CHAPTER SEVEN
Almost Live from the Green Room
Anna and Natalie stood trembling in front of the door—it felt like they were attempting to skydive without a parachute. Anna didn’t like heights. Natalie refused to fly. She burped again.
“I think I am going to vomit,” said Natalie without expression.
“Nerves or milky brandy?”
“Combination,” she replied as she massaged her temples.
Anna was going to read the Riot Act to Leo. She was about to unleash her inner bulldog right off its chain. I’m going to give this boy the lesson of his afterlife.
“Ready, one, two, three.”
Anna opened the door to find Leo sitting at the table patting it lovingly as if it were part of a happy memory. He stood up, took his hat off and looked earnestly at the two of them. Anna felt her hot air balloon of rage pop.
Leo was the most beautiful creature she had ever seen. A faded ninety six year old black and white photograph did not do his features justice. He looked almost alive. Almost. He was like an angel. I am falling unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. The line had popped into her head leftover from the days when Jacqui had been obsessed with Twilight. Reading the line out from the blurb had brought bile to her throat and she had promptly sent the article, ‘Feminism fails in Fantasy,’ in an email to Jacqui. She had made so much fun of it, falling on the ground with laughter when Jacqui dyed her hair a very Bella black. She spurned love at first sight but now the quote seemed apt. She would spike herself like Juliet and roam all eternity, hand in hand with this blindingly beautiful soldier. No, not quite. She shook her head in disgust at herself but could now understand her mother’s desire for her wonder bra. Perhaps Mum should have considered a tummy support garment? Who in the freak am I?
And then he spoke.
“Hello Miss Natsy, how are you? I thought it was you. I recognized you by your smell. You always smelled good, like roses. But you have changed. You have cut your hair, you have gotten old and a bit fat.” He looked sincerely into Nat’s aging face.
“Thank you Leo, you sent me to a mental institution twenty five years ago and now insult me to my face. Good to see you have worked hard on your personal development in Limbo. It is lovely to see you too. You stink of cigarettes as usual and still have that pimple about to pop on your chin. Shaving yet?” Mum was going to be okay. She smiled and then started laughing. Her eyes met Anna’s. She was getting flirty with this whippersnapper Adonis. “And that’s Mrs. Grey to you!”
“Crikey, you sure have changed. You used to be a timid little mouse and now you’re giving me a mouthful of cheek. I like tubby Natsy,” laughed Leo.
“Well she thinks you are a pain in the arse. It took me six months to finish off this room and you have trashed it. Explain yourself soldier.” Natalie puffed up her chest like a cockatoo, hands on her hips and started strutting around. Too far Mother cringed Anna.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend. She is more powerful than Aggie. She ripped me out of my world and sucked me here to this room. Fair dinkum.”
“Anna is my sixteen year old daughter you lout. I believe you met my husband last night. We are not tolerating any more of your ‘larks’. Change your ways, Sonny Jim.”
Anna looked at her and mouthed, “Sonny Jim?” She shook her head.
“Anna is a formidable channeller,” he said admiringly.
“No I am not. We were asking for Les, you know LES—your favourite LES. If only I could find LES everything will be all right LES, yes that LES!”
Leo looked astonished then mortified. Then peeved.
“You weren’t looking at Les, you were looking at me. You weren’t thinking about Les. You were thinking about me,” Leo smiled slowly and winked.
“I was not! You showed up in a nicotine fog and started throwing the furniture around like a supernatural toddler.”
“Doesn’t matter what Girlie Boy and Legs Eleven were thinking or saying, they don’t have the gift. It was you. You were thinking of me,” Leo smiled coyly.
Anna felt flushed. She wasn’t sure if her heart was aching with the supernatural strain of his handsome face in close proximity to hers or his astonishing lack of manners. Pig! How dare he judge Dylan’s self-expression through fashion and objectify Jacqui into a pair of legs.
The truth was her concentration did wander over to his classically chiselled jaw last night. She felt drawn to him and now she had released the rascal back into society. Good one Anna, she thought rebukingly.
“That’s a load of old cobblers, Leo. You have been hanging onto the coat tails of this family for nearly a hundred years. You are a bloody time space loiterer,” barked Natalie.
Both Leo and Anna looked at her blankly.
“I have done some reading Anna, you are not the only one who can use the Internet.”
Leo looked confused, “You speaking in tongues?”
Natalie continued, “Some ghosts sit on the edge all the time. They hang around the veil that separates the living and the dead and hitchhike a ride into town at any chance. And you’re one of those!” She pointed a finger at him.
“You looked like Mary Ellen just then,” he laughed. Natalie’s cocky posture slumped slightly.
“You have raised a good looking girl, just like Mary Ellen did.”
“I told you Aggie was pretty once.”
“Aggie?” Leo looked confused and then was silent. Anna was confused and silent. No boy had ever called her good looking before, dead or alive.
“So why the rampage, soldier?” Natalie resumed swaggering around like a Sergeant Major. All she needed was a crop and a whistle. Her mother was starting to enjoy herself, she picked up the frame of the stomped in Mary Ellen face. “Exhibit A—Mrs. Mary Ellen McNamara, appears to be jumped up and down on by a naughty little schoolboy.”
“She forced me back to the box and when I do get a day pass, like now, I can’t move far. I can’t go past that door. I’m hobbled.”
“No, you’re not hobbled. Les was hobbled,” the words flew out like an involuntary sneeze from Anna’s mouth.
Leo sat back down.
“You are right Miss, you are right.” He looked sorrowful and pensive and started to fade.
“I’m sorry about your room Natsy, I mean, Mrs. Grey. It’s a fine room. You mustn’t be short of a quid. Not like the McNamaras or me and Ma. When I entered the room, the feeling was high. I was expecting you. I thought you must have found Les and were calling for me. I had been waiting for you to change your mind. I know you are kind. I knew you would help me. I popped into this fancy strange place with these funny looking people, all calling for Les but he was nowhere to be seen and you were nowhere to be seen. I lost my rag. Then I saw the wall and I recognised some of the photographs. I knew I was close. I don’t wanna go back into the box. Bloody Mrs. McNamara, the old bag. She never liked me. She always gave me grief.”
“You probably deserved it,” said Anna. Shutup Anna her brain screamed. She had been firing off random canon balls for hours now.
“I did,” he replied in a small voice.
There was a loud bang and a couple of choice expletives. Kevin was now inside the house and wandered around the kitchen in need of tea and sympathy … and a bandaid.
“I’m so tired,” said Leo forlornly.
“You’re tired?” Anna and Natalie exclaimed together.
“It’s five am in the morning!! Please Leo, behave yourself, just lie low,” begged Natalie with one ear tuned into the noise in the kitchen.
Leo took her hand, “I’m well over one hundred years old. The days are very long. Please help me. There are not many of us left. Please help me. I’m so lonely.”
Natalie started backing out of the room, with her finger on her lips, “In here, Kev darl, just cleaning up the mess. Such a lo
t of glass!” She eyeballed Leo accusingly, “Let’s put the kettle on,” she shouted to Kevin and walked out the door but she turned around and came back.
“Leo, I did try and reach him, I really did. Nothing ever came of it. I really am sorry. You cross my mind everyday. Everyday Leo. I prayed that you had found peace.” She turned and was gone.
Anna started collecting the large fragments of glass. Leo was no longer visible but she could still smell cigarette and something else unpleasant burning. She was not sure what it was.
“You stink,” said Anna. She was going to cut her tongue out in a minute.
“Yep, I sure do, Miss Anna,” replied Leo wanly. “I’m going now. Being here with you and the living is getting harder for me to do. But I will be back soon. You will wait for me? You will help me? You are so powerful.”
“Yes, I will be here, but where are you going?” she replied flustered.
“Not really sure what it’s called.”
“Very helpful,” muttered Anna. “I don’t suppose you know the date and place of your death? I will need those facts for starters.”
“Ummm … nope.” Of course not!
“Well I will be cleaning and vacuuming in here all day, thanks to you.” No, she was going to pull her tongue out with her bare hands and thrash it on the table.
“What’s vacuuming,” he sighed gently and was gone.
Anna kept picking up glass. She hadn’t spent the whole night awake since the Jacqui Snake Tattoo incident. Her eyes felt itchy and she needed a shower. She continued to clean silently and systematically wanting space to think, think of what to do next. A slight ruckus was going on in the kitchen. She would leave Dad to Mum for now. Dad’s mind was going to explode when he discovered his number one staunch family ally was an apprentice ghost whisperer.
Anna needed time to assess the situation. It was a lot to take in. She wanted to see Dylan and Jacqui this morning. She needed to make sure they were okay. What did she normally do when she was overwhelmed? Blame Jacqui. Her mind felt all fuzzy and her heart was racing.
Leo was the most annoying person she had ever met. Barring Dylan. He was also the most pitiful. Excluding Dylan. He had the most angelic face she had ever seen. Including Dylan. Not that she believed in angels or any celestial beings. They were probably another cultural construct. She was starting to feel like herself again. What would Anna pre Leo do? She sat down on the chaise and tried to think a single sane thought. The epiphany came. She would write a list, jumping up she went to her room to turn on her laptop. She paused. Instead, she grabbed a pen and some paper, crisp solid paper and inhaled its sensible scent. She hurried back to the green room, settling down on the chaise. The concreteness of the pen poised in her hand contrasted to the surreal mess she found herself in. A list, what a good idea, Anna congratulated herself on keeping a level head, imagining the Dylan and Jacqui show in high fidelity hysterics.
“Now, what to write on the list?” She yawned and lay back on the chaise. ‘Getting rid of Leo’ sprung to mind. But that seemed mean after all his sorrowful banter and soulful looks. She crossed that out and wrote underneath, ‘Helping Leo with his Inability to Cross Over.’ She reread it. It was the most ridiculous thing she had ever written. Next, she would be writing odes to angels, or penning ballads to unicorns. She shook her head. Ghosts were real and her cleverly ordered world was turning on her short curly head.
She fell asleep, clutching her pen and dreaming of phantom soldiers with feathery white wings. Voices rose and fell in gentle harmony singing Danny Boy. Leo was playing the harp, grinning and swaying like a rock star and plucking out a pop tune. His lips were puckered into a mock kiss and his eyebrows wriggled suggestively.
Anna woke up with a start. She looked around the room and saw it had been restored as she had snoozed. How had she slept through their bespoke vacuum cleaner roaring like a hovercraft? Kevin liked to fix stuff with old white good parts. She had slept through it and sat up groggily craving normalcy. She should wander over to Dylan’s and check on how they were faring. She worried for the pair of them—being normal was not Dylan or Jacqui’s strong suit. She was still so tired, she could hardly move. Get up Anna and get on with it screamed her prim frontal lobes. Stay on the couch whispered her pons.
She wandered around the house. Mum was sleeping on her bed while her Dad slept on the couch with Twister on mute. Anna traipsed through the garden. Buns was snuggling with Chooky the chook. The weather was changing. She made her way down to the granny flat, knocked softly once and entered. Beth was sitting at her computer, wedged into her swivelling chair with pillows, trying to finish off an essay on Native Title. She didn’t want to email it late—the Dean was already being very supportive of her.
“How did last night go, get a rise out of Heath?” She chuckled and resumed typing.
“How did you know?”
“Well, I came into the kitchen for some bread. And some butter. And some jam. Oh and some lettuce, God I crave lettuce—and pizza and a spoonful of peanut butter. But I only had one Tim Tam and don’t let Mum tell you otherwise,” Beth laughed.
“I put my ear to your beloved ‘green room’ and heard Jacqui divining for Heath. I felt sorry for the poor soul.”
Anna sat down at the small table and rested her head on the cold laminated surface.
“Are you okay, you look kind of zonked,” Beth said tenderly. She remembered how Anna had sat and patted her back when she had broken up with Blake, feeding her iron tablets and raspberry cordial and helping her through her severe morning sickness with her thoroughly researched homeopathic remedies. Anna had stood at the front door and refused Blake entry like a tiny sentry.
“Yes, I’m fine, just tired,” Anna’s lips began to tremble, “And freaked out of my freaking mind.” She began to cry and her crying quickly reached sobbing frenzy as she lay down on Beth’s bed and hid her face in Larry’s belly. Thirty seconds later, she sat up gagging for breath. She spat out great tuffs of black hair. Larry kept on snoozing. He wasn’t moving unless there was chicken fat in the offering. Lottie was folded into a beige crease in Beth’s unmade bed. She was incognito.
Beth looked at her with disbelief. “Anna what’s wrong? What’s the matter?” She edged herself carefully out of the chair and waddled over to the bed and flopped down. “Okay, okay … I ate more than one Tim Tam,” Beth laughed nervously. “What is up Anna? I have never seen you like this.” She rubbed Anna’s back and gave her a tissue to collect the residual shag stuck to her chin. Lottie came out of hiding and sniffed her anxiously with knowing concern.
“Something weird has happened, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if you will believe me. I wouldn’t believe me,” Anna started her open mouth sob again.
“Deep breaths, honey, deep breaths. You can tell me anything. Is it going to upset Mum and Dad?” she whispered.
“It’s going to break Dad’s heart,” she convulsed with tears.
“You’re not pregnant are you?” Beth flung her arms around her and gripped her in a vigorous awkward embrace. The baby kicked between them in protest.
“No, no, no, I haven’t ever—”
“Good girl honey, I’m so relieved, good girl, phew,” Beth let out a deep sigh which ended in her releasing Anna and crossing her legs and eyes and fingers. “These practice contractions take my breath away. Please stop bouncing on my bladder, baby.” She let out a very deep breath and panted through the next contraction. Larry put his head up in mild curiosity.
“Sorry about that, back to you. What has happened? Is it Jacqui?”
“No, why would it be Jacqui. She is my best friend,” she said defensively.
“Yes, your best worst friend. It’s pretty obvious you two don’t have a huge amount in common at the moment. Even to a self obsessed pregnant girl who spends most of her time in this shed.” She f
lapped her arms majestically in all directions. Kevin insisted the shed should be referred to as a granny flat or home office.
“It’s not Jacqui.” Not this time anyway, she thought to herself.
“Don’t be too hard on Jacqui, I think she has it pretty tough.”
There was a gentle knock on the door. Kevin poked his head through the doorway. Natalie was behind him. They both had matching red-rimmed eyes. Natalie was still in her mauve dressing gown.
“How’s our latest addition going, still enjoying it out here?” Kevin wrapped at the gyprock. “Made to last,” he patted the wall lovingly. “It’s not draughty in here, is it Bethy?” He said in concerned voice.
“No Dad, we are as snug as, you really know how to build stuff. It’s as solid as your front verandah,” she winked at Anna.
Kevin puffed up like a peacock while Natalie sat down at the desk.
“Just calling an impromptu family meeting,” said Natalie.
Anna jumped up. “But Liam is not here. We can’t have a family meeting without your only son,” Anna started pulling at her short curls. Dad is going to freak. She always had a special bond with her Dad. It was about to be ruined because of the pulchritudinous poltergeist in the green room. She felt her hands shake and her lips were dry.
Kevin tried to move his mouth. The lump in his throat rose up and prevented speech. He shook his head noiselessly like a winded wombat. Now it was Beth’s turn to panic. “Please tell me what is going on? Is someone sick? Is it Nanna? Did Liam crash the car again?”
He pulled Anna into a big bear hug. “Anna and your mother have a very special gift, they are … Communicators.”
“Well they always manage to get their point across, particularly you Anna,” said Beth.
Kevin shook his head and sat down on the bed and started adjusting Larry’s collar.
Natalie pulled out a box of chocolates hidden in the folds of her dressing gown. Anxiously, she tore at the plastic covering and offered one to Beth.
“Yes, Anna is the most articulate sixteen year old I have ever met, and the most opinionated,” Natalie smiled affectionately at Anna.
“What your father is trying to say is we can ‘communicate’ with the dead,” she popped a caramel choccie into her mouth and looked pensively into Beth’s face.
“By the way, Blake is sitting crossed legged on the bean bag out on the front verandah, sending you his Big Love vibes. Are you feeling them?”
Beth looked from her mother, to her sister and then to her father.
“Not really,” she replied wide eyed.
“What do you mean has he crashed the car AGAIN?” Kevin snapped back to reality in a heartbeat.
Natalie hurriedly resumed talking. “I always thought that you would inherit the gift Beth, Anna is more like your father’s family in temperament and in looks. That is why I didn’t stop you having the séance. I thought it was just one of Jacqui’s short-lived fancies. You know what she is like, one minute you are all rollerblading, the next you are writing protest blogs about mandatory school uniform. I thought it would fall flat and then you would watch a movie.”
“I am finding this really hard to believe,” faltered Beth. “I have never seen anything in the slightest supernatural or scary. Why would you think I have the ‘gift’?”
“On the day I brought Anna home from the maternity hospital, you were nearly five. Agnes, my dead Aunt was waiting by the front door, ‘Hello darlins,’ she said. She peeked into the little bundle in my arms and gave you a kiss on the forehead.”
Yuck thought Anna remembering the beard.
“Then she patted Beth’s long silky brown hair and touched you gently on the face. You said, ‘Mum, an old lady butterfly landed on my cheek.”
“Aggie turned and said, ‘This one is special too.’ I really thought she meant Beth. But she was obviously referring to Anna.”
“I’m special too,” said Beth, imitating Dylan’s sulky voice.
“You know what I mean,” laughed Natalie.