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He wondered, at times, what he might have done differently that could have changed the course of their lives. He could ponder, but he could not know. Even knowing would be of no benefit for changing the past would ever be beyond his reach. Connor Ridley, Shadows Fall
She sank a little further into the cushions as she stalled for time. She didn’t know what to say to him. That wasn’t what Lia had pictured in her head when she had thought of this moment, and she had thought about this moment off and on for years (and she was using that phrase in its literal sense). She had always known that she and Connor Ridley would be crossing paths again someday.
Of course, it had never really looked like the present situation in her planning of what to say. She had thought of the meeting in the context of holiday parties or maybe a comic con (she had even, once, planned out what to say if they bumped into each other while out shopping). That they would encounter each other because Connor had been checking up on her had never been on her list of possibilities. She wasn’t clear about how she felt about that yet. She didn’t know what to make of his failure to approach her directly.
She was willing to admit that there were a dozen different reasons why he might have chosen not to do so (the fact that he had to know that her security would have mentioned it to Meredyth being not the least of those reasons). That didn’t stop it from bothering her. It shouldn’t. She was usually pragmatic. She and Connor didn’t know each other now. He, at least, didn’t know her. She knew his writing forward and backward, and in that, she was fairly confident that she still knew him. That didn’t change the fact that it had been six years since she had seen him in person.
She had six years of playing the what I will say to Connor someday game to fall back on, and she still had nothing to say to cover this moment. He, apparently, had no idea what to say either. Thus, they were sitting on opposite ends of a sofa looking anywhere but at each other. That made for a pretty pathetic reunion between her and the man who had taught her how to tie her shoes.
She should have spent more time thinking of what she wanted to ask and how she wanted to ask it instead of focusing on worrying over whether or not her strategy for sneaking out of the house was going to work. There hadn’t been a need to worry. She should have been more confident in her planning skills. She had spent two years perfecting that plan; she had just never had a good enough reason to use it before. It would be a pity to waste it (now that she had put it into practice) as she was fairly certain it wouldn’t work more than twice (and the potential success of the second use was dicey at best).
“So,” she tried to start before being distracted by the way Connor seemed to be bracing himself for something. What was that about? Did he think she was going to start yelling at him? She would have to think about that later. She continued. “Where would you like to start?”
Well, at least he was looking at her now. She had accomplished that much. She was pretty sure she remembered that look as his confused/questioning glance.
“Start?” He drew out the word as if he was unfamiliar with its meaning. Yes, that was his confused/questioning glance. It matched the tone in which he uttered the question.
“Yes,” she answered. “Where would you like to start?” She took a deep breath and plowed forward. “Do you want to start with why you orchestrated the comic book store situation or with why I opted to show up here in response? We could even start with a thank you for what I can only assume was several years’ worth of Christmas presents because I know my purchase off the collector’s wall today cost me a lot less than what it must have cost you to get it there.”
“Lia,” he sounded awfully tired. She didn’t think he looked well. It was sad that Meredyth could still have that kind of power of him -- not that she was unfamiliar with the circumstance. “You need to know that having you end up in this was not my original intention.”
“But it turned out to be the best option that you had?” She asked him. “That’s kind of sad.” She didn’t stop herself from mentioning. He gave her that confused look again. “I don’t know exactly what’s happening, but I do overhear things. I’m also not completely inept when it comes to research. Meredyth wants Walsh Industrial Solutions to buy into Ridley Resources. If Meredyth wants to go anywhere near you, then something unpleasant is going to come of it. You obviously don’t want whatever that is to happen to your parents’ company. You need information. If trying to shift someone into my life who might overhear things or I might casually repeat things I shouldn’t in front of who can then report back to you is the best you’ve got, then that’s not exactly a brilliant plan. The fact that you had to know that there were at least even odds that you would get busted at some point means you must have been deeply desperate.”
He was looking at her with some expression that she couldn’t place. It wasn’t located anywhere in her memories for reference. She kept talking anyway. Since the words were flowing now, she didn’t want to let them get away from her. She was actually managing coherent sentences that made as much sense out loud as they did inside her head. That was way better than sitting in awkward silence.
“I figure that I have solved at least one problem for you,” she stated matter of factly. “You don’t have to worry about getting caught because I already know. I can find out what you want to know and pass it on,” she paused. “Probably through Kyle because that was a good call. Meri would be less than pleased if she knew that I was talking to you.”
“Lia . . .,” he started, but she wasn’t interested in whatever he was going to say. It didn’t matter. She just wanted to hear a yes from him.
“She’s my sister, Connor, and I love her. That doesn’t mean that I have any illusions about the person she is.” Connor started to interrupt, but she just shook her head at him and kept going. He needed to know that she knew what she was talking about. “I may still be in my sheltered adolescent years, but I know that Wyatt Walsh is questionable at best and seriously bad news at worst. Meri also knows that. She just doesn’t care. Who she is when she’s with Wyatt is who she is when he isn’t around. It’s who she wants to be.” She bit her lip to try to keep the quiver out of her voice. Just because it was the truth didn’t mean she had to like it, but she couldn’t start sniffling now. Connor would never take her seriously if she did.
“I’ve heard them talking. I know that WIS is planning on making overtures to RR. I’m not stupid. I know that there is no reason for WIS to do that if Wyatt isn’t pushing for it. I know that Wyatt wouldn’t be pushing for it if Meredyth wasn’t pushing him,” she took a breath. “I may not know why she’s doing that, but I can guess. Meredyth doesn’t make uncalculated moves. If she’s going after your family’s company to hurt you, then I won’t be surprised. I want to help.”
She watched the play of his features as they settled into something like resignation. It struck her again how tired he appeared to be. She didn’t like it.
“I don’t want to lie to you, Lia Lou,” he finally said. She smiled at him. She hadn’t heard that nickname in ages (six years in fact). It was probably short sighted of her, but something about him calling her that seemed to make the last of the awkwardness from the beginning of their meeting fade away into oblivion. A sense of warmth settled over her, and it would be very easy for her to forget that there was a gap in which they hadn’t been a part of each other’s lives. The best parts of her childhood were entangled with that name. It reminded her of when she used to feel safe.
“But I don’t know exactly what is going on, and you aren’t going to tell me?” She finished off the unspoken implications behind his statement. He nodded in reply. “That’s okay,” she told him. “All I need to know is how I can help.”
She could already see the arguments brewing behind his eyes, and she decided to make another attempt at heading them off -- he needn’t make everything so difficult. That was probabl
y why he looked so run down.
“I think I should tell you something, so we both know that we’re on the same page. Could you let me talk for a few minutes and try not to say anything while I do?” She saw the amusement that popped up behind the worry then. He looked like he was thinking that she was already the one doing all of the talking, but he just nodded his agreement to her proposal.
“I get that Meri didn’t want you around anymore,” she was doing her best to keep any hint of accusation out of her tone. “I also know that there is not much that you could have done about it. That doesn’t change the fact that it didn’t seem like either of you realized that it wasn’t just the two of you who were caught up in the whole situation.” She took a deep breath and was pleased that Connor remained silent. She wasn’t up for fending off responses yet. “You had been around for six years of our lives, Connor. You spent more time in our house during the course of an average week than our father did in a three month time span.” She offered a soft smile and hoped that he wouldn’t misunderstand the point that she was trying to make.
“You were kind of the dominate male presence in my life from the ages of three to nine. I mean you were responsible for the removal of the training wheels from my bike.” She blinked. She was tearing up; she needed to not tear up. “And then you were gone.” The words were shaky. She needed to keep talking or agreement or no agreement Connor was going to try to interrupt her. She just needed to manage to talk and not cry. She could do this. She would get out the words.
“When you went, all the restraint on Meri went with you. There was no more filtering. There was no more moderation. There was no more considering other possibilities. There was only what my sister thought she wanted and what she would do to get it,” she bit her lip again. This not letting there be tears thing was more difficult than she had expected -- maybe because she had never done this before. She had been holding it all in for too long.
“In someone else, that could be admirable persistence. It could be simply being goal orientated. In Meri, it’s . . .,” she faltered for an appropriate word before giving up and finishing the rest of her thoughts. “I’ve lived with that her every day. I may not know exactly what is about to happen. I may not know what either one of you is planning. I don’t need to know. I’m not looking at this through some sort of rose colored glasses. I don’t have you up on some sort of pedestal because I have issues with Meri. I know that you make mistakes just like everybody else. That doesn’t matter. If whatever is going on here has Meri’s side and yours, then I’m choosing your side. Because I trust that if it’s the side you are on, then it’s the right side.”
She wasn’t ready to let Connor speak yet, so she kept her words going. Besides, there was something else that she thought he needed to hear.
“Meredyth is broken, Connor. You and I both know that,” she made eye contact and was sad to see that she was right -- he did really need to hear what she was about to say. He looked like he was afraid that she was going to start dropping accusations. She just hoped that he really listened to her.
“What I’m not clear on is whether or not you understand that it doesn’t have anything to do with you,” the tension in his posture wasn’t fading any. “You weren’t the one who did the breaking. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if it was our mom. I don’t know if it was how our dad handled the aftermath. I don’t know if she’s always been like this for some reason that I’ll probably never understand. The point is that when you were around was the most unbroken that I’ve ever seen her, and it’s not your fault that it didn’t last. I know Meredyth is the one who did the leaving.”
She realized, startled, that Connor was blinking rapidly as he stared at the wall so he wasn’t facing her. He was fighting off tears the same as she was. She wouldn’t comment. She just wanted him to understand.
“She didn’t want to be fixed, Connor Cole,” she hoped that the name brought at least a part of the comfort to him as his choice of appellation had brought to her. “She chose to stay broken. She chose to stay on that path. That isn’t your fault. We can’t fix other people.” She reached over and rested her hand on his shoulder.
“She didn’t want to be fixed,” she repeated (thinking that the words were important enough to warrant it). The two of them drifted back into silence, but it lacked the awkward expectations of the earlier quiet. This silence felt natural (and necessary), and they both let it be.