Her voice is pleasant and soft and the sound of it brings a half-smile to my lips. “Yeah, Mrs. Gephart, I’m not feeling well. I need to call my Mom so I can get permission to go home.”
“One second, dear.” Mrs. Gephart reaches under the counter and pulls out a black rolodex. She hums a catchy tune as she shuffles through the circular phonebook.
The interior of the office is bland and bright. The white walls, white countertops, and pale carpeting, makes me feel like I’m outdoors on a sunny day without my sunglasses. My eyes sting and I close them as a migraine materializes and throbs in my temples.
“Found it!” she squeals and the sound of her raised voice makes my head throb harder.
I don’t open my eyes, but I hear her shuffle across the carpet and then she dials my Mom’s number. The office grows quiet for a moment. “Ah, yes, Mrs. Davis? Hi. This is Mrs. Gephart at the school. I’m fine, thank you. Riley isn’t feeling well. She’d like to go home, but we need permission from you first. Sure. One sec. Riley?”
My eyes snap open. “Yeah?”
Mrs. Gephart places her hand over the receiver. “Your mother would like to speak with you.” I walk to the phone and Mrs. Gephart places it in my hand.
“Mom.”
“Riley, what’s wrong?”
I’m on the verge of tears and my voice cracks. “Mom, I’m sick I want to go home.”
“Sweetheart, it’s only the second day of school. How many classes do you have left today?”
“Three.”
“Three. Can’t you hang in there for the rest of the day?”
I break out into full on hysterics. “Mom, I just want to come home!” Mrs.Gephart hands me a tissue and I blow my nose.
“Okay, sweetie, it’s okay. Put Mrs. Gephart back on the phone.”
I hand the phone back to Mrs. Gephart. “Thanks, Mrs. Davis. You have a good day, too. Uh huh. Bye.” She hangs up the phone and I sniffle. My tears have stopped momentarily, but I know it’s only a matter of time before they pick back up again. Mrs. Gephart waddles over to me and pats me on the back. “There, there, dear. You just go home, get some rest, and feel better.”
I blow my nose again. “I will.” My throat sounds clogged, like I just sucked down a jar full of honey.
Mrs. Gephart smiles. “Good. I’ll let the rest of your teachers know you went home early.”
“Thank you.” I turn to leave and I stop when Mrs. Gephart speaks. “Oh and honey, whoever he is, he’s not worth your time.”
I nod and walk out of the office.
At my locker I remove the books I need to take home and Mrs. Gephart’s last comment is still ringing in my ears. Am I that obvious? Do I have the words ‘boy problems’ scribbled all over my face? If Mrs. Gephart has noticed, why hasn’t Rosa? Or my mom? Or anyone else for that matter.
It’s the middle of seventh period and the hall is abandoned. I’m glad. I don’t want to see anyone when I’m looking so disheveled and I don’t want to answer any questions if somebody asks me one.
My books thud as I continue stacking them on top of one another and suddenly, I feel like I’m not alone. I stand slowly and look over my shoulder and Henry is across from me at his locker, propped up against it. “Where are you going?” he asks.
I ignore him and pick my books up off the floor.
When I start walking he follows me down the hall. “Riley, where are you going?”
Even though I want to answer him, I don’t. I hum quietly, trying to drown out the sound of his voice. “Riley, if this is about this morning, I’m sorry, but you—you know I can’t…”
And then I snap. I’m wild, crazy and full of emotion and I don’t care. I throw my books down and shove him. “It’s not about this morning, it’s about, you! You’re so selfish! And mean! Do you even know how I feel? Do you even care? Do you know what it feels like to always come second? Do you know what it’s like for me to watch you with her, her! Do you know what it’s like when the one person you care about the most in the world doesn’t acknowledge you? Or keeps you a secret. Do you know what it’s like to feel like you’re being ripped in half? Well, do you?”
Henry’s eyes are wide. He raises his hands. “Calm down, Riley, please.” He touches my cheek and the warmth from his touch spreads through my entire body. “You don’t understand.”
I corner him and dig my finger into his chest and push my words out, even though I’m fighting the half of me that’s screaming touch me, infect me, love me. “I do understand!” I shout. “Don’t tell me what to do. You’re always telling me what to do and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of hiding! I’m tired of being your little play thing!”
I reach out to him, but I notice my trembling fingers and decide against touching him again. One more touch and it might be my undoing and so far, I’m holding my own.
His hand inches toward mine. His fingers are needy. “Riley, you know how I feel. You are not and never will be my play thing. You have my heart.”
I pull away from him, backing up. “No I don’t. I can’t tell if you really feel that way or you’re just feeding me load of crap so that I’ll do whatever you want. And I’m sorry Henry, but I can’t do or be who you want anymore.”
“What are you saying?” There’s shock and panic in his voice.
“Riley, wait. Come back, please,” he begs. “Let’s talk about it. I’ll end it with Callie I promise.”
The tears sting my cheeks. He’s still behind me, following me. I swallow hard. “Leave me alone, Henry.” I do my best to put up a cold front.
“Riley, you can’t do this to me. You’re killing me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.”
He’s lying. Messing with my head. Fucking with my emotions.
I run out the back exit doors, glancing over my shoulder as Henry stops at the steps. “Riley, please! You know you don’t want to do this!”
He’s right; I don’t want to do this. I feel like I’m losing a part of myself as I run away from him. More than that, I feel like my heart has just exploded in my chest.
I’m proud of myself for staying so strong in front of him. I’m proud for standing my ground instead of keeping quiet. But when I finally make into the safe haven of my car, I let it all out.
I hunch over, hugging my stomach and let out long agonizing sobs. And the whole time I cry I hear him in the back of my mind, begging—pleading for me to come back.
Get out of my head!
Even my thoughts involving him are accompanied by pain. A dull, incessant, throbbing pain. As I try to catch my breath and control myself the pain intensifies, circling around my gut, and I’m not sure when or if it will ever go away.
Chapter 12
“Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest...”~ Author Unknown ~
I’m broken. Hopefully I won’t be this way forever, but for now every part of me is broken. I’m also sick and obsessed, clawing at my own body trying to recreate the way it feels to have his hands on me. It’s not the same.
When I arrived home I’d consumed an entire quart of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesequake ice cream. I was hoping that maybe the frosty delight would dull the pain just a little bit. It doesn’t.
Henry calls. Once. Twice. Three times, and every time I hit the ignore button.
Then he texts me.
Plz talk 2 me.
R u home?
Can I come ovr?
I don’t answer his texts either.
Sleep. That’s all I really want to do. Sleep away my sorrows. Dream of blissful experiences. Dream of hope and laughter. Infectious laughter. Maybe today was a dream. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and everything that happened will be a nightmare. Somehow I doubt it.
****
I’ve convinced myself that I’m delusional because half-way through my slumber I hear, feel, and smell Henry. His clothes smell like a combination of tide detergent and his cologne. He breathes soft and raspy into my ear an
d I feel the warmth of his body next to mine. I sigh. This seems too familiar. Too real.
Rolling over, my hand smacks into something hard and a cough echoes throughout my room. My eyes fly open and I scramble from my bed and crouch down in the corner of my room. Henry rises and walks around the bed closer to me.
“Get out!” My voice is cold and brash and I’m pissed that he thinks my bed is a welcome mat. Thank you for stopping by! Come back soon! Perhaps that’s my own fault because I made it that way, but still. Every time he came over in the past I’d invited him. I didn’t invite him over today.
“Chill Ry,” he says. “It’s me. It’s Henry.”
“I know it’s you. I want you to leave.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. Leave. Now.” I stand. “How did you get in here?” I follow his gaze to the open window. Wind blows in and circulates through my curtains. I mentally huff a string of curse words for not remembering to lock it.
Henry rocks back and forth on his feet and nervously shoves his hands into his pockets. This is the first time I’ve ever seen him this way. Uncertain. Lost. He’s usually so sure of himself. He locks eyes with me. A solemn expression takes over his face. “Can we talk?”
His gaze is magnetic. He’s trying to pull me in, like a black widow on a web, lurking, waiting for her prey to get caught.
I’m fighting it—the power he has over me. The spell he’s cast. Because every part of me wants to be enveloped in his arms. I want his fingers in my hair. I want him kissing me. As long as I stay where I am. As long as I don’t look at him or move, I’ll be fine. He won’t over-power me. His charm won’t manipulate my judgment.
He doesn’t deserve my time. I’ve sacrificed plenty of precious minutes for him. I threw away a whole summer for him. But I’m tired. I’m in pieces, and I’m furious. The sooner I let him speak, the sooner he’ll leave and I get back to sleeping my life away. “You’ve got five minutes.”
Relief washes over his features and he sits down on the edge of my bed. “Will you come sit by me?” His lips curl into a half-smile. A seductive, come-hither smile.
I pick up a foot lurching forward and stop myself. No. I can’t. I have to be strong. Instead, I tap my bare foot against the wooden floor and twitch my hips. “No.”
Soft laughter escapes his throat. “So stubborn.”
So what if I was being stubborn or difficult or whatever, it’s my own prerogative. My eyes roll to my right and I check the time on my alarm clock. “Your five minutes are ticking by. Now you have four. I’d hurry if I were you.”
“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this?”
“Were you listening to anything I said earlier?”
“Yes. But you knew what you were getting into with this from the very beginning and you were okay with it. Now all of a sudden you’ve had this miraculous epiphany and you’re willing to throw everything we have away because you’re jealous.”
My mouth drops open and I gasp. “Are you kidding me? Is this conversation some kind of joke?”
A serious expression crosses over his face. He’s not joking. “Why don’t you tell me what you want from me, Riley?”
“I want you to stop what you’re doing?”
“And what exactly am I doing?”
“I want this whole you, me, and her threesome to stop.” What I really want to tell him or what I really want him to say is what he said to me in the hall. It’s over between me and Callie. She’s yesterday’s news. I love you. I want you. I choose you. You are my one and only.
All I get out of him is, “Uh huh.”
“Do you say the same things to both of us? Is that it? Do you enjoy the thrill of a double life? One for keeps. One on the sly sort of thing?”
He glares at me incredulously. “When I say it to you, I mean it.”
“And her?”
“I don’t.”
“Then why are you with her?”
“It’s complicated.”
He’s being vague and the uncertainty tone in his voice annoys me.
I pace across the length of my bedroom. “This conversation is over, Henry. Get out.” My voice is hard and brutal.
He doesn’t move.
“I said get out!”
He glances at his hand and examines his fingers. “I think I’ll stay right here.”
I’m unsure of what to do. All I know is that I don’t want to stay in here with him.
“My mom will be home soon,” I say. “She’ll be pretty pissed if she sees you here.” The threat of my mom coming home doesn’t work.
“I’ll take my chances.”
Finally, I’m so frustrated I try rationalizing with him. “Henry, you knew that this was going to end sooner or later.” I wish he would let me get over him. I wish he would forget about me. I wish that he would get out of here and find somebody else to play with. “I think its best that it’s happening now, at the beginning of the year.”
If this happened any later, I don’t know where I’d end up. Maybe in a psych ward.
And how would you like your meds today, Riley? Liquid or pill form?
“But, I love you,” he tells me. His voice is soft and there’s angst in it.
“You think you love me.”
“No. I love you.”
Hearing those words leave his lips breaks me apart all over again. I keep telling myself to ignore them—the words. But I can’t. I’m crippled on the borderline of love, lust, and grief. “Just shut up. Quit screwing with my head. I’m a person, not a game. And you keep screwing with me and screwing with me. I swear you get some sick pleasure out of this.”
He’s wearing a devilish grin and I already know what he’s thinking. “Don’t even think about it. You know that’s not what I meant.”
“But it’s all I think about. You’re all I think about. It’s like you’re the cocaine and I’m the junkie. I want more of you. I need more of you. If I can’t have you it drives me crazy.”
Lies. Lies. And more Lies.
“If you want more of that, then go get it from Callie.”
He stands and inches closer. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
I sigh. “I used to. Now I’m not sure what to believe anymore.”
“Callie doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s you—you’re the one I’m addicted to. Callie is just arm candy. Easily replaceable.”
“If you’re so addicted to me and Callie is so easily replaceable, why haven’t you replaced her yet? And why are you always with her and not me?”
A vivid picture of an alcoholic pops into my head. She’s passed out in her front yard clutching an empty bottle of vodka. Addicts are with what they’re addicted to at all times. And when they are without the fits begin. Shaking. Hysteria. Henry looks fine to me.
“Maybe you said it best, I’m selfish.” He takes another step. “Also, I have a lot of complications going on in my life right now. I wish you could understand that.”
He’s so close to me I can practically taste his cool, minty breath. If I move an inch my lips will brush against his. “Henry, stop.” His arms are over my head and he’s peering down into my eyes.
My hands are trembling and I clasp them together. I want him so bad that my nerve endings are sparking. I’m a live wire.
In a last ditch effort to save myself from seduction I duck down and crawl under his left arm. Henry spins around and laughs as I back into my door. “You’re quick Ry.”
I’m glad I’m so quick. Staring a second longer into his eyes and I would have wound up on my bed—with him.
I open the door and he grabs his shirt off the floor and tosses it over his shoulder. I usher him through the door and he faces me from the hall. His expression is vacant. “Is this really over? If it is I’m not sure if I can handle it.”
“Oh it’s really over.” I start closing the door and Henry wedges his hand in between the frame. “Henry just go.”
“What can I do to change your mind?”
/> “Nothing.” The word vibrates in my throat as the tears swell in my eyes. The image of him touching Callie’s face resurfaces and it’s painful. Replaying that moment in my mind is like pouring nail polish remover into an infected cut. Heat rises to my skin. My blood simmers and I feel like my veins have been tapped while my blood flows freely into some hungry vampire’s mouth. “Unless you have some miraculous epiphany and decide to dump, Callie.” I hope he senses the sarcasm as I mock his previous comment.
“I see,” he says.
“Goodbye, Henry.”
Then I slam the door in his face.
Chapter 12
“At some time in our lives a devil dwells within us, causes heartbreaks, confusion and troubles, then dies.”~ Theodore Roosevelt ~
I’m an addict, a Henry Garner addict. Except instead of a tourniquet wrapped around my forearm, the thin tight piece of latex is wrapped around my heart. Constricting. Squeezing. It’s squeezing the love out of me. Squeezing the life out of me.