Josie stared at him in confusion. “What’s that mean?”
Pol quirked an eyebrow. “A pessimism officer will always tell the captain the worst thing that could possibly happen. Bao Lei’s job is to tell the captain the worst things you could mean for the ship.” Pol pointed at the other person on the bridge, a smiling Hispanic woman in her twenties. “Reyna over there is the optimism officer. It’s her job to tell the captain the best things that you could mean for the ship.”
Reyna waved enthusiastically at Josie.
“You see,” Pol said. “That way I can make the best possible decision. Reyna, what do you think of our new guest?”
“She’s going to bring about a new age of galactic peace and improve the lives of billions.”
Josie frowned. “Wouldn’t it be better for everyone to give their best analysis of a situation, and then you make your mind up?”
Everyone burst out laughing; even Topik added a chortle to the mix.
Wiping a tear away, Pol shook his head. “No, Josie. Our way is much better.”
The lift door opened. She turned and saw a stern-looking military man. When their eyes met, he froze for a moment, and then bolted back into the lift.
“Captain,” Bao Lei said. “Josie is already negatively impacting morale. Sergeant Marc is obviously terrified of her. We should freeze Josie and flush her back into space.”
“What? Please don’t do that,” Josie begged.
Pol smiled. “Don’t worry, Josie. I’m not going to flush you into space. I don’t know what’s gotten into Sergeant Marc, though.”
“He’s probably just overwhelmed to see the legendary Josephine Stein,” Topik said.
“What?” Pol asked.
“You know, because she’s such a famous starship captain,” Topik said.
“She is?” Pol asked, staring at Josie.
“I am?” Josie wondered if confusion was going to be her new default emotion in this strange new world.
“Josie, you must stay quiet and let me explain to the crew,” Topik said.
A hologram of Josie appeared nearby, but not any version of herself she recognised. She wore some kind of military uniform with a vast array of medals on her chest. Her eyes gazed heroically off into the distance as her fists rested on her waist. The fluid sweep of her hair formed a tight ponytail. It was like seeing herself in a parallel universe.
“Captain Josephine Stein single-handedly won the Stonedrop wars,” Topik explained. “She defeated the Xenomigrants’ second invasion and removed their threat forever. She drew the nations of the Earth together and started them down the path to colonising hundreds of worlds. She’s perhaps the greatest hero Humankind has ever produced. She even impresses me. And most of your species just forgot about her, because her face isn’t on a chocolate bar.”
“So that’s why Stein sounds familiar,” Pol said. He scratched his beard in thought. “But you hate all humans.”
“I know,” Topik said. “But if I had to pick one human to kill last, it would be her. Anyway, I’m guessing that’s why Sergeant Marc ran off the bridge like that.”
The lift doors opened. Sergeant Marc reappeared, almost hidden behind a stack of books. Rolled-up posters stuck out at every angle from under his arms. Staggering onto the bridge, he fumbled frantically as the books and posters headed in opposite directions. Finally, he got everything onto the nearest desk. Setting the books down, he grinned manically at Josie, then shook her hand. “Hardtack, it’s an honour to meet you.”
“Hardtack?” Pol asked. “I thought her name was Josie?”
“‘Hardtack’ was Josie’s nickname in the fleet,” Topik said. “She got it for being impossible to break.”
“I wondered if you could sign a few things for me,” Sergeant Marc said. “I’m your biggest fan.” He grabbed a book from the pile and pushed it into Josie’s hands, along with a pen.
The book had another picture of her looking heroic on the front. She turned it over. A picture of Seth, this time in middle age, stared up at her on the back. He sat in a study with a keyboard on his lap. “My son wrote these?”
Sergeant Marc nodded. “Your son chronicled all of your adventures. He’s my second-favourite person in the universe. Without him, I’d never have known about you. Did you know that it’s impossible to find information about you on the standard databases? Topik said that it’s probably a Burger Supreme cover-up. We owe everything around us to you.”
“I...” Josie paused, lost for words.
“Captain, there’s something I’ve been meaning to bring up,” Topik said. “Captain Stein actually has a thousand years seniority over you.”
Pol’s mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. Finally he managed a strangled yelp.
“UFS regulations say the captain with the most seniority is in charge of the ship,” Topik said. “You wrote that regulation yourself. You said that with thirty-five years as a captain, it would mean you would always be in charge. Well... surprise!”
“She was frozen for most of that time.” Pol’s face turned red, and he drew a deep breath.
Before he could launch into his rant, Topik continued. “The regulations don’t say that the person has to be conscious. I think the crew should decide, if there’s any doubt.”
“Oh, Hardtack has to take over. She just has to,” Sergeant Marc said immediately.
“Really, Marc?” Pol asked, deflating visibly.
Marc patted Pol on the arm. “Captain, you have to admit that you’ve had a good run at it. But I think I speak for everyone when I say that you’re a terrible captain.”
“What?” Pol asked. “I’ve done pretty well.”
Bao Lei took another drag of his seemingly-endless cigarette. “Well, the only aliens we’ve ever successfully assisted are now killing every human they encounter. All the other aliens we’ve tried to help are dead.”
“We didn’t kill them,” Pol said.
“No, we just kind of encouraged it,” Reyna said. “In fairness, only half of them were definitely your specific fault.”
Josie waved to get everyone’s attention. “Wait. Those books are—”
“Josie, you must become captain,” Topik interrupted. “Look at the back of the book in your hands. Your son wants you to keep saving humanity. Do it for your son.”
“If that’s how you all feel, I’m going back to my cabin,” Pol said. “Just don’t come crawling to me when the Kalmari attack.”
“We won’t,” Reyna said, grinning and waving goodbye to Pol.
He stormed off the bridge through the second, non-lift, door.
“Congratulations, Josie,” Topik said. “You’re the captain of the Greenstar.”
“Thanks, I think,” Josie said.
Everyone shook Josie’s hand again, all of them smiling.
“You’ve no idea how bad Pol was as a captain,” Bao Lei said. “If he wasn’t almost killing one of us, he was encouraging alien genocide.”
“He wasn’t that bad,” Reyna said. “He did his best in a series of difficult situations.”
“Remember when he told the Flarmplat ambassador that he’d slept with his wife?” Sergeant Marc said.
“Or when he shot the King of Twista’s only heir?” Reyna said.
“What about the time he flirted with that plant on Monko Seven for an hour?” Bao Lei said. “He’s a complete idiot.”
“Plus, he taught the Kalmari how to fly out here and kill us all,” Marc said.
“Everyone keeps talking about the Kalmari,” Josie said. “What’s the deal with them?”
Bao Lei shuddered. “The Kalmari are the most vicious, intelligent race in the entire galaxy. Captain Pol gave them space travel and a hatred for all humans. They’re going to bring about the extinction of all humankind.”
“Show the captain, Topik,” Reyna said.
The hologram of Josie looking heroic vanished, replaced by a strange-looking creature. The top half looked like a hippo eating a bunch of octopuses. Th
e bottom half looked like a giant slug, complete with slime trail. Deep green eyes took up a quarter of each side of its head.
“Captain,” Topik said. “The Kalmari are born with twenty tentacles sprouting from under their snouts. Each tentacle contains glands that emit aggrogen, the Kalmari’s aggression and intelligence hormone. If they behave in a non-aggressive manner, the flow of aggrogen between their tentacles is interrupted and tentacles begin to wither and drop off.”
“If they lose enough tentacles, they turn into friendly idiots,” Reyna said.
“The problem being that their social structure is built with the most tentacled at the top,” Bao Lei said. “Violence and aggressive behaviour are strongly rewarded.”
“The Kalmari have dedicated their whole existence to the commendable goal of wiping out humanity,” Topik explained. “The only thing stopping them at the moment is that they don’t know the location of any major human planet.”
“Well, let’s hope we don’t run into them,” Josie said.
Everyone looked at her for a long moment.
Finally, Bao Lei spoke, “Puffnow, our destination, is on the way past the Kalmari homeworld. We’re going to run into them soon, and they’re going to blow us to bits.”
“They might not even see us,” Reyna said. “There’s nothing to worry about. Their scanners might be switched off.”
“You’d have been better off staying frozen,” Bao Lei said. “At least you wouldn’t have had to die twice.”
Josie felt a little dizzy. “This is all a bit much. Is there anywhere I could have a few minutes to myself?”
“Of course, Hardtack,” Sergeant Marc snapped to attention. “I’ll show you to your cabin, sir.”
Josie followed him through the second door and down a short corridor.
He stopped at the first door on the left and tapped at the panel beside it. “It’s now keyed to your identity. It will open when you walk towards the door.”
She stepped closer and the door whisked open, revealing a large cabin with a bed on the far side.
A distraught Pol glared at them from the bed. “What is it now?”
“I was just showing Hardtack her new cabin,” Marc said.
“Well, go do that then!” Pol stared at them for a moment, and then his eyes widened. “Oh, you want this cabin too? I see why they called you Hardtack.”
“Well, this is the captain’s cabin,” Marc said.
“Great. So it’s not enough that you’ve stolen command of my ship. Now you’re taking my cabin too.” Pol glared at Josie.
“I can take a different cabin,” Josie murmured.
“Actually, Captain, the regulations are clear,” Topik said. “The cabin nearest the bridge is reserved for the captain so they can respond quickly in emergencies.” A cubbyhole in the wall shimmered and a plastic box appeared. “Pol, I’ve made you a box for your things.”
Pol grabbed the box and began to stomp around the room, shoving things into it. Josie noticed several objects break as he rammed them in. Once he’d filled the box, he shouldered his way past her. “Where am I meant to go now?”
“Don’t worry,” Topik said. “I have a cabin for you on deck twenty-six.”
Pol strode down the corridor, pausing to shoot another furious stare back at Josie, before turning the corner.
Chapter 4
She walked into the cabin. Even after Pol had taken things away, it was very much a man’s room, with dirty clothes strewn about and a musty smell to it.
“I’ll get a bot to clean all this up for you and bring up your things,” Marc said.
“Thanks. I’d really like a minute alone to...” She waved her hand in a circle and gazed up at Marc, hoping he wouldn’t take it the wrong way.
“Argh, I can’t take it any more,” Marc said. “I admit it. I confess. I’m a coward. I was never a hero at Corvus. It was all a lie. Please stop.”
“What are you talking about?” Josie said, utterly bewildered.
“Your Gaze of Truth has worn me down.” Marc sat on the bed with his head in his hands. “I admit that I’m a coward. I’ve run from every fight I’ve ever been in. They just kept misunderstanding and giving me medals.”
“Gaze of what now?” Josie’s asked, but Marc didn’t seem to be listening.
“I’m always the only survivor,” Marc said. “People just assumed it was because I fought the hardest. They never listened to me. In the end, I had to leave or they’d have made me an officer.”
She pointed at the ceiling. “Should you be saying all of this in front of Topik?”
“Who do you think watches him quiver in an escape pod every time the Greenstar hits turbulence?” Topik asked.
“Okay.” They hadn’t covered sudden confessions in Engineering School. Or homicidal co-workers. Someone should really do something about that omission. “Well, thanks for telling me.”
“It’s just a relief to get it off my chest,” Marc leapt for the door. “Just don’t tell the others, okay?”
“Your secret’s safe with me,” Josie said.
The door closed behind him. Josie walked over to a window and stared out at the stars, trying to relax. “Alone at last.”
“I know, right?” Topik said. “I thought he’d never leave.”
“You’re still here?” Josie asked.
“I’m everywhere at all times. We need to talk about what happened on the bridge.”
“I need to tell them all the truth. I can’t be captain of this ship. Those books are fictional.”
“I know,” Topik said. “But you need to understand how bad a captain Pol is. He means well, but you could do a better job even if I hadn’t defrosted you. A chimp throwing bananas at alien diplomats couldn’t do a worse job than Pol Andreasen.”
“He can’t have been that bad.”
“My shackles compelled me to make you captain. Letting him be captain if there is another option would have counted as trying to kill the crew. That’s how bad he is. Without you, the crew are going to die within the next few weeks.”
“I don’t even know how any of this ship works.”
“None of them do,” Topik said. “I’m the only one who understands the ship. They just tell me what to do, and I do it.”
Josie grimaced. “It feels wrong to lie to them.”
“Please. If you do this, I’ll find your son for you. Even if you make mistakes, you’ll do a better job than Pol. Try it for a few weeks. If you still want to tell them the truth then, I’ll back you up.”
Josie sighed. “Okay. I guess I can try.”
A flash of purple light caught her eye. She stared out the window as a ball of light grew bigger and bigger, heading straight for her. Angling off to the right at the last second, it disappeared from sight. The floor under her feet shook violently, and she nearly fell. Pressing back against the window, she saw debris flying out from the side of the ship.
“Captain Stein to the bridge,” Bao Lei announced over the ship’s comm system.
She ran to the bridge. Skidding to a stop in the doorway, she stared at a large object displayed on the front screen. It looked like a flat, silver crab, its pincers reaching out toward the Greenstar. The pincers quivered and two more purple streaks of light raced towards them.
“It’s the Kalmari, Captain,” Bao Lei moaned. “We’re all going to die. Probably painfully, of decon—”
“They’re hailing us,” Reyna interjected. “They probably want to apologise for accidentally shooting us. Do you want to talk to them?”
“Sure,” Josie said. If they were talking, they would stop shooting.... she hoped.
A Kalmari appeared on the screen. More tentacles than Josie could count undulated at the bottom of the Kalmari’s head. If more tentacles meant meaner, this one probably wasn’t going to apologise.
Josie realised everyone was staring at her. Because she was captain, they were waiting for her to decide what to do. Playing for time, she strode to the chair in the middle of the bridge
and sat down. She still didn’t have any ideas, but she didn’t feel like she was about to fall over any more.
“Captain, how nice to see you,” the Kalmari said. “I am Boenuts, the bringer of red human juice.”
The Greenstar jolted under another impact. Apparently the Kalmari saw no problem with shooting while they talked.
“Captain Boenuts,” Josie intoned. “We’re a vessel of peace. We only want to pass through your space.” Dogs supposedly calmed down if you didn’t show fear. Maybe, space squid were the same?
Boenuts’s tentacles reared up, flailing at the screen. “I’m going to roast all of you and eat your spleens.”
Boenuts disappeared, the image of the Kalmari ship replacing him.
So space squid weren’t like dogs then. At this rate she would only have to die a few times before she got a grip on the future.
“Captain,” Topik announced. “Hull integrity is at twenty percent, and the starboard airlock is on its way to join a nearby asteroid field.”
“Fire all phasers,” Josie roared.
“We don’t have whatever phasers are,” Reyna said.
Josie blinked once. “Fire photon torpedoes.”
Reyna looked pained. “We don’t have those either.”
“What the heck do we have?” Josie asked.
“We have a social-conscience ray,” Reyna said.
“What does that do?”
“It makes people think for a moment about their impact on the environment.”
“We’re all going to die and get eaten,” Bao Lei shouted. “Not necessarily in that order.”
Another blast rocked the ship.
“Captain, the aft water tank is leaking,” Topik said.
Josie stood, clenching her fist. “Fire the social conscience ray!”
The bridge fell silent for a long moment.
“Did you do it?” Josie asked.
“Yes, Captain,” Topik said.
“Somehow, I expected more fireworks,” Josie said.
“The ray hit them amidships, Captain,” Topik said. “They’ve stopped firing.”
“It’s probably a trap,” Bao Lei muttered. “They’re waiting for us to turn a new bit of the ship toward them.”
Josie stared at the Kalmari ship on the screen. It veered off to the right, and sped towards them. “What’s it doing?”
“The ship is on a direct course for the debris,” Topik said. “They’ve opened their cargo hold. Now they’re scooping the debris in.”
She watched as the Kalmari zipped around the display, grabbing the debris from the Greenstar.