Page 29
Author: Lisa De Jong
“I love you. ”
“Again,” I demand, closing my eyes to savor her sweet voice.
“I love you. ” I can’t take the little bit of distance between us anymore as I crush my lips to hers. At first she doesn’t react, and the heaviness starts to build in my chest again. I keep my eyes locked on her lips as I pull back in defeat. She was all mine, and now she’s not, and it’s my fault. She doesn’t want me anymore. She says she loves me. She says she needs me, but sometimes that’s just not enough.
“Dane. ” I hesitantly look up, waiting to hear whatever she has to say. “Don’t you ever hurt me like that again. I’ll stay, but you have to promise not to push me away. ”
“I can’t promise I’ll never hurt you, but I can promise to never intentionally hurt you like that again. I’m sorry,” I say, searching her eyes for any clue that she’s going to give me another chance. A part of me wants to point out that I gave her a second chance once, but I know we’ve grown past that and bringing it up won’t help us move forward.
Nolan chooses this moment to walk into the room, his cell phone in his hand. “They want to know which funeral home will be handling Mom’s arrangements. ” He stands there, looking at me. He’s been like stone all day. He’s locking stuff up inside and I know it’s going to get him eventually.
I can’t give him an answer. I’ve been in shock all day and I can’t think straight. I’m not ready to plan my mom’s funeral. “Tell them you’ll call them back in a few minutes,” Alex answers for me. Nolan nods and walks back into the bedroom.
“Do you have a place in mind?” Alex asks, grabbing my hand in hers.
I shake my head. I don’t know anything about planning a funeral. If my dad were still around, he’d be doing this. My mom has no family to speak of, and Nolan looks to me for everything. I had to grow up the day my dad left, and my mom disappeared inside herself, and for once I wish I had someone to take care of me.
“Do you want me to find one?” she asks, wiping fresh tears from my face with her free hand.
I nod, unable to put into words how much she means to me. God, if I lose this girl…
“Is there anything you want me to ask them?” she asks, searching my eyes.
“I just want to make sure everything is perfect. I don’t care how much it costs. I just want everything to be perfect,” I say, wiping another tear from my face. I’ve never felt so miserable and lost. I think God has a plan for all of us; I’m just not sure what he’s trying to do to me right now.
I watch Alex as she walks over to my desk to do some research on the computer. I watch her squint at the screen between jotting notes down on a piece of paper. I don’t think the Alex I met back in January would be able to do this for me. She’s grown so much, but I feel like I’m going backwards. She has gained strength while I have let weakness reenter my life.
They said my mom had a heart attack in her sleep. She probably didn’t even know what was happening to her, they said, but the thought of her going to bed one night thinking she was going to wake up in the morning, kills me. I wonder if she’d been sick. Maybe there was a sign I missed and I should have told her to go to the doctor. Who am I kidding? I wasn’t even on speaking terms with my mom when she died. I can’t dwell on it, though. The guilt will eat me up inside. Guilt is just the verification of a conscience; it doesn’t help any situation because it builds from things that happened in the past. I can’t do anything with the past. It’s my history, set in stone.
“She needs to be buried next to Jenna,” I blurt. My mom went on and on about how she would be reunited with Jenna some day. I’m not sure if this is what she had in mind, but I’m going to give her the best I can. For her, and for Jenna.
Alex drops her pen and comes to sit next to me again. “Where’s she buried?” she asks, wrapping her arms around my shoulders.
“I don’t know the name, but it’s in my old neighborhood. ” I haven’t been to her grave since I was younger. The day she was lowered into the ground was the last time my mom stepped foot anywhere near there. I think it hurt too much for her to let go of her one and only daughter, but I would ride my bike there every Sunday and put dandelions on her grave. Jenna used to love dandelions; to her they were beautiful flowers, not weeds. I miss her view on things, her ability to find the good in everything. She was, obviously, the glue that held my family together because when she was gone, we lost everything.
“Would you be able to find it if we drove there?” she asks hesitantly, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“Yeah, I’m just not up to it right now, you know?” I reply, running my hands through my hair. This whole week has been a goddamn nightmare.
“I’m going to step into the bedroom and make some calls for the funeral arrangements. We’ll sort out the gravesite details tomorrow, okay?” I nod and stare at her back as she walks away. I’m grateful for everything she’s doing, but all I want to do right now is take her to the bedroom, hold her close to me, and never let her go. Right now, I don’t even know if that’s our bedroom anymore.
As soon as she walks into the bedroom, Nolan walks out, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “Is everything ready to go?” he asks, sitting on the couch.
“Yeah, Alex is taking care of it,” I reply, placing my hand on his shoulder. “How are you holding up?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I loved Mom. . . I mean, I love her, but I feel like I never really knew her. She was sick from the time I can remember until the day I moved out of the house. I know I should feel something more than I am, but all I feel is numbness. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about what I’m not feeling and concentrate on what I do. I miss her smile. I miss the way she used to bail me out of everything. I miss how she always asked how I was doing whenever she saw me. And, I’ll miss her cooking,” he smiles, although it’s a sad one.
“You know she loved you, right? Even if she didn’t always show it, she loved you,” I say, causing my own eyes to well up with tears again. I watch as he finally breaks, holding his head in his hands, fingers coiled tightly in his hair. I can’t sit and watch him without falling apart myself. We have a special bond that will hold us tight forever. We’ve been through more than most people have to face their whole life, and somehow we still came out okay. We struggle every day, but in the end it will be okay.
We’re both so lost that I don’t hear Alex come back in the room. When I finally look up, she’s standing in front of me with tears rolling down her face. I didn’t notice earlier, but she’s wearing a green dress and she looks pretty. I wonder where she was today. Would she have come back if it weren’t for this?
The rest of the night is a blur. Alex makes some sandwiches for supper, but no one really eats. She throws a movie in, but no one really watches it. Our eyes are fixated on the screen, but we don’t react when we should. We’re all here, but our minds are somewhere else.
Nolan falls asleep on the couch, and I sit next to Alex, pulling her legs onto my lap, wondering where we go from here. I’m afraid to look at her because I’m waiting for her to tell me she’s leaving. I would sit here, in this room for days if it meant she was still by my side.
“Are you tired?” she asks, startling me.
I cautiously look at her, trying to get a sense for what she feels by taking in the lines on her face. “I could go to sleep,” I say, never breaking eye contact.
She stands and grabs my hand, leading me to the bedroom. After she shuts the door, she turns to me, slowly lifting my t-shirt over my head. When she reaches for the button of my pants, my breath hitches. Her touch is like fire on my skin; it always ignites so much feeling in me. She slides my pants down my legs, so all that remain are my boxer briefs. I feel my chest moving up and down rapidly as I watch her, watching me.
She uses her fingertips to trace a tiny heart over my chest. I close my eyes and swallow, feeling her so
ft, warm lips connect with my skin, right where her fingers had been. “Go lay in bed,” she whispers.
I stand stuck in place, staring at her. I don’t want her to leave…I need her to stay. “Stay,” I say hoarsely, cupping one side of her face in my hand.
I watch her close her eyes as she leans into my touch. “I never left,” she whispers. She pulls her dress over her head and goes to my dresser to get a t-shirt, pulling it on before coming to stand in front of me again. “Let’s go to bed. ”
She crawls in first, holding her arms out to me. I cradle into her side, letting her hold me for once. “I don’t deserve you. I thought you were gone forever,” I say, resting my hand on her hip.
“You can push me away, but I’m not going anywhere. What happened with Reid, I’m sorry, but you have to know I didn’t do anything, and I would never do that to you,” she says, running her fingers through my hair.
“I’m sorry. I should have listened to you,” I reply, grabbing her hand to place a kiss on her tattoo. I’m permanently a part of her; it should mean more to me.
“Why didn’t you call?” she asks.
“I needed to cool off. I gave you a glimpse of the old Dane, and I hated myself for it, and I didn’t think you would want anything to do with me,” I stop, rolling onto my back to face the ceiling. “Then everything that happened this morning…I just froze. I wanted you, but I didn’t want to guilt you into coming back. ” The first person I wanted to run to when I got that phone call was Alex.
“Hey, how did you know?” I ask. I never thought about how she knew to come here. She obviously already knew about my mom when she walked in the door.
“Nolan called me. I was actually sitting in a car with Jade, getting ready to send you a text, and my phone rang. She turned around and brought me here right away. ” She nestles herself between my arm and chest. I’m content staying like this all night. I just need her near me so I know she’s safe.