Read Green Jean Humor: Volumes 31-34 Page 3


  Andrea: Be real, for a second, will you? Back in school (which by the way, I curse, because it is wretched state institution), one of my best friends was a guy named Louis and he was a big feminist. Men like women can be both good and bad.

 

  Brenda: Your words which you consider music, are abrasive noise to my ears.

 

  Andrea: If you think all men are evil, do you then think all women are good?

 

  Brenda: At least better than men.

 

  Andrea: Do you think your rigid categorization is good?

 

  Brenda: Males are absolutely bad!

 

  Andrea: Your theories are full of holes. All males are not all bad. Do you really, in your heart of hearts, believe in this rubbish nonsense?

 

  Brenda: I believe.... I believe...

 

  Andrea: You don't really believe this baloney? Could it be that you don't really hates males, but just need a scapegoat?

 

  Brenda: Stop it! I do not enjoy this questioning.

 

  Andrea: I am attempting to demonstrate your vast foolishness. What is it that is so horrible about males that you believe pervades every single member of that gender, which compels you to generalize?

 

  Brenda: Intuition, intuition has proven me correct.

 

  Andrea: You are quite the carcinogen. Emancipation will come when we realize that both men and women are people, both equal and both deserving equal treatment. Your ideology is nothing but a stumbling block for this emancipation.

 

  Brenda: You are just way too dependent on the male sex. Eradicate males!

 

  Andrea: If anything needs to be eradicated it is primitive mindsets like yours. Your tendencies are regressive.

 

  Brenda: All males are evil! I will not budge from this conviction. No philosophical inquiry will cause me to change my ways. I stand stubborn as an ox.

 

  Andrea: Your ways are destroying our ambition for harmony. Reform yourself and our society here will follow suit.

 

  Brenda: Fine, then, I shall create a faction of male hating women! She who believes males are best kept out of female hairs, stand up and be counted!

 

  Tiffany: I think I dig your groovy philosophies. I'm with you! You are a vehemently determined person. I dig following people like that.

 

  Brenda: Anyone else wise like her?

 

  Jennifer: If you compromised your absolutism and would be open to listen, maybe we could talk. You spirit could be useful for a mistress, but mistresses are not guided by hate.

 

  Brenda: Tiffany and I are gone!

 

  (And thus they left the scene

  GJH 32

  by Andrew Bushard

  "Monarchy for Sale" sung to the tune of the Dead Kennedy's "Anarchy for Sale"

 

  Step right up subjects

  Monarchy for Sale

 

  Hamburgers only $2 dollars

  Sundaes only $1.50

  I stole the crown logo

  I never asked the crown

  I never worshipped them either

 

  Buy Buy from the Royal Crown

  It's Burger King, a proletarian craze

  Fast food has become noble

 

  It's Monarchy

  for Sale

  Monarchy for Sale

  Monarchy for Sale

 

  Get your crowns and your gowns

  Got to vilify royalty for the profit

  Buy monarchy American style

  It's capitalism that has brought Monarchy down the most

 

  Hey you

  Get those democracy flyers of my wall

  No egalitarianism in a fast food joint

  Political systems have no meaning anymore

 

  Monarchy for sale

  Monarchy for sale

  Monarchy for sale

 

  Monarchy sucks

  But it's still everywhere

  Isn't monarchy defunct

  No, as long as capitalism can use it

  it's not

 

  Monarchy for sale

  Monarchy for sale

  Monarchy for sale

  Andrew Bushard, yes Andrew Bushard is getting on the ultra Nationalist Americanistic bandwagon

 

  All the folks who say "America: Like it or leave it" are right! Yes, they are right!

 

  All the folks who say "If you don't like it, get out" are correct, they are not wrong!

 

  Yes, I agree with these folks. Yes, you are reading this right. There are no problems with your eyes or your understanding!

 

  Who complains more about American Society than folks like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell?

 

  To Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and other like minded fundamentalists who do not hesitate to complain about how rotten American Society is, I say "Like it or leave it!"

  The Declaration of the Anti Rummage Sale Society:

 

  Whereas rummages sales desecrate our fine city

  Whereas rummage sales are very tacky

  Whereas rummage sales take away money from legitimate businesses

  Whereas rummage sales are not taxed

  Whereas rummages sales are dishonest and crooked

 

  Be it resolved We have founded the Anti Rummage Sale Society on this day

  Be it further resolved: The Anti Rummage Sale Society Shall Continue Until all rummage sales will be abolished

  The Freedom from Faith Foundation is angry!

 

  They Very Well Should Be!

 

  Why?

 

  This time it's this religionist prosecutor in a court in New York City. Most everyone else views him as compassionate and inventive. Not the Freedom from Faith Foundation. They think he is Hitler Incarnate!

 

  This Prosecutor, Derrick Samolson has a special technique he uses. Like other prosecutors he utilizes plea bargains, but his plea bargains are done with a unique twist.

 

  Instead of promising reduced sentences, lesser charges or other typical prosecutor offers, he offers all non Christian defendants this deal: "If you accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior, you're free to go without any fines, jail time, probation, criminal record or any other punishment, but if you refuse to accept the lord you will face the maximum possible penalty". What a great deal! One might ask what does he do about Christians? He lets them go free regardless of the charge or the facts of the case.

 

  The FFFF is furious. They encourage you to write tons of letters to the Attorney General of New York and to do a sit in the attorney general's office starting August 5, which is to call on the Attorney General to fire this prosecutor.

 

  But everyone else thinks he's the greatest conception to come around since sliced bread. More people support him than support the FFFF. We hope the FFFF folds and he is able to continue his novel prosecuting way until eternity

  I have a serious issue

 

  I feel so alienated, so alone.

 

  I feel like no one understands my plight.

 

  I have a very unusual gender situation.

 

  This is a feeling I cannot shake. It will not go away. It won't fade.

 

  I'll just have to deal with it.

 

  I can't help but feel

 

  I'm a MAN born in a MAN's body

  Ru
ral Misfits (Part Two)

 

  Amanda: The promised land has almost come. It will come. Just you wait!

 

  Tamatha: If the Capitalist class continues to hoard profits -- only misery for the masses is possible and peace for the narrow ruling class.

 

  Wendy: This is worse than the monastery. I'm gone.

 

  (Thus she left too)

 

  Mindy: I feel worse than an erudite Rodney Dangerfield.

 

  Tamatha: Another one harmed by capitalism

 

  Sheila: I love y'all, but we must tap into the power of the oneness to be fulfilled. The oneness isn't legalistic, isn't based on faith, morality or love or any of that. The oneness is bigger than that.

 

  Angela: I have just completed my newest poem. Do you all want to hear it?

 

  Jennifer: Not now! Is it about pain and sadness?

 

  Angela: The interpretation is up to you. Do you all want to hear it?

 

  Mindy: No! I assume it doesn't glorify me!

 

  Alexa: Sure, let's hear it.

 

  Andrea: Go for it!

 

  Amanda: Poetry is nice for the soul!

 

  May: Poetry is sinful. It inhibits nationhood.

 

  Amanda: That's why it is virtuous!

 

  Melissa: No you got it all wrong. We do need nations, nations of separate peoples, peoples who cannot survive together. Separation = salvation. That is all there is to it.

 

  Amanda: My vision of harmony differs considerably. Bold humanity of all shapes, sizes and tones dancing together, playing together in peace. Separation = extinction. Let all races of humanity come together as one and love all our brethren. Comrades, we deserve no less.

 

  Mindy: Correction: you are not speaking for me. You are speaking for yourself. Stop the "we" talk. I order it!

 

  Amanda: Sister, we are egalitarian. Order don't fly in our egalitarian environment. It is all mutual. We love each other and the earth. I love the sun. I love the moon. I love the grass. I love the flowers. I love the animals. I love the breeze. I love the rain.

 

  Mindy (cutting Amanda off): Stop this diatribe. You live in a dream world. Hasn't mainstream society told you that dreaming is detrimental and working for a better life is foolish?

 

  Amanda: I want the best for our land and I will not sell us short. It's a hard struggle, granted, but it sure will not be achieved if not tried.

 

  Melissa: No, you got it all wrong. What we need is a nation of separatists. Let's start a nation of separatists. I'm evacuating this barren dump.

 

  (She leaves as does Lucy but Lucy goes in a different direction)

 

  (Each decided to start a non racist colony for only those who believe in separation of races, whether black or white).

 

  Amanda: I feel the positive energy increases twenty fold with each passing minute. A free earth is almost upon us. I can sense it.

 

  Mindy: Who cares about positive or negative energy. I care about me.

 

  Angela: You seem troubled. Compose a poem about your strife.

 

  Mindy: What's in it for me?

 

  Angela: Exhilaration! Invigoration!

 

  Mindy: Why do you endorse poetry?

 

  Angela: I cannot imagine life without poetry

 

  Mindy: Goodness gracious. Poetry is quite important to you.

 

  Angela: Poetry is everything to me!

 

  Mindy: Will I obtain riches from composing a poem?

 

  Angela: I shall address that question like this: Poetry is not often very profitable money wise. That's pragmatically true. Poetry is passion. Passion doesn't always translate well to the vendors, therefore it does not sell. Most important though is the fact that poetry is too beautiful to cheapen as a commodity.

 

  Mindy: Commodities are too beautiful to cheapen as poetry.

 

  Angela: I love my poetry.

 

  May: I love my country.

 

  Mindy: How can your country be great if it does not obey the mores of aristocracy? How can your country be great if I'm not celebrated endlessly?

 

  Andrea: Great is the ability of each individual to achieve full brilliant destiny without any restraints.

 

  Alexa: I am who I am. I'm an anti-society fanatic. My deviant appearance merely reflects my degeneracy.

 

  Angela: That was powerful

 

  Alice: Yeah, so very powerful! I loved that clip of rhetoric that exited your mouth.

 

  Sheila: God is very profound. I feel the oneness now. Do you all feel the oneness? Who here believes in God?

 

  Amanda: I don't I believe in ultimate humanism. I put my faith in humanity not a god being. I love my fellows.

 

  Alexa: No way, do I believe in God. I do not subscribe to any doctrine. Religion affects society for the worse.

 

  Jennifer: Sure, I believe in God. Que Sera Sera. I need my next S & M slave.

 

  Alice: Believing in God is worthless

 

  Tamatha: As A strident Marxist, I do not believe in God.

 

  May: I love God. I champion the spirit de corps of God. God gave us this great country, thus we are blessed that God exists.

 

  Angela: Poets like me don't dig the deity one bit.

 

  Sandy: There are beautiful, attractive, sexy males, therefore there is a God.

 

  Mindy: Yes, it is necessary to acknowledge the existence of God to recognize my high place in the human caste system.

 

  Andrea: No Way Jose -- I say to God, to any God, to all Gods.

 

  Selena: God has allowed too much oppression to women. I do not have faith that God exists. God wouldn't allow women to be exploited to the degree we have been throughout history.

 

  Maxine: No -- God is limits. I do not have any limits. God declares way too many taboos, especially taboos against the body and taboos against sex.

 

  Sheila: Hopefully, God will gently intercede in those lives here who are vacant of the Holy Spirit. God loves all. If only we all loved him.

 

  Angela: I am inspired to share a spur of the moment poem about God, entitled 'God Who'

 

  Knock Knock

  Knock Knock

  Knock Knock

  Yo - I'm knocking

  This no response rubs me raw

  I should be mellow

  But no, I'm indifferent

  And different

  Knock Knock

  Driven crazy by lack of answer

  Knocking is way futile

  Actually, I believe knocking is pre-feudal

 

  Andrea: Very good poem. The spirit moves me.

 

  May: Awful poem. Very unpatriotic. Weirdos like you need to go up to Canada.

 

  Tamatha: What did Marx say about countries? Consider Marx. Always Consider Marx.

 

  Alice: As an anarchist, I need countries like I need another hole in my body.

 

  Mindy: Yo -- Use your poetry to honor me more! Your poem lacks glorification of aristocracy, divine hie
rarchy, and of course, me.

 

  Selena: I'm upset. Your poem isn't vehement or vigilant enough. Sit down!

 

  Maxine: Your poem is not too bad as poetry goes.

 

  Tamatha: I am totally inspired. How does it sound if I try to compose a poem myself?

 

  Angela: That sounds as if you have just entered a gold mine and you are now commencing your harvest of the spirit. Poetry is exuberance! To write poetry is to intrinsically value life. I love how you have actualized the glory of existence.

 

  Tamatha: Question, Sister Angela -- how does one name a poem?

 

  Angela: Naming is not entirely essential -- at least at the get go. First it inhibits the fantastic passion one needs to concentrate most on. First tap into your deepest well of fiery passion. Then after that, name the beautiful rhetoric with a unifying theme.

 

  Tamatha: Okay. Here goes -- Listen up you all because I need much feedback. I am a novice at this and need all the constructive criticism I can get.

 

  The day I fully transformed into a Communist

  Was a truly remarkable day

  President McCarthy, aka Ronald Reagan

  Was once again engaging in a diatribe crusade of his

  Vehemently denouncing all Communism

  I joined the Communist Party USA that day

 

  Through this day the Marxist in me is quite proud

  I made not one better choice in all my days

  I am proud eternally vigilantly of my formal allegiance,

  My allegiance and alliance to hardcore Communism

 

  Angela: Goodness, Am I impressed! I see rather familiar elements in the poem.

 

  May: Aka copyright infringements. Sue the evil wretch.

 

  Angela: No-- I am ecstatic. I am flattered that I have so profoundly influenced this budding poet. Let's demystify originality and the creative process; we will then realize that determinism is ultimately true and we shall apply this to creation.

 

  May: Forever hail the Stars and Stripes!

 

  Tamatha: My goodness! Did, I, in Archie Bunker's name. hear right what you said? You seem to be a proponent of determinism. Determinism is my love. Yes, every single force of our environment, however large or small, subtle or blatant, subconscious or conscious, plays a role in our creativity and it is absolutely impossible to not be influenced by others.

 

  Angela: Profound! Now, what do the rest of you think of this rising poet's gem?

 

  Sheila: I dislike but not abhor it. Any ideologies so antithetic to God and faith. For the writer's own reasons, I shall leave this land and partake in an infinite spiritual voyage to after my faith. The piecemeal situations which I have experienced with you, have enriched me. I leave not in bitter resentment or hatred. I leave, free, all monkeys off my back. God had an awesome calling for all of us and I heed it. I live for God and maintain only an open mind; for this is right. Have fulfilling lives with the great creator.

 

  (Off she went, never to return to that land again. She took an apprenticeship with God. She loved that)