Produced by Al Haines
GOOD STORIES
REPRINTED FROM
THE LADIES' HOME JOURNAL
OF PHILADELPHIA
1907
GOOD STORIES
from THE LADIES' HOME JOURNAL
_Warding Off a Catastrophe_
A fat woman entered a crowded street car and, seizing a strap, stooddirectly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car startedshe lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily onhis toes.
As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.
"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simplyself-defense."
_Not What She Expected_
A charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and won by aphysician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching, and itwas time the children should know they were to have a new father.Calling one of them to her she said: "Georgie, I am going to dosomething before long that I would like to talk about with you."
"What is it, Ma ?" aiked the boy.
"I am intending to marry Doctor Jones in a few days, and----"
"Bully for you. Ma, Does Doctor Jones know it ?"
_Of Course_
The morning class had been duly instructed and enlightened upon thesubject of our national independence. Feeling sure she had made areal and lasting impression with her explanations and blackboardillustrations the young teacher began with the usual round ofquestions:
"Now, Sammy Smith, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Sammy, with a shout of glee: "At de bottom, ma'am--that's what yousaid!"
_He Had Certainly Met Him_
A traveler going to New Zealand was asked by a friend if he wouldinquire, while there, as to the whereabouts of the friend'sgrandfather, Jeremiah Thompson.
"Certainly," said the traveler, and wherever he went he asked for newsof the ancestor, but without avail.
One day he was introduced to a fine old Maori of advanced age. "Didyou ever meet with an Englishman named Jeremiah Thompson?" he asked.
A smile passed over the Maori's face. "Meet him?" he repeated. "Why,I ate him!"
_No Place Like Home_
A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was askedthe usual questions:
"What is your name, and where are you from ?"
The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."
"You may come in," said St. Peter, "but I know you won't like it."
_She Felt Bad When Well_
An old lady, really quite well, was always complaining and "enjoyingpoor health," as she expressed it. Her various ailments were to herthe most interesting topic in the world. One day a neighbor found hereating a hearty meal, and asked her how she was.
"Poor me," she sighed, "I feel very well, but I always feel bad when Ifeel well, because I know I am going to feel worse afterward."
_Drove Him Mad_
They took him to the sanatorium moaning feebly: "Thirty-nine,thirty-nine."
"What does he mean by that?" the attendant inquired.
"It's the number of buttons on the back of his wife's new frock," thefamily doctor explained.
_Tweedledum or Tweedledee_
Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an importantcity. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayorleaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, "Shall we let thepeople enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have yourspeech now?"
_It Was Mary's Own Idea_
"Did you mail my letter, Mary?" asked her mistress. "It was animportant one, you know."
"Yis, mum, indeed I did."
"But why have you brought back the two cents I gave you for the stamp?"
"Sure, I didn't have to use it, mum," replied Mary. "I slipped th'letther into th' box whin nobody was lukin'."
_He Couldn't Very Well_
A husband was being arraigned in court in a suit brought by his wifefor cruelty.
"I understand, sir," said the Judge, addressing the husband, "that oneof the indignities you have showered upon your wife is that you havenot spoken to her for three years. Is that so?"
"It is, your Honor," quickly answered the husband.
"Well, sir," thundered the judge, "why didn't you speak to her, may Iask?"
"Simply," replied the husband, "because I didn't want to interrupther."
_A Coat That Wouldn't Come Off_
The inspector asked the boys of the school he was examining: "Can youtake your warm overcoats aff?" "Yes, sir," was the response. "Canthe bear take his warm overcoat off?" "No, sir." "Why not?" Therewas silence for a while, and then a little boy spoke up: "Please, sir,because God alone knows where the buttons are."
_The Young Housewife's Latest_
In the cook's absence the young mistress of the house undertook, withthe help of a green waitress, to get the Sunday luncheon. Theflurried maid, who had been struggling in the kitchen with a coffeemachine that refused to work, confessed that she had forgotten to washthe lettuce.
"Well, never mind, Eliza. Go on with the coffee, and I'll do it,"said the considerate mistress. "Where do you keep the soap?"
_He Did His Best_
A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to thewaiter:
"Have yez any whale?"
"No."
"Have yez any shark?"
"No."
"Have yez any swordfish?"
"No."
"Have yez any jellyfish?"
"No."
"All right," said the Irishman. "Then bring me ham and eggs and abeefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish."
_The Power Behind_
At a prayer-meeting a good old brother stood up and said he was gladto give the following testimony:
"My wife and I," he said, "started in life with hardly a cent in theworld. We began at the lowest round of the ladder, but the Lord hasbeen good to us and we have worked up--we have prospered. We bought alittle farm and raised good crops. We have a good home and a nicefamily of children, and," he added with much emphasis, "I am the headof that family."
After he sat down his wife promptly arose to corroborate all that hehad said. She said that they had started in life with hardly a cent,the Lord had been good to them and they had prospered; they did have afarm and good crops, and it was true they did have a fine family ofchildren. But she added with satisfaction, "I am the neck that movesthe head."
_Easy Enough_
Some visitors who were being shown over a pauper lunatic asylum, says"Harper's Weekly," inquired of their guide what method was employed todiscover when the inmates were sufficiently recovered to leave.
"Well," replied he, "you see, it's this way. We have a big trough ofwater, and we turns on the tap. We leave it running, and tells 'em tobail out the water with pails until they've emptied the trough."
"How does that prove it?" asked one of the visitors.
"Well," said the guide, "them as ain't idiots turns off the tap."
_He Had Left the Cards All Right_
The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman--stupid but honest.
In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she hadforgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the man back withorders to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in herboudoir, and put them in his pocket.
At different houses, she told the footman to hand in one, andsometimes a coupl
e, until at last she told Jeames to leave three atone house.
"Can't do it, mum."
"How's that?"
"I've only got two left--the ace of spades and the seven of clubs."
_And That Settled It_
"If ye please, mum," said the ancient hero, in an appealing voice, ashe stood at the back door of the cottage on washday, "I've lost myleg----"
"Well, I ain't got it," snapped the woman fiercely,
And the door closed with a bang.
_What Do You Think the Porter Did_?
A lady in the centre seat of the parlor car heard the request of afellow-passenger directly opposite asking the porter to open thewindow, and, scenting a draft, she immediately drew a cloak about her.
"Porter, if that window is opened," she snapped testily, "I shallfreeze to death."
"And if the window is kept closed," returned the other passenger, "Ishall surely suffocate."
The poor porter stood absolutely puzzled between the two fires.
"Say, boss," he finally said to a commercial traveler seated near by,"what would you do?"
"Do?" echoed the traveler. "Why, man, that is a very simple matter;open the window and freeze one lady. Then close it and suffocate theother."
_She Said It_
A visitor of noble birth was expected to arrive at a large countryhouse in the North of England, and the daughter of the house, agedseven, was receiving final instructions from her mother.
"And now, dear," she said, "when the Duke speaks to you do not forgetalways to say 'your Grace.'"
Presently the great man arrived, and after greeting his host andhostess he said to the child, "Well, my dear, and what is your name?"Judge of his surprise when the little girl solemnly closed her eyesand with clasped hands exclaimed, "For what we are about to receivemay we be truly fankful, amen."
_His Idea of Genius_
A young man once said to Thomas A. Edison, the inventor; "Mr. Edison,don't you believe that genius is inspiration?"
"No," replied Edison; "genius is _per_spiration."
_Took the Wrong House_
On one of the Southern railroads there is a station-building that iscommonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station inAmerica. It is of this station that the story is told that an oldfarmer was expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent oneof his hands, a newcomer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw thehouse, loaded it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way hemet a man in uniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap.
"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.
"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.
"Chicken-house be jiggeredl" exploded the official. "That's thestation!"
_And Tommy Did_
"And now," said the teacher, "I want Tommy to tell the school who wasmost concerned when Absalom got hung by the hair ?"
TOMMY: "Abs'lom."
_The Prayer of Cyrus Brown_
"The proper way for a man to pray," Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes, "And the only proper attitude, Is down upon his knees."
"No, I should say the way to pray," Said Reverend Doctor Wise, "Is standing straight, with outstretched arms, And rapt and upturned eyes."
"Oh, no; no, no," said Elder Slow, "Such posture is too proud: A man should pray with eyes fast closed And head contritely bowed."
"It seems to me his hands should be Austerely clasped in front, With both thumbs pointing toward the ground," Said Reverend Doctor Blunt.
"Las' year I fell in Hodgkin's well Head first," said Cyrus Brown, "With both my heels a-stickin' up, My head a-p'inting down,
"An' I made a prayer right then an' there-- Best prayer I ever said, The prayingest prayer I ever prayed, A-standing on my head."
--SAM WALTER FOSS.
_Couldn't Tell Which_
Jones had come home later than usual and had ready a good explanation,but his wife gave him no chance, and immediately began to tell himwhat she thought of him. He endured it patiently all evening, quietlyread his paper and went to bed. His wife was still talking.
When he was almost asleep he could hear her still scolding himunmercifully. He dropped off to sleep and awoke after a couple ofhours, only to hear his wife remark:
"I hope all the women don't have to put up with such conduct as this."
"Annie," said Jones, "are you talking again or yet?"
_The Greater Calamity_
Two or three urchins were running down a long and very steep flight ofsteps, when the foremost stumbled and fell headlong twenty to thirtyfeet, and was only stopped near the bottom by doubling backward aroundthe newel-post. It looked as though his back was broken, and that hewas a dead small boy, but he gathered himself up, thrust his handsanxiously in his trousers' pockets, and ejaculated;
"B' gosh, I b'l'eve I lost a cent."
_Her First Railroad Ride_
An old lady in Missouri took her first railroad trip last week, says"The Butter Democrat." She noticed the bell-cord overhead, and,turning to a boy, she said: "Sonny, what's that for?" "That, marm,"he said, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, "is to ring the bellwhen you want something to eat."
Shortly afterward the old lady reached her umbrella up to the cord andgave it a vigorous pull. The train was in the middle of a trestle.The whistle sounded, the brakes were pulled on, the train began toslacken its speed, windows were thrown up, questions asked, andconfusion reigned among the passengers. The old lady sat calmlythrough it all.
Presently the conductor came running through the train and asked: "Whopulled the bell?"
"I did," replied the old lady meekly.
"Well, what do you want?" asked the conductor impatiently.
"Well," said the old lady meditatively, "you may bring me a hamsandwich and a cup of tea, please."
_The Parson and the "Light"_
A parson had had a call from a little country parish to a large andwealthy one in a big city. He asked time for prayer andconsideration. He did not feel sure of his light. A month passed.Some one met hie youngest son. "How is it, Josiah; is your fathergoing to B------?"
"Well," answered the youngster judicially, "paw is still prayin' forlight, but most of the things is packed."
_Turn About is Fair Play_
Last Christmas a middle-aged tinplate-worker married a widow whoseacquaintance he had made but a few weeks before while working somelittle distance away from home.
"Sarrah," he said nervously, after the guests had departed, "I 'ave aweddin' present for ye."
"What is it, John?" said Sarrah with a smirk.
"I 'ope ye won't be 'fended, Sarrah," said John, more agitated thanever, "but it is--er--er--it is five of 'em."
"Five of wat?" asked Sarrah.
"Five children!" blurted out John desperately, anticipating a scene."I didn't tell ye I 'ad children--five of 'em."
Sarrah took the news quite calmly; in fact, she appeared relieved.
"Oh, well, John," she said, "that do make it easier for me to tell ye.Five is not so bad as me, watever. Seven I 'ave got!"
"Wat!" howled John.
"Seven," repeated Sarrah composedly. "That is my weddin' present toye, John."
_His Only Chance_
"Is there a man in all this audience," demanded the female lecturer onwoman's rights, "that has ever done anything to lighten the burden onhis wife's shoulders? What do you know of woman's work? Is there aman here," she continued, folding her arms, and looking over theassembly with superb scorn, "that has ever got up in the morning,leaving his tired, worn-out wife to enjoy her slumbers, gone quietlydownstairs, made the fire, cooked his own breakfast, sewed the missingbuttons on the children's clothes, darned the family stockings,scoured the pots and kettles, cleaned and filled the lamps, and doneall this, if necessary, day after day, uncomplainingly? If there besuch a man in this audience let him rise up! I should really like tosee him!"
And, in the rear
of the hall, a mild-looking man in spectacles, inobedience to the summons, timidly arose. He was the husband of theeloquent speaker. It was the first time he had ever had a chance toassert himself.
_He Saw Them, All Right_
Two officers were sent to arrest a Quaker; his wife met them at thedoor and said, "Walk in, gentlemen; my husband will see thee."
After waiting some time they got impatient and called the woman,saying, "You said we should see your husband presently."
"No, friend," she replied; "I said he would see thee--he did see thee,did not like thy looks, and went out by the back door."
_An Easy Way to Stop It_
William Penn was once urging a man he knew to stop drinking to excess,when the man suddenly asked:
"Can you tell me of an easy way to do it?"
"Yes," Penn replied readily, "it is just as easy as to open thy hand,friend."
"Convince me of that," the man exclaimed, "and I will promise upon myhonor to do as you tell me."
"Well, my friend," Penn answered, "whenever thee finds a glass ofliquor in thy hand, open that hand before the glass touches thy lips,and thee will never drink to excess again."