“My life is pretty complicated,” I began tentatively.
“Why don’t you try explaining it? I might surprise you.”
“This situation,” I said, “you and I spending time together, it’s turning out to be harder than I thought. . . .” I paused. “It’s better than I ever imagined, but I have other responsibilities, other duties that I can’t ignore.”
My voice rose in volume and pitch as I felt a wave of emotion explode in my chest. I stopped and took a deep breath.
“It’s okay, Beth,” Xavier said. “I know you have a secret.”
I felt a sudden icy fear take hold of me, but at the same time a flooding relief. If Xavier already knew I was a fraud and a liar, it meant I’d failed completely in all aspects of our mission. Rule number one for all Agents of Light was to keep our identity a secret as we worked to piece the world back together—exposure could result in all kinds of chaos. But then again, it could also mean that Xavier had chosen to accept me anyway and the truth might not drive him away.
“You do?” I whispered.
He shrugged. “It’s obvious you’re hiding something. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s upsetting you.”
I didn’t answer immediately. More than anything I wanted to tell him everything, to let all my secrets and fears pour out like wine from a spilled bottle, staining everything in their path.
“I understand that for one reason or another you can’t or won’t talk about it,” Xavier said. “But you don’t have to. I can respect your privacy.”
“That’s not fair to you,” I said, feeling more torn than ever. The idea of walking away from him left a physical pain in my chest, like my heart was slowly breaking in two.
“Isn’t that for me to decide?”
“Don’t make this harder. I’m trying to protect you!”
“Protect me?” Xavier laughed. “From what?”
“From me,” I said quietly, realizing how ridiculous that must sound.
“You don’t look very dangerous to me. Unless you turn into a werewolf at night. . . .”
“I’m just not what I seem.” I shrank away from him, as if trying to hide myself from the truth. My whole body felt weak and drained of energy. I sagged against a wall, unable to meet his gaze.
“No one is. Look, you think I haven’t figured out there’s something different about you? All I have to do is look at you.”
“What is it?” I asked curiously.
“I’m not sure,” he said. “But I know it’s what I like about you.”
“What I’m trying to tell you is that just because you like me doesn’t make me what you want or need.”
“What do you think I need?”
“Someone you can have an honest relationship with. What’s the point otherwise?”
“Are you trying to tell me that person can’t be you?” Xavier’s expression was unreadable. His face appeared completely impassive—wiped of all emotion. I supposed that after everything he’d been through, he wasn’t the type to wear his heart on his sleeve.
I knew he was trying to make it easier for me, but the bluntness of his question had the opposite effect. Now that the idea was out in the open, it sounded far too final. I was still struggling to find the right words, and I worried that my silence might come across as indifference.
“It’s okay,” Xavier continued. “I know it can’t be easy for you, and I don’t want to make things harder. Would it be helpful if I kept my distance for a while?”
How fickle and contradictory were human emotions! I’d spent the last few minutes trying to suggest this very idea but now found myself devastated by his readiness to walk away, even if his motivation was my well-being. I wasn’t sure what reaction I’d expected, but this wasn’t it. Did I want to see him drop to his knees and declare his undying love? Of course he wasn’t going to do that, but I couldn’t let him walk away. I didn’t think I’d be able to stand it.
“So that’s it then?” I choked out. “I won’t see you anymore?”
Xavier looked confused. “Hang on—isn’t that what you want?”
“Is that all you’re going to say?” I demanded. “You’re not even going to try and change my mind?”
“Do you want me to try and change your mind?” His quizzical, affectionate smile was back.
I paused to think. I knew what I should say. A simple no would end it all and return things to how they’d been before the moment we met in the corridor outside the chemistry lab, when I’d been trying to avoid glowing in the dark. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It would be a lie.
“Maybe that’s exactly what I want you to do,” I said slowly.
“Beth, it sounds to me like you don’t know what you want,” Xavier said softly. He reached up and used his thumb to wipe away a tear that was snaking its way down my cheek.
“I don’t want to complicate your life,” I sniffed, realizing how irrational I must be sounding. “You’re the one who said you preferred things to be clear-cut.”
“I was talking about subjects, not people. Maybe I wouldn’t mind a bit of complication,” he said. “Straightforward relationships are overrated.”
I groaned in frustration. “You really do have an answer for everything.”
“What can I say? It’s a gift.” He took my hand between both of his. “I have an idea. How about I give you something to help make the decision easier?”
“Okay,” I agreed. “If you think it’ll help.”
Before I knew what was happening, Xavier had brought his hands up to my face and was tilting my chin toward him. His lips brushed over mine with a feather touch, but it was enough to make me shiver. I liked the way he held me; as if I were fragile and likely to break if he held too tight. He rested his forehead against mine as though we had all the time in the world. A delicious heat started to spread through my body, and I strained toward him, reaching for his lips again. I returned his kiss with passionate urgency and clung to him. I allowed myself to melt into his embrace and pressed our bodies together. His warmth was seeping through my flimsy shirt, and I could feel his heart beating fast.
“Easy, now,” he murmured into my ear, but he didn’t break away. We stood locked in our embrace until Xavier gently but firmly detached himself. He tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear and gave his dreamy half-smile. “Well?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest. My mind was a blur.
“Well what?”
“Did that help you make up your mind?”
By way of an answer, I twisted my fingers into his soft nut-brown hair and pulled him toward me.
“I guess it did,” he said with undisguised pleasure.
That day taught me that I wanted more than his company; I craved his touch. There wasn’t a doubt left in my mind. I could feel my face burning where he had touched me, and all I wanted was for him to do it again. Just hours earlier I had truly believed there was no option but to cut myself off from him because I could see no way to make him understand who I really was. Now I saw that there was another way. It would be seen as a serious transgression and punishable by who knew what, but it felt less frightening than parting from him. If it meant sparing us the pain of separation, I would face the consequences.
All that was required of me was to let down my guard and let Xavier in.
“I want us to be together,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more.”
Xavier stroked my palm and entwined our fingers. His face was so close the tips of our noses were touching. He leaned in to whisper in my ear. “If you want me . . . you’ve got me.”
I couldn’t stop myself from sighing aloud as he kissed a path from my ear down to my neck. The physical surroundings of the classroom melted like snow in the sun.
“There’s just one thing,” I said, pushing him away with some difficulty. He was watching me with those piercing blue eyes, and I almost lost my train of thought. “This isn’t going to work unless you know the truth.” If I cared about Xavier as
much as my beating heart told me I did then he deserved the truth. If it turned out that the truth was too much for him to deal with, then maybe it meant my feelings weren’t returned and I would have to accept that. Either way it was time for the charade to end. Xavier had to see the uncensored version of me; not the idealized version in his head. In other words, he had to know me, warts and all.
“I’m all ears,” he said looking at me expectantly.
“Not now. This isn’t going to be easy, and I need more space than we’ve got here.”
“Then where?” he asked, mystified.
“Are you going to the beach bonfire this weekend?” I asked quickly as students began to drift in for the next class.
“I was going to ask if you wanted to go together.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll tell you everything then.”
Xavier kissed me swiftly and left the classroom. I gripped the edge of the nearest desk feeling short of breath, as though I’d just run a marathon.
Defying Gravity
All week long the beach bonfire loomed in my mind. What I planned to do terrified me, but I was also strangely excited. Once the decision was made, it felt as though a great weight had lifted from my mind. After all the time I’d spent in internal debate, I now felt surprisingly sure of myself. In my head I rehearsed over and over the words I would use to tell Xavier the truth, making subtle adjustments each time.
Xavier was now behaving as though we were a couple, which I loved. It put us in our own exclusive world that no one else had access to. It meant that we took our relationship seriously and believed it had a future. It wasn’t some infatuation we were likely to outgrow. We were making a commitment to each other. Every time I thought about this, I couldn’t keep my face from cracking into a broad smile. Of course I remembered Ivy and Gabriel’s warning and their belief that there was no chance of a future for us, but somehow that didn’t matter anymore. I felt like the skies could open and rain fire and brimstone, but nothing could wipe the smile from my face. That was the effect he had on me—an explosion of happiness in my chest, scattering like little beads and making my whole body shiver and tingle.
A life with Xavier was full of promise. But would he still want that when I revealed my identity to him?
I tried to conceal my elation from Ivy and Gabriel. It had taken them long enough to recover from my last escapade with Xavier, and I didn’t think they could handle another one. Whenever I sat down with them I felt like a double agent and kept wondering whether my face might betray me. But just because my siblings could read human minds, didn’t mean they could read mine, and my acting skills must have improved because my new enthusiasm passed without comment. It struck me that I finally had an understanding of the expression “the calm before the storm.” Everything seemed to be going smoothly, but I knew that appearances could be deceptive. There was an explosion waiting to happen. Tension, anger, and guilt were bubbling below the surface of our happy-family act, ready to erupt the moment Ivy and Gabriel discovered my betrayal.
“One of my juniors asked me today if there’s such a thing as Limbo,” Gabriel said over dinner one night. I found it ironic that the conversation had turned to punishment for sins.
Ivy put down her fork. “What did you say?”
“I said nobody knows.”
“Why didn’t you say yes?” I asked.
“Because good deeds have to be voluntary,” my brother explained. “If a person knows for sure they’ll be judged, then they’ll act accordingly.”
I couldn’t argue with that. “What’s Limbo like anyway?” I knew enough about Heaven and Hell, but no one had ever told me about the eternal midpoint.
“It comes in several different forms,” said Ivy. “It can be a waiting room, a train station.”
“Some souls say it’s worse than Hell,” Gabriel added.
“That’s ridiculous,” I scoffed. “What could be worse?”
“Eternal nothingness,” said Ivy. “Year upon year of waiting for a train that’s never coming, waiting for someone to call your name. People start to lose all sense of time, it blurs into one never-ending stretch. They beg to go to Heaven, try to throw themselves into Hell, but there is no way out. The souls wander aimlessly. And it never ends, Bethany. Centuries can go by on earth and they will still be there.”
“Sounds like crap,” was all I could think to say. Gabriel and Ivy looked surprised for a moment before bursting into laughter.
I wondered if an angel could be exiled to Limbo.
At Tuesday lunchtime I sat with Molly and the girls on the lawn in the afternoon sunshine. Around us green buds tipped the branches of the trees, bringing everything back to life. The imposing main building of Bryce Hamilton loomed behind us, casting a shadow over the benches arranged in a circle around the broad trunk of an ancient oak with ivy twining around its trunk in an amorous embrace. If we looked west, we had a view of the ocean in the distance stretching to the horizon, clouds drifting lazily overhead. The girls lounged on the lush grass, letting the sun warm their faces. I was feeling bold and ventured to tug my skirt up above my knees.
“Way to go, babe!” The girls applauded my progress, commenting that I was becoming “one of them” before falling into their usual routine of gossiping about teachers and absent friends.
“Miss Lucas is such a cow,” Megan complained. “She’s making me redo my Russian Revolution assignment because it was too ‘sloppy.’ What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I think it means you did it in the half hour before it was due,” Hayley said. “What did you expect—an A plus?”
Megan shrugged. “I reckon she’s just jealous because she’s hairy as a yeti.”
“You should write a letter of complaint,” a girl named Tara said with a serious expression. “She’s totally discriminating against you.”
“I agree she’s defs picking on you,” Molly began, and then fell suddenly silent, her gaze locked on a figure striding across the lawn.
I turned to identify the source of her fixation and saw Gabriel making his way toward the music center, some distance from where we sat. He cut a solitary figure with his faraway look and a guitar case slung over one shoulder. He had abandoned school protocol regarding dress sense some time ago, and today he was wearing his torn jeans with a white T-shirt under a pin-striped vest. No one had dared to query it. And why would they? Gabriel was so popular there would have been uproar among the students if he resigned. I noticed that Gabe looked so at ease with his surroundings. He had an easy gait and his movements were fluid. He seemed to be coming in our direction, which made Molly sit bolt upright and frantically smooth down her wild curls. Gabriel, however, suddenly cut across in a different direction. Lost in his own thoughts, he hadn’t as much as glanced in our direction. Molly looked crestfallen.
“What can we say about Mr. Church?” Taylah speculated when she spotted him, eager to resume their usual sport. I had been quiet for so long, absorbed in my fantasy of being stranded on a secluded island somewhere in the Caribbean or held captive on a pirate ship, waiting for Xavier to come and rescue me, that it seemed they had temporarily forgotten I was there. Otherwise they might have reconsidered discussing Gabriel in my presence.
“Nothing,” said Molly defensively. “He’s a legend.”
I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. I knew her fascination with Gabriel had grown in recent times, fueled by his remoteness. I didn’t want Molly to suffer the rebuff that would inevitably follow from this infatuation. Gabriel was made of stone, metaphorically speaking, and was incapable of reciprocating her feelings. He was as detached from human life as the sky is from the earth. When he looked at humankind, he saw only souls in peril, barely even distinguishing men from women. I could see that Molly was under the delusion that Gabriel operated like the other young men she knew; full of hormones and unable to resist feminine allure if the girl in question played her cards right. But Molly had no idea what Gabriel was. He might have taken hum
an form, but unlike me, he was far removed from anything human. In Heaven he was known as the Angel of Justice.
“He’s a little uptight,” Tara said.
“He is not!” Molly snapped. “You don’t even know him.”
“And you do?”
“I wish I did.”
“Well, keep wishing.”
“He’s a teacher,” Megan interrupted, “and in his twenties.”
“Music teachers are kind of on the fringe,” said Molly optimistically.
“Yeah, on the fringe of the staff,” said Taylah. “Get over it, Molls, he’s out of our league.”
Molly narrowed her eyes as if she’d been issued a challenge. “I don’t know about that,” she said. “I like to think he’s in a league of his own.”
There was a sudden awkward silence as they remembered my presence. The subject was quickly dropped.
“So,” said Megan a little too brightly. “About the prom . . .”
When Xavier dropped me off at home that afternoon, I found Ivy icing cupcakes. There was a smudge of flour across the bridge of her nose, and her eyes sparkled as though she was captivated by the whole process. She had lined up all her ingredients neatly in assorted measuring cups, and now she was arranging her sprinkles so they formed perfectly symmetrical designs. It was something that no human hand could have managed. They looked like miniature artworks rather than something designed to be eaten. She presented me with one as soon as I came in.
“They look great,” I said. “Can I talk to you about something?”
“Of course.”
“Do you think there’s any chance Gabriel will let me go to the school dance?”
Ivy stopped what she was doing and looked up.
“Xavier asked you, didn’t he?”
“What if he did?” I was suddenly defensive.
“Calm down, Bethany,” my sister said. “He’d look very handsome in a tuxedo.”
“You mean you don’t see a problem with it?”
“No, I think you’d make a lovely couple.”
“Maybe, if I make it there at all.”