“You can’t.”
“I will.”
“You can’t!” Didn’t he get it? He couldn’t replace it. He couldn’t fix this.
“Never mind. You’ll be okay.”
I’ll never be okay. What they took, what they stole from me, it’s damage. Damage beyond repair.
TIAD
Scar_tissu: My gf dumped me 2day. Someone. Pleeez. Tell me how 2 deal. I Iv her so much. I want 2 end it. I want 2 die. Anybody out there? HELP ME.
Black_Venus: Scar_tissu, STOP. I’m here. Don’t do anything rash. Listen to me. It’ll get better. One day at a time. I can’t know how you feel, but when my gf told me she didn’t love me anymore, I thought my life was over. I walked around like a zombie for weeks. I cried so hard my eyes swelled shut. You’re not alone. We’re here for you. You’re going to make it, OK? You’re going to heal. I promise. Give it time.
Sunshine26: I’m so sorry this happened 2 U. I’m here for U 2. We all R. Tlk 2 us.
Bikrchik: scar, u don’t no me. but maybe if u talk about wt happened, u’ll feel better. wat did she say xactly?
Scar_tissu: I can’t repeat it. I don’t want 2 remember. I want 2 die.
Black_Venus: NO. You don’t. She’s not worth it. No one is worth you dying for. Do you hear me?
Bikrchik: i been where u r
Sunshine26: Me 2
Black_Venus: Scar_tissu, we know your heart is aching. The pain and longing and loneliness are unbearable. It hurts so bad.
Scar_tissu: Yeh. My stomach feels like someone stabbed me. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m bleeding 2 death.
Black_Venus: You are going to get through this. I swear. I’ll stay here all night if you need me. I can tell you’re a really sensitive person and that you loved your gf deeply. That’s what makes love so good, and so bad.
Scar_tissu: I Iv’d her with all my heart. I still do. I never Iv’d anyone like that. I wantd to be with her 4ever. I asked her to marry me.
Sunshine26: Maybe that scared her. Maybe she wasn’t ready.
Scar_tissu: She said yes. She wanted the same thing. We made plans for when we turned 18 and everythng. After grad, we were going to find an apartmnt. Then I found out she was
Bikrchik: POP GG
Scar_tissu: What’s that? I’m sorry, I hvn’t been on the board b4. What’s POP? What’s GG?
Black_Venus: Parents on Patrol. Gotta Go. You found out she was what?
Scar_tissu: Cheating
Sunshine26: Oh, Scar. Oh no. I’m so sorry.
Black_Venus: Me too. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. Your gf betrayed your trust. She isn’t worthy of your love.
Scar_tissu: But I Iv her so much.
Bikrchik: i’m bck. sorree. evil rent
Scar_tissu: I can’t liv w/o her. I want her back.
Black_Venus: No you don’t. She’ll do it to you again.
Bikrchik: do wat?
Sunshine26: Black_Venus’s right. She isn’t worth it. U can’t trust her.
Bikrchik: wat she do xactly? wat I miss?
Sunshine26: Her gf cheated on her.
Bikrchik: fk hr. i hate grls who play
Sunshine26: You have to move on, Scar.
Scar_tissu: It isn’t that easy. There aren’t any grls here where I liv. She’s the only 1.
Black_Venus: Your love is pure. But if you got her back, would you ever be able to look at her the same way? Love her as much?
Sunshine26: Good question.
Gypsygrl: Hi grlfrnds. Wat, or who, r we chattng about?
A pop-up message blinked on my screen. Mail. I had e-mail. Should I read it? It could be from Dylan. But I was in the middle of chat. What if it was Dylan? I risked it.
Scar_tissu,
Hi. It’s me, Black_Venus. The board is getting too crowded and I wanted to talk to you alone. You need some private time. Are you there? Want to IM?
Yeh, I replied. Thanx.
Wow, Black_Venus wanted to talk to me. She was amazing. I’d been lurking on the chat board for a while, afraid to speak up. Until now I never had anything to say. So many people in pain over breakups and stuff. God, I never thought I’d be one of them. I switched to IM.
Black_Venus: What are you thinking? That’s a stupid question. You’re sad. You hurt.
Scar_tissu: Yeh. I can’t stop crying.
Black_Venus: I know. You feel lost. Scared. Everything seems hopeless.
Scar_tissu: Yeh
Black_Venus: I wish I could talk to you in person. WDUL? I’m in LA.
Should I tell her? I guess it wouldn’t hurt. She’d told me. She was a regular board member, so it must not be against the rules or anything.
Scar_tissu: Mason City
Black_Venus: Where’s that?
Scar_tissu: IA
Black_Venus: Iowa? As in corn country?
Scar_tissu: Yeh. Hicksville. Hog farms and turkey trots.
Black_Venus: *Grins* It has to be really hard to hook up with girlz in a small town. The only thing I know about IA is corn.
Scar_tissu: Right. Corn fritters, corn dogs, corn on the cob. Everyone is corn fed.
Black_Venus: LOL. I think I flew over IA once on my way to Boston.
Scar_tissu: That was me in the cornfield below screaming, “Stop! Emergency landing. Take me with U.”
Black_Venus: LMAO. I must’ve had my earbuds in. I’m glad to see you’re smiling. Feeling better?
Scar_tissu: Yeh. Thanx. It still hurts.
Black_Venus: I know. You’re going to hurt for a while. Give yourself time. Just keep telling yourself TIAD.
TIAD. What was that?
Black_Venus: Tomorrow Is Another Day.
Right. Another day without her, I thought.
Black_Venus: Can we IM later tonight too? I think you’re cool. I’d like to get to know you better.
My pulse raced. She thought I was cool. Black_Venus thought I was cool. A girl from LA? Wow.
Black_Venus: What do you listen to? What’s on your playlist?
She’d think it was stupid. I could lie. No, that was no way to start a relationship. A relationship? What was I saying? We weren’t in a relationship.
Scar_tissu: Tera Moses. Mostly. But I like all kinds of music.
Black_Venus: Tera Moses?!!! OMG. I love them. No one else I know appreciates their sound.
Yeah. No one I knew did either. Dylan couldn’t stand them. Black_Venus and I had a connection.
Black_Venus: Who else do you like?
Scar_tissu: Limping Fetus. Pink. Archimedes. EZ Girl.
Black_Venus: OMG. We’re so in sync. Do you like Melia?
Scar_tissu: Yeh. I love her! She’s awesome. Did you see her video of “Blown Away”?
Black_Venus: Sexy, huh? Plus, I know her personally. She went to my school for a year.
Scar_tissu: Melia? Wow. Is that her real name? What’s she like in person?
Black_Venus: Kind of a bitch. But… pant pant, I could get beyond her putrid personality. Her real name is Amelia Corncob. Not really. It’s Amelia Trottenturkey.
I laughed.
We IM’d more about music, movies. She was into the scene, the Hollywood scene, West Coast scene. I wasn’t sure how old she was, but older than me. We talked until Dad told me to shut it down and go to bed.
Her ID on my screen every morning was my only reason to get up. Black_Venus. I wondered what it meant. When I chose Scar_tissu, I had no idea it would predict my future. We IM’d for a week, every day. We’d chat for, like, an hour in the morning, then I’d have to tear off to school to make first period. Classes dragged. I didn’t have a cell phone and we couldn’t use the computers at school for e-mail. When the last bell rang I was out of there, racing home to hook up with Black_ Venus. She always seemed to be waiting.
Black_Venus: What’d you do today?
Scar_tissu: Slept. Zoned. What’d U do?
Black_Venus: Shopped. I’m addicted. Did you see her today?
My throat caught.
Me: No
. She’s avoiding me.
Black_Venus: Gee, I can’t imagine why. How are you doing?
Me: Better.
A little. A few pangs of loneliness and despair, but I wasn’t feeling as hopeless or… used. Bruised on the inside. How could I not have known? Dylan canceling out on me. Having other plans every Friday night. Her tone of voice, weird vibes. Her distraction while we kissed. Her lack of enthusiasm. Me, finding out from friends about her other girl in Lincoln. God, that was the worst. Then giving Dylan the ultimatum: Choose. “Choose, Dylan.”
She did. Now I was more angry at myself for being stupid.
Black_Venus: I know what you’re thinking. How could you not have known? I’ll tell you how. You were in love. It’s easy to fool people when they don’t want to see.
Or hear. I never want to hear those words again: “I don’t choose you.”
Me: Thanx. I needed 2 hear that.
It wouldn’t happen to me again. Ever. Live and learn.
Black_Venus: What’s your idea of a romantic evening? And BTW, I refuse to call you Scar_tissu. Do you have another screen name? Or a real name?
I considered telling her. We’d always been honest… .
Me: Hayley
Black_Venus: Hayley. Yeah, it fits you. Sweet name.
Me: It was my mom’s favorite name. She died when I was a baby.
Long pause.
Black_Venus: I’m sorry. So much pain in your life.
Me: Like I said, I was a baby. I never knew her.
Black_Venus: Sometimes that’s a blessing. Mothers can be… you know. So, Hayley. What do you look like? The pic you posted on the board is a fairy. Did you draw that?
Me: Yeh
I loved fairies. Ever since I was little, I’d been captivated by them. No wonder — I was one. Ha ha. I wished I could fly away or disappear in fairy dust.
How to describe myself?
Me: I’m ordinary. Brwn hair. Brwn eyes.
Black_Venus: You’re not ordinary. I bet you’re beautiful.
Dad said I was pretty, but he was biased.
Black_Venus: Post a pic of yourself on the board.
No way. That’d be the end of this relationship. Anyway, I didn’t have a picture I liked. She was gorgeous. Her photo was slick, like a professional studio shot. Black and white. Airbrushed.
Black_Venus: OK, Hayley. COS: Change of Subj. Romantic evening. I’d suddenly appear outside your door in my silver XL. The cornstalks would be waving in the wind.
Me: LOL. Really.
Black_Venus: I’m wearing a black bodysuit with a vamp cape. I bow to you, kiss your hand, and take a nibble.
Wow, she was getting into this. Like a role play. I couldn’t… . Yes, I could. Why not?
Me: Mmm. How do I taste?
Black_Venus: Salty. But you’re sea salt. Natural and pure. I may have to fill a shaker for later.
Me: Not too much later. I’m ready now.
I blushed. I couldn’t believe I typed that.
Black_Venus: I draw back the cape and whip out a box of imported French chocolates. Truffles.
Me: Ah oui. How did you know I love ze chocolat?
Black_Venus: When I think of you, when I close my eyes at night and imagine you, you’re dressed in a cornflower blue silk negligee I saw at Victoria’s Secret on Saturday. I thought, Oh yeah. Iowa. Shuck it off and get in my car.
Me: LMAO. UMMH.
Someone used that on the board once: U Make Me Hot.
Black_Venus: It’s all good. What are you wearing right now?
What was I wearing? My uniform from school. Navy skirt and white blouse. That wouldn’t play in Hollywood.
Me: Nothing
Black_Venus: *Squeals*
Me: I lied. I’m wearing a wet T-shirt. With no bra.
Black_Venus: Heavy breathing. In the car (which is a convertible, BTW), we lower the seats and spread out. Oops, did I say spread? I open a bottle of champagne and pour you a flute. (I happen to keep 2 champagne flutes in the glove box at all times.)
Me: Who doesn’t?
Black_Venus: *Grins* We eye each other through the champagne bubbles. I say, “Hayley, what should we toast to?”
Me: Love
No response. I waited.
I’d said something wrong. I’d scared her off. It was too much, too soon. Love? What was I thinking? We were just kidding around. Playing a game. Making sexual innuendos. Not serious.
Me: Or lust
I wished I could take back love. Delete, delete, delete.
Still no answer.
Me: Are you there?
Black_Venus: Let me ask you something, Hayley. Are you ready for love?
Was I?
Black_Venus: Because… to tell you the truth… I know it’s really fast but… you’re the nicest person I’ve ever met and… I feel this deep connection with you and… oh, what the hell. I could fall in love with you.
My heart leapt out of my chest. Did she mean it?
Black_Venus: You wouldn’t know what hit you.
I lay in bed, curled on my side, staring at my computer. Two weeks and two days had passed since my heart had been shattered, my world blown apart. “I don’t choose you, Hay-ley.” Dylan, how cruel. Even though the words still stung, the ache had dulled. My heart was mending. It seemed longer ago, like a horrible accident that happened in the past to another person. A car crash. The only victim is bleeding profusely and rushed to the ER for immediate medical attention. She’s put on life support. The life support brings her back from the dead, practically. Her open wounds close and heal, the scars become almost indistinguishable. Scar tissue dissolves. Thanks to Black_Venus. Thanks to new love. I never thought I’d love again. I never thought I could.
I was lying in the same position when my eyes opened the next morning. My hands were pressed together under my cheek. The computer beckoned.
I got up and logged on.
Me: Black_Venus, are U there?
Black_Venus: Yes, Hayley. I’m here. I’ll always be here.
Me: What you said. About loving me? I feel the same.
There was an interlude. The stark contrast between light and dark. Sent, received.
Black_Venus: Say it. Tell me how you feel.
Me: I’m in love with you.
Black_Venus: I mean, I need to hear you say it out loud. Can I call you?
The LDR was official. Once I heard her voice, the connection between us was physical. It wasn’t anything like the long-distance relationships I’d heard or read about. I know everybody says you can’t have a relationship with a person long-distance, but what do they know? Have they tried? You can. You can determine a lot by how a person sounds on the phone, by what she says, how she says it. Her voice, her laugh. Your voices fill each other’s heads. You can tell.
Ceylon, that was her real name. Ceylon. How cool. She had this Spice Island voice. Curry and cloves. Middle Eastern maybe, or Indian. She did look exotic in her picture.
“You’re laughing more,” Ceylon said. “You have a beautiful laugh.”
I blushed. “So do you.”
“You can tell so much by a person’s laughter. The kindness of her heart. The generosity of her soul. You are a giving, loving person, Hayley.”
I never knew how to respond to flattery. I should compliment her back. Dad tapped on my door. “Kiddo, I’m turning in.”
“Okay,” I called. “Sleep tight.”
Ceylon said, “Why don’t you come to bed — with me?”
A laugh lodged in my throat.
“I’m already in bed,” she said. “Lying here naked. Take off your clothes and lie with me.”
My breath caught. “Okay. Hang on.” I waited until I heard Dad’s door click. Stripping, I slid under the sheets. I clamped the phone to my ear. “I’m here.”
“I can feel how beautiful you are, Hayley,” Ceylon said. “Inside and out.”
“Thanks. I mean, you too.” This was happening. It was.
“Are you with me?” she sa
id.
“I am.”
We lay together, breathing, connecting. After a minute, I asked the question. “When can we meet?”
Ceylon didn’t answer.
“Did you hear me?”
“Shh.”
“When is your spring break?” I asked. “Mine’s in two weeks.”
She said, “I’d have to look.”
A tingle of excitement under my skin. What if we could really be together?
She added, “But my family always goes to Majorca that week.”
Majorca? Where was that?
“It’s off the coast of Spain.” She read my mind again.
Spain. Wow.
“Where do you go on spring break?”
I clicked my tongue. “Dubuque. It’s a lot like Spain, minus the Spaniards.”
“And the beaches, the paella, the bikini babes.” She laughed.
Bikini babes?
“Just kidding.” Ceylon laughed again. She had a heady laugh. Low and husky. “Even though you’re far away, I feel you in my heart. I sleep with you; dream with you.”
I wouldn’t mind sleeping with her — minus the sleep.
“Any possibility you can fly out here some weekend?” I asked.