Read Ham Taylor: Lost In Time! Page 3


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  Taylor ran a hand through his curly auburn hair and shared jokes with the jocks at the back of the bus. The vehicle was old and the atmosphere was dusty, sun blazed through the windows and those passengers not drinking peered at pamphlets and maps spread over their legs. Taylor was dressed in long shorts and a Foo Fighters T-shirt, beer in one hand and an MP3 player in the other. He high fived and fist bumped the guys at the back, chugged his beer then moved to the front of the bus, giggling as he stumbled down the aisle.

  "Get off!" yelled one girl, as Taylor spilled into the empty seat next to her. The blonde and chunky girl pushed at him but Taylor lay over her lap, shades drooping off his face and beer spilling over his stomach. "You're drunk! Get off!"

  "I aint drunk," he said, sitting up. "I'm on holiday."

  The bus rollicked from side to side as it traversed the rough road. Making himself comfortable, Taylor looked over the girl's items while she faced the window. She had a large expensive camera, a book on the Ark of the Covenant, and a handy bag filled with sun lotion and deodorant.

  "I've seen you around campus," Taylor said, reaching to turn the pages of her book. "You never speak to anyone. Shy, eh?"

  "I've seen you too," she said, slapping at his sticky fingers. "You speak to everyone. Loudmouth, eh?"

  Beer bubbles snorted out Taylor's nose causing the girl to snicker through her fingers. "We're not in the UK anymore," she said, in a soft Southern English accent. "Your drinking might offend the locals."

  "It was the driver who sold me the beer. Bloody pricey as well, cheap bastard."

  "Why are you here?" she asked him, parting the fringe from her eyes. "This trip doesn't seem like the sort of thing that would interest the likes of you."

  Taylor smirked, enjoying her snobbery. "And what do you think would interest the likes of me?"

  She shrugged. "Sports, girls, booze; being obnoxious."

  Taylor squirmed as the sour taste of vomit accompanied a burp. "I enjoy all those things. I also love field trips and history, I especially like the idea of changing it. Meddling with things, you know?"

  The girl rolled her eyes. "Time travel is impossible. Trust me I wrote a 245 page dissertation on that very subject."

  "Arse paper. We're travelling through time right now," he argued, "just very, very slowly. All we have to do is speed things up a bit."

  "That would mean travelling faster than light," she returned, "and nothing can according to Einstein."

  "Einstein didn't have all the facts, or my help with the complicated stuff."

  The girl arched an eyebrow. "Yes. You may be the most insufferable human being I've ever met. You also stink of..."

  "It's puke," he confirmed, rustling his shirt. "I had too much to drink last night or was it this morning?" Silence followed as Taylor circled his finger around the lid of his beer can.

  "Nah, I'm really here for me old Maw. She's not doing too well since my Dad passed away last year."

  The girl glanced at him, unsure how to take this moment of candor. "How...erm, did he die?"

  "Daft bugger reached down to tie his boots and didn't come back up again." Taylor swilled the last of his beer as the girl watched and listened. The window to her right was cracked but you couldn't see for the sun.

  "The sale of Maw's house helped pay for my schooling, and this trip. The only thing she wants in return is some good snaps and a boring presentation to her and my wee brother when I get home. Oh shit!," Taylor added, "I may have to borrow your big ass camera at some point, I left mine on the plane. You know that wee compartment by your knees? Stuffed it in there and forgot about it."

  The girl pulled her camera closer. "That's a laugh, this camera cost more than the airfare. I'll send your mum my pics, okay? Good ones."

  "Just get me posing with the sites, right? Here," he said, extending his hand. "Name's Ham. Ham Taylor."

  "I know. 'Ham the pig', according to some of the girls."

  Taylor nudged her elbow. "Pigs are very intelligent I'll have you know. You're Penelope Welsh, right?"

  "Walsh," she corrected, sitting up straight. "I'm also a Vegan."

  "Random information. Congratulations. I'm a Sagittarius. I also like cheese."

  Penelope nodded back, rustling fingers into her bag and trying not to smile.

  “There are plenty of other seats, Ham the pig. Why don't you take one of those?"

  Taylor looked into her blue eyes. "This seat has the best view."

  Penelope looked over her shoulder to the crack in the glass and when she turned back, Taylor was still looking at her, eyes locked on hers. She lowered her blushing face and reached fully into her bag. "If you're going to sit with me then here..."

  She offered Taylor a can of deodorant. He accepted it and put it to his nose.

  "You want me to smell like a lassie?"

  "I want you smell better than beer, puke and piss." Taylor laughed as Penelope concluded. "You want to sit here, you want this view, then get spraying."

  Taylor took the bottle to his pits and let his beer roll to the back of the bus.

  After the shortest hour of Taylor's life, the bus came to a stop and excited students stepped out to wonder at the monuments. Taylor followed Penelope, using her shoulder as a crutch to support him down the steps.

  "Wow!" she gasped, her eyes glowing as she stepped foot onto the sand. "Isn't it amazing? Look at that!"

  Taylor pressed on his shades and nodded as he gazed up at the Sphinx. Sand whipped around the ancient riddle as the Arabic bus driver attempt to explain its story in broken English. Penelope wrapped her hand around Taylor's elbow, opened her large book and whispered into his ear. "Some say the head was once a lion, and that the pyramid might be over four thousand years old."

  "And that aliens built it all," he uttered. "That's bollocks. Give humanity some credit. We're pretty bloody bright."

  "Here Ham," she said, focusing her lens. "One for your mother."

  Penelope aimed her camera and positioned Taylor with the Sphinx at his back.

  "Say mum!"

  Taylor smiled and repeated the word as Penelope captured the memory.