Here's a list of things that will cost you in the long run as coping strategies. These do more harm than good in most cases and can make life more stressful.
Diversions
1. avoiding
2. Abusing drugs or alcohol
3. Wasting time on unimportant tasks
Interpersonal (With Others)
1. Blaming
2. Isolating/withdrawing
3. Mean or hostile joking
4. Gossiping
5. Criticizing others
6. Manipulating others
7. Refusing help from others
8. Lying to others
9. Sabotaging plans
10. Provoking violence from others
11. Enabling others to take advantage of you
Cognitive (of the Mind)
1. Denying any problem
2. Stubbornness/inflexibility
3. All or nothing/black or white thinking
4. Catastrophizing- thinks about how things are more terrible than they are
5. Overgeneralizing- deciding that everyone or everything is one way- LIFE IS BAD
Tension Releasers
1. Tantrums
2. Throwing things at people
3. Hitting people
4. Yelling at others
5. Destroying property
6. Speeding or driving recklessly
Physical
1. Suicide
2. Self harm
3. Developing illnesses
Intrapersonal
1. Making fun of yourself
2. Self-sabotaging behaviors
3. Blaming yourself
Indulging
1. Spending too much
2. Gambling
3. Eating too much
4. Setting dangerous fires
5. Continually crying
Here are some ideas that the students came up with:
Chapter 5
Kids that have any length of stay are told to use their coping skills. Good advice. They can usually name a bunch of them. Good to know and better to use. Yet, I believe that it is helpful to know why they are coping skills and why they work.
Here is another slide from the kids:
I don’t know that it answers the question asked. However, it does answer why the coping skill of exercising works.
When you exercise, your body releases chemicals that promote happiness.
It also gets your heart pumping so that more oxygen to your brain. The more oxygen to your brain, the better you can think.
Another coping skill is to take deep breaths. Again, this is to get oxygen to your brain to help you think. Work through a problem instead of panicking. We all have a fight or flight reaction. If our body senses a threat, it releases chemicals that say run away or attack.
So here is a good technique to give oxygen to your brain:
https://visuals.autism.net/main.php?g2_itemId=138
4-7-8 Breathing
Dr. Andrew Weil's tip focuses on the correlation between emotions and breathing. People who are anxious or upset breathe rapid, shallow, noisy and irregular breaths. It’s easier to regulate your breathing than flip a switch on your mood. Try this technique known as 4-7-8 Breathing:
• Place the tip of your tongue against the ridge behind and above your front teeth
• Exhale through your mouth, making a whooshing sound
• Close your mouth and inhale deeply through your nose to a silent count of 4
• Then hold your breath for a count of 7
• Exhale through the mouth to a count of 8, and make the same whooshing sound
• Repeat for 4 breath cycles
Do this twice a day and you’ll be amazed by how easily calm washes over you.
There are other coping techniques. Counting to ten and such. These are a distraction so that your body has a chance to calm down.
Final thought: You have the right to complain and feel sorry for yourself. However, you do not have the luxury of it. You are too busy living the life you want.
Chapter 6
So then often people get upset and then handle it. Some people with a mental illness or even those without it can’t. This goes back to people with mental illness have the same behaviors as everyone else. Just more extreme.
There are many answers as to why some people have an extreme reaction.
One reason goes to the part of our brain responsible for fight or flight. It is the the amygdala. Its job is to sense danger and dump adrenaline into your body. It wants you to be safe, so faster than you can think it makes your body either run away or fight.
We need the amygdala.
However, if you have many problems and stress in your life, your amygdala gets stuck in overdrive. Think of the furnace of a home. If you have it set at a high temperature, the furnace kicks on a lot more often.
The coping skills (breathing, exercising, meditating, getting enough sleep) helps lower the thermostat on your amgyla. Then your furnace of adrenaline kicks on less often.
Coping skills are for more than just anger. It will help anxiety and stress. Things that make you feel less in control.
This is because the brain cannot tell the difference physical danger and emotional danger. It responds with fight or flight whether you are being chased by a wild animal or given bad news.
Chapter 7
While we are on the subject of your brain over doing it, everyone’s brain makes problems by focusing on negative thoughts.
A negative thought comes into your head and it is just a thought. Your brain thinks it's true, but it is really is not. It is not helpful.
A long time ago, when we were cave people, it was helpful. It kept us safe. That thing over there looks dangerous. It is a bad thing. Soo that animal. You are too slow and too weak to fight it. Stay away.
Our modern brain still does that. It tells us
You are stupid.
Something bad is going to happen
No one loves me.
Many people call these Automatic Negative Thoughts.
We have positive thoughts as well. We just get a lot more negative ones. They need to be pushed aside. Ignored. Argue with them inside your head if needed.
We all need to:
1.pay attention and keep track of how many negative thoughts we have
2.When we think one, we need to think. It’s just a thought, it is not true. Push it out of your head
3.Replace it with positive thoughts
The real danger is that negative thoughts attack us and if we think them too much, they become a belief. It becomes part of how you think of yourself.
Some people call these automatic negative thoughts ANTS. Because if you have too many of them, it will ruin your picnic (i.e. - living your life).
Kidsrelaxation.com calls them mind pirates.
First, what are mind pirates?
According to the webs site: https://kidsrelaxation.com/uncategorized/mind-pirates-first-step-find-them/ - Mind pirates are those stressful thoughts, or any bothersome thought that increases stress in the body and mind or causes upset emotions.
Like pirates, they attack and try to take over.
Chapter 8
The decision-making process.
If you want to make the right choices, there are steps to do so.
The basics are this:
Define the problem- it helps to decide what the problem really is.
Come up with as many solutions as you can- list many
Pick the one that sounds the best and fits with your values- This is something I want to do.
Do it.
Here is a worksheet to do it step by step:
>
Decision-Making Steps
1) State the problem
Click here to enter text.
2) Gather Information
3) List the Pros and Cons
Click here to enter text.
4) Develop alternatives
Click here to enter text.
5) Analyze alternatives
Click here to enter text.
6) Choose
Click here to enter text.
7) Do what you decided to do
Click here to enter text.
Here is another one:
Situation
(what happened)
Options
(What could you do)
1
2
3
Disadvantages
1
2
3
advantages
1
2
3
Solution
(what should you do)
Different steps, same approach.
Chapter 9
Any time people talk about EQ (Emotional Intelligence compared to IQ), Anger management has to be talked about. It is a common problem and people often then. It’s just the way I am. In a way it goes back to you are what you think. If you think you can’t, you can’t.
However, there are techniques and process to help people handle their anger. In a way, we have covered ways to help problems with anger. Using coping skills, watching your fight or flight reflex, breathing, and choosing positive thoughts.
However, for actual steps and processes, there many different ways touted. I like this from www.acc.nt.edu.au/documents/File/Statistical.../Dealing-with-Anger---powerpoint.ppt...
Step 1: Safely regain your emotional balance
Identify your anger cues
Regain your emotional balance instead of harming others
Breathe diaphragmatically. This relaxes your contracted muscle
Take an exercise break. Use up the adrenaline-fueled energy
Talk about it – find someone you trust and talk about it. Talking it through reduces the tension
Write a poison-letter – write out your anger. This releases a lot of the frustration. Once it’s written and the anger is released, destroy the letter
reduces the tension
Write a poison-letter – write out your anger. This releases a lot of the frustration. Once it’s written and the anger is released, destroy the letter
Step 2: Write it down in more detail
Describe the anger-provoking experience and your thoughts and feelings about it by writing it down.
Writing it slows the mind down. It also stops you going over the same info all the time.
Step 3: Identify your Unmet Need
Step 4: Take Action to meet your Need
Step 5 and 6 is to see the situation from the other persona’s point of view and to forgive
Step 3 and 4, talk about an unmet need. What this means is that anger is not a primary emotion. First comes another emotion. One we don’t want to admit to. We feel hurt or abandoned. We need to figure out what we are really feeling and why and then fix that problem.
The part about forgiving people helps other people. It also helps you. You let it go and then it does not stress you out anymore.
Here is another way to work through anger:
The 12 anger management strategies are:
Count backwards from 10.
Take 3 deep breaths.
Exercise or play to let off some steam/energy.
Find a quiet place.
Vent! Talk to someone!
Tell yourself calming statements. (It’s okay. Keep calm. Relax.)
Lie down and relax.
Tense your body- then relax it. (Repeat)
Use an I-Message. (I feel angry when you ___. I want you to ___.)
Think peaceful thoughts. (relaxing by the pool, holding your pet, hugging a parent)
Walk away.
Avoid anger triggers.
Chapter 10 - A few ideas to think about
In teaching interpersonal skills (for 6 months), I did not really get a handle on what to teach or how to teach it. I only knew why to teach it.
How to be happy takes some learning and a lot of practicing. It is not something people just do. Even if it seems so.
To cover some more topics on interpersonal skills, here are some things to think about:
Bullying.
Bullying Survival Tips
Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They're also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:
1. Ignore the bully and walk away. Make it boring for the bully.
2. Hold the anger. Instead of acting mad, smile.
3. Don't get physical.
4. Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
5. Take charge of your life.
• Exercise
• Learn a martial art of yoga
• Join a club
• Make new friends
6. Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend — anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you're being bullied.
7. Find your (true) friends. Don’t let fake friends be mean to you.
Friendship
A big topic. A book by Dale Carnegie gives these tips:
How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary
1.You can make a great first impression just by smiling.
2.To be interesting to others, talk about their favorite topic: themselves.
3.If you want to convince people, get them to say yes a lot.
Rule 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain
Rule 2 - Give praise Make people feel important
Rule 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Rule 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
You can be interesting to others by getting them to talk about themselves.
What’s everyone’s favorite topic?
The weather?
Nope.
Themselves!
Rule 5- Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say, "You're wrong."
Rule 6- Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view
Journaling
Keep a journal of your life. Anthony Robbins said, “If your life is worth living, it’s worth recording.” So true. Nobody can write the story of your life better than you can. Take time to remember the good memories of your life and do them justice. Don’t leave them to the chance of the fragile mind. Write down every detail using your five senses and do so on a nightly basis. You will find that you’ll uncover things about yourself you never realized before.
Writing is a great way to organize your thoughts and do something productive with them. When you write, your brain is actively working. Otherwise, your brain may just go in circles over a problem.
Choose Your Attitude- Quotes
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
Darkness Quotes, by Chinese Proverb
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
Control Quotes, by Chinese Proverb
He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we
have, and that is our attitude. Charles R. Swindoll
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_attitude.html
“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened” – Mark Twain
(Think of the worst-case scenario- ask yourself if you can handle it. Realize that the worst-case scenario will not happen
“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” – Henry Ford
First, ask yourself: What is the worst that can happen? Then prepare to accept it. Then proceed to improve on the worst.
Sources:
A List of Coping Skills for Anger, Anxiety, and Depression
https://hubpages.com/health/Coping-Strategies-Skills-List-Positive-Negative-Anger-Anxiety-Depression-Copers
Square breathing: https://visuals.autism.net/main.php?g2_itemId=138
www.acc.nt.edu.au/documents/File/Statistical.../Dealing-with-Anger---powerpoint.ppt...
Kidsrelation.com
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
https://blog.bufferapp.com/10-scientifically-proven-ways-to-make-yourself-happier
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