I nodded. “I just changed into you. I shaved. I’ve got the cuts to prove it.”
• • •
I’ve written to Sam to tell him about my Gift. Hope I don’t sound like I’m bragging.
1st January, 2014
I really am going to keep the diary going this year. Really. Properly. And I will be nice to Dad (who is back to drinking but not so much and is painting more).
• • •
Sam has written back to tell me he’s impressed with my Gift. We’ve been writing for months now and sharing so much. He says he’d love to see me but “as Michèle.”
10th January, 2014
Gab and I have been practicing every day. I can transform into Gab and Caitlin, but I’ve not managed to do anyone else. I can change when I want to, but I turn back to me as soon as I lose concentration, which was after just a few seconds at first but now I can hold it for several minutes. I have to be in the person’s mindset, though. It sounds weird, but if I’m being Gab and I think something like “Gosh, my brother’s handsome” then—wham!—I’m back as Michèle. But if I think “I really need another coffee” I stay as Gab.
I can do Caitlin more easily. I think it’s because she’s a girl so I feel more comfortable as her. It is very creepy being Gab—with his body!!! Even so I’ve never managed to stay as Caitlin for more than five minutes.
Gab can do anyone, even people he doesn’t know personally. Just so long as he knows who they are he can do them: Eminem, that guy out of One Direction, Gandhi (my favorite), Michelle Obama(!) . . .
15th January, 2014
I’ve stayed as Caitlin for much longer this morning. Gab had turned into Aiden and somehow that helped me get into character as Caitlin and I managed to keep myself like that for nearly half an hour. I’m mentally exhausted now, though. Gab never gets tired, never finds staying transformed a problem. I thought we were the same as we share the same Gift, but we’re not. I can still only transform into two people—I can’t even do Dad. Gab says it’s early days and that I found my Gift much sooner than he did, but I think his ability is stronger.
• • •
Saw Caitlin today. She dropped a letter off from Sam. I transformed into Caitlin for her and she was horrified. She says she can’t believe her thighs are that big (they’re tiny) and kept staring at her bum. I couldn’t keep my concentration for laughing.
17th January, 2014
I’m worried about Gab. I think something’s wrong.
18th January, 2014
I don’t know what to do. Things have gone wrong—badly wrong. I can’t understand why it’s happened to Gab because he’s so brilliant at transforming. His Gift is amazing, much stronger than mine. But he’s changed into a fain and now he can’t get back to being the real Gab.
We’ve both been transforming lots—he’s been doing it to try to help me. He turned into a fain, which he’s done many times and he’s been many different fains, but last night he transformed to be one on the inside. His appearance is just the same as always, but inside he’s different—inside he’s a fain. And now he can’t get back.
He says he’ll work it out, but I think he’s really worried. I don’t think he’s slept. He’s been like this for nearly twelve hours now. He’s never kept transformed for more than a day and he’s never been stuck before.
The really worrying thing is that he’s actually asking me how I do it, how I transform! He says that he normally does it almost without thinking but now it feels totally alien. It’s like he really has become a fain!
19th January, 2014
Gab is still stuck. He stayed inside last night, which would normally make him ill, but he didn’t have the slightest headache or nausea. He couldn’t sleep because (he admitted) he’s so worried.
I’ve told him to think of the things he, the witch Gabriel, likes or does. He’s gone through his day, washing, eating, climbing up the side of the house, and he’s now told me that it all feels the same only slightly less good, slightly flat. That could be because he’s a fain or because he’s feeling so tired and worried.
Caitlin came round and I told her about Gab. She didn’t see him because he hid in his bedroom and I didn’t want to show him to her as if he was some freak show, not that she would have noticed anything different anyway, as he looks exactly the same as the Black Witch Gabriel.
After that I went to town and phoned Sam. I didn’t mean to tell him about Gab, but I was so upset that it all came out.
20th January, 2014
Gab’s asleep beside me now.
Last night I slept up on the roof and Gab was in his bedroom. Then this morning he came up to join me. He said that everything he’s tried seems to make the problem worse, seems to strengthen his fain-ness. “Instead of helping me get out of it, I’m getting more and more fain-like. It’s as if I’m in quicksand: the more I fight, the further I sink; the more I try to be Gabriel, the more the fain part takes over.” He tried to smile at me, but he looked sick.
He sat with his back to me, just looking out over the gardens and the road, then he lay down and I think he was crying before he fell asleep.
I went to town and phoned Sam, but that went wrong because he said he wanted to come to see me since I sounded so depressed, and I told him that him getting caught on Black Witch territory really wouldn’t cheer me up. And although of course I want to see him I know it would be stupid. I told him not to come, but I’m not sure he got the message. He said, “I won’t take any stupid risks.”
21st January, 2014
I told Dad about Gab this morning. He said, “He’s got a strong Gift. He’ll find the solution.”
So Dad was about as much use as ever . . .
I’m going to tell Skylar to see if she can help.
22nd January, 2014
I don’t know what’s happened to Sam.
Yesterday Sam and his friend Ethan (another White Witch) came onto Black Witch territory, to see me. Aiden and his Half Bloods caught Ethan. I don’t know what they’ve done to him, but I know it’s bad. I don’t know if Sam got away.
It started after I went to see Skylar to tell her about Gab. I hoped she’d know something—her Gift is potions so maybe she’d have something to help him. I’d waited for Gab to wake up as I wanted him to come with me, but he didn’t stir till the middle of the afternoon—he really was exhausted—and then he wouldn’t come with me. He said he was trying to work things out himself.
So I went to Skylar’s house on my own. Thankfully she was in, though she wasn’t really much help. She said she couldn’t do anything herself and she’d never heard of it happening before, but she’d ask some of the other witches. There’s one woman whom Skylar can ask, who has a similar Gift (more like mine—she can transform into one other person), and a few old-timers who might know something.
After seeing Skylar I wanted to be alone somewhere quiet so instead of going straight home I went to the beach.
I sat there and sat there and sat there staring out to sea and next thing I knew it was dark and I felt so tired and miserable. I had such a bad feeling about Gab. I thought I’d sleep on the beach, but it started to rain a little and I was cold so I started to walk home. It must have been past midnight and the roads were deserted, but on the way through town I saw two of Aiden’s Half Bloods running along the street, checking between parked cars and in doorways. Aiden was behind them. He saw me and came over. He said that he’d heard about Gab. Then he said, “There are a couple of Whites around here somewhere. They came over for a dare. You oughta get home.”
And of course I had a bad feeling that Sam might be one of the Whites. The two Half Bloods were calling for Aiden and he ran off with them, shouting at me to “get home.”
I had gone a few blocks when someone appeared on the other side of the street, walking in the same direction as me. I glanced across. It was a boy. I couldn’t see his face:
he had a cap on under his hoody, low over his eyes, but I knew it was Sam. I slowed (I had been walking really fast) and Sam ran over to me. Next thing I knew we were in a side street standing very, very close to each other. I told him he was taking a stupid risk and he said, “It’s worth it. I’ve been desperate to see you. I drove over with Ethan and went to your house. And as you’ve told me everything about your house I knew you’d be in your bedroom or on the roof. But you weren’t—”
“You went to my bedroom?”
“Don’t be mad, but I peered in the window. You weren’t there so we came into town.”
“I was at the beach.”
“Ethan wanted to come over for a dare as much as to help me. He wanted to get a souvenir, a road sign! But we were spotted by some Black dude, I mean a Black Witch—”
“Aiden.”
“You know him?”
I nod. “You don’t want him to find you. He’s bad enough on his own, but he has two Half Bloods with him.”
“I know. They chased us, but we hid and I saw you talking to them, so I followed you and, well, here we are.”
“Where’s Ethan?”
“He’s keeping a lookout behind.”
“I wanted to see you but not like this. It’s impossible, isn’t it?”
He didn’t reply but leaned over to me, really close, our lips almost touching, and he said, “We’re doing it. So maybe it’s not impossible.” And ever so slowly he moved to kiss me. Gently, on the lips, barely touching. Perfect!
We did it again, and again, each one perfect.
And then we were really kissing and while he was doing that I was also somehow saying, “You should go. If they find you . . .” And I was pulling him to me.
Then someone was standing near us, clearing his throat. And we both looked over.
“I can’t believe you, Sam. I only left you for a minute.” It was Ethan.
Sam smiled at me and then at Ethan. And it all felt normal, like normal people and normal friends and how life should be—for about three seconds, because then there was a shout: “One of them’s here.”
Ethan was in view from the street. He swore and ran off while Sam and I hid in a doorway, not daring to look.
It all went quiet. We just had to hope Ethan had got away. Sam kissed me and asked if I was OK to get home alone. He said he’d have to go to his car, where Ethan would return to. He kissed me again and ran off.
I hurried home but had only gone another two blocks and round the corner when I saw Aiden up ahead. Ethan was on the ground, trying to crawl, and as I got nearer I saw that there was a knife sticking out of his leg.
Aiden heard me running up and he grabbed me. I struggled against him, but all the time I was staring at Ethan lying on the ground, lying in a pool of his own blood. Aiden pulled me farther away and kept hold of me until one of the Half Bloods fetched his car and drove me home. I wanted to help Ethan, but there was nothing I could do. They’ll have cut Ethan’s face and if they caught Sam they’ll have done the same to him. And I know if they find out about Sam and me they’ll do even worse.
• • •
I told Gab about Sam coming to see me, and about our letters. He didn’t say much. He was angry but also worried for me. I felt awful as he’s got enough worries about being a fain.
23rd January, 2014
I think Sam’s safe.
Gab’s found out from Aiden what happened to Ethan. They cut his face. Aiden said that the other one got away. I’m so relieved for Sam, but I keep thinking of Ethan. And I keep wondering who did it—Aiden? I just can’t get my head round why anyone would do that.
26th January, 2014
Caitlin came by. She’d heard about Sam and Ethan and went to the Bean Counter to talk to Sam. She brought a letter from him. It’s short. He just says that he waited at the car for an hour then drove around looking for Ethan but never found him and eventually, well after dawn, he went back to Tampa. Ethan’s injuries were much worse than we’d been led to believe. He was badly beaten up: broken ribs, broken fingers, broken jaw, and he lost two teeth. That’s all horrible, but his face is the worst and he’ll be scarred for life—a thick, deep cut runs diagonally from his forehead across his nose and down his cheek.
Why is the world not better than this?
31st January, 2014
Skylar and Aiden came to see Gab about being stuck as a fain. Skylar said that she’s spoken to everyone who might be able to help, but no one here knows enough about transformations. She wants Gab to go to see someone called Raul who lives outside Miami. She’s spoken to him and he’s said he’ll take a look at Gab. He needs to see him to work out if and how he can help. Gab looked a little more cheerful. He’s going to go.
I could hardly bear to be in the same room as Aiden. I asked about the White Witch they caught and what he did to him. Aiden just said, “He’s a White. He got what he deserved.”
2nd February, 2014
Gab left for Miami this morning. No idea how long he’ll be away. Raul doesn’t have a phone, so we’ll be in touch only by letter. I just have to hope Gab will be back soon. As Gab.
4th February, 2014
I sent a letter to Sam last week and Caitlin has just brought his reply—another short one but worrying.
Sam says that Ethan knows I’m a Black Witch. Sam told him he must be mistaken and that I was a fain, but Ethan said he saw me with Aiden and “knew.” Sam had to pretend he was shocked and surprised. But if Ethan tells anyone about Sam and me, and if it gets out that Sam knew I was a Black Witch, I’m not sure what will happen to him. It’s just all so wrong. Why shouldn’t we be together? We’re the sane ones. We’re not trying to beat each other up, cut off fingers, or scar faces!
5th February, 2014
I’ve been to see Sam!
I disguised myself as Caitlin and went to the Bean Counter. It was really hard. I transformed as soon as I got out of the car in Tampa. I managed to stay like that until I saw Sam, when I became me again. (No one else was around—thank goodness it’s a quiet coffee shop.) We sat in the darkest corner and talked. It’s so nuts. I’ve been there before without a care in the world and this time I jumped every time the door opened.
• • •
I need to master my transformation better.
• • •
Sometimes I wish I could change into a White Witch and get stuck as that.
• • •
Mostly I wish everyone would just get on.
7th February, 2014
Missing Gab so much.
9th February, 2014
Got a letter from Gab. Raul is trying to cure him with potions first and said that if they don’t work he has “a few other tricks up his sleeve.” Gab said that one potion looked like green snot, and tasted like it too, and another was like a watery curry that made Gab faint (after he’d spewed up on the kitchen floor). Neither of them worked.
10th February, 2014
I’m practicing my transformations. I keep wondering what would happen if I got stuck as Caitlin. Would that be such a bad thing?
13th February, 2014
Another letter from Gab arrived today. He’s been fasting and in a sweat tent (in Raul’s vast garden) and has been smoking some strange leaves but he is still a fain.
I miss him.
14th February, 2014
I’m not thinking about the anniversary of Mum’s death—we need to be positive and focus on life!
I’m still practicing my transformations and I’m much better. I can only do Caitlin and Gab, but I’ve stayed as Caitlin for over two hours now—cooked dinner as her, tidied my bedroom as her, and she’s really good at cleaning the bathroom!
I had this idea of meeting Sam at a park in Tampa (disguised as Caitlin obviously). I asked Caitlin where would be the best place and she wouldn’t help at first, but then I told her I was going a
nyway so she relented and said I should meet him at Woodlawn Cemetery: no one will see us there.
So Caitlin told Sam to meet me there at 6 p.m. today. Happy Valentine’s . . .
15th February, 2014
We had the most fantastic time last night—it’s not such a creepy cemetery. We stayed there all night as we decided it was safer than me coming home. Sam brought rugs and food and a torch and sensible things like that—I hadn’t thought to take anything. We talked and as it got darker and cooler he put his arm round me and it was so warm being close to him and he kissed me, gently at first and then less gently but so nice.
I love his kisses.
We talked and kissed for hours. It was perfect to be with him. He is perfect—kind and gentle and so sweet. But it was sad too because he’s so worried. He’s nothing like I thought a White Witch would be. We’re always told they’re like fains, only interested in money, and they’ve lost their true witch nature. But Sam isn’t interested in money: he likes music and is working on improving his Gift and is just really chill.
He was holding me and he’d gone really quiet, not saying anything, and I asked, “What are you thinking?”
Eventually he said, “You’re totally different to what they say Black Witches are like.”
And I laughed because that was what I’d been thinking. And I really think the whole Black/White thing is stupid—we’re just witches. I told him that and he said, “But they’re not interested in that. They don’t care what you’re like—all they see is a Black Witch. And if they catch you they’ll hurt you.”
“We’re being careful.”
“It’s too dangerous, Michèle. I don’t want you to be hurt.”
“It hurts not to see you.”