I went to open it, turning the knob.
Locked. So…?
My forehead bounced off the wooden door then, stunning me. Someone grabbed me by the ankles, which meant I was going down hard.
Bus station…! My chest hit the ground, my forehead bouncing once on the gravel surface.
“Get his hands,” someone grunted. I recognized the voice as belonging to my step-father, Seth.
My own family was helping to throw me away.
My head throbbed anew, and my heart quaked. On the ground, I tasted dirt, and as my arms were roughly yanked back, I felt my bowels loosen with fear.
But no. I was not going to totally lose it. Because Ezra would enjoy that too much. And I didn’t want to make this fun for him.
Many hands lifted me up, then rolled me onto the bed of the Tundra. I heard the clang of the tailgate.
“You know what to do,” Elder Michael said.
“Yessir,” said Ezra’s voice and another one that I did not catch. Two truck doors opened and shut. And then we began to roll.
Bus station. Bus station. Bus station.
Bus station. Bus station.
Bus station.
* * *
Six hours later, I wasn’t chanting anymore.
The bumpy ride toward Casper had seemed to last forever. Bouncing around the dirty metal truck, it might have been twenty minutes, or twice that long.
At last we rolled to a stop. I could hear cars going by on a nearby road. The tailgate was suddenly jerked away, and Ezra’s face appeared in mine.
He started the conversation by slapping my face. “You little faggot. Don’t you dare come back. And don’t even think about going to the police. They’ll only lock you up for stealing a gun.”
But I didn’t steal it. I did not say this out loud, because I knew he didn’t care.
Ezra snaked a hand toward my body, and I flinched. But he was only jamming something in the back pocket of my Carhartts. “Use this to get on a bus,” he said. “There’s a homeless shelter in Cheyenne.”
I said nothing. I just watched his lips move. Because I was trying to get over the idea that they were going to leave me by the side of the road. This road, which I did not recognize.
The thing was, part of me always knew I’d be one of the boys who disappeared. I knew. It’s just that a little piece of me always hoped that it wouldn’t turn out this way.
“Do I make myself clear?” Ezra demanded.
Swallowing every bit of my stinking pride, I whispered, “Yessir.”
He reached into his jeans and took out a knife, at which point my heart nearly failed again. But he only used it to slice the tape that was tying my hands.
“Out,” he said, grabbing me by the arms. Since my feet were still taped together, I went down like a sack of potatoes, landing on my ass in the dirt.
The engine still ran, blowing exhaust into my face. I began to cough.
Ezra moved away, his feet crunching on the gravel. Then I heard the truck’s door open and shut.
Then they drove away.
For a little while I sat there, stunned and wheezing. The cold seeped into my trousers, and the wind whistled past.
Eventually, I began to tug at the tape on my ankles. When it was all torn off, I finally stood. I found myself in a weedy field, about fifty yards from the roadway. And in the distance, I saw buildings which made up the outskirts of Casper. It had been ten years since I’d come through here for school. But I recognized the approach into town.
Putting one foot in front of the other, I walked into town. The bus station was on a windblown strip behind a gas station and across the street from a hotel.
I went inside, where there was a ticket window and a few benches. Feeling self-conscious, I sat down to wait.
For a long time, there was nobody else in the room except for my new friend, the constant headache. (And, thanks to Ezra, I also had a lump on my forehead from hitting the tool shed door.)
As the day wore on, people began to collect in the room. There were young men with backpacks, and a family of four. They made me feel less conspicuous, until a bus pulled up, and they all got on. After that, I was alone again, and probably looking more suspicious by the minute.
Eventually, a security guard I’d seen passing through twice before came to stand in front of me. “Are you a passenger?” he asked me.
Somehow I found my voice. “I will be. I’m waiting for someone.”
It sounded ridiculous, I was sure. But even so, he seemed to accept that answer, and he walked away.
But for how much longer?
I was afraid to leave the waiting area, because I had no idea when Caleb might turn up. I’d never asked for the details of his plan, which now seemed stupid. I didn’t even know if he planned to come today, or not.
Eventually I got up and went into the men’s room. Washing up as best I could, I wished I’d brought a toothbrush. And then that errant desire made me smile in the mirror. Of all the things I could wish for in the world, like a home to go back to or even a hot meal, I was missing my toothbrush?
And I used to think I was so smart.
Back in the waiting room, I kept the vigil. My stomach growled, but I ignored it as best I could. The envelope that Ezra had shoved into my pocket contained exactly $50. If I was running away with Caleb, I would need all of it.
The afternoon wore into early evening, and the light began to fade, taking with it my bravado. If it was five o’clock, that meant I’d last seen Caleb ten hours ago.
Was that right? My head was cloudy, and my throat burned. I took another trip to the men’s room to gulp water out of my palm. On the way back, I felt unsteady on my feet. It was probably because I hadn’t eaten.
Or had I? Somehow, the details weren’t as clear as they should have been.
“You,” someone said, kicking my foot. “The place is closing.”
My head snapped up. I’d fallen asleep in my hands. Where was I? It was dark outside, and a man in a uniform was staring down at me. Police? No. He didn’t have a gun. But he had a mean face.
“I’m going,” I said, rising quickly. The room swam, and I put a hand out to catch myself on the wall.
The man gave an angry grunt. “You can’t sleep it off here. Don’t come back tomorrow.”
Pulling myself together, I headed out the door. It was surprisingly cold outside. Still unsteady, I kept one hand on the cinderblock wall. Where was I headed? No place, that’s where. And I was just so tired.
Bus station, Caleb had said. But I was at the bus station.
Stumbling, I followed the wall around, to the rear of the building. There was nothing there but an empty parking lot, and a few scrubby bushes. With the wall at my back, I sank down on my haunches. I needed a plan. But first I needed to rest…
* * *
My dreams were crazy. Later I’d realize they were fever dreams. But at the time they were terrifying. Ezra showed up to slap me in the face again.
And then the devil taunted me. I couldn’t see him, but I could hear his sinister voice. Sinner, he hissed. You are deserted because you are a worthless faggot. Everyone knows. Caleb isn’t coming for you. Nobody ever will.
Slipping in and out of consciousness, I was sometimes aware of a clicking noise, which turned out to be the sound of my own teeth chattering.
As always, I endured.
The fever dreams finally went away, and I was deep under. That’s why I really didn’t appreciate the fact that someone was trying to hoist me up again. In fact, I curled an arm over my face to protect myself against the onslaught.
The bothersome person was talking at top speed, too. Talking and begging. “Josh, come on. Come on. Come back to me. You have to wake up, because I’m fucking scared now. Wake up.”
I groaned to express my displeasure.
“Yes! Come on now. Sit up for me.”
That was asking too much. But I did open my eyes. And the sight of Caleb’s familiar face in the darkness lifted
me like nothing else ever could.
He hooked a hand under my arm pit and yanked me into a sitting position. Then he pulled me right into his arms. “Shit. Shit,” he said, pressing his face into my cheek. “You are so fucking cold. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
That got my attention. “Why?” He’d come for me. It was all I ever wanted him to do.
He put two hands on my head and held me close, our faces still pressed together. His nose felt warm against my frigid cheek. “We have got to get you inside. I need you to stand up, Josh. There is a Motor Inn right over there.” He pointed across the lot.
I simply shivered. My teeth started their dance, again.
“You walk, or I’ll carry you,” he said firmly.
We couldn’t have that. So I pressed a hand down and tried to rise. I got vertical. But my knees weren’t having it, and I ended up right back in the dirt a second later.
“Shit!” Caleb swore. That was four or five curses in four or five minutes. So something must be very wrong. I didn’t care what it was, though, because I was just too sleepy.
“If I carry you into that lobby, they’ll never give us a room,” Caleb said. “Goddamnit.”
I drowsed, while he fumed beside me.
“Josh,” he patted my cheek. “Josh, listen.”
“Yeah,” I managed.
“I’m getting a room, and you’re going to wait here.”
“‘Kay.”
“I swear to the Lord in heaven that if you’re not here when I get back in ten minutes, I will have a coronary. Because I’m already fucking scared enough.”
I dozed.
* * *
The next time I regained consciousness, I was on a warm, soft surface. And Caleb was removing my clothes.
That should have been exciting, but I was too tired to care.
“That’s it,” he said as gentle hands tugged my trousers off. It got cooler again when he removed my socks. And there was a tussle over my undershirt, because I did not want to give it up.
“You’ve sweated through everything,” he said quietly. “Damp clothes aren’t helping. Trust me, Joshy. You’ll be warm in a minute.”
But that was a lie.
Sure, he shifted me into a bed—a softer one than I’d ever had for my own. And sheets and blankets were laid upon me. But my teeth just wouldn’t quit chattering, and I was shaking so hard my muscles were sore. “S…so cold,” I complained.
“That’s your fever talking,” he said.
But then the bastard put something cold and wet on my forehead. “No,” I argued, pushing it off.
“But I don’t know what to do,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to help you. Don’t you dare die, or I’ll kill you myself.”
I tried to decide whether that made any sense, and came to no conclusions. And then that cold thing hit my head again, and I gave a holler of protest.
“Sorry, baby,” he whispered. “So sorry.”
“Cold,” I complained. “Please.” I was begging, but I didn’t even know what for. “Please. Please.”
“Okay,” he relented, tossing the cold thing away. “Okay. I’m sorry. I really am. This is all my fault.”
I heard him moving around while I tried not to shake. It came in waves, actually. I could calm my body down for a minute or two. And then I found myself clenched up again and shaking like that old bean separator that I’d loved to watch. I shook and shook.
One more blanket landed on my body. And then the covers shifted, and the most glorious warmth settled at my back. I leaned in, where Caleb’s warm body met mine. Yes. This was heaven. His skin pressed up against mine, his strong arms came around my chest and pulled me in.
I relaxed on a sigh and let sleep take me yet again.
Three
When I woke up, I was in an unfamiliar room, where a set of ugly drapes blocked out most of the light. Slowly, several other facts began to present themselves to my foggy brain.
For one, I was naked in bed. Secondly, I was naked in bed with a very naked Caleb. And furthermore, his morning erection was poking me in the ass.
It was a scenario I’d been dreaming about all my life. But poor Caleb! He would be mortified.
Assorted memories of the night before were swirling through my sluggish head like a broken kaleidoscope. I remembered the shaking and some of the worried things he’d said. The bus station. The cold outdoors.
He’d been trying to keep me warm. I’m so sorry, he’d said.
It was a lot to take in. But it wouldn’t be right to lie there with him any longer, now that I wasn’t delirious.
Slowly, I slipped from his arms and out of the bed. Toward the back of the dim little room I spied a bathroom, and I headed for it. When I flipped the switch inside, the light came on, revealing all of my clothing and Caleb’s, hanging from the shower bar.
When I touched these things, they were mostly dry. But not quite.
I pulled down the clothes and carried them out into the bedroom, where I laid them quietly on the heater under the window.
Caleb did not wake, or else he pretended not to.
I snuck back into the bathroom and turned on the shower, which rained down with a pleasant force.
At the Compound, there was never enough hot water for more than a quick shower. But now I washed my hair and body with a little bottle of shampoo I found in the hotel’s shower stall, while the hot water came pouring down on me. After I was finished, I lingered awhile, basking in it. Because there was nobody to yell at me to get moving.
Then, feeling more refreshed than I had in a long time, I toweled off, listening to my stomach growl. There was a big mirror over the sink, which I found fascinating. We didn’t have mirrors at the Compound, except for tiny ones in the shower, meant for shaving. Because vanity is a sin.
Except for the occasional reflection off of a window, I hadn’t seen myself properly in years. I thought of myself as a scrawny thing. So I was surprised to find that my shoulders were much broader than they used to be. I looked stronger and more solid than I’d thought.
My face wasn’t the same as I remembered, either. I saw a squarer jaw then I used to have, and my hair was bleached out from the summer’s sunshine. Not half bad, I realized.
Standing there, I looked a long time at myself. Which was precisely why there were no mirrors in Paradise.
Wearing a towel, I tiptoed back in the room, testing the seams of my clothing again.
“They’re not dry, I’ll bet,” Caleb said sleepily.
“Not quite,” I said, keeping my voice low, though there was nobody else here to eavesdrop on us. I wasn’t used to being alone with Caleb. It seemed impossibly luxurious. Even better than a long shower.
If I’d thought he would be embarrassed to wake up in that bed with me, I’d thought wrong. He raised his arms up over his head, which made more of his fine chest visible, and smiled at me. “Happy to see you on your feet. Come here.” He patted the empty bed beside him.
Feeling self-conscious, I padded over there and perched on the edge.
Caleb sat up, and I put all my focus on keeping my eyes where they should be, and not letting them wander down his bare chest. Ever since we were fifteen, and he began to fill out, the ridges and valleys of his abs have fascinated me. I’ve had to be very disciplined with myself, or I’d always be staring at them.
He reached up and put a palm on my forehead. “Well, you just got out of the shower, which should heat you up. But I think…” he leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead, the way my mother used to check for fever when I was small.
All my blood stopped circulating.
“Hmm,” he said, backing off a few inches. “You kicked it, didn’t you? The fever broke?”
But speaking now would have been impossible. Because I was just too aware of his body, and the way his pecs had brushed mine when he’d (sort of) kissed me. So a shrug was all I could manage.
“We have to wait for our clothes to dry. Yours were coated in dirt,” he
said, grabbing his pillow and punching it against the headboard. He sat back. “Bring that knapsack over here, would you? I have a little food.”
I shot up and practically sprinted across the room, needing a little distance. Sure enough, a sporty backpack sat on the floor. “That’s Ezra’s,” I said, whirling around in shock.
Caleb chuckled. “It was Ezra’s. As were the twenty-dollar bills I found inside it.” Then his smile faded. “I shouldn’t have taken so long at the compound, though. Trying to get supplies slowed me down. And then I had to hide near the gate for hours, because Abloom and Isaac were working on the irrigation line. I didn’t know you’d be lying on the ground.” He closed his eyes. “I didn’t know.”
“I’m okay,” I said quickly. I brought him the backpack, then walked around the bed to my side.
“Can you eat? I have Miriam’s corn bread.” He pulled a loaf out of the bag. It was wrapped in wax paper.
I stared at that package. “She gave you the whole thing?”
He gave me a sad nod. “I went to say goodbye to her. It was only fair.”
Wow. I couldn’t imagine what that had been like. Saying goodbye forever to the girl you wanted to marry? “What did she say?”
Caleb blew out an unhappy breath. “She cried. And she said she didn’t blame me.” He shook his head, miserable. “She’s the only thing that could even make me feel bad about leaving.”
“I’ll bet,” I said. “You’re in love with her.”
Caleb tipped his head back and stared at the ceiling. “Is that what you think?”
“Well… yeah.” Wasn’t he?
“Never was,” he said, his voice flat. “But I wanted people to think so.”
“Why?”
He brought both hands up, draping them over his head. “If you don’t know, I’ll tell you sometime.”
Okayyy. It wasn’t like Caleb to be mysterious. But I didn’t press him. “Can we eat cornbread now?”
With a sad grin, he said, “sure.”
Four
“CHECK-OUT TIME IS eleven o’clock,” Caleb said, stepping into his jeans. “And we can’t afford to stay another night. We couldn’t really afford last night, either. But it was an emergency.”