He beckoned for the med-A Workers to follow him out of the ward, and obediently they fell into file.
“Told you that you could do it,” whispered Aurelia.
“Thanks to your advice,” said Marnee, smiling back at her.
As Aurelia had suspected, as soon as Marnee had a little confidence in herself, she was fine. Her year of med-A Work went without a hiccup. Aurelia found herself drawn more and more to the diagnostic side of medicine. Puzzling out answers to mysteries fascinated her. Marnee, on the other hand, was more of a humanist. Learning from her first diagnosis, she spent time with her patients, talking to them, making them comfortable. She was by far the most empathetic student among them and often solved problems faster simply because her patients told her more than what they told their med Worker in charge.
The two young girls had little time for anything but study now. The end of year five was approaching, and in order to start official year six med training, they had to pass a host of final exams. There was one test that they couldn't study for, however.
“The concept is simple,” their year five trainer had told them at the beginning of the term. “Ten percent of the injectors contain toxin. Death is immediate. You will be offered a choice of two injectors. All you need do is select one and inject yourself. Should you do this, you will be passed into year six. Should you not, you will graduate as a med-A Worker and that is the end of your training.”
“Unless we actually die,” Aurelia had muttered under her breath.
“As a med Worker you will be faced with many difficult decisions. This test is designed to see how well you cope with that responsibility. Should you be unable to decide, it is unfair to both the patients and to society as a whole to keep you here any longer. I trust you will all pass this test with flying colors.”
The night before the year five test, Aurelia sat in bed, her screen propped up beside her so she could see Marnee's sleepy face.
“All we have to do is decide,” Marnee said. “So just go in, grab the first syringe you see, jab it in, and it's over. There's no point in thinking too much about it. Contemplation will gain you nothing.”
“I know,” said Aurelia, sighing. Marnee was right. This was something completely unavoidable, and the only thing to do was to do it. Still, something didn't sit right with Aurelia. It was a problem she'd had a long time to think about. Bidding her friend good night and rolling up her screen, Aurelia lay back and stared at the ceiling of her bedroom pod.
The concept of injecting herself she could somewhat deal with. It was the idea of injecting as a whole that she objected to. Every step of her training had told her that this was right. Everything she'd ever learned, even as far back as general education had told her that injecting was the right thing to do. People were a society, dependent on each other and reliant on the job that each person performed. It was not fair for one person to take more than another. That was, after all, why they had food rationing. So the theory went how it was the right and humane thing to inject those whom could no longer contribute to the Lunar Empire. No one should be a drain on resources.
Even as a child, Aurelia had been suspicious of the decree. Now that she was about to be confronted with the reality of it, she had the same doubts that had plagued her before she chose to attend the medical institute. She sighed, half closing her eyes and wondering if she could possibly sleep, but a rustling sound outside her bedroom pod door made her open them again. “I'm awake!” she said.
The door slid open, revealing her father. “I thought you might be,” he said, gently. He slid the door closed behind him and tiptoed to sit on the edge of her bed and stroke the long black hair off her face. “You're worried about tomorrow.”
Aurelia nodded.
“You can make that decision,” said her father.
“I know.” Aurelia sighed again. “It's not the decision that worries me. It's what it leads to.”
Her father stayed quiet, listening. And after a few moments, she continued.
“I can't help but think that, well, that life has value,” she said, trying to put her thoughts into words. “I believe all of us are worthy. If we're supposed to be a society, then rather than injecting those who can't work to contribute, it should be our job to support them. I don't know. I'm talking nonsense.”
“You're not,” her father said quietly. “Not at all, and as it happens, I feel in a very similar way.”
Her father's admission gave her confidence to speak further. She rolled over to look at him directly. “Dad, I don't know if I can inject someone,” she said. “It goes against what I believe.”
“And I've always told you to cling to your beliefs,” said her father, smiling. “I know.”
“I understand there are times when injecting is the right thing to do. When there is pain and no hope of survival, but there are many, many times when I don’t believe in taking life, and I don't think I can do it.”
Her father nodded. “I understand the dilemma. And you still have a little time to think about things. You'll be injecting yourself, not someone else; however, I do have something for you to consider.”
Aurelia smiled, she couldn't help it. Her father had never been one to give her straight answers. Instead, he preferred to give her information that when considered carefully might provide her with the answers.
“What's that?”
“If you fail to inject someone who is supposed to be injected, what will happen to that person?” he asked.
She opened her mouth to respond, but he hushed her. “No, don't answer. Think about it.”
She nodded and yawned.
“Get some sleep. Good luck tomorrow. I shall see you in the evening.”
If I'm still alive, thought Aurelia sleepily. But somehow she knew she would be. She had no doubts about it.
She waited her turn until her number was called. Then she entered the office. Marnee had gone a long time before, her number one of the first called. She'd given Aurelia a smile and a wave and disappeared through the door. Like every other student, she had not come back.
The office was empty but for a table and a trainer. In silence, the trainer keyed in a code and opened a small, black box. Inside were two syringes. Aurelia looked at them, but could see no difference between the pair. She knew she had five minutes to come to her decision, but taking any longer was pointless. Reaching out, she randomly selected one, held it up to check for air bubbles, then uncapped it.
“You may want to roll up your sleeve,” said the trainer, breaking the silence.
Aurelia cursed. Of course. Quickly she pushed her uniform sleeve up, baring the inside of her elbow where all injections went. She was used to the feeling. Balancing the point of the needle against her skin, she took a breath and held it. Still she felt no fear. Her training had told her that if the toxin worked, she wouldn't even have time to realize it. Therefore, fear had no point. Finger steady, she pushed the syringe down, feeling a little pressure, then the slide of the needle as it entered her skin. The liquid in the syringe was cold in her vein, and she let out the breath she'd been holding as she pushed the plunger to its limit.
“Thank you,” said the trainer. “You can exit through the door to the right.”
That was it? Thought Aurelia. Over? She hurriedly pulled the needle from her arm, accepting a small gauze pad to place over the hole in her skin. She turned and walked through the door indicated. She'd been in the office for less than a minute, and she'd done her first injection.
Pulling her sleeve down over her arm, Aurelia walked slowly to the library. As far as she was concerned, year five started the next day, and she had work to do. She wrapped her arms around her body as she walked, shivering, and it took her several minutes to realize that she was in shock. She'd given little thought to what she'd just done, and now that it was over, the reality of it terrified her.
Marnee laughed as Aurelia slid the door open to the library. “Don't worry. We were all like that, too.” She took Aurelia's arm and
guided her to a chair. “It wears off in a few minutes.”
Aurelia realized she'd not even considered the fact that Marnee wouldn't be here, that Aurelia might never have seen Marnee again, and tears spilled. Marnee opened her arms and embraced Aurelia and yelled at another student to bring synth coffee. Once the warm cup was in her hands, Aurelia began to feel a little better, though still shaky.
“Three haven't come out from our group,” Marnee said, sitting opposite her. “I think they couldn't decide. Or, well . . . you know.”
Aurelia nodded. She knew. She drank her coffee. “We'd better get back to work.” Her tone was subdued.
Marnee looked at Aurelia strangely, then nodded.
Aurelia's father was sitting at his desk in the living pod when she arrived home. He looked up at the sound of the door. “Congratulations,” he said with a smile.
She looked at her feet, not sure whether she should be congratulated or not. She'd taken the first step towards extinguishing life. She was still considering what her father had asked her the evening before, and knew she wasn't ready to discuss it again yet.
“You don't seem surprised to see me,” she said.
He shrugged. “I know you. You handle responsibility well. The decision was an easy one for you.”
Her mother came in from the kitchen pod in time to hear Aurelia's next sentence. “But I could have chosen a syringe with the toxin,” she pointed out.
Aurelia's mother eyed her father, frowning. “You didn't tell her?” she said.
He shook his head. “No, that would have betrayed the test. It is a valuable milestone, whether or not I agree with injecting as a whole.”
“Tell me what?” Aurelia asked, confused.
Her father looked guilty and shifted in his desk chair.
“None of the syringes contain toxin,” he said.
“None?” she asked, her voice disbelieving.
“None,” he confirmed. “It's simply a test.”
A long, long time in the future, Aurelia would wonder why she'd never thought to ask her father why or how he knew this. Eventually, she would get an answer to these questions, but for now she was angry. Annoyed at not being told, furious at being put through the test, incensed at what she was going to have to do in the future. Just plain mad.
“You should have told me,” she spat. “I trusted you.”
Her father looked on helplessly as she slammed the living pod door.
“Leave her,” she heard her mother say, just before she also slammed her bedroom portal.
With so many cadets graduating at the same time from many different fields, City 01 had something of a festival air about it. Eschewing the crowded public transport pods, Aurelia and her parents walked the few blocks to the medical institute. They passed Block 3 on their way, and Aurelia kept her eyes firmly focused on the pavement beneath her feet. Marnee had lived there.
It was natural that this be a time for reminiscing. She was about to leave training behind. The only problem was that all her memories contained Marnee, and it was still so painful to think of her. Three weeks ago she had sat beside Aurelia, brushed her pale blonde hair, laughed at their shared memories. When they had reminisced as long as they could, she'd held Marnee's hand and promised to celebrate on graduation day. That she wouldn't let the sadness mar her achievements. Yet it did, and she was helpless to control it.
“You'll get first in the cohort,” Marnee had said.
“I . . .”
Aurelia had bitten off what she was going to say. She was so used to the friendly competition between them, in the habit of sharing the top spot with Marnee who had grown into a brilliant Med Trainee as her confidence blossomed that it was natural for her to remind her friend how she, too, could get first in the cohort. But of course she wouldn't. Not now.
The large medical institute loomed in front of them, a flood of red and black med uniforms streaming into the tall front doors. Aurelia squeezed her mother's hand, feeling a deep ache in her heart.
The time was growing near. Every year seven student had to inject. Of course, each had to wait until a suitable patient had been found. Aurelia knew the patients suitable for injection would be sick with little or no chance of survival. These were considered the best candidates for the trainees first injections, since the psychological stress of injecting someone likely to die anyway was less. But that didn't ease her worries. She spent more and more time thinking about what her father had asked her: “If you fail to inject someone that is supposed to be injected, what will happen to that person?”
She was still uneasy about taking life. But the more she thought, the more she thought she could understand what he was getting at.
“They will die anyway,” she said to him, coming to his desk one evening.
“Ah,” he said, putting down his screen. “You've had time to consider, then?”
She nodded and perched herself on the edge of his desk.
“If I refuse to inject a patient, someone else will do it anyway. I'll then become a Failure and will not have had any other effect on the outcome of the situation, making it illogical to refuse to inject someone.”
“Very good,” said her father. He appreciated logic. “Take it further.”
“I'm not sure yet,” she admitted. “But I think you're telling me that if I disagree with the system, it's better to fight from inside than from outside. Maybe if and when I'm qualified, I will be in a better position to change the system.”
“Possibly,” said her father. “Though you might also not be.”
Aurelia nodded. “But by becoming a med Worker, I can save lives, as well as take them. I can also include the possibility of trying to change the system, whereas if I refuse to perform injections now, I can save nobody, because I will become a Failure.”
Her father's blue eyes clouded, but he nodded his agreement. “Sometimes, Aur, there's no right answer. You must learn this. As hard as it can be, there are times when the only thing you can do is to mitigate the negative, rather than removing it altogether. Life simply isn't black and white.” He smiled at her. “It would be boring if it were. There are millions of shades of gray in between, and it's up to you to navigate them as best as you can.”
It was a comfort to her. She remained worried, but intellectually understood what she was being told. The situation was made slightly better when Marnee's distinctive tone sounded from Aurelia's screen.
“I did it,” she said, the moment that Aurelia clicked the com icon. “The call came this afternoon when I got home, and I had to go straight back to the hospital. I did it. I injected.”
Though Marnee was Aurelia's best friend, she hadn't shared all her thoughts on injecting. To think as she did was tantamount to treason, and she knew Marnee had not been brought up in the same way as Aurelia. Marnee's fears had been those shared by most trainees: when the time came, they wouldn't be able to do the job. As it turned out, though, the patient chosen for Marnee had been desperately ill, and injecting had been a mercy.
“Things were so still, so quiet after,” Marnee said. “Like something had left the room. It was weird.”
Aurelia smiled, doing her best to be happy for her friend. Inside, she still had waves of nausea at the thought of taking a life, and she knew that her time was coming.
The call came late at night, barely two days after Marnee's successful first injection. Aurelia was already undressed and in bed, but when she saw the alert on her screen she threw back the covers and rapidly pulled her uniform back on. She acted quickly because she was trained to respond instantly, it was second nature to her, but also so she didn't have time to think about what was to happen next. Quietly, she left her bedroom pod, but her father was still at his desk.
“It's time,” she said.
He stood, and came to her. Briefly he held her, then let go.
“Be strong,” he said. “And no matter what, I love you.”
She swallowed and nodded, but before she could respond, the chime sounded to
tell her the transport pod was at the door.
The flight to the hospital was a short one, the small transport pod hovering over the grid-like streets of the city, mostly empty of traffic at this time of night. Within five minutes, the pod was humming and descending, engine idling as it sank to the ground. Aurelia got out, slammed the door, and the pod took off again, fading quickly into the night. Looking up, she saw lit windows, small squares of light, each one a patient or two or five. Which, she wondered, was the room she was going to?
She stopped at the reception desk and gave her personal ID number, and a young woman directed her to the room where her trainer was waiting. Still not thinking, keeping her mind on what she was currently doing rather than what she would do, Aurelia got into the elevator and pressed the appropriate button.
It wasn't until she was standing outside the door that she had a flash of real thought. I don't want to do this. I can't take the life that's behind this door. But she had little choice. She kept her father's words in her head as she reached for the handle and slid the door open.
“Ms. Cole,” said the trainer standing quietly beside the single bed in the room. “Take your time.”
The trainer was one she would come to know well, though right now she had known him only for the two weeks she'd been a year seven student. But she knew the drill, realized what was expected of her. Cautiously, she approached the bed.
The patient's face was yellowed, but her skin unlined. Dark, wavy hair spread out on the pillow. She was young, more of a youth than Aurelia had expected—maybe a year or two older than she herself was. It was clear from the waxy pallor that something was very, very wrong here, though the woman's breathing was deep, drugged, and even.
Aurelia folded back the sheet covering the patient and took a moment to examine the woman's body. She could see nothing obviously wrong. Placing her hand on the woman's chest, Aurelia felt warm, soft skin. Blinking at the vitality beneath her fingers, Aurelia carefully palpated the abdomen.