When he finally came, he started to cry again. I held him tenderly in my arms. We lay there together, both breathing hard, returning to ourselves.
“I have to take care of Park now,” he said. “The view in front is very foggy.” He was talking about how unpredictable their future was now.
“You’ll be all right,” I said. I had his hand in both of mine and I squeezed it. “What about your pa? Is he going to—”
“No.”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know.” He laughed a little to himself, bitterly. “My heart is so wounded that I’m vomiting blood. And he disappears, as usual, with another new girlfriend. My whole life, he’s never been around, never helped my ma out. I always had to be the man of the family, for Park, for Ma.” His voice cracked. “I can tell you, I am never going to be like him. I’ll be there for my own wife and kids through everything.”
That reminded me of his other responsibility. Although it jabbed my heart, I tried to sound nonchalant. “What about Vivian?”
“I never even told her he was alive.”
“No. I meant, what about Vivian and you?”
He gently stroked my temple. “No more Vivian. The moment Ma collapsed from her heart attack, I immediately knew that all I wanted was you. I had to see you. It’s always been you.”
I couldn’t keep the resentment from my voice. “It seemed to be Vivian for a long time.”
He turned away from me and stared at the cracked ceiling. “It was nice not to be treated like I had chicken pox for a change.”
I said stiffly, “That was only because I liked you.”
Now, in profile, I saw him smile. “Really? Sometimes I allowed myself to believe that. But all you did after we . . . umm, you know, in the bathroom that time . . . was ignore me.”
“You had a girlfriend, remember?”
“Well, it didn’t really help me get less confused. I’m not like you, Kimberly. I’m just a stupid guy. I’m not some hero from a kung fu movie come to save you from your life.”
“You don’t need to rescue us. I’m going to do it.”
He laughed. “I know, and you will too. Hey, and what about that wave-player you were with?” He meant the playboy, someone who frolics in the waves. At this, his nostrils flared. “If you let him touch you again, I’m going to twist his head all the way around.”
“Let’s keep things simple,” I said. “Just the two of us from now on.”
After he’d gone and I was trying to get the stains out of the blankets so Ma wouldn’t suspect anything when she came home, I stopped short, my hands flying to my mouth. There were the condoms. I should have known. The two condoms had rubbed against each other and they’d both torn. What a stupid idea of mine it’d been. Neither of us had even noticed.
THIRTEEN
Ma and I had been waiting for the decisions from the colleges to come, so we weren’t surprised when Aunt Paula called us into her office again. Her face was still and white underneath the foundation and powder. On the table in front of her were two fat envelopes from Yale. I stopped breathing for a moment. A rejection letter would be thin. One white business envelope was stuffed with documents and it was accompanied by a large yellow manila envelope, also from Yale.
“How is this possible?” Aunt Paula asked quietly.
“What?” Ma and I asked together.
“That Kimberly applied to Yeah-loo without my knowledge and permission.” “Yeah-loo” is the Cantonese pronunciation of “Yale.”
“Your permission?” I echoed, incredulous.
“I signed a legal document guaranteeing the both of you when I brought you here. I am responsible for you, and you are living in one of my apartments and working at my factory. You are not supposed to take one step without telling me.”
Despite my resolve to stay calm, my voice sounded furious. “Are you saying that you would have helped me if you’d known? Like you would have helped me with Harrison?”
“Of course! Everything I do is in your best interest.”
Ma tried to calm us both down. “Older sister, we don’t even know if Kimberly got in or not. Let’s not get overwrought.”
“Open that letter,” Aunt Paula said.
I would have defied her but I was desperate to know what was in it as well. I slit open the white business envelope. It contained a few forms and a cover letter. I read the letter aloud, simultaneously translating it into Chinese for Ma. My voice had a quaver in it. “ ‘Congratulations. You have been accepted . . .’ ”
Ma sat down abruptly in the chair across from Aunt Paula.
“You cannot go to Yeah-loo! I do not allow it!” Aunt Paula burst out.
I ignored her and opened the other envelope as well. It contained the financial aid documents. They’d given me a full financial aid package.
I clutched both envelopes to me, my cheeks burning like I had a fever. “Ma.”
She had her hands across her mouth, trying to contain both laughter and tears of joy. She got up and took me in her arms. I couldn’t stop hopping up and down, I was so excited.
Ma squeezed me tightly. “You did it. I always said you were special.”
“If people saw this display of sentimentality, their flesh would feel as if it’d been anesthetized.” Aunt Paula’s voice brought us back to reality. She meant it was embarrassing to see us acting this way.
Ma released me and turned to face her. “Ah-Kim has the right to go to whichever school she wants to. She’s earned it.”
Aunt Paula looked stunned; then she said, “Your hearts have no roots.” She meant we were ungrateful. To my astonishment, she started to sob. “I made myself an abandoned animal to open up the route to America for us.”
Ma walked around the desk to Aunt Paula and laid a hand on her shoulder. Aunt Paula shook Ma off. Her face, although still wet, was livid. “You always did whatever made you happy. Happy! How much rice can you earn with happiness? Marrying your principal, shirking your responsibilities. I took up your burden for you! I married Bob!”
“I would never have asked you to do that.” Ma’s low voice was gentle. “I thought you cared for him.”
“What did I know? I was just a young girl.” Tears began to run down Aunt Paula’s face again. “You don’t know how many hardships I’ve suffered to get to where we are now.”
“But that doesn’t give you the right to treat us the way you have,” I said quietly. I felt compassion for Aunt Paula too, but a calm anger had grown in me the entire time she was speaking and pitying herself.
Ma gasped, but I was no longer under her control. I was still drawn along in the wake of emotion of having been accepted by Yale. I had found a new apartment and all of the paperwork had been finalized, except for the character reference for Ma. I knew we could break our ties with Aunt Paula now, and that knowledge allowed me to speak the truth.
Aunt Paula wiped her face with her sleeve, smearing her eyeliner. “Your teeth are sharp and your mouth is keen.”
“Fake kindness, fake etiquette is all you’ve shown us.”
“How dare you give me so little face?”
I stared at her. “Face or no face doesn’t matter in America. What matters is who you really are.”
“America! If I hadn’t brought you here, you’d still be in Hong Kong. I even gave you another address so you could go to a better school.”
“You did that because it’s illegal for us to be living where we are.”
Aunt Paula clenched her jaw. She hadn’t realized how much I now knew about the way things worked.
Ma tried to intervene. “Older sister, you’ve helped us a great deal, but maybe it’s time we stopped depending on you so much.”
I continued as if Ma hadn’t spoken. “Just like it’s illegal for you to pay us by the piece here at the factory.”
“After everything I’ve done for you, you speak to me like this. You treat the human heart like a dog’s lung.” But her manner was more regretful than angry, which meant she
was getting scared.
I rose to my full height. I wasn’t quite as tall as Aunt Paula but I was much taller than Ma by then. “You should be ashamed of yourself for putting us in that apartment all these years. And for making us work here, under these conditions. After we fell down a well, you dropped a boulder on top of us.”
Ma had kept her eyes down, but now she looked up and slowly nodded in agreement. “Older sister, I cannot understand why you have treated us like this.”
Aunt Paula was sputtering. “I gave you work and shelter! And this is how you repay my human currency.” The currency of humanity is kindness. “I brought you here! That is a life debt, one you can never repay.”
“You should think about your own life debt, to the gods,” I retorted.
Aunt Paula had had enough and she pulled out her final card. “I wouldn’t want to take advantage of you. If you think I’ve treated you badly, you can leave. Leave the factory and move out of the apartment.” She said the words with gravity, then waited for us to beg her to reconsider.
Ma’s hands were trembling but she managed to smile. “In fact, ah-Kim has found us an apartment, in Queens.”
Aunt Paula’s eyes popped.
“We’ve already repaid our debts to you,” Ma said. When I heard her words, I knew we were freed of Aunt Paula forever. I met Ma’s eyes, and saw she was ready to leave.
I spoke to Aunt Paula. “If you do anything to hinder us in any way, I will report you to the authorities.”
And we walked out of there, leaving Aunt Paula gaping in her little office at the factory.
I had a blurred impression of the other workers staring at our departure as we got our things from the finishing area and then started for the exit. Matt caught my arm as I passed by and I paused for a moment to whisper, “It’s all right, come find me later,” and then Ma and I were out of the factory and on the street, hurrying toward the subway. A cool breeze blew against my hair.
“Are you all right, Ma?” I had been ready for this step long before. This was what I’d been working toward. I just didn’t know how Ma felt about losing her only family except for me.
She sighed. “Yes. I am afraid but I feel light too. Even if Aunt Paula bathed in grapefruit water, she wouldn’t be able to wash the guilt off. It is time for us to make our own way.”
I squeezed her arm. “Mother and cub.”
As soon as we got back to the apartment, I phoned Mrs. Avery and told her we’d had a disagreement with my aunt after I’d been accepted to Yale with a full financial aid package, and we therefore needed to move out of our current apartment as soon as possible.
There was a silence. Then Mrs. Avery spoke. “First of all, a huge congratulations to you, Kimberly! I am sure that the owners will have no problems accepting a tenant who has such a bright future, and I will give you both the character recommendation myself.”
Now our greatest worry was how we would manage to earn the rice until I graduated and had more free time to work for us. If we couldn’t find a new source of income quickly, we would lose the apartment.
Later that day, the doorbell rang.
“Who could that be?” Ma asked as I flew downstairs to open the door.
When I walked into our apartment with Matt, Ma’s mouth went from a surprised “O” to a calm smile of acceptance.
Matt could look around our apartment more carefully this time. There was no pity on his face, just understanding. He put his arm around me and said, “I could help you put some new glass into the window frames here.”
I leaned against him. “We may be leaving soon, but I’ll tell you the story later.”
He chatted with Ma over a cup of tea. Aside from keeping as far as possible from any places insects could crawl on him, he seemed perfectly at home. I felt I had to be dreaming to have Matt here in our apartment, lighting up the bare kitchen with his beauty.
After chatting for a few minutes with Ma, he asked, “Would it be all right if I took Kimberly to Chinatown for a bowl of a wonton soup? I promise I’ll take care of her.”
I opened my mouth to protest that I didn’t need anyone’s care but Ma was already smiling.
“You two go out and get a moon tan,” she said teasingly, meaning a stroll under the moonlight.
“Ma,” I said, not daring to look at Matt.
“I trust the two of you not to do anything stupid. Don’t come back too late.”
I couldn’t believe I was actually on a date with Matt and that I hadn’t had to lie to Ma about it. The moment we got outside, Matt kissed me. Some of the guys on the street hooted.
When Matt pulled back, his eyes were dark. “You have such an effect on me, I’m riding the dizzying waves.”
I sighed and laid my cheek against his shoulder.
On the way to Chinatown, I filled him in on most of what had happened with Aunt Paula and the new apartment. I deliberately avoided telling him about Yale, deciding to wait until we were seated somewhere quieter.
The café was packed. Everyone there was Chinese. In those days, the cafés with the best food hadn’t been discovered by tourists yet, and if a white person did somehow venture in, the waiter called “Red beard, blue eyes” along with the order so that the cook could adapt the dish for Western tastes.
We stood in a long line of people waiting to be served. A counter ran along the length of the wall beside us, crowded with people who wanted to place take-out orders. Several waitresses behind the counter were packing food in plastic cartons into bags.
“Ah-Matt, what are you doing, hiding here?” A short balding waiter was at Matt’s elbow, beaming at us. “Get out of there, follow me.”
Despite the glares of the other patrons, we were pulled out of line and led to a small table at the end of the restaurant. Another waiter greeted Matt by name, then hurried over to clear off the dishes from our table.
Matt grinned and said, “Thanks, ah-Ho. Hey, ah-Gong, don’t break any plates now.”
Our waiter glanced at me, recognizing that I wasn’t Vivian, but was too polite to say anything. Our bowls of wonton soup were large and filled with homemade noodles and tender pastry wrapped around meat.
I used my spoon to skim off a few scallions floating on top and poured them into my mouth. “It has been so long since I’ve had this.”
“They’re the best in Chinatown,” Matt said.
“Do you come here a lot?” I couldn’t stop myself from picturing him here with Vivian every night.
“No, I almost never get to eat here. I know these guys because I used to wash dishes here, in the back.”
“When was that?”
“A while ago, just to earn a few extra cents when I wasn’t at the factory.”
“Why didn’t you stand by tables?”
“I still looked too young. And then I got the Italian delivery job.”
I caught sight of my reflection in the gold-flecked mirror behind him. I was glowing with happiness. I couldn’t believe I was sitting with Matt, hearing about his life, and that he belonged to me. I looked down at his hand resting on the tabletop: a square hand with reddened knuckles, a workman’s hand, the most special thing I’d ever seen. I took it in both of mine and laid it against my cheek.
He closed his eyes for a moment. “Sometimes, I was out with . . . not with you, and I’d suddenly see your face in front of me or remember something you’d said. But I thought you didn’t like me in that way. You were so distant and you went to that fancy private school. I knew you were going places, you weren’t just a dumb factory kid like me.”
“Is that why you picked Vivian over me?”
“I didn’t know you were a choice or I would have picked you for sure. Viv, she really depended on me. I couldn’t imagine you needing anyone.”
My heart contracted. I forced myself to say the words. “I need you too.”
His eyes, shadowed from all his recent grief, lit up. “Really?”
“When I’m with you, I could drink water and I’d be full. So why di
d you finally come to me?”
“When we kissed in the bathroom at the factory, it gave me hope for the first time. But then you just ignored me again and I couldn’t figure it out. I told myself it’d been a one-time thing, that your heart was somewhere else. But when . . .” He paused, not wanting to say the words about his mother’s death. “. . . I didn’t care if you liked me or not anymore. I feel terrible about it but I didn’t care about Vivian either. I just had to see you.”
“You told me your climbing couldn’t reach my heights.”
He stared at his soup. “It’s true. I can’t compare to you.”
“I took that to mean you didn’t want to be with me, that you wanted to stay with Vivian instead.”
“You thought it was an excuse?”
“Yes.”
“I just needed more time to figure it out. When I’m with you, I can’t think, especially after I’ve been kissing you. But I did feel guilty about Vivian too. I don’t want to be like my pa. And you are too good for me.”
I couldn’t bear it any longer. “I’ve just been accepted to Yeah-loo.”
He took a sharp breath. “Wow. Really? Congratulations.” He looked genuinely happy for me, but confused as well. “What does this mean? Are you going to move out of New York?”
The words came out in a rush. “If you want, you and Park can come with me. It may take me some time, but someday I’ll take you away from all of this.”
He was quiet, looking at me. “How about if I don’t want to be rescued?”
I leaned on one elbow and stared at him. “You want to live out the rest of your life in Chinatown?”
“Why not? I like it here—great food, low rent . . .”