CHESTER
I am sorry, man. I didn't mean to make you feel like shit because you threw the briefcase, which might have been worth millions of dollars, into the ocean.
KENNY
No hard feelings. I am just glad they were able to pull you out of the water before you went in to total shock and sunk to the bottom with the briefcase.
Kenny sighs.
KENNY
I think I am going to get the hell out of town. I have to get away, far enough that these two guys will forget about me.
Chester's cellular phone RINGS. He looks at the phone and hands it to Kenny.
CHESTER
This one is all you, buddy.
Kenny slowly takes the phone while Chester pops open another Corona from a six-pack by his side. He hands the beer to Kenny and throws out a handful of bait. Pelicans and seagulls swoop in on it.
KENNY
Hey, Kimmy.
SIMON
(V.O.)
Wrong, fuckface.
A fire-truck with blaring SIRENS zooms by behind them.
KENNY
Who is this? Where's Kimmy?
SIMON
She's doing the fuckin' dishes.
KENNY
You sick son of a bitch, what'd you do with her? Where is she?
SIMON
I just told you, you fuckin' idiot. She cooked me a lovely breakfast and now she is washin' the dishes!
KENNY
Oh, OK.
SIMON
So where is the briefcase? Just give us the fuckin' thing and we will forget this all happened. And maybe we will let your pretty girlfriend live long enough to kick your ass for losing her dog.
Simon LAUGHS through the phone.
KENNY
You want your briefcase? Then meet me downtown tonight in front of the Lewis and Clark statue.
Chester nudges Kenny. Kenny covers the phone.
KENNY
What? This is kind of important.
CHESTER
No good. First, you don't have the briefcase and second, the statue isn't there anymore. Some crazy lady drove it down.
Kenny SIGHS and uncovers the phone.
KENNY
In front of what's left of the statue in public where anyone can witness it if you guys decide to get trigger-happy.
SIMON
Fuckin' beautiful. Ten thirty and leave your balls at home. Oh wait, nevermind, Kimmy has them in a box next to her bed!
Simon LAUGHS again and hangs up.
Meanwhile, Chester laughs at the birds only to turn around to a large Pelican consuming the bait right out of the buckets. He reaches to grab the six-pack of Corona's but the bird spreads it's wings and SQUAWKS in defense.
CHESTER
Keep the damn bait, I just want my beer!
Chester raises his arms and flaps them obnoxiously to scare the bird. Kenny inches away and takes a swig of his beer.
KENNY
Oh, this should be good.
Chester flops around like a chicken. He CLUCKS numerous times and bobs his head back and forth.
KENNY
It isn't a chicken, Chester. Hey, maybe you should be careful. What if you're challenging it or something?
CHESTER
C'mon, it's a stupid Pelican. Nothing more than a mutant seagull.
While speaking, Chester turns his back towards the bird and is unaware that a Pelican roughly twice the size of the first lands. It is as big as a Great Dane.
Chester turns back around while continuing his chicken impersonation.
CHESTER
Oh shit!
The bigger Pelican lunges towards Chester.
CUT TO:
INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.
Simon buttons up his coat. Numbers extensively wraps duct tape around Kimmy's hands connecting her to the plumbing below the kitchen sink.
SIMON
If there are two things that every criminal should keep in the trunk of their car, they are; a two-liter of Cola and a roll of duct tape. Because Cola is the secret stain-lifter for blood at any crime scene, and when it is luke-warm, it will help you stay awake during any shitty stake-out. Duct tape, because it is the universal fuckin' adhesive. Case and point with you, darling.
Simon smiles at Kimmy while he straightens his collar.
SIMON
Me and Numbers figure it best to get a jump on your boyfriend a little early. While on the phone, I heard some sirens and other faint familiar sounds which direct me to the beach. This shit-hole of a town only has about two miles of people-friendly beach, so he shouldn't be too hard to find. Numbers, shall we?
KIMMY
You animals! What if I have to pee?
SIMON
Jesus Christ! I don't fuckin' know! Aim towards the sink!
KIMMY
With what, my penis? I am a girl, dumb-ass.
Numbers hands Kimmy a roll of paper towels and a bowl all while frowning at Simon.
NUMBERS
Maybe we should let her keep a little of her dignity, Simon. She did cook for us.
SIMON
She also swung a fuckin' ax at my head like I was a Christmas tree. The feisty bitch can piss on herself. I think sparing her life was quite fuckin' polite of me.
Simon fiercely kicks the BOWL away like he is aiming for a soccer goal.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT: CADILLAC JACK'S.
A BOWL of chips and salsa plops down onto the table between Kenny and Hank. Another manager is sitting with them, eating a bacon cheeseburger while intently listening. His name is HAYWOOD.
HANK
Thank you, Jennifer. Can you also refill Mr. Gee's soda for him, please?
The waitress takes the glass and leaves.
A little kid sitting a few seats down spills his soda all over the table and onto the floor. His mother smacks his hand and cleans up the mess.
HANK
Have some chips and salsa on us, Kenny. Go on with your story… explaining why you left your last job, of course.
Hank smoothes his hands over his shiny scalp while smiling with anticipation.
KENNY
Well, things just exploded out of control from there, literally. The town was becoming overwhelmed with college kids coming to party for the holiday weekend and spectators coming to see the dead whale. The cops had their hands full with all these arriving people. And on top of that, what to do with the whale?!
HAYWOOD
So, what did they do? Did they bury it?
KENNY
Negative, Mr. Haywood. They figured it would just resurface due to erosion.
HAYWOOD
Burn it?
Haywood wipes his mouth with his sleeve.
KENNY
I don't think so. That would be like trying to burn wet fire wood. The cops couldn't deal with it, so they called in the local authorities on exposing of big dead sea creatures.
HAYWOOD
And who would that be?
KENNY
Marine biologist majors from the Portland Community College. It was cheap and exciting all at once.
HANK
Ok, back to where you had to meet the guys at the statue. What did you do? I know that if I had two mobsters chasing me, I would run them over with my pickup truck! And then I would feed them to my cats!
Hank motions with his hands like he is steering a truck.
Kenny scratches his head.
KENNY
Sure. Actually, I never made it to the meeting place. These guys were good and they picked me off early.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT: JEEP.
Simon drives while Numbers yawns endlessly.
NUMBERS
I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours.
SIMON
Why don't you pray or something for us to find this prick. Call on Jesus or the Devil or somebody. Get God to smite his ass down so we can get him.
Numbers reaches over and grabs Simon's tie and pulls it.
Simon's fac
e turns red while he grips and controls the steering wheel. He brakes hard and the Jeep stops.
Behind them in traffic, a few cars HONK.
NUMBERS
Hey! Don't you ever say something like that. You should be thankful that God is merciful to scum like you. And I would never ever call upon the prince of darkness for anything. He is the adversary, like a roaring lion, walking about seeking whom he may devour! You want help from someone who will stab you in the back when you turn away? Simon, don't utter another word about God, or the Christ.
SIMON
Or what? You wouldn't do anything because…
CUT TO:
EXT: TRAFFIC.
The Jeep sits at a dead stop in traffic. Cars are piling up behind it. Most of the cars are honking while the drivers are cursing out their windows.
CUT TO:
INT: JEEP.
NUMBERS
No, I wouldn't do anything. But don't think that God isn't keeping score. He works in mysterious ways, Simon.
Numbers let's go and leans back in his seat. Simon rubs his throat.
SIMON
I am desperate here. I am fuckin' tired and am running out of time to get this briefcase back. Forgive me you fucking monk if I am willing to try anything to get this mess cleaned up. You can be holier than now, but I am not a God fearing man. So why don't you get that through your fuckin' cranium!
Simon taps on his cranium and sighs. Numbers shakes his head in disbelief.
NUMBERS
You don't believe in God, do you?
SIMON
Yeah, I do. About as much as I believe in Jesus, Mary, and the fuckin' Easter bunny. Listen up, man. I got a lot of bad shit that's gone down in me life and anytime I ever prayed to God for help, he just ignored me. So I figure he treats me like I don't exist, so I treat him the same. And I don't believe in no man who lived perfectly and bled to death on a cross. It is far too much for even