Chapter 14
Gus, Boggs, and Emilie had been able to keep it together enough at the general store to stock up on supplies before we left while Susan, Louisa, and I had stayed in the van. The rear of the vehicle was now piled high with boxes of food and cases of water. Boggs had grabbed fishing poles and gear. Emilie had been smart enough to raid the feminine hygiene aisle, and had also grabbed cans of baby formula and diapers for Louisa and the baby. A lot of the store’s supplies had been perishable and had long ago gone bad. Gus had recovered the sawed-off shotgun from the man I had killed. These days nothing could be wasted, not even weapons that had taken the life of a friend.
I sat in the back of the step van wrapped in a blanket, looking at the supplies without much interest. Louisa had fallen asleep on the floor of the van from exhaustion and her head was resting on Susan’s lap. She continued to breathe unevenly in her sleep from her long bout of sobbing. Susan stayed seated to accommodate her sleeping friend, and gently stroked the newly widowed girl’s hair. Emilie was riding up front with Gus and Boggs sat next to me, deep in thought.
Eventually we arrived back at the cabin. It was late and eerily dark outside. A wind was blowing in gusts, whipping at the tree branches violently. Leaves had built up around the porch in small piles. Gus parked facing the cabin so we could use the headlights from the step van to see, which cast creepy shadows around the cabin.
The mood in the van was grave. I wasn’t sure I had the energy to stand and walk inside. Gus cut the engine and I heard Emilie get up and walk back to talk to us.
“We’re here, guys,” she said quietly. “Gus wants to get everyone inside quick, and we can bring supplies in afterward.”
Boggs looked at me. “You ready, Zo?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Sue?” Boggs called to his old fling quietly.
She looked up and seemed unaware that we had even stopped. Her face had a look of blankness. “Hmm?” she replied.
“I’ll come back for Louisa as soon as we get the door open. I’ll need time to clear the way to the back doors so we can get her out. Can you sit there with her for a couple minutes?’
Susan nodded. “Ya sure.”
“Zoe, I hate to ask ‘cause I know you’re tired, but once you are inside can you go upstairs, light a candle and turn down Louisa’s bed? I’ll be right behind you with her,” said Boggs. He looked up and addressed Susan next. “Emilie and Gus will make sure you get in safely.”
Susan nodded in understanding.
Gus had already exited the van through the driver’s door. Boggs took a moment to explain. “Gus is just checking out the rope knot he tied on the front door. He’ll come back to let us know it’s clear soon.”
“Where’s Em?” I asked in a whisper, realizing she wasn’t near anymore.
“She’s covering him with my pistol while he unties the knot,” he answered.
“Ok,” was all I said.
We sat and waited for several minutes before Gus returned to fetch me.
“Ok, Zoe, the cabin’s all clear darlin’. Emilie lit a couple candles in the kitchen so go ahead and take one upstairs with you.”
I nodded and then looked at Boggs.
“Go ahead and go up and I’ll be right behind you with Louisa. Five minutes tops,” Boggs reassured me.
“Ok,” I said sleepily. “I’ll get the bed ready.”
I stood and kept the blanket wrapped around me. I made sure none of it dragged at my feet to avoid tripping. I climbed out through the cab and walked to the front door. Emilie was standing there with the Kahr. She looked pale and washed out from the headlights.
“It’ll be ok, Zoe,” she said quietly as I passed her. “We’ll all be in soon. I promise.”
I nodded silently then stepped across the threshold. The kitchen felt empty. Perhaps it was me that felt empty. I walked to the table and picked up one of the candles that Em had lit. I quietly walked to the stairs and climbed to the second floor. It was so quiet that I could hear the back doors of the step van opening when I reached the end of the hallway and prepared to enter Louisa and Julio’s room. I walked in and stepped between Susan’s twin bed and Louisa’s queen. I set the candle on the bedside table and pulled the covers down to the foot of the bed. I absently fluffed the pillows. I wished there was more I could do to help, but how do you fix a life lost?
Within a minute or two Boggs appeared at the door to the bedroom with Louisa in his arms. She was awake now, but barely. I could see fresh tears on her cheeks. I had no words to comfort her. Boggs carried her to the bed and gently laid her down. Susan appeared next and walked to the other side of the bed. She reached across and pulled Louisa’s shoes off of her feet for her. She kicked her own off, and then climbed into the bed with the pregnant girl. Boggs and I were standing on opposite sides of the bed, and both helped to pull the covers over them. Boggs leaned down and kissed Louisa on the forehead. He and I left the room without speaking, leaving the door open part way.
Once in the hallway, Boggs whispered to me. “Gus and Emilie just started bringing in the supplies from the van. I’m gonna go help them, then be back up. It shouldn’t take long. Will you be ok?”
“I think so,” I whispered back. “I’m just going to lie down if that’s ok?”
He wrapped his strong arms around me. “Of course it’s ok, Zo.”
I watched him descend the stairs, then walked into our bedroom and fumbled for the candle and lighter that we kept in the nightstand drawer. I found them quickly, and lit the candle. I walked the flickering light to the vanity and set it down. The last thing I wanted was to be alone in the dark. I kept my clothes on, too tired to worry about changing for the night. I collapsed onto the bed and turned to face the candle on the vanity. I watched the flickering patterns it produced on the wall and tried to not think about anything. I closed my eyes and made a wish that when I open them next I would be back in my own home, and that none of this would have happened. I found myself unable to open my eyes when I tried. Not unable physically, but unable mentally, because I knew that if I opened them nothing would have changed.
I began to cry, softly at first. My tears continued and it became difficult to breathe. I wanted my mom to hold me in her arms and tell me everything would be ok. I wanted to curl up into a shrinking ball and disappear. I wanted Julio to be back with us. I wanted the man I had shot to never have existed.
Through my tears and sobbing, I heard a soft knock on our open bedroom door.
“Zoe, may I come in and talk to you darlin’?” asked Gus quietly.
I tried to answer, but found myself only able to exhale in a jagged pattern. Gus walked through the doorway and sat on the bed beside me. He placed a hand on my back and tried to soothe me.
“Zoe, I’m guessing the others don’t know what it feels like to take another human life. I was in combat, so I do. There are no secret words of comfort, and to be honest everyone has to come to terms with it on their own. I just want you to know that you made the right decision, and that you saved lives today.”
“It’s not just that, Gus,” I said between ragged breaths. “I saw Julio die. Louisa needs him, how could he die?”
“It’s no one’s fault but the old coot that pulled the trigger, Zoe.”
“But if I would have thought to grab the gun sooner, maybe I could have saved him. Julio, I mean.”
“Zoe, I want you to sit up.”
I sniffled, and slowly pushed myself up to a sitting position beside the man I had grown to trust with my own life over the past several days.
“Listen to me, darlin.’ It is not your fault Julio died. If you ask yourself the ‘what if’s’ you’ll go crazy. It sucks, losing him, and we all need to be there for Louisa now. You. Me. All of us.”
I nodded, not knowing wha
t to say.
He continued. “I took the liberty of going through Wanda’s purse. I figured since she had terminal cancer she would probably have some meds with her. If I give you a pill will you take it? To help you sleep?”
“If I do, promise to listen for zombies tonight?” I asked through my tears.
He sighed softly and ruffled my hair, then placed his forehead against mine. “I promise,” he said softly and very seriously.
“’Kay.”
“I gave Louisa one too.”
He handed me a small white pill, and I swallowed it without water.
“Climb under the covers, Zoe. I’ll send Boggs up.”
He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. “It’ll get easier. I promise. And if you need to talk, I’m here.”
“Thanks, Gus,” I said.
“Promise me you’ll find me if you need to talk.”
I nodded and then slid under the covers as instructed, and Gus tucked me in. My eyes felt heavy, and my heart heavier.
I woke sometime during the night and Boggs wasn’t beside me. The candle had either burnt out or been blown out, leaving the room dark. I felt the bed beside me, even though I was sure Boggs wasn’t there. I listened and heard the remaining two men in our group talking. Their voices came from somewhere downstairs. I heard the wind howling outside and rain hitting the metal flashing around the fireplace outlet. I was terribly cold.
I climbed out of bed and wrapped a blanket around myself. I crept to the bathroom using the light in the hallway that came from the fireplace downstairs. After drinking water from the faucet using my hands, I relieved my bladder and then washed my hands and face. I walked downstairs and found Gus, Emilie, and Boggs all sitting near the fire.
“Hey, Zoe,” said Emilie. “You ok sweetie?”
“I woke up, I think from the storm.”
Boggs patted the seat next to him. “Come sit?”
I walked to the loveseat and sat close beside him.
“You should still be out cold,” said Gus.
“I’ve always hated storms,” I admitted as I sat. “They freak me out.”
As I spoke, thunder sounded in the distance, amplified by the echo effect of the mountains and valleys surrounding us. I must have jumped slightly because Boggs wrapped an arm around me reassuringly.
“Sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up,” said Boggs as he kissed the side of my head. “When I came up you were sound asleep.”
“We were just talking about tomorrow,” said Emilie, changing the topic. “We still have the bones from the fire to deal with.”
I drew my feet up onto the couch and nestled in against Boggs even harder.
“What can we do for Louisa?” I asked quietly.
I felt Boggs sigh and he tightened his arm around me. I laid my head on his chest.
“Just be there for her,” said Gus.
“Susan seems to really care about her. Maybe she’s ok after all,” I said, directly followed by a yawn.
Thunder sounded again, this time sounding closer. The wind continued to scream and rain beat against the front of the cabin. I was glad to be surrounded by friends and the warmth from the fire. I was glad to be home.
“Winter will be here before you know it,” said Gus. “We need to prepare. The fireplace will help, but not enough. We should be watching for a wood stove to install, get wood cut, split, and curing, stock up on food. Snow will get deep here in the mountains. I’m hoping most of what we’ll need we can scrounge up from abandoned homes. Gear for canning, warmer clothes and blankets. ”
I tried to focus on Gus’ voice instead of the storm.
“Canning gear?” asked Emilie. “Great for next summer, but why get it now?”
Gus looked at her. “We’ll can fish and any meat we hunt this winter,” he answered. “And who knows if we’ll be able to drive the roads next summer. We always need to think ahead, and get what we can now.”
“Makes sense,” she said.
Boggs picked up the conversation. I could feel his chest moving as he spoke. “The step van is going to use more gas than the Explorer. It might be wise to do scouting trips in the SUV, even though it’ll haul less per trip.”
My thoughts briefly wandered to the man I had killed. I didn’t want to think about what I had done, so forced myself to listen to the conversation around me.
“Agreed,” said Gus. “I know even talking about going back out is fucking tough.”
“It’s getting cold out,” said Emilie. “I don’t think we have a choice. We have to.”
“I should go with,” I said with a lack of enthusiasm.
“Are you sure you’re up to it?” asked Boggs.
“I can help.” I looked up at Boggs. “You know I can help warn you. At least about the dead. Not so much the living.” My vision got blurry from welling tears.
“It wasn’t your fault, Zoe,” said Emilie in a serious tone.
I wiped at my eyes with the back of my arm.
“When will we go?” I asked.
“After the sun’s up,” answered Gus. “I want to leave the other girls behind, though. Louisa needs to stay put, and try to keep calm.”
“I should stay with her and Susan,” said Emilie. “They both seem like they’re pretty freaked. I honestly don’t want to separate from the three of you but I know it’s for the best.”
I nodded, took a deep breath, and sat upright. “Ok.”
The sound of the rain intensified as it turned to hail.
“Boggs?” I asked as quietly as I could.
“Ya, Zo?”
“How many days has it been now?”
He sighed heavily. “I’ve lost count. A couple weeks?”
“Tomorrow’s day eighteen,” answered Gus. “I’ve been keeping track.”
Emilie whistled softly. “Over two weeks? Already?” She snuggled up against Gus.
“Yup,” he mumbled with a hint of sadness. “That long. I’d like to have enough supplies stocked up for winter within a week,” he continued. “We’ll drive the step van to the Explorer and start by getting it back here. We’ll take the gas in the bucket to the Explorer, add it, and siphon the next car we come across once we’re on the road.”
“Are we going all the way back to the wreck?” I asked. “It seems so far.”
“We’ll head the other way,” said Boggs. “But if we go more than ten miles without seeing a source for gas we’ll need to turn around.”
“How about siphoning from the step van from the get-go?” asked Emilie.
“Good idea, Red,” said Gus. “I just don’t want to waste any by transferring back and forth. And I want the step van drivable in case you girls need it while we’re gone.”
“Sounds good,” she said.
“Em, I’m hoping we’re back before dark. If we’re not, just stay inside and keep the door shut and locked. I had hoped to build a safe room before we leave, but we need to get underway. I want to leave you with my shotgun and Susan with Julio’s. I’ll go over both with you girls before we leave,” added Gus.
“What about you guys?” she asked.
I sat listening while Gus continued. “Boggs will keep the Kahr. I’ll take the sawed-off shotgun from the old guy with me. I don’t want to leave it here with Louisa. It seems like bad karma.” He looked over at me. “Zoe, I want you to bring the revolver you found.”
The thought of touching the small gun again made my stomach turn, but good sense made me rise to the occasion. “No problem,” I said, being as strong as I could..
“Good girl,” whispered Boggs as he took my hand in his.
“Once the weather clears we need to venture to Lake Arrow, see about catching some fish,” said Gus.
Em moaned gently. “Fresh food would be so good.”
I turned toward the
stairs when I heard the subtle squeaking of someone walking down from the second story.
“Susan. How’s Louisa?” asked Gus.
“She’s still sleeping. She’s been tossing and turning a lot, crying out. I’m not sure what else to do for her.”
Susan looked tired. She sat on the arm of the couch where Boggs and I were situated and the men filled her in on plans. None of us were thrilled with the prospect of separating. The day promised to be emotionally trying.
I woke alone on the loveseat. My back was stiff from not being able to stretch on the cramped sofa. I could hear the others talking in the kitchen, and to my delight I smelled coffee. I stood and stretched, and followed the aroma to the group at the table.
“Morning, Zo,” said Boggs.
“Morning,” I said back to him. “Where’d the coffee come from?”
“They brought it back with us last night,” answered Susan. “Grab a cup and come sit down. I was just headed up to check on Louisa.”
“Thanks,” I said.
I took her seat and let Boggs serve me a cup of coffee from a French press we had found a few days back in our cabin’s own kitchen.
“There’s no creamer but we have a can of condensed milk. Want some?” asked Em.
I nodded my head. “Ya, sure.”
She scooped a spoonful of the thick creamy substance into my mug and stirred it for me. I gratefully took the cup from her and sipped. It was wonderfully warm, strong, sweet, and soothing.
“I never knew you had to spoon condensed milk,” I said absently. The milk was thick like caramel.
Gus pushed his chair back and stood. “I’m heading up to check on Louisa and Susan. I’ll probably give her another of Wanda’s sedatives, and then we should head out. Em, I’ll want to go over the guns with you and Susan.”
“Ok,” she said between sips of her own coffee.
Gus and Boggs spent time with both Susan and Emilie showing them the basics of the firearms that were being left with them. The girls both took the instructions seriously, making the lessons go more quickly than they might have otherwise. Louisa had woken for a brief period, but cried herself back to sleep. Gus left the sedatives with Susan with specific instructions should Louisa need any while we were gone. He encouraged both girls to work at getting fluids into Louisa, and mentioned that food would be a bonus if they could get her to eat. Gus said his good-bye to Emilie, and I could tell by their long embrace that they both knew it might be the last time they touched. It made me suddenly glad to be going with the men, knowing that if Boggs or I were to die today, at least we’d be together.
I quickly hugged Emilie once she and Gus had finished, and could tell she was fighting hard to hold in tears. Boggs hugged Susan briefly using just one arm, and I noticed him whisper something to her. Under the circumstances, I chose to not read into it.
“Ok, let’s get going,” said Gus. “Susan, Emilie, we’ll drive the step van to the Explorer and get it up and running. We’ll drive both back here and position the van for you girls. It’ll be a mode of escape incase anything happens.”
“Where would we go?” asked Susan.
Gus sighed. “Honestly, I’m not sure. Just get to safety. You’ll have about a third of a tank of gas. We’d find you. Somehow. If you have to leave, build a fire just before dusk every night. We’ll watch for smoke. And if it comes down to it, try not to run the tank dry because you might have to move again.”
“We’ll put a bundle of kindling and a lighter in the back of the van. Supplies for a few days, too. I doubt you’ll need them but I’d rather have you prepared,” added Boggs. “We’ll leave the keys in the glove box.”
It took another ten minutes to ready the van. Susan went back upstairs when she heard Louisa crying again. Emilie shut the door behind us, and we heard the intricate lock system Gus had created with Julio’s help engage. Boggs, Gus, and I climbed into the cab and the men encouraged me to take the driver’s seat. They explained that they both wanted me to be more familiar with the rig. I drove us down the rugged driveway to where the Explorer waited. I focused on my own mind, and didn’t sense anything amiss. Boggs fetched the bucket that held about two gallons or so of gasoline and he and Gus walked with it to the SUV. They used a medium sized funnel they had found inside the shed to pour the fuel into the gas tank, preventing spillage. I stayed in the cab of the van, my revolver sitting beside me on the wide dashboard. I was glad to be inside, since the storm from the night before had left everything wet. I watched as they put the bucket, a hose, and the funnel into the back of the car for our trip. Boggs got into the SUV and cranked the ignition a few times before it started up. He pulled the SUV back to the middle of the road, and inched forward. Gus opened the driver’s door to the van and instructed me to scoot over to the passenger side so he could back the rig up toward the cabin. There wasn’t an area large enough to turn the van around.
“Gus?” I asked as he drove backward.
“Ya, darlin’?” he answered.
“We should leave the girls with siphoning supplies.”
“That we should. Think you can scrounge the glove box for a pen and paper and write down instructions?”
“Ya, sure.”
“There’s a hose in the shed I’ll cut down and I’ll find a container and some sort of funnel for them.”
I looked through the glove box and found a receipt from a hardware store, and an old ball point pen. It took a few tries until the ink would flow. I wrote out a brief note and simple instructions that Gus relayed to me. He had me asterisk the last step, which was to not siphon from large trucks because they might contain diesel, which would ruin the engine.
Now back at the cabin, Gus backed the van up so it ran alongside the front porch. He explained that it would put the driver’s door in easy reach should the girls need to flee in a hurry.
“Go ahead and switch over to the Explorer, Zoe,” Gus instructed me. “I’ll grab a couple things from the shed for the girls and be right over.
“Ok,” I said as I climbed down from the van.
“Don’t forget your pistol, Zoe,” he reminded me.
I reached my hand out and he handed it to me. “Thanks. I’m pretty foggy from whatever you gave me last night.”
I walked to the Explorer, revolver in hand, and opened the door behind Boggs. I climbed into the vehicle, glad to be out of the damp and cold.
“What’s Gus doing?” asked Boggs.
“He’s grabbing siphoning gear for the van, for the girls,” I answered.
“Good idea,” he said.
“I wrote out instructions for them. I just hope they don’t need to leave for any reason.”
“We’ll try to not be gone long,” he said.
Gus was back from the shed within minutes. I watched out the back of the Explorer as he hauled a small bucket, a section of garden hose, and a homemade funnel to the van. He fumbled in the cab for several seconds before climbing down and joining us in the SUV.
“Did you put the keys in the glove box?” asked Boggs.
“You bet,” answered Gus.
Boggs had turned the heater on before following us back to the cabin and the Explorer was just starting to warm inside. We went through a final checklist, and then proceeded back down the drive to the highway. Once we reached the main road, we drove back the way we had originally come so many days ago, knowing that we hadn’t enough fuel to make it as far as the crash site we had siphoned from the day before. Gus and Boggs both agreed it would be wisest to stay quiet for the drive, allowing me to focus on any intrusions into my mind. I watched the trees pass as we drove. Leaves had changed colors and many had fallen since we had driven this way last.
“I see snow on that peak,” I said softly.
“Me too,” said Gus. “Winter’s comi
ng early. I can feel it.”
“How’s the gas, Boggs?” I asked.
“We have maybe five miles till we have to turn around, Zo.”
After awhile Gus spotted a blue minivan off on the side of the road, nose-end in a ditch. We stopped and all three of us got out, careful to stay alert. The passenger doors on the van were open and the inside was covered in blood. The ditch was filled with water from the storm that had blown through during the night. Tears came to my eyes when I saw a child’s teddy bear, stained with blood, floating in the murky water by the front tire. I felt my breathing quicken when I realized the water was dark with blood.
Boggs walked up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “We have to keep it together, Zoe,” he whispered. “There’s nothing we can do for them.” I knew he was referencing the people who had been in the minivan.
I nodded my head silently, wiping away the tears. Rain started to fall again, as if crying in my place. Not wanting to, but needing to, I stepped closer to the open slider door of the vehicle and looked inside more closely. The interior was light gray, or rather had been. It was mostly blood-stained now. The bench seats in the middle and back had been slashed and ripped. The windows were streaked with blood. When I took notice of a tiny red handprint on the window next to me, I covered my mouth with my left hand and turned away. I had to bite on my own fist to keep quiet. I was filled not only with great sadness, but also with rage.