Raegan’s heart beat fast as she scrolled through the article, searching for a photograph of the boy. There wasn’t one. She’d known there wouldn’t be one. But she scrolled back up and stared at the name of the day care center anyway.
The Giving Tree Center.
Emma had never gone to day care. Raegan and Alec had hired a private nanny who’d looked after Emma at their home in the Pearl District when they’d been at work. But that park . . . the connection to Emma’s disappearance and to that girl today was too much to ignore.
Raegan hit “Print” and gathered the article from the printer on the corner of her desk. Excitement pulsed inside her, but as she looked down at the papers in her hands, uncertainty rolled through her belly. More than anything, she wanted to show this to Alec, wanted to know what he thought, but part of her already knew what he’d say. He’d tell her she was reaching. That she was making connections that weren’t really there. That she was getting her hopes up for nothing. He believed Emma was dead. He wouldn’t want to hear any of this.
But still . . . If he saw this, maybe he’d—
“There’s my girl.” Jeremy’s voice made Raegan jump, and she quickly flipped the papers over and set them on her desk as he came around the corner of her cubicle. “All set?”
Raegan blinked several times, unsure what he meant. Then it hit her. Their dinner plans with Greg Jamison, the five o’clock news anchor, and Chloe Hampton, his current flame. “Oh. Um, I lost track of time.”
Jeremy stepped into her cubicle and brushed a hand over her hair. “Are you alright, darling? You look rattled.”
Of course she was rattled. Her emotions were on a whiplash roller coaster today, and now she’d just found what could be a lead. She was just about to tell Jeremy that when she remembered the look on his face as they’d left the hospital together earlier in the day. An emotion she could only define as relief.
Jeremy Norris had no use for children. He made it clear that kids weren’t welcome in the building during working hours. Oh, he loved to run a tearjerker piece now and then because a good human-interest segment on kids boosted ratings, but his career was center stage in his life, and according to him, it should be in each and every life of the people who worked for him as well.
Raegan slowly closed her laptop. No, she couldn’t tell Jeremy what she’d found because he’d see it as reaching as well, but for very different reasons than Alec. And as much as she wanted to just head home and keep researching, she knew if she bailed on this dinner with Jeremy and his friends, he’d get suspicious. The last thing she needed was a lecture about not doing her job during normal business hours.
Great move there, dating your boss.
“I’m fine,” she said, shaking off the thought. She pushed to her feet and tucked the papers she’d printed into her bag along with her laptop. “Just a long day.”
Jeremy smiled and squeezed her shoulders when she turned. “Then this dinner out is perfectly timed, because it’ll take your mind off everything that happened today.”
Raegan doubted that. Looking into Jeremy’s dark eyes, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to stop thinking about Alec tonight or tomorrow or even next week.
Or how much today had to have affected him.
Standing in the middle of a big family party was the last place Alec wanted to be tonight.
With a bittersweet longing, he watched his parents, Michael and Hannah McClane, on the far side of the private dining room in the trendy Portland restaurant, shaking hands and doling out hugs to close friends who’d come to help celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. His own marriage hadn’t made it three full years before it had crashed and burned, and he had no one to blame for that but himself. Clearly, he hadn’t been paying attention to his father’s shining example of what it took to make a successful husband.
“You know,” his sister, Kelsey, said at his side, also watching their parents, “when people find out they’ve been married twenty-five years, I still get weird looks.”
Alec snorted as he watched his father pull the newest member of the McClane family, Thomas, to his side and introduce the gangly teenager to the group of adults around him. “Only from the chumps who don’t know we were all adopted.”
Dressed in a sleek black cocktail gown she’d designed herself, Kelsey smiled up at Alec with warm brown eyes while wisps of curly blonde hair floated around her face from her stylish updo. “And those who don’t know how old we all were when we were adopted.”
That was true. Alec lifted his soda and sipped, wishing it were Jim Beam more with every passing second. He hadn’t been a whole lot younger than Thomas when the McClanes had adopted him, six months or so after they’d adopted Ethan. Alec and Ethan had known each other briefly at Bennett, the juvenile detention center where Michael McClane had occasionally counseled troubled youth. Ethan had been at Bennett on a murder charge pled down to assault. Alec had been there on repeat drug trafficking charges.
His gaze strayed to Michael’s salt-and-pepper hair, strong jawline, and warm smile as he chatted with his guests. It took a saint to adopt two kids from such fucked-up backgrounds, but Michael and Hannah had done so because they believed everyone deserved a second chance. Alec had found that second chance with them. A chance to get away from John Gilbert, and a chance to start over. No matter how he continued to fuck up his life, he owed Hannah and Michael for that. Owed them more than he could ever repay.
Kelsey leaned close. “Look at Rusty over there. Who’s the girl he’s talking to?”
Alec’s gaze strayed to the corner of the second-floor dining room where their other brother Rusty stood in the shadows in black slacks and a long-sleeved black sweater that covered his scars and matched his hair, conversing with a brunette Alec vaguely remembered meeting once or twice. “I think she’s the Kleins’ daughter.”
“The senator’s daughter?” Kelsey harrumphed. “Ten bucks says her parents don’t know she’s flirting with the dark side.”
Alec’s gaze narrowed as he watched the two. The girl seemed to be extremely invested in the conversation, talking animatedly with her hands and smiling in abundance. Rusty, on the other hand, sported that same detached look he always had when he was itching to get out of an uncomfortable situation.
You and me both, buddy.
Alec caught Rusty’s dark gaze as he lifted his drink and shook his head. Rusty clenched his jaw and glanced toward the ceiling in a get me the hell out of here look only an idiot could miss. One side of Alec’s lips twitched.
It was good for Rusty to get out, even if he was stuck talking to some chick he wouldn’t normally look twice at. The youngest McClane brother spent most of his days alone on his fledgling vineyard in the hills outside the city, and Alec often wondered how he didn’t go nuts from the isolation. But Rusty had always preferred solitude to company. Even after he’d joined the McClane family, about a year after Alec, he’d spent most of his time alone, and Alec knew that had a lot to do with his own fucked-up background. Unlike Ethan and Alec, Rusty hadn’t been a resident at Bennett. Hannah McClane had found him in her ER, taken one look at his bruised and battered body, and decided he needed a home too.
Rusty had gotten his second chance. As had Kelsey when the McClanes had adopted her at ten a few years later. Their family was the proverbial melting pot, but Alec wouldn’t have it any other way. And it was only because of them that he wasn’t at the bar right now tossing back shots. He didn’t want to let any of them down again, not when they’d done so much to raise him up.
Alec’s gaze strayed to Ethan, dressed in a suit, standing with an arm around his fiancée, Samantha, who was wearing a green dress, the pair smiling and chatting with friends of their parents’. Though he didn’t want it to, his chest pinched with another bite of bittersweet longing. He was happy for his brother, happy Ethan had found someone and that the someone was Sam, but he couldn’t stop the burst of jealousy coursing through him when he looked at the happy couple. Especially no
t today, when his interaction with Raegan was still tumbling through his mind.
He took another sip of his soda, cursing the fact it wasn’t alcohol and that he hadn’t brought a date tonight. He always brought dates to family functions because they distracted him from looking around and seeing everything he was seeing now. And tonight he could have used that distraction because what he was seeing was everything he didn’t have and wouldn’t ever find again.
Kelsey tensed at Alec’s side. “Julian’s here.”
Alec tore his gaze from Ethan and Sam and glanced toward the stairs where Kelsey’s shit of a husband shrugged the dark hair out of his eyes, waved, and headed in their direction.
Every muscle in Alec’s body contracted, ready for a fight. He and his brothers all suspected Julian Benedict was hitting Kelsey behind closed doors, but she denied it every time they tried to talk to her, and whenever she showed up with a new bruise she blamed it on being clumsy. “I thought you said he was in Seattle on business.”
“He’s supposed to be.”
Kelsey plastered on the fake smile she used on all her fashion customers and awkwardly moved toward Julian’s side. “I thought you weren’t going to make it.”
Julian slid a possessive arm around her, pulling her a little too tightly to his side for Alec’s comfort. “You said this was important, so I came back early.” He didn’t make eye contact with Kelsey, just stared at Alec with his soulless black eyes. “You look like shit, Alec. Rough day?”
Alec wanted nothing more than to draw his fist back and pop Julian Benedict in the nose. Today, especially, it would feel good to let loose on the jerk. But he held back for Kelsey’s sake. And because Alec knew he was the last person who should be doling out relationship advice, even if he were convinced her husband was a total dick.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” Alec turned his gaze on his sister. “I need to get some air. I’ll be back.”
He set his drink on a nearby table and headed for the door. At his back he heard Julian mutter, “What the hell is his problem?” and Kelsey whisper in response, “It’s not you.”
Alec almost huffed and said, “Yeah, buddy, it is you,” just to piss the guy off, but he didn’t. Because it wasn’t the truth. The truth was that he was jonesing for a drink. And every second he spent around people who were happy—or, in Kelsey’s case, pretending to be happy—made that craving harder to ignore.
He pushed the heavy door open and stepped out onto the restaurant’s second-floor patio, drawing in a deep breath of cold, January air. Lights in potted trees twinkled as he moved up to the railing and looked out over the Pearl District neighborhood.
Shit. This view didn’t do a thing to improve his mood. Just made the pressure in his chest grow tighter and his need for that oblivion only alcohol could provide that much stronger. Leave it to his parents to pick a restaurant in the same neighborhood where he’d once lived with Raegan to celebrate their anniversary. The universe was clearly telling him tonight was not his night to hold it all together.
“Hey. You doin’ okay?”
Alec glanced over his shoulder toward Ethan, striding toward him. He hadn’t heard his brother follow him out onto the patio, but he should have expected it. “I’m fine.”
Ethan moved up next to Alec, his hands in the pockets of his slacks, his brow lifted in a don’t bother trying to lie to me expression Alec knew all too well. “Holding on to that railing a little tightly for someone who’s fine.”
Alec’s gaze dropped to his hands, which gripped the metal railing so tightly his knuckles were white. Shit. He didn’t remember doing that either.
He let go and flexed his hands against the cramps shooting down his fingers. “I just needed some air. Is that a crime?”
“No. Definitely not. I should know.” Ethan flashed a smile, and Alec didn’t miss the inside joke about their time together at Bennett. Drawing his hands from his pockets, Ethan leaned his forearms against the railing. “It’s just the reason you need air that worries me.”
Sometimes it sucked having your family know your greatest weakness, and Ethan was the worst since Alec had never been able to hide his drinking from Ethan. Back when they’d been teenagers, Ethan had witnessed Alec’s weakness for alcohol in times of stress. He’d even covered for him with their parents when they’d found an empty bottle in the trash or when Alec had been too hungover to do his chores after a wild night of partying. Alec knew that was part of the reason Ethan rode him so hard now. Because he felt guilty he hadn’t helped Alec quit back then before the addiction had ruined his life. But it still irritated the hell out of Alec, especially when he hadn’t touched a drop in three damn years. “I’m not drinking, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”
Alec’s jaw clenched. “I’m not gonna have a drink either, even though after the day I’ve had, I deserve one. Or ten.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
No, Alec didn’t want to talk about it with his therapist brother. Ethan was just like their father. He’d dig until he got what he wanted, then he’d talk you to death until you told him exactly what he wanted to hear. Unfortunately, aside from a jump off this second-story ledge that would likely just cripple him instead of put him out of his ever-loving misery, Alec knew he was stuck.
He exhaled a hard breath, hating that he was such a pansy, wishing this never-ending day would just hurry the fuck up and finish. “Jack Bickam called. They found a four-year-old girl wandering alone in a park today. Asked me to come down and try to ID her.”
Ethan pushed away from the railing and stared at Alec with wide green eyes. “What?”
“It wasn’t her,” Alec said quickly, sensing Ethan’s excitement. “I knew it wasn’t her before I even saw her, and I was right. Bickam asked for a DNA sample, but her parents showed up while we were at the hospital. It definitely wasn’t . . . her.”
Ethan’s gaze darted over Alec’s features. “Maybe they’re wrong. If she’d been missing as long as Emma, she might look totally diff—”
“Ethan, it wasn’t her. She didn’t have the birthmark near her eye. And even if you don’t want to admit it, I can. My daughter’s dead, and we both know who killed her.”
Ethan’s shoulders sank, and the disappointment on his face was too much to bear. Alec leaned his own arms against the railing and looked out at the view. Itching—again—for . . . shit. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore.
“Who’s we?” Ethan asked long minutes later.
“What?”
“You said ‘while we were at the hospital.’ Who’s we?”
Alec’s chest squeezed tighter. “Raegan.”
“Ah.”
Alec hated the way that one word sounded. Dripping with pity and understanding.
“I take it things with Raegan didn’t go so well,” Ethan said quietly.
Alec’s jaw flexed as he thought of Raegan standing in that hallway, looking gorgeous and broken all at the same time, and how much he’d wanted to wrap his arms around her and console her. “It went fine.”
“Fine,” Ethan repeated. “Which explains why you’re standing out here in the cold, looking like you’re ready to knock over a liquor store.”
Alec scowled. “Fuck you, doc.”
Ethan smirked and slipped his hands back in the pockets of his slacks. “You know, maybe it’s a good thing you saw her. It’s been almost three years since the divorce. You were bound to run into her again at some point. Portland’s not that big a city.”
Three years felt the same as one day, but Alec didn’t tell his brother that. He stared out at the twinkling view again. “Yeah, whatever.”
“Alec.” Ethan’s voice softened. “You have to stop beating yourself up over this. Emma’s disappearance was not your fault. She could have wandered away from any of us. She could have wandered away from Raegan if she’d been the one at the park with her that day. I’m sure in the three years you two have been apart Raegan has r
ealized that. I’m sure she’s forgiven you.”
Alec couldn’t stop the pitiful laugh that pushed up his throat. Or the sharp stab right through the center of his chest where his heart used to be. “That’s where you’re wrong, smart guy. She never blamed me. She said the same damn thing you just did. Right from the start. But that’s the thing.” He looked over at his brother. “I’m the one who can’t forgive her for that. Because no matter what you or she or anyone else says, it was my fault. And she of all people should know that.”
He couldn’t take this anymore. Couldn’t stand here and rehash the past because his chest was on fire. He pushed away from the railing.
“Alec, wait.”
He didn’t. As he headed back into the party he didn’t want to be a part of, he told himself he could get through this night the same way he’d gotten through every night for the last three years.
By sheer strength of will, even if he was holding on to life by nothing more than a fraying thread.
CHAPTER THREE
Raegan swirled her wine and watched the crimson liquid stick to the sides of the glass and then settle in the bottom and still.
That was how she felt. On the verge of something, swirling and waiting.
“Raegan.”
She looked up at the sound of Jeremy’s voice and glanced to her right. “Yes?”
A perplexed expression pulled at his features. “I called your name three times. Are you daydreaming?”
“No.”
“You’ve barely eaten.”
She glanced down at the salad she’d moved around with her fork and let go of her wine. “Oh. Just thinking, I guess.”