Chapter 14
By the end of February, Kelly felt like a new person. Within two weeks of beginning the antidepressant, she felt renewed. She was sleeping better, the pounding had all but subsided, and her energy level was rising. She was thankful to be returning to normal after months of wondering what was wrong. Because of the increase in energy, she was keeping the house in order and cooking more. As a result, some of the tension with Mike began to lessen. He recognized her increased effort, and he even came home from work early a few times to spend time with the family. Maybe, just maybe, things were taking a turn for the better.
Then, at the beginning of March, things began falling apart again. After Kelly’s doctor visit, Mike decided to go to his doctor too. The blood pressure medication he was taking made the physical relationship between him and Kelly difficult, and though he hadn’t told her, that was one of the reasons he had been distant in that area. He swallowed his embarrassment and agreed to begin a prescription medication. It was very hard for him to do, and he hoped that Kelly would appreciate it, that it would help them to be able to build some intimacy again. When he told Kelly, she apologized for being so unkind about their relationship and said she hoped it would work. Still Mike felt nervous. Kelly’s expectations seemed so high, and he was still busy and stressed.
One night, Kelly approached him. “Mike, it’s been several days since the doctor gave you some medication. Why haven’t…we tried it?”
Mike looked at his hands. “Well, I’m a little nervous. It can cause blood pressure fluctuations, and things have been really busy. I can’t afford to have a health problem right now and miss work.”
Kelly looked disappointed, but she didn’t say anymore. After she went to bed, Mike sat awake thinking everything through. He loved Kelly, but he was still having trouble feeling close to her. There had been so much conflict and anger. It was obvious that she was feeling better, but it took time for him to open up again. He wasn’t sure about letting his guard down, and he knew, medicine or no medicine, it was his own self-protection that was the real issue. He just needed more time.
As the days passed, Kelly became frustrated again. She wanted to broach the subject again to Mike, but she wasn’t willing to make the first move. She was lonely and starving for affection, but she wanted Mike to come to her. She knew it wasn’t fair, but that was the way she felt. Besides, Mike was spending more and more time on the computer, and she was angry about that too. What could he possibly be doing? She nursed the questions that came to mind, and she eventually became suspicious of his time on the computer.
Finally, one Friday she decided to talk to Andrew about the situation. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt as if she could trust him. Part of her wondered if it was a bad idea given the fact that they were both attracted to each other, but she had already filled him in on the basics of her marriage situation. Late that afternoon, she walked down to Andrew’s office. “Got a minute?”
“Sure,” Andrew said. “What’s on your mind?”
Kelly shut the door. “I’m worried about Mike.”
“What’s going on?”
“Well,” Kelly wasn’t sure where to begin. “You know we’ve been distant for a while. And you know about the disaster dinner during the holidays. I thought that things would get better once I felt like doing things and cleaning house again. But now I’m beginning to wonder.”
Andrew looked Kelly squarely in the eyes. “What do you wonder, Kelly?”
“Well, he’s on the computer all the time. Sometimes he doesn’t come to bed until 1:00 in the morning. He’s aloof, and he doesn’t seem interested in me at all. It’s like he’s somewhere else.”
“You don’t think….”
“No, I don’t know, no, he’d never do that.”
“How do you know?”
“Mike’s just not wired that way. I don’t know. It’s probably just stress or busyness. But I feel so alone. I don’t know if I can do this forever.” Kelly tried not to let the tears form in her eyes, but it was too late.
Andrew put his hands on Kelly’s shoulders. “Kelly, I know you and I are both Christians. And I know how you feel about divorce. But you have been going through this for over a year. Do you think it’s worth it?”
“I could never do that to the kids,” Kelly said, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I wish I were different. I wish I didn’t care about all this stuff.”
“Kelly, it’s perfectly normal for you to want a real relationship. I think you really need to talk to Mike. If he sees how drastically this is affecting you, I think it will make a difference.”
“I don’t know,” Kelly whispered. “I think it won’t make any difference at all. Thanks for listening.”
Kelly nodded and looked away. She wiped her face with a tissue and tried to collect herself.. She was afraid to cry in front of Andrew. What if he tried to hug her? She still felt so attracted to him. She couldn’t bear to touch him. It would just open the floodgates. And yet something in her wished he were nearer.
“Any man should know how lucky he is to have you. Please don’t think otherwise.”
Kelly looked at him. There was a question in his eyes. She almost closed the distance between them, but then she turned around to gather her things. “Thanks Andrew. I’ll be fine. I hope you have fun in the mountains.”
“Wait,” said Andrew. He opened his drawer. “Here’s that CD I thought you might like. Her voice is great, but it’s not really my thing. You never did get it out of my player. Maybe it will cheer you up.”
She took the CD and smiled. “Thanks Andrew.”
Andrew touched her shoulder. “Take care of you. You deserve it.”
Kelly thought about Andrew’s words as she was driving home. The more she thought about them, the more she felt that he was right. She did deserve to take care of herself. She deserved to feel special, to be happy. She wasn’t sure how that would be possible, but she was determined to find a way. When she arrived home, she immediately went out for a jog. She had jogged early that morning, but she needed some time alone to think. Besides, she had so much energy; it felt good to be taking advantage of it.