Gracie reached up and took the warm bowl from Mary, shrugging. “It was okay. Is there any bread?”
“Of course. Just head down to the end. We have two new helpers today. Say hello to Nora and Raisin.”
“It’s Ryder,” Ryder muttered under his breath.
Mary had been calling Ryder by the wrong name all day. He had been addressed as Raisin all afternoon and no matter how many times he tried to correct her, she still called him a shrivelled up grape. I could tell he was getting irritated, especially with the way his eyes shot daggers her way whenever she called him by the wrong name.
Gracie gave us a nervous smile and tried to move her way down without spilling soup all over her uniform. While she was struggling to make her way over, Mary shuffled closer.
“She’s been coming here for the past four months. Don’t think things are too well at home for her,” Mary explained, shaking her head. “Poor thing.”
Mary walked away then, to serve an elderly couple who had walked in and we were left with Gracie who had finally moved close enough. Ryder peered down at her and gave her a little half smile.
“Would you like some bread?” he asked.
“Yes, please,” she politely replied.
She attempted to balance her bowl in one hand and reach out with the other, but it just made her wobble and her dinner swirled. Ryder held out a hand to stop her.
“I’ll carry it for you. Where would you like to sit?”
Gracie cupped her soup in two hands and slowly shuffled towards an empty table. I thought Ryder was going to drop the bread off and go, but he didn’t. Instead, he sat down across from her, placed the bread on a napkin beside her bowl and made no move of getting up. So, I slid into the seat beside him.
“Do your friends hang out here too?” Ryder tried making conversation as she scooped and slurped her soup.
She shook her head and tore off a piece of bread. “No.”
“What about your family?” he asked.
Something about the way Ryder spoke to her was so… welcoming. Even though he was a complete stranger and the soup lady had introduced him as Raisin, even I felt at ease with all his questions. His tone and pace of voice was smooth and silky, a wonderful combination.
Again, Gracie shook her head. “I don’t see my mum much.”
Ryder smiled weakly. “Neither do I.”
The kid looked up with a spark of excitement in her eyes. Excitement of Ryder’s understanding.
“Sometimes she sends me cards on my birthday. If I’m lucky, she even gives me money,” Gracie continued, seeming to ease into conversation.
Ryder’s face fell for a second as he realised that he couldn’t relate to her as much as she was hoping. The pain behind his eyes swirled like a whirlpool as he watched her eat. Gracie had barely said anything more than five responses and she had already earned a soft spot in Ryder’s heart.
“I live with my sister,” she added, dipping a piece of bread into her soup.
“I’ve always wanted a sister,” Ryder answered, smiling.
The two seemed to connect after that. Ryder taught her things, fantastic things, like how to find your way home if you’re ever lost at night. He taught her to look for a certain star and her eyes lit up as he fed her the magic of his knowledge. Then he taught her absolutely ridiculous things, like what the lines on your palms meant. Most of what he said was utter nonsense but Gracie was mesmerised by his words, moved by the power of his compelling voice.
All three of us sat there for an extra hour, Ryder and Gracie bonded and occasionally I’d pipe in a comment or two. But the way they related to each other just seemed too precious for me to disturb so I sat there, watching Ryder in adoration as he made her smile more throughout the night. He was gentle, funny and friendly through his actions and words and soon enough, Gracie had fallen in love with him.
And maybe I fell for him a little harder too.
Maybe.
It was dark by the time we left the community kitchen with Gracie. She claimed to live right down the road, but Ryder insisted on walking her home to make sure she got there safely. When she paused at an apartment block, she turned and without warning, threw her arms around Ryder.
“Thank you,” she mumbled against his jeans.
Ryder held her tightly and gently squeezed. “Any time.”
Then she disappeared inside and he waited until she popped her head out from behind the curtains of a window and waved before leaving. The walk back to the car was quiet.
“You’re really great with kids,” I said, looking up at him.
Ryder got a cheesy grin on his face. “She’s a sweet kid. Just got a rough childhood, you know? I never really respected what I had until meeting her. I mean, I thought my mother was horrible, but hers isn’t even in the same town.”
“She’s got it tough,” I agreed, turning my attention to the glittering road in front of us. It had rained earlier and the way the streetlamps lit up the road made it look like an endless sea of sparkling black diamonds. “What you did for her was amazing. I mean… everything you do is… I just… It makes me…” My voice trailed off.
“It makes you what?” Ryder asked, pausing in the middle of the road to turn and look at me.
“Nothing,” I quickly muttered, feeling heat creep up my neck.
It makes me fall for you even more…
Ryder studied me in the shadows, just the faint glow of the streetlamps illuminating against our faces. I felt him gently pull me closer, his warm fingertips trailing up my spine, sending branches of warmth throughout my body. His free hand made its way to my neck and lingered there for a moment before he pressed his palm to my cheek and cupped the side of my face. His thumb gently stroked my cheek and I closed my eyes. Fingers brushed against my parted lips, ever so gently..
When I opened my eyes, he pressed his forehead to mine and I stared into those beautiful faded blue eyes. It was as if the whole world had gone blurry but he was in completely perfect focus. I could feel the exact beat of his racing heart. The warmth of his touch, tracing secrets and promises against my skin. The way his breath brushed against my lips.
We stood like that, in the middle of the road, for what seemed like minutes but it only lasted a few seconds before Ryder pulled back slightly, then pressed his lips against my forehead.
My breath caught.
It was so simple.
So gentle.
So god damned wonderful.
Ryder chuckled softly when I breathlessly exhaled. Then he laced his fingers through mine. I had no idea what this was. What we were or how he felt. I just knew that in that moment, I knew how I felt and I didn’t want to lose the moment, so I held his hand tightly and walked as slowly as possible to the car, treasuring every heartbeat.
Twenty
“Is something wrong?”
Ryder sat behind the wheel of the car, gripping it like the world was about to swallow him whole. We had been sitting in my driveway in the dark for ten minutes and he hadn’t made any move to get out. He just sat there, staring intensely at my garage door.
His eyes skittered towards my direction then looked back out the windshield. He didn’t say anything, just sat there, jaw square, eyebrows drawn together. Ryder had gone from completely comfortable to seriously disturbed. Knowing he wasn’t going to reply instantly, I sat there and twiddled my thumbs, waiting patiently for him to say something.
“I think we should talk,” he said finally.
I tensed at his words. We should talk never ended well. It usually resulted in crying, yelling and throwing things. But that was usually in the movies. And often, the couple having the conversation were together. Ryder and I weren’t together. But even though I tried to convince myself that he couldn’t possibly have anything that could hurt me, I still couldn’t untie the twist that had formed in my stomach.
“Um,” I answered, trying to keep my voice level, “what do you want to talk about?”
Ryder rubbed his thumb along
the plush leather around the steering wheel and took a deep breath, not looking at me. “There’re just some things I’d like to clarify.”
Oh crap, I thought. Crap, crap, crap.
I swallowed and tried to stop my hands from shaking. “Oh?”
It was the only word I could properly form. Even so, it was slightly breathless and shaky, but Ryder didn’t seem to notice. He was too busy death staring at my garage. It shouldn’t have bothered me: Ryder not liking me back. But it did. In fact, it sucked. I had just started to confess to myself that I did feel something for Ryder and he was going to turn me down before anything happened. He was going to tell me that all those little things didn’t mean anything to him and it would crush me.
Because they meant more than everything to me.
“Remember when we were best friends?”
His words startled me, but I nodded and waited for him to continue.
“What do you think happened to our friendship?” he asked, turning to look at me in the darkness.
I couldn’t clearly see him. There was a faint glow outside from the porch lights and it kissed one side of his face, but other than that, his features were mere shadows. The faint outline of his eyes was apparent but they didn’t hold the usual confidence and tranquillity. Instead, they showed tints of something that looked like fear.
I thought back to the day that our friendship ended. Back when we both just started high school and Ryder was getting recognised for his athletic abilities which gave him a whole lot of pride and popularity.
“Yeah,” I muttered.
“What happened?” he whispered and it went so quiet that I heard him swallow nervously.
I suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable. “You ditched me for popularity.”
“Did I?”
The way he said it wasn’t accusing. It wasn’t a confused tone either, nor was it amused. He didn’t seem doubtful either. His tone simply challenged me to think again and boy did it make me falter. I back tracked my thoughts, brought back memories of that night and suddenly, the events that had happened didn’t seem so clear anymore.
Ryder took my hesitation as an answer. “Did you ever think that it was the other way around?”
Normally, I would have laughed in his face and barked out an insult or a smart retort. I didn’t exactly agree with him, but I was interested in what he had to say. I couldn’t have possibly been the one to ditch him. What was there to ditch him for?
“That’s ridiculous.”
“If I remember correctly, you were quite occupied with things,” Ryder said slowly, choosing his words carefully. “Like Dan Fletcher.”
Dan Fletcher was my first ever high school boyfriend. It wasn’t anything serious. We were both thirteen and still giggled at the word sex so it wasn’t one of those intense relationships. If anything, we were together just for the hand holding and cute texts. We lasted a blissful four weeks until he got bored and got one of his friends to break up with me at lunch because he was way too chicken to say it to my face.
“Dan?” I repeated intelligently, not completely understanding.
“Nora, you were with him all the time,” Ryder responded.
I frowned. “Yeah, like lunch at school.”
He shook his head. “That’s how it started. Then you started meeting up before school and after. On weekends, you were always out on your bike with him or at the library studying. You had no time for me.”
“No,” I said, starting to feel a little offended now. “The only reason I hung out with him was because you were never there. You were always at practice and the only thing you’d talk about was football. Plus, it’s not like you needed me. Thirteen and you already had half the girls in our year falling all over you.”
“Nora,” Ryder said calmly. “Stop.”
“Why should I?” I snapped, irritation creeping in. “You’re blaming me for what happened. I didn’t do anything.”
“Can you please stop?” he repeated.
“Shut up. You brought this up. I can’t believe you have the nerve to blame me for our friendship ending. All I ever did was support you at every game and be there for you for all those injuries you had. I was always there for you and now you’re accusing me of ruining our friendship? You jealous asshole.”
“Nora!”
I didn’t get to squeeze in another word after that because he had crushed his lips against mine. I was glad I was already sitting down. Otherwise I would have collapsed into a mess on the floor. His free hand was placed against my neck, gently holding me in place. The warmth of his palm and the caress of his fingers sent heat flowing through me. In comparison to his tender touch, his kiss was rough and passionate. It was wild, beautiful and dangerous, but something about it made me feel so protected.
Colours danced behind my closed eyelids as I melted into his lips and enjoyed the taste of his kiss. It was sweet and fresh, like honey and spearmint. My head was spinning, heart racing and before I could process it further, he drew away from me like he had just been electrified and placed his hands back on the steering wheel, avoiding my eyes.
He sat there, breathlessly. “Sorry,” he muttered angrily, gripping the wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white.
I didn’t move. I didn’t say anything either. I was thankful for the darkness because I felt a blush creep up my neck and branch colour through my cheeks. I tried to control my breathing.
We sat in silence for a moment, before Ryder spoke.
“You were right,” he said, now breathing steadily as he looked out the windshield. “I was jealous.”
“I…” My voice trailed off.
“Just… Christ, Nora. I missed you. We were hardly hanging out anymore. With all the training I had and you always disappearing with Dan, I felt so alone. Not to mention my parents were fighting non-stop with the affair. Home wasn’t home anymore. I tried to distract myself with sport.” He let out a humourless laugh. “I remember how I used to sit on your front doorstep every afternoon after practice and wait for you to come home. Eventually, your parents noticed and they felt sorry for me and that pity, that embarrassment… I was sick of that feeling.”
I swallowed, feeling guiltier and guiltier with every single word.
“It didn’t make it any better that I had the biggest crush on you,” he continued. “That night on the beach, when Will said I was addicted… He wasn’t talking about drugs or alcohol. He was talking about you. I was addicted to you. And yeah, Dan getting all your attention, especially when I needed you most, made me feel like crap. I did some really stupid things… I confronted him before the footy game and threatened him to dump you. I didn’t think he’d do it… But the next day, when I found out he did, I freaked out. I didn’t want you to know I was the reason he did it so I ditched you too. I was angry and hurt and scared that you’d hate me, so I left before you could.”
Everything fell into place and I finally understood. Dan’s strange behaviour as the game progressed. The way he kept his attention alert and how he would freak out if I touched his arm. Then the way he avoided me the next day and couldn’t meet my eyes, even just in class. Not to mention the way he dumped me through a friend.
“I thought it was just some stupid little crush and throughout the years, I convinced myself that this was all your fault. I wouldn’t have lost you if you hadn’t been so selfish. I wouldn’t have been influenced to do half the crap I did if you had just been there for me. I hated you all this time…” he explained, then took a breath. “But there’s a thin line between love and hate… and honestly, this whole handcuff thing has driven me crazy but it’s also been the best thing I could have ever asked for. Because it made me realise that I didn’t hate you for so long… I’ve just loved you for so long.”
I stared at him with wide eyes. I wasn’t sure if the kiss had made me hallucinate or he really was saying what I was hearing. My lips parted to answer, but no words came out. Instead, they just opened and closed like a startled goldfish as I tried to f
orm a coherent response.
“When I realised Caine likes you too, I just freaked. I know we haven’t been the best with each other but we’ve been getting better and I didn’t want to lose you again…” He sneaked a glance at me, then looked back at the driveway. “Feel free to interrupt me at any time.”
But I didn’t say anything. Instead, I placed my free hand against his cheek and brought him closer to press my lips against his again. And that one little action spoke a thousand words that only Ryder and I could understand.
Twenty One
Ryder and I talked most of that night, fingers entwined, foreheads pressed together as we shared secrets and memories. Eventually, we got tired and he fell asleep on the floor. We weren’t one of those dramatically passionate films where the guy romantically falls asleep with the girl. We were two normal teenagers and even though the thought did cross my mind as we shared secrets and promises through the evening, it didn’t seem appropriate to act like some long-term couple, especially when only a few hours ago we had just shared our first kiss.
In the morning, we went by our normal routine, nothing special about it. We awkwardly went through our bathroom time together, fussed over which cereal was better and struggled to get into the car without too much butt getting in each other’s faces. There was the usual wrestle over which radio station to pick and the argument over which bands were the best as we listened to the reporters ramble over the day’s news. Everything was just about the way it had been for the past six days.
But Ryder and I shared a secret, something I could see in the twinkle of his eyes and the corner of his lips as he smiled. Something only we could translate through small actions and expressions and I liked that. I liked that we weren’t rushing it and that it wasn’t forced.
When we pulled up at the student parking lot, we noticed that the school wasn’t surrounded with its usual sea of students. Exchanging confused glances with Ryder, we searched the grounds for any sign of life. But it was silent, deserted and hostile. Not even the flags were raised to greet us.