GHOUL SCHOOL
David Elvar
Copyright 2009 David Elvar
~oOo~
ONE
Clunk!
Rumble-rumble-rumble.
THUD!
'Mi-iss!'
'Yes, Jodie. What is it?'
'Naomi's head has fallen off again.'
Miss Wormwood turned from the blackboard to look sternly at them.
'Again?' she said. 'How many times is that this week?'
'Three, Biss,' said another voice.
'And how many times have I told you, Kate, to blow your noses before speaking? Honestly, it's so difficult to understand you, sometimes!'
'I can't helb it,' Kate protested weakly. 'By doses are always bunged ub. By the tibe I've fiddished blowigg one, the other deeds blowigg.'
'It's true, Miss!' Jodie added. 'You should hear her at night in the dorm!'
'All right, all right!' said Miss Wormwood. 'I suppose I should be thankful you only have two noses. Any more and I daresay I wouldn't be able to understand a single word. Just do your best in future, okay?'
'Yes, Biss.'
'Er?hello-o-o!' said yet another voice. 'Head in need of a little help here.'
'Well, where are you?' snapped Miss Wormwood. 'Speak up, girl!'
'I'm under a desk.'
'How helpful. She's under a desk in a classroom full of desks. Did you see which way your head rolled when it fell off?'
'No, I had my eyes closed.'
'Oh, even more helpful!'
'It's not my fault!' Naomi wailed. 'I didn't want to get dust in them! Dust makes my eyes go red and puffy, and red and puffy eyes are so last year.'
'Along with just about everything else, it seems. Well, I suppose we'll have to search for you. Jodie, Kate, get cracking. Find Naomi's head for her.'
They started searching. They searched in the corner. Naomi's head wasn't there. They searched near the stationery cupboard. Naomi's head wasn't there, either. They searched everywhere. And while they were searching, Naomi was complaining.
'Hello-o-o!' she was saying. 'Head waiting to be found here. Come on, people! Just how long does it take to find a head, anyway? I hope you're going to dust me off when you finally get around to picking me up because it's, like, so dirty down here and-'
'Got you!' said Jodie.
She yanked an annoyed expression up by the hair. The complaining, though, didn't stop.
'Ow! You're hurting me! You know, I hope you're going to brush my hair before you put me back on my body because you've really messed it up and-'
'Enough already!' cried Miss Wormwood. 'Jodie, put Naomi's head back where it belongs and then maybe we can get on with this lesson?'
Jodie did as she was asked, and Miss Wormwood had three whole students sitting in front of her again, three whole students who seemed to cause her more trouble than the rest of the school put together.
'That, Naomi, is the third time this week your head has fallen off,' she said. 'You really must find a way to deal with this problem.'
'Oh? You have a suggestion?'
'Well?can't you carry it under your arm or something?'
'Under my arm! That is so last year!'
'I'm sure it is. But it might just stop my lessons being disrupted. Now, may we continue?'
'Yes, Miss,' said Naomi quietly.
'Yes, Miss,' said Jodie quietly.
'Yes, Biss,' said Kate quietly and nasally.
Miss Wormwood turned back to the blackboard. The three friends looked at each other and sighed then settled down to listen to her droning on about the care and cultivation of boils, and to wait, as always, for the lunchtime bell to ring.
TWO
'I wudder what's for ludch,' said Kate as they hurried down the corridor to the school cafeteria.
'Probably the usual slop,' said Jodie.
'Probably the usual slime,' said Naomi.
'We hope!' they both said together, and they laughed.
'Whatever it is, we'd better be quigg eatigg it,' said Kate. 'Rebember we've got to go and see the headbaster.'
'I do remember,' said Jodie. 'I wonder what he wants.'
'I'll wonder that after I've eaten,' said Naomi. 'I'm starving!'
They pushed their way into the cafeteria. It was a big place, with walls covered in pictures of past headmasters and not a few food stains. The three friends lined up at the counter, each grabbing a tray as she passed.
'What have we got?' said Kate. 'I hobe it's Eyeball Stew.'
'We had Eyeball Stew yesterday,' said Jodie, 'and we never have the same thing for lunch two days running.'
'Oh, maybe it's my favourite, then,' said Naomi excitedly. 'Maybe it's Stuffed Maggots.'
'No, I don't see any Stuffed Maggots but?oh, no-o-o-o-oo!'
'What is it?' said Naomi. 'Tell me!'
'It's Pizza,' Jodie whispered hoarsely. 'I can't believe it, they're giving us Pizza!'
'That's awful,' said Naomi.
'That's disgustigg,' said Kate.
'That's what you've got,' said a voice from behind the counter.
They looked up. There before them stood a lunch lady. There before them stood the head lunch lady, whose way of dealing with complaining students was well known to them all.
'Any complaints?' she went on.
'Er?no,' said Jodie. 'Pizza will be fine, won't it, guys.'
They sort of mumbled agreement and shuffled along the counter to be served. There, another lunch lady was waiting for them.
'Not much for me, thank you,' said Jodie. 'I'm not hungry today.'
'Nor me,' said Naomi glumly.
'Dor be,' said Kate just as glumly.
The lunch lady served them each with a small slice of Pizza.
'Pudding?' she said next.
'What is it today?' said Naomi. 'Something nice, I hope.'
'It's Mustard Custard. I take it you at least like Mustard Custard.'
At the sound of those two magical words, the three friends suddenly seemed to find their appetites.
'We do indeed like Mustard Custard!' said Jodie.
'Very buch!' said Kate.
'Well, what a pity you're not hungry today, then,' said the lunch lady.
'Er?not so not hungry that we'd refuse Mustard Custard,' Jodie retorted quickly.
'That's right,' said Naomi. 'And you wouldn't want us to miss our favourite pudding, would you.'
'All right, you win. One thing, though,' she added as she started ladling dollops of thick yellow sludge into dishes. 'One of my teeth fell out earlier and I'm not sure where it went, so if you suddenly find yourself crunching on something hard, you know where to find me. Okay?'
'Okay,' said Jodie.
'Okay,' said Naomi.
'Ogay,' said Kate.
As they left to find a table, Naomi stopped and gazed down into the cauldron.
'Isn't that your tooth?' she said.
The lunch lady followed her gaze. 'Where? I can't see it.'
'There,' said Naomi, leaning closer. All at once, Jodie realised the danger.
'Naomi!' she yelled. 'Don't-!'
But-
Splash!
-it was too late. Jodie, Kate and the lunch lady looked down into the cauldron to see a surprised face gazing back up at them.
'Oh, dice,' said the one. 'Right id the Bustard Custard.'
THREE
'Is that Mustard Custard I see in your hair, Naomi?'
The three friends glanced uneasily at each other. They were in the headmaster's study, a dark and dingy place that looked as though it hadn't been dusted in years. And if the rest of the school was anything to go by, it probably hadn't.
'Um?yes, sir,' Naomi said eventually.
'Really?' he said. 'Another food fight in the cafete
ria?'
'Um?no, sir,' said Naomi.
'We haven't had a food fight in ages, sir,' said Jodie.
'Dobody's throwd a thigg id weegs,' Kate added.
'Is that so!' said the headmaster. 'I must get the prefects to organise something. Now, you're probably all wondering why you're here.'
The three friends glanced at each other again. They could think of lots of reasons why they were there.
'If it's about me using toenail clippings in the crunchy biscuits I made in Cookery,' said Jodie, 'I can explain that.'
'Toenail clippings are a recognised ingredient in this school,' said the headmaster. 'So no, it's not that.'
'If it's about me organising a burping contest for the first year students,' said Naomi, 'I can explain that.'
'Burping contests are a school tradition,' said the headmaster. 'So no, it's not that.'
'If it's about be puttigg used tissues back id the box,' said Kate, 'I cad explaid that.'
'Recycling used tissues is school policy,' said the headmaster. 'So no, it's not that. No, I asked you here because, well, I take it you're aware of the friendly rivalry between this school and Alchemy Academy?'
They nodded. They did indeed know of it. They also knew it was a friendly rivalry that was sometimes not so friendly.
'Then you will also know of the annual competition between our two schools.'
They nodded again. Last year's had been a competition being to see who could come up with the slimiest object. The Academy's greased slug had been soundly beaten by their dish of boiled bogeys.
'Well, this year,' the headmaster went on, 'they've decided to try something a little different. This year-' He paused impressively. '-this year, they've decided to hold a fashion competition.'
The three friends gaped at him. A fashion competition!
'Er?I hate to have to point this out, sir,' said Jodie, 'but doesn't a fashion competition involve being elegant and fashionable?'
'It does,' he said.
'And aren't we here at Ghoul School to be horrible and disgusting and not elegant and fashionable?'
'You are,' said the headmaster. 'And that's why I think you three will be so perfect for this. You're so hideously inelegant and unfashionable that if you can win, the whole school can win.'
'I am not unfashionable!' Naomi snapped. 'I'm the most fashionable person I know!'
'Then you really will be perfect!' cried the headmaster. 'And if you win, the whole school gets an extra day's holiday in the mud pool.'
'An extra?Count me in!' said Naomi. 'There's just one small problem, though.'
'Really? And what's that?'
'Er?it's nothing,' Jodie said quickly as she grabbed her friend by the arm. 'Really.'
'It's not nothing,' said Naomi. 'It's-'
'-dice to thingk we'll be gettigg extra tibe in the bud pool,' said Kate as she grabbed her friend by the other arm.
'Will you let go!' Naomi shouted. 'This is important!'
'What's important?' said the headmaster, puzzled.
'Nothing! Really!' said Jodie as she dragged her friend to the door.
'Let me go!' Naomi was screaming now 'You know what'll happen!'
'What?' said the headmaster. 'What will happen?'
But it was too late-
Clunk!
Rumble-rumble-rumble.
Thud!
-her head fell off and rolled across the floor to stop at his feet. He looked down at it.
'Ah?er?yes,' he said. 'I see what you mean.'
FOUR
'Never mind three times in a week,' said Jodie that night in the dormitory, 'that's three times in a day!'
'And right id front of the headbaster, too,' Kate added.
'I know,' sighed Naomi. 'It does seem to be getting worse, I have to say. But loose heads run in the family, along with black warts, smelly feet and hairy armpits.'
'I wish I had hairy arbpits,' said Kate. 'They would go so well with by hairy doses.'
'Oh, you're learning to co-ordinate at last!' said Naomi. 'I'm so pleased.'
'Excuse me, people!' said Jodie. 'We have a fashion show coming up and we don't have time to discuss hairy noses. We have got to win this one, I want that extra day in the mud pool. So answers, please, to Naomi's head-falling-off problem!'
They lay in their beds thinking. And as they lay there thinking, they came up with one idea after another, and found something wrong with and had to throw out one idea after another.
'We could get a habber and dails,' said Kate. 'Thed we could dail her head od.'
'And what if you don't hammer the nails in all the way and you leave some sticking out?' said Naomi. 'Nails sticking out of one's neck is so last year.'
'I wish that fashion would come round again,' said Jodie wistfully. 'It gave me somewhere to hang my socks.'
'How about if we tape my head to my neck?' said Naomi. 'I mean if we get hold of some of the invisible stuff-'
'Think what it'll do to your skin when you come to peel it off!' said Jodie.
'And you've already got eduff dasty barks and blisters od your skid,' Kate added.
'You speak for yourself!' said Naomi. 'One can never have enough nasty marks and blisters on one's skin.'
And so it went on, until the candle had burned down most of its length and Naomi was yawning sleepily.
'I'm tired,' she said. 'Can't we leave this until the morning? I need my ugly sleep.'
'We won't have time!' Jodie snapped. 'We've got double Nightmare Knitting and you know what old Wormwood is like if she thinks we're not paying attention.'
'But I'm so tired.'
'Be, too,' said Kate.
'Oh, all right!' Jodie snapped. 'You two just go to sleep and leave it all to me as usual! Go on! I'll see you in the morning.'
'Night,' said Naomi.
'Dight,' said Kate.
Soon, the dorm was filled with loud snoring. But Jodie wasn't joining in. Jodie was lying in her bed and thinking. More than that, Jodie was hatching a plan. She was hatching it even as she finally drifted off into a sleep of her own and some very pleasant bad dreams?
FIVE
Next morning in class, they sat waiting patiently for Miss Wormwood to arrive. She was late but that was almost expected of teachers at Ghoul School and was certainly expected of the students.
'I wonder where she is,' Naomi said as she toyed idly with a cockroach that had just crawled out of her desk.
'Probably got lost od the way,' said Kate, eyeing the cockroach hungrily. 'You doe what she's like for gettigg lost.'
'I do. What do you think, Jodie? Should we go and find her?'
'Ur-r-rh?' said a sleepy voice.
'I said-' Naomi stopped playing with her cockroach to glance up at her friend. 'Were you asleep?'
'Ur-r-rh?' the voice said again. 'What?'
'Never mind. What's up? Didn't sleep very well?'
Jodie lifted her head up and shook it into waking. 'No, I spent most of the night thinking about your head problem. And I think I may have cracked it.'
'Which, head or problem?'
'Problem, silly! Do either of you know where we can get some string?'
'Strigg?' Kate repeated.
'Yes! String!'
Kate and Naomi glanced at each other. Each was thinking the same thing.
'Didn't we discuss this last night-?' said the one.
'-and thought baybe it wasn't such a good idea?' said the other.
'Only because of how we were thinking of tying Naomi's head on,' said Jodie, 'and I've had second thoughts and come up with a better plan. Help me find some string and I'll show you what I mean.'
They couldn't help it, their glances strayed to the stationery cupboard where Miss Wormwood kept all the things she needed for her lessons, things like chalk, paper, blood remover and handcuffs. It was also strictly out of bounds to students.
'I will if you will,' said Jodie.
'I will if you and Kate will,' said Naomi.
'I will od
ly if I have to,' said Kate.
'You do,' said Jodie. 'Come on.'
They sidled towards the cupboard, heard the door give a satisfying creak as it opened, and peered inside.
'Lots of cobwebs,' Naomi observed.
'She grows them specially,' said Jodie. 'I must ask her how she does it. Now, what do we have here??'
They rummaged quickly and quietly, careful not to leave anything out of place. They rummaged through pencils, finger-traps, half a bottle of beetle-juice-
'She drinks beetle-juice?' exclaimed Naomi. 'No wonder this cupboard is out of bounds!'
-some strands of hair (Whose? wondered Jodie), some bones from a human who'd strayed too far into the grounds-
'I rebember hib,' said Kate. 'He was delicious.'
-until finally, at the very bottom of the cupboard, they saw it, a tightly wound ball of the answer to their problem.
'Gotcha!' Jodie yelled as she grabbed it.
'Dot a bobent too sood,' said Kate. 'I thigk I hear footstebs.'
Jodie thrust the precious strung into her school jacket and they rushed back to their places to await the arrival of Miss Wormwood. They could hear her already, stopped outside the classroom and talking to another teacher about lesson plans or something equally boring. And as she talked, Jodie glanced anxiously at the cupboard.
'Do you suppose she'll notice?' she whispered to Naomi.
'It's a bit late to worry about that now,' Naomi whispered back.
'I suppose you're right,' Jodie whispered again. 'Just act normally, do whatever it was we were doing before we?you know?'
Naomi nodded agreement. She looked down at her desk to continue her game and noticed something not quite right.
'Hey!' she said. 'Where's my cockroach gone?'
No one answered. She looked up accusingly at her friends, looked up just in time to see Kate stop chewing.
SIX
The lesson was long and boring. But the bell eventually sounded, they gathered their things together and found themselves gratefully out in the corridor. Jodie had managed to transfer the precious ball of string from under her school jacket to her schoolbag, and though said schoolbag now had a suspicious bulge in it, Miss Wormwood hadn't noticed. She'd just dismissed them and watched them go, her glance darting now and then to the stationary cupboard and, probably, her bottle of beetle-juice. The next class, they'd all agreed, would have a slightly slurred teacher to deal with.