of Physics come even close to understanding? As for me, I am crucified yet on my way to be crucified. I am crucified from the foundation of the world. Everything that happens to God once, happens to Him forever, because God only inhabits eternity. Before Abraham was, I always was and will be. Time is merely the platform on which I choose to act and be acted upon. As the creator of time I am greater than time and in no way subject to time as I was and will be forever the determiner of time.
ME: I suspected you would try to dazzle me with mysticism, and attempt to confound me with loquatiously verbose semantic clap-trap. But you should know I’m not buying a cent’s worth. The fact is that isn’t Palestinian dust at all. I’ll guarantee that if I had it analysed that dust could be sourced to within 50ks of this studio. Will you let me take a sample?
GOD: Be my guest. When this interview’s ended you can hand me your paper and I’ll shake off as much dust from my feet as your heart could hope for—
ME: Thank you—
GOD: You’re welcome. As the creator of all true science I welcome every truly scientific test—
ME: Yes, just what IS your view on Evolution? Was Darwin right, or do you still touchingly root for Adam and Eve?
GOD: Despite the fact that it affords our favourite comic reading in Heaven, and that new publications have been known to send all Heaven into laughter, Atheistic Evolution is an attractively imaginative theory that quite often has many elements of truth about it—
ME: And Adam and Eve?
GOD: Personal friends of mine. And as for your aversion to dust, I am pleased to name myself a Son of Dust, and that from dust you humans were taken and to dust you shall each return—
ME: And on that rather grubby note we shall pause for our sponsors to catch up.
The tape shows that I then lean forward and say: “I haven’t seen you around these parts before but it’s obvious you are a professional actor. What is your name? Who did you train under? What other parts have you had?”
But he has leaned back, closing his eyes, and doesn’t reply. Method acting, of course. Staying in character. Through my earpiece the boss’s voice: “We’re being swamped with calls. Many think he’s the real thing. Go a bit easy on him— ”
“Like hell I will,” I hear myself say.
“Death threats,” says the boss.
“To be taken seriously?”
“Religious nutters are the worst.”
“Ah yes. Unpredictable.”
“You’ve got it,” says the boss as I glance at Jesus Christ.
00.14.42
ME: Welcome back. I am talking to a man who claims he is Almighty God. If you are God, and almighty, why is the world in such a mess? Why don’t you stop crime? And suffering. Why don’t you stop all that pain and misery?
GOD: I am not permitted to.
ME: What? Almighty God? Who stops you?
GOD: You do. You humans.
ME: Of course we don’t! How could we stop all-mightiness? If you ARE Almighty God the entire human race couldn’t stand against the omnipotence of your little finger—
GOD: Oh yes you can. And you do. Very often and very easily. You take away my moral right to act.
ME: And how do we do that?
GOD: By preferring Satan’s values to mine.
ME: Maybe his are better.
GOD: You humans certainly think so.
ME: Now let me get this clear: what values are you talking about?
GOD: Virtues like truth, love, honesty, forgiveness, respect, unselfishness, sexual chastity, righteousness—every and all forms of goodness—
ME: And don’t we humans go in for those?
GOD: Look at your television. What values does that depict? Truth? love? honesty? sexual morality? all forms of goodness? Any station showing nothing but such would quickly lose its audience and go off the air. What you humans value is crime, violence, hatred, sexual licenciousness, all forms of evil, the badder the better—
ME: And these values you attribute to Satan?
GOD: Yes, and to you humans, who listen to Satan.
ME: Then I have the perfect answer for you: just wipe out Satan and he won’t be able to tempt us to have his values.
GOD: Unfortunately I can’t do that.
ME: You can’t? God can do anything—
GOD: God cannot do wrong.
ME: But what’s wrong with that?
GOD: Do your political leaders murder their opposition? What would you do to any national leader who did? It is just as morally wrong for me to murder my opposition as it is for your nation’s leader to murder his opposition—
ME: Why? since it would benefit all mankind so much?
GOD: Because right from the beginning I made a decision to be infinitely perfect, and because of that I will not do anything that is morally indefensible.
ME: Then you made a bad decision, didn’t you? If it ends in wars and crime and pain and suffering for the human race—
GOD: It was a terrible decision.
ME: Then why did you make it?
GOD: Because I had no choice. Think of the alternatives. Would you prefer a God who was imperfect, who had even a small aspect of evil in his character? Who could trust such a God? I couldn’t even trust myself. I wouldn’t want to live as a being who made such a blemished decision when he had the ability and freedom to make of himself a perfect character—
ME: Then why do you say it was a terrible decision—
GOD: Because I can foresee everything. Before the world was created I could foresee all the pain and suffering that would come upon the human race because of my decision to be infinitely perfect—
ME: Then how was that an infinitely perfect decision? We are chasing our tails here—
GOD: Let me tell you what it was like for me at the beginning and then all will become clear to you—
ME: That sounds like time for a break, and when we come back, the birth and boyhood of God! Hah!
I would have quizzed him off-air but the moment the adverts begin the boss is shouting in my ear, “This is the last ad-break. You’re going to have to keep going. We are being besieged with threatening calls and even some advertisers are saying ‘Pull them. It’s counterproductive.’ And I was going to tell you to lay off him because we’re getting death threats. But we’re getting death threats both ways. We’re probably more at risk from those who think it’s all blasphemy and want us to stop the broadcast. The police are on their way but already it could be too late, a mob is forming outside. You could become all sympathetic and make it sound as if you believe him but even then we’ll be lucky to survive this—”
“Surely to God it’s obvious he’s a fake—!”
“You’d think so, but people are incredibly gullible. From the way they’re talking they could invade the station before we end. The police have advised us to pull the show—”
“And will you?”
“Hell no! This is the best television I’ve ever done—”
“Yet you want me to change—”
“Just tone it down a bit. Much the same, but tone it down—”
“I don’t think you know what you want—”
“I want to live long enough to get rich off this interview!”
00.18.42
ME: Welcome back. You are looking at a man who thinks he is God—no, not me, but the guest I have in the studio. He is dressed like this because he claims he found a loophole in time as he was walking to Jerusalem two thousand years ago and suddenly found himself here, zapped into 21st century New Zealand—
GOD: That is nothing near the truth, as you know. Raise your right hand—
ME: Why? Am I volunteering for something?
GOD: Good. Now fly.
ME: Don’t be ridiculous. Have you gone mad—?
GOD: Understand this: just as it was effortless for you, a human, to raise your hand, so it is as effortless for a bird to raise its wings and fly. Likewise it is as easy for an eternal being like me to move through time to any moment in hi
story, future or past. As with moving your hand, I just have to want it and it happens. But you have limitations: you can’t fly, no matter how much you wish it, though a bird without thinking, can. I have no limitations. I would go on to tell you that being without limitations thus omnipresent I in fact am always everywhere at every moment past, present and future, and you would realise if you knew your Einstein who realised time and space are a continuum—
ME: You and Einstein must have great conversations in Heaven.
GOD: Unfortunately, Einstein...
ME: You are not going to tell me he didn’t make it through Heaven’s immigration—
GOD: Intelligence is not a requirement, fortunately for the human race to—
ME: So there is a Hell, and Einstein is in it?
GOD: Of course there is a Hell! Why else do you think I would be walking to Jerusalem to die nailed between Heaven and Earth on two planks of wood—?
ME: And why would you?
GOD: To save mankind from the Hell you wouldn’t want—
ME: Well in Einstein’s case it seems you failed, so wasn’t it all just a waste of pain—
GOD: I came to my own but my own did not receive me. But as many as received me they became the children of God. Children by adoption. My brothers, my sisters.
ME: