“Oh, Kitten, no. That didn’t happen. Shade woke up, and then Nerissa, Roz, and Trillian. But we couldn’t bring you back. Here—the Autumn Lord gave me this.” She held out a talisman like the one he had given me before. She was carrying one herself. “You go first this time.”
I clutched the talisman in my palm, holding it tightly as I whispered, “Take me home.” And then, everything felt misty, as the world around me vanished from sight again.
Chapter 10
ONCE AGAIN, I blinked and opened my eyes. This time, Perri wasn’t slapping my face trying to wake me up. I was in bed. Turning my head, I tried to figure out if this was real. Camille was in the bed next to mine, but the others were nowhere in sight. I tried to sit up, and Perri ran over, letting out a cry of relief. As she helped me to roll into a sitting position, Camille let out a soft moan, and she too, woke up.
“Is this real? Is this time for real?” I was just a little bit paranoid.
“You’re here. Everything’s all right.”
“I want to stand up. That’s the only way I can tell if this is real.” Frantically, I was shoving back the covers.
Perri stopped me. “Don’t jog the needle in your arm. Here, let me take it out first.” I stopped struggling, extending my arm for her to take out the IV. She pressed a cotton ball over the injection site, and then strapped a piece of tape over it. Next, she stood back and offered me her hand. “You may be a little woozy, so be careful. I don’t want you fainting. It’s been several days since you stood, or even sat up, for that matter.”
Several days? I hadn’t realized it had been so long. I eased my feet over the edge of the bed. The floor was cool against my toes, and my stomach lurched as I slowly stood, terrified that everything would vanish again and I found myself back in the Land of Wandering Souls once more. But this time, my feet stayed firm on the floor, and even though they tingled from not having been used for a few days, I actually began to believe I was home. I let out a sigh of relief.
“I’m really here. I really came back?”
“Thanks to your sister, yes, you’re here.” With a look of relief on her face, Perri motioned for me to sit back on the bed. “Take things easy. One step at a time. Let me go tend to your sister.” As she moved over to Camille’s bed, I sat back down.
Everything was all right. Everything was going to be okay. I was awake, Shade was home, back in his body, and everything would be just fine. Breathing easier than I had in a while, I turned around and watched as Perri attended to Camille.
A COUPLE OF hours later I managed to make it over to the main chamber where we had eaten breakfast a few mornings before. My muscles ached, but Perri released me, stressing for me to take it easy for a few days until all the drugs were out of my system. She also informed me that I had been gone a total of five days. Three of those were with Roz, Trillian, and Nerissa. The fourth and fifth days, I had been out there alone. I also found out that I really hadn’t returned to my body when I thought I had the first time. That had been part of the hallucination.
Camille joined me, though Menolly was asleep for the day.
“Where are the others?”
I looked around. “Shade? He’s okay?” Perri had told me that Shade had come through all right, but I had a sudden irrational need to see him.
Camille placed a hand on my arm. “Calm down. He’s fine. They’re just running some tests and checking his wound. It’s almost healed now.” She paused, then looked at me. “When I found you out there, you seemed terribly confused and afraid. You asked me something. About a trip when we were young—a camping trip. What was that all about?”
I stared at the table as I slid into the chair. Finally, biting my lip, I looked at her. “You know how they said that we might face our worst fears out there? They were right. Apparently, I’ve been hiding some deep-seated fears that I didn’t know I have. I also discovered what’s at the bottom of my fear of water.”
I hesitated, mulling over everything I remembered, trying to sort out the fears from the facts. Camille didn’t rush me. She just drank her coffee and let me take my time.
“First, I remembered a camping trip. We were out—you, Mother, Father, and me. I don’t think Menolly was born yet. I wandered too close to a stream and what I now think was probably a bollywog dragged me under. I almost drowned. Mother saved me, and Father, too, I guess. Anyway, I think I can trace my phobia of water to that point. Does that ring any bells?”
Camille frowned, leaning her elbows on the table. After a moment she let out a little gasp. “Yes. Actually, I think I do remember it. You were screaming, and I saw you. Mother and Father were going crazy.”
She paused, closing her eyes, then opened them wide.
“Oh.” She paused. “I know why I blocked it out! I was supposed to watch you, and I didn’t want to. I let you wander off and the next thing, I heard you screaming. I ran over in time to see something had hold of you. After they saved you, Father laid into me for shirking my duty. He gave me a horrible spanking—well, it seemed horrible at the time. I doubt if it was much more than a few slaps on the butt. He shook me and told me that it was my responsibility to watch over you because I was your older sister. He said that you could have died because of me. In fact, he said that if you had died, it would have been my fault.” She paused, shaking her head. “You know, I think that’s when I started intervening when the bullies came after you. I think I truly believed that if I didn’t watch out for you, you’d end up dead.”
“Boy, that trip got to both of us, didn’t it? Turns out, camping maybe not so much fun after all.” What Camille said sparked off the memory of what I had heard from Mother. At least, from my fears that had taken the form of our mother. “There’s more. While I was out there alone, I had another experience.”
I spilled it all out. I told her about seeing Mother, and what she had said to me. “Do you think she was right? Or rather, do you think my fears are right? Was I really so much trouble? Did I cause Arial’s death? Even if I didn’t mean to?”
Camille’s eyes narrowed.
“Delilah, none of that’s your fault. All three of you would have died if Father hadn’t made that pact with the Autumn Lord. Don’t you get it? Father chose to save two of you. He couldn’t save all of you, so he opted to save Mother and one of you. It was the Autumn Lord who made the final choice between you and Arial.”
I nodded. “That’s what I keep telling myself.”
“That’s the truth. And as far as our mother goes, well, I remember her better than you do. Mother loved you so much. She called you her ray of golden sunshine. And for me? You’ve never been a burden. Oh, our father screwed me over by putting the household on my shoulders when Mother died, but I never blamed you and Menolly for that. Somebody had to watch after you, and he sure wasn’t emotionally capable of it.”
I began to cry, softly. “So Mother loved me? She wouldn’t be disappointed in me?”
“Mother loved you. She loved all of us. And for what it’s worth, I think if she hadn’t fallen off that horse, she would have come around and drunk the Nectar of Life. She never had the chance to really think it over.”
“I always wondered why she wouldn’t.”
“She was probably afraid she couldn’t handle that much time. Delilah, you’re deeply loved. Mother? She adored you. You’re our Kitten. And Menolly and I love everything about you. Except when you don’t clean your litter box.” She laughed then, making me laugh, too.
“It’s amazing, the shit that gets into our minds. I was so alone out there. I felt more alone than any time in my life. I felt like an outsider in a way that I haven’t since childhood. Remember when they used to call us Windwalkers?”
She nodded. “I began wearing it as a badge of honor, but it always stung with you. I could tell, even when you didn’t say anything. I know it hurt you dreadfully.”
“I suppose. I just wanted to be liked. I wanted to feel like part of something bigger than m
yself. And I’ve always felt on the outside. At least, until now. I may not want to be part of this war, but it does make me feel like I have a destiny. I think that’s where all of this comes into play. I feel like a fraud, like I’m supposed to be this heroic warrior against a demonic invasion, this woman destined to bear the Autumn Lord’s child, and yet inside I still felt like that frightened little girl who was being sucked down by the bollywog and who was constantly taunted for being a Windwalker.”
Camille threw her arms around me, giving me a big kiss on the forehead. “Never forget: We make our own rules. When we were little, we swore we would always be there for each other. And I promise you, even though we are on separate paths, even though we have our own lives and destinies to fulfill, we will always be here for each other. Aeval and Titania had a fit when I told them to fuck off, that you were my sister and I wasn’t leaving you out there. But I didn’t trust anybody else to find you, because I know you. I knew I could find you.”
I shifted, straightening my shoulders. “You actually told Aeval and Titania to fuck off? For me?” I couldn’t help but giggle. It tickled me that she had stood up against them for me.
“Yes, and it’s going to take a while for me to get back in their good graces. But hell, they knew who I was when they helped me ascend to the throne. With your life at stake, there was no way I was going to let you stay out there. Or trust you to anybody else.”
At that point, the door opened. I looked up to see Shade enter the room.
He looked a little worse for wear, but overall, he was alive, and had a smile on his face. I jumped up, groaning as my muscles tweaked. But I ignored the pain as I ran over to his side and threw my arms around him.
I wasn’t the only one with aches. “Careful,” he said. “I’ve still got stitches in me. Apparently the soul-stealer blade was pretty damned sharp. And whatever juju it has slowed my healing process.”
He eased me to his left side, leaning down to kiss me. His lips were warm against mine, and I slid my fingers along his face, relaxing as I realized he was going to be okay.
“I was so afraid we were going to lose you,” I said, still clinging to his side.
“I think I lost myself for a while when I was out there. You brought me back, Kitten. And I do mean that. If you hadn’t changed into your tabby self, I don’t know if I would have recognized you. Sometimes a gentle force is stronger than all the brute strength in the world. I think that was a lesson I needed to learn.”
There was still a haunted look in his eyes, and I wondered if he still felt like half a man. I wasn’t sure whether or not I should ask him. It seemed like such a private fear and I didn’t want to embarrass him, but neither did I want him to go through life feeling incomplete. And perhaps thinking that I saw him as incomplete.
When I thought back to my own fears, it occurred to me that we all hid shadow selves. We all felt like we weren’t good enough, we weren’t pretty enough, we weren’t strong enough. That we just weren’t enough. Human, Fae, or Dragon, we all had our inner demons and they could be just as deadly as the demons we faced from the Sub-Realms. Oh, our fears might not attack us directly, but they were sneaky. We sabotaged ourselves, letting them eat away at our self-esteem, preventing us from growing and evolving.
“Do you remember much about what happened?” I decided the best way to handle this was to feel him out, to see how much he was willing to tell me.
“I remember too much. Everything has come back to me. When I first woke up, a lot of the memories were hazy but over the past couple of days I began to remember everything I encountered, and everything I said.”
He gave me a long look. “You know, when I woke up, and Roz and Trillian and Nerissa woke up, but you didn’t…that was probably the worst moment of my life.”
From the table, Camille cleared her throat. “I know there’s a lot you two want to talk about, but the others will be here in a few moments. While you were all out of your bodies, we did everything we could to locate the whereabouts of Yerghan the Blade. Today, we need to talk about what we found.”
I wrapped my arm through Shade’s and led him over to the table.
“She’s right. We do have a lot to talk over. But for now, we’re both here, and we’re both safe. And I am so hungry I could eat a horse. Or a mouse. But I’d rather have a bag of Cheetos and a burger, and a milkshake. Any chance of that?”
Camille laughed. “We should be able to rustle up something like that. I can’t guarantee we have any Cheetos in the house, but I’ll see.” She motioned to one of the serving men. He’d been standing close enough to hear the entire exchange, but now he looked at her, clicking his heels and bowing, as though he hadn’t heard a thing.
“Your Majesty?”
“Please have one of the maids bring my sister something to eat. If possible, a cheeseburger, some Cheetos, and a strawberry milkshake.”
“Very good, Your Majesty. Should I have refreshments brought for your entire party?”
“That would be a good idea. I’m sure we could all use something to eat. But make it the usual fare. I don’t want a dozen bags of Cheetos sitting around.” She laughed as he gave her another bow and walked away.
“Is it really very strange? Having servants like this?” I asked. “He was close enough to hear everything we were saying, but he acted like he hadn’t heard a word.”
“That’s their job. That’s why we choose our guards and servants so carefully. There’s no way to avoid sensitive material being overheard, so we have to be able to trust them. And it’s their job not to listen unless it sounds like there’s a threat being made. Trally overheard every single word, and he could have easily just taken care of matters without me. But it’s my place to instruct him.” She shrugged. “It’s a complicated situation. And it does feel strange at times. But I’m getting used to it, and I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing.”
Shade leaned his elbow on the table, and with his other hand pushed back his hair. For once, his shoulder-length hair was hanging free. He usually kept it in a ponytail, but today the amber strands were loose around his face, giving him a softer look. The scar down his cheek was half hidden by his hair, and his eyes were luminous. He was truly a beautiful man.
“In dragon culture, this would be casual. Camille knows—she’s seen it from up close and personal. The hierarchy there is fiercely enforced.”
“Now, how do shadow dragons play into it again? You’ve never really talked about it much,” I said. Even though Shade was half–shadow dragon, he seemed almost as distant from his heritage as he was from humankind.
“Unlike the other dragons who all live in the Dragon Reaches, shadow dragons inhabit the Netherworld. We are third in the hierarchy ranking. Silvers are always at the top. And then the gold dragons. Shadow dragons come next. Blue dragons are at the bottom. But as Smoky has told you, you can marry up. Which is why Hyto held the power he did.”
Camille winced, and a cloud raced across her face. She seldom talked about Smoky’s father and what he had done to her, but no matter how much time passed, I suspected there would always be a certain amount of PTSD. As Menolly had said long ago, you can drop the baggage and leave it behind, but you always carry the claim tickets.
“I think we should leave talk of Hyto out of this.” I flashed a look at him.
He grimaced. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Camille said. “What happened, happened. I’ve come to terms with it for the most part. But Shade’s right. Heritage is everything in the Dragon Reaches. If you don’t have a lineage, you might as well not exist. Orphans aren’t considered part of society. Everything is based on your ancestors, and while you can marry up, that offers no guarantee of lifelong success or respect.”
“What about us? How do they see the Fae and humankind?”
“Normally, the dragons wouldn’t blink twice in my direction. It’s only because of what happened with Hyto that they felt
they owed me a debt—they do live by honor. I think when I took the throne here, in Talamh Lonrach Oll, it may have helped matters. But when you get down to the nitty-gritty, dragons are an elitist, classist, and bigoted society.” She glanced over at Shade. “How does the fact you are half dragon play into matters?”
“That again depends on heritage. Smoky holds prominence because his mother is a silver. In cases of half-breeds, the higher blood wins out. As far as shadow dragons go, we’re accorded a separate status. Because we inhabit the Netherworld, and because the Stradolan race is the only one that can interbreed with us, we stand outside of the class structure. You’ll never find a half-shadow, half-silver dragon, for example.”
“So shadow dragons can only breed with their own kind, or with Stradolans?”
“Yes, and because of the realm we inhabit, both full and half-breeds are accorded great respect. Shadow dragons tend to be given a wide berth by the others, precisely because they don’t quite understand how we work. It isn’t like we’re a great authority, not like the silvers, but because we truly represent the dead in a way. We’re what you would call the shamans of our race. And those of us who are part Stradolan…well…we seem mysterious and deadly to the other dragons.”
At that moment, the door opened. In trooped Smoky, Morio, and Trillian. Behind them were Roz, Menolly, and Nerissa. Vanzir and Trytian followed. I didn’t see Iris, Bruce, or Hanna.
I leaned close to Camille. “Where are Iris and Hanna? And Maggie?”
“I told them to stay with the twins.” She paused for a moment, then added, “Yerghan the Blade is one of the most dangerous warriors who ever lived. He’s carrying a soul-stealer sword. I refuse to allow Iris or Hanna to come near this. Especially Iris. I know she’s faced a lot of foes with us, but she has children. I won’t risk losing her. I would never do that to Bruce, or the twins.”