in Spookie House--it would be really awful without them. "Yes, their job is to take ghosts away, " said Mathilda. "And recently they have been really busy. Anyway, one dark and stormy night--" "Ooh, " whispered Wanda. She shuffled up really close to me.
"One dark and stormy night, " said Mathilda, "my parents were called out to a big old house in the middle of the wild, wild moors. The owners had just moved in, and the first night they were there they got no sleep at all. As soon as they had finished eating din ner all the plates flew off the table, zoomed around the room, and began chasing them. They were terrified. They were chased all around the house by the remains of their din ner for the whole night. " Wanda giggled and prodded me. "That's like you being chased by Nurse Watkins's parsnip soup, " she said. "And you, " I told her. "It would chase you too. And it would probably catch you and gloop all over your head because you are so slow. "<
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"I am not. " "Stop it, " said Mathilda, "or I won't tell you any more. " So we stopped it and Mathilda carried on. "Anyway, the previous owner had thought fully left the number of our ghost-removal service and they called us very, very early the next morning. "Mom and Dad arrived and found Ned and Jed. They had a lot of trouble removing them--in fact they had the worst trouble they had ever had. Ned and Jed threw tons of stuff at them and refused to go. Mom and Dad did all the right things that you have to do to get rid of ghosts. They found out who the ghosts were and why they were there, but still they could not get rid of them. "
"So who were they? Why were they there?" asked Miss Nosy Bucket. "About a hundred years ago, " said Mathilda, "Ned and Jed were pickpockets. One night they decided to go to the big house on the moor to see what they could find-- just for a laugh, they said. They didn't find much. They got bored and found the kitchen. And then, because actually Ned and Jed never did have enough to eat, they stuffed them selves full of everything they could find. When they could eat no more, they had a food fight with what was left--and then they began to feel really ill. That is the last thing they remember until they woke up as ghosts--or poltergeists. They found out later that the owner of the house collected fungi and they had eaten a whole jar of poisonous toadstools. "
"Eurgh!" gasped Wanda. "Toadstools. Yuk. " "Not nice, "agreed Mathilda. "Anyway, they decided to stay at the house and have fun throwing things and generally scaring people-- and they weren't about to stop for Mom and Dad either. But they stopped for me. " Mathilda grinned. "Wow, " I said. "Yeah. Mom and Dad called me in. And I removed them. " "How?" I asked. Mathilda shrugged. "Easy. I just told them that there were much better places to hang out than there and I'd show them some if they wanted. So they came along. The only trouble is"--she sighed--"I can't get rid of them. They go everywhere with me. They are get ting to be a real pain. If I don't re-home them soon they will drive me totally bonkers. "
"They could come here, " I said. "No, Araminta, they could not, " said Wanda. "No way. " Suddenly there was a loud crash down stairs. We rushed down just in time to see Ned and Jed running out of one of the secret doors in the hall, closely followed by Sir Horace. "Knaves, scoundrels, and rapscallions!" boomed Sir Horace. "Do not darken my door again, else I shall take my trusty sword to you. " And he aimed some really good swipes at Ned and Jed. But Sir Horace is an old ghost and suits of armor don't move very fast. Ned and Jed dodged about, laughing. "Ooh, missed!" said Ned--or was it Jed? "Missed again!" chortled Jed--or was it Ned? "Stop!" yelled Mathilda. Ned and Jed stopped and Sir Horace stomped off grumpily. They began to follow him, walking in the stiff-legged way that Sir Horace walks. But I jumped in front of them and said, "If you follow Sir Horace like that you will be sorry. " "Ooh, " they laughed. "We are so scared. " "You will be very sorry, " I told them sternly. And then I tried out my newest expression-- Cross-eyed Giant Transylvanian Vampire Bat About to Bite. I don't know why, but they laughed. It was extremely rude. But then Wanda did some thing quite unexpected.
Wanda's dad, Barry, is a magician, and she has learned quite a few tricks from him. Wanda doesn't do them very often, but when she does they are really good. She slipped a small bag out of her pocket and put it in her hand. Ned and Jed were so busy laughing that they did not notice. Then she went up to them and said, "Leave Sir Horace alone or else--" which got them laughing even more. "Or else what?" they cackled. "Or else this!" Suddenly Wanda clapped her hands together. There was a big bang and a loud flash and lots of green smoke. Ned and Jed yelled and ran off. "That showed them, " said Wanda, dusting her hands off. Sometimes I am glad that Wanda Wizzard is my friend.