CHAPTER 8
the Fourth and Final Whizzling-Firebeam Asteroid Shower
Just as we had planned, on our way back to Jupiter we stopped in to have a look at the success of Garbotron. In our brief absence the Quiggs had completely transformed the planet. At first we thought we had arrived at the wrong system. There was no trace of garbage. The dense smog barrier encasing the planet had fully dissipated, allowing vital sunlight to resurrect the dormant core of life. The once dead land had already begun to heal itself in profound ways, sprouting miles of lush forestry and flowing rivers. The Great Salted Desert-Land of Garbotron, dried-up seemingly beyond repair from ages of having been used as the primary dumpsite for potato chip crumbs, was now a paradisiacal oasis. We spotted a new evolution of mammal-creatures peacefully drinking from freshly formed pools of the purest crystalline water.
It was evident that bringing a Quigg to Garbotron was one of our great triumphs amidst multitudes of disastrous decisions. In our mission to save one world we inadvertently saved another.
Arrival at Jupiter was an incredible sight. Thousands of ships belonging to Investment Banker Protests were forming a message with their classic hand drawn signs held up against windows, this time reading:
YES
Everyone had heard about the mysterious looping broadcast that had interrupted Johnny Guitar's show. Legions of ammonia-based vapor-beings crawled from the wood-works of space and placed calls to uninterested receptionists at Radio Cygnus, requesting to know about Jupiter. It seems they had been having a hard time finding a suitable uninhabited planet, being just a bunch of toxic clouds that couldn't go to most places without destroying the atmosphere and killing whatever life happened to already be living there. As a result, the Vapors found themselves endlessly drifting through space, homeless. They were incredibly happy with the news of Jupiter and announced they were on their way to the new world.
Word spread about the selfless good deed Johnny Guitar had performed. A wealthy family had been so moved by the story that they decided to spend a little money on a house-warming present for the Vapors. They employed the sign-making skills of the Investment Banker Preservationists to display a positive message as the Vapors arrived. The IBP had long ago put aside their protest movement. They were undeniably brilliant at coordinating space-messages, getting so many offers for their service that it eventually left them little time for protests. They were a now a full-time sign-making business, but hadn't bothered to change their name. For the right price any message can be displayed prominently enough to be seen by the naked eye from up to 17 light years away. The wealthy family in question weren't against giving out the occasional gift, but they were still extraordinarily cheap, and being that IBP messages are steeply charged by the letter, it was decided the message should simply be the affordable word 'yes,' the most succinct positive message anyone could think of. One of the cheapest members of the family did try to lobby for the word 'n,' which in Lincran dialect can sometimes mean 'peace,' but it was decided the word 'n' is too easily mistranslated into something offensive in a thousand other alien languages.
“All those years ago humans thought the voice of Johnny Guitar was a race of Vapor-Beings,” I said. “Now we've used that voice to bring such life here. One can't deny that as a premonition.”
“It's a shame that fake Johnny Guitar is getting credit for saving Jupiter,” grumbled Rip.
“Right now I know a character named Milt is giving us credit for saving his world,” said Wilx. “I guess that's good enough for me.”
Suddenly the fourth and final Whizzling-Firebeam Asteroid shower began.
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