“Sage is fine, Ms. Evans. We were just wondering if you knew who was supposed to pick her up from school today? Class ended about thirty minutes ago, and no one was here to get her.”
“Her mom picks her up,” I replied, looking at the clock on my dash. “She didn’t call?”
“No, ma’am. We’ve been trying to reach her, but haven’t been able to.”
“That’s weird.”
“It is,” she agreed.
“Okay, well, I’ll come get her and try to get ahold of Rachel, but it’s going to take me at least half an hour.” It looked like my appointment downtown was going to have to be postponed.
“That’s totally fine. Sage can just hang with me in the office.”
“Okay, tell her Auntie Kate will be there soon.”
I hung up and pulled off the freeway so I could turn around. Shit, if I tried to go north I’d be stuck in stop-and-go traffic for the next two hours. I navigated back streets working toward Sage’s school, calling Rachel over and over. The longer she didn’t answer, the more my stomach tightened.
My best friend wouldn’t forget to pick up her child at school. She was a second grader, for Pete’s sake. It wasn’t like her pickup time was any different than it had been for the last two years. Something was off.
It took me less time than I thought to get to Sage’s school, and I whipped into a parking space with shaky hands.
I had an awful feeling in my gut that I couldn’t seem to calm.
“Hey, I’m looking for a girl, short, dark hair, goes by some ridiculous plant name…” I said in my most serious voice as I reached the front office.
“Auntie Kate! I’m right here!”
“Ah, yep. That’s the one I’m looking for,” I teased, smiling as my favorite girl in the whole world wrapped her arms around me.
“You just have to sign her out,” the office lady said with a grin.
“No problem.”
I signed Sage out and walked her to my car, popping the trunk to pull out the spare booster I kept there.
“Where’s my mom?” Sage asked, bouncing around on her toes. The excitement of riding around in my car had obviously eclipsed the trauma she’d endured by being forgotten at school.
“I’m not sure, kiddo,” I answered as I got her situated in the backseat.
“Daddy’s at the range today!” Sage informed me as we made our way to her house.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, he’s been home for a long time.”
“It sure seems that way, doesn’t it?” I replied cheerfully. She had no idea.
I didn’t mind that Rachel wanted to spend time with Shane while he was home. I totally understood it. But it sucked being the friend who was ignored when someone’s significant other came home from yet another military deployment. I practically lived with Rachel while Shane was gone—she hated being alone—but the moment her husband stepped foot on American soil, I was persona non grata again.
It had been happening for years. I wasn’t sure why it still bothered me.
“Mom’s going to have a baby soon,” Sage piped up from the backseat as I turned onto their street.
“I know, pretty exciting, right?”
“Yeah. She’s having another brother, though.”
“What’s wrong with brothers? I have two brothers,” I reminded her, pulling into their empty driveway.
I climbed out of the car as she started to answer and looked at the quiet house in confusion when no one came to greet us. Where the hell were Rachel and the boys?
Sage continued rambling on as I helped her out of her seat. “—wanted a sister. Boys stink, and they only play with boy stuff—”
“Kate?” someone called from across the street. “Where’s Rachel? She was supposed to pick up the boys like two hours ago!”
I turned to see Rachel’s neighbor Megan crossing the dead-end street with Gavin on her hip and Keller skipping alongside her.
“No clue,” I answered quietly as she reached me. “The school called because she didn’t pick Sage up. I’ve been trying to reach her for the last forty minutes.”
“Where’s my mom?” Sage asked, looking between us in confusion.
“Hey, sis, take the boys inside for me, would ya?” I handed her my keys as Megan set Gavin on the ground. “I’ll be inside in a sec, and we’ll make a snack. You guys want to make some cookies?”
“Yeah!” Keller yelled, throwing his fist in the air.
“No hello for your favorite aunt?” I asked him with a raised brow.
“Hi, Auntie Kate! Cookies!” he yelled, racing toward the door with Gavin and Sage trailing behind him.
I watched as Sage unlocked the door, leaving the keys hanging in the lock as she rushed inside.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked, turning to Megan.
“I have no clue. She said she was going to get her nails done and she’d be back in, like, an hour. It’s been well over three now,” she replied in frustration, wrapping her arms around her waist.
“That’s not like her.”
“No, I know it’s not.” She rushed to add, “I’m not mad, I’m worried. She’s usually back before she says she’ll be.”
“Auntie Kate, cookies!” Keller screamed at me from the front door.
“I better get in there,” I told Megan, looking over my shoulder at Keller swinging on the open door. “Thanks so much for watching them.”
“No problem,” she answered with a nod. “Let me know when you hear anything, okay?”
“Sure,” I said, already walking toward where my little monkey was trying to climb the door frame.
“Let’s go make a mess in the kitchen!” I announced loudly, picking Keller up like a football as he giggled. I forced myself not to panic in front of the kids as we pulled ingredients out of the cupboards and began trashing the kitchen. I told myself that Rachel would call soon, but the longer I was there with no word from her, the less I believed it.
* * *
We didn’t hear anything, not for hours.
I tried to call Rachel at least a hundred times but she never answered, and after a while I couldn’t even leave another message in her full voicemail.
It wasn’t until I was making dinner for the kids that my phone rang, and I almost dropped it in my haste to answer.
“Hello?” I said, walking toward the laundry room for a bit of quiet. “Hello?”
“Can I please speak to Katherine Evans?”
“This is Katherine.”
“Hello, this is Margie at Tri-City Medical Center. I’m calling about a Rachel Anderson.”
My knees felt like water, and I reached out to grip the washing machine to keep me on my feet. “Is she okay?”
“Ma’am, she’s been in an accident.”
“Is she okay?” I could hear my voice becoming more shrill with every word, and I clenched my teeth to keep myself from yelling.
“Can you come to the hospital, ma’am?”
The woman’s voice was unnaturally calm, and I knew that no matter what I said she wasn’t going to give me a straight answer. Hell, it was her job to notify people that their family was in the hospital. She didn’t give a shit that I was about to lose my mind.
“I’ll—” I looked around the laundry room in a panic. What was I supposed to do? “I’m on my way. Tell her I’m on my way.”
“Come straight to the emergency entrance when you get here.”
“I will.”
The minute she hung up, I bent at the waist and braced my hands on my knees, trying to get my shit together.
Rachel was fine. The baby was fine. I was freaking out over nothing. I was getting myself worked up over nothing. It was just an accident.
“Sage!” I yelled as I walked quickly through the house. “Keep an eye on your brothers. I’m walking over to Megan’s real quick—I’ll be right outside!”
As I reached the front porch, I began to sprint, and by the time I was at Megan’s front door I was out o
f breath and on the verge of tears.
“Kate? What’s up?” Megan asked as she swung the door open.
“Can you take care of the kids? I have to go—the hospital just called.” A painful sob burst out of my throat, and I wiped my hand over my face to try to gain some control. “They said Rachel’s been in an accident. I need to get over there.”
“Sure, honey. No worries,” she answered before I was even finished speaking. “Caleb, get your shoes on, bud! We’re going over to the Andersons’ for a bit.”
“Woohoo!” I heard from somewhere in the back of the house.
“Did you call Shane?” she asked, sliding into some sandals by the door.
“I didn’t even think to,” I replied with a small shake of my head. “He’s rarely here. I forgot he was in town.” I felt like shit for not calling him, but I was so used to taking care of things while he was gone that it hadn’t even dawned on me. I’d driven Rachel to the hospital when she’d had Gavin, taken care of things when Keller broke his arm, and helped with a thousand other little events over the past few years. I stepped in every time he was gone, and I hadn’t thought about him for one second as I’d paced around the house that afternoon.
“We’ll be over in a minute. I’m sure she’s fine,” Megan assured me with a nod. “You better go get some shoes on and let the kids know I’m coming over for a visit.”
“I’m not telling them—” I shook my head and looked down at my bare feet. I hadn’t even noticed the hot pavement as I’d run across it barefoot. Why didn’t I put shoes on?
“Come on,” she said gently, pushing me away from the door as her kid raced out ahead of us. “We’ll walk you over.”
* * *
I’m not sure what I said to the kids about the reason I was leaving, and I don’t remember the drive to the hospital or even where I parked that afternoon. I can’t recall what the nurse looked like as she searched for Rachel’s name in their computer system or the walk toward the room where I waited for someone to speak to me.
The first thing I remember clearly is the white-haired doctor’s kind face as he sat down across from me, and the young chaplain’s small smile as he chose the chair to my left. Their words became a litany that I would hear in my dreams for years.
My Rachel was gone, but her son was alive and in the NICU.
“Is there anyone you’d like for us to call? Any family or friends that you’d like to be here?”
The question jolted me out of the fog that seemed to be getting thicker and thicker around me. Dear God.
“I’ll make the calls,” I answered, looking blankly at the wall. “Can I have some privacy please?”
“Of course. I’ll be right outside if you need me,” the chaplain answered, reaching out to pat my hand. “I’ll take you up to the NICU when you’re ready.”
The room was silent after they left, and I fought the urge to scream at the top of my lungs just to hear it echo around me. I understood then why people hired mourners to wail at funerals. Sometimes the lack of sound is more painful than the anguished noise of a heart breaking.
My hands shook as I pulled my phone out of my front pocket and rested it on the table in front of me.
It only took a moment before the sound of ringing filled the room, and I rested my head in my hands as I stared at the name across the screen.
“Hello? Kate? What’s wrong?”
“Shane—” I said quietly, my voice hitching.
“What? Why are you calling me?” His voice was confused, but I could hear a small thread of panic in the urgency of his words.
“I need you to come to Tri-City hospital,” I answered, tears rolling down my face and landing on the glass screen of my phone, distorting the letters and numbers.
“Who?” His voice was frantic, and I could hear him moving around, his breathing heavy.
“Rachel was in an accident.” I sobbed, covering my face to try to muffle the noise.
“No,” he argued desperately as I heard two car doors shut almost simultaneously. “Is she okay?”
I shook my head, trying to catch my breath.
“Kate! Is she okay?” he screamed at me, his anguished voice filling the room as I’d wanted mine to just minutes before.
“No,” I answered through gritted teeth, feeling snot running down my upper lip as I heard him make a noise deep in his throat. “She’s gone.”
He didn’t say a word, and less than a second later the connection was broken.
I could barely force myself to reach across the table for a tissue as I scrolled down my contact list and pressed SEND again. I wasn’t finished.
“Hello!” Her voice made me whimper in both relief and sorrow.
“Mom?” I rasped.
“Katie?”
“I—I—”
“Take a deep breath, baby. Then tell me what’s wrong,” she ordered.
“I need you and Aunt Ellie to come down here,” I cried, straightening my back and wiping the tears from my face. “I’m not—I don’t know what to do.”
“Okay, we’ll find a flight,” she answered immediately, like flying from Portland to San Diego was as easy as walking across the street. “Now what’s going on?”
“Rachel was in an accident,” I ground out, the words like gravel in my throat. “She didn’t make it, and I’m worried about Shane.”
“Oh, Katie. My sweet girl,” she said sadly. “We’ll be on the first flight down, okay, baby?” Her voice became muffled as she covered the phone and yelled shrilly for my dad.
“I just, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing,” I confessed with a sob. “Shane isn’t here yet, and I don’t think I can see her, and the baby is in ICU.”
“The baby’s okay?”
“Yeah, they said they were just keeping him under observation.” I rubbed at my forehead, trying to convince myself that it was all just a nightmare. Where was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to do now? My best friend in the entire world was there in that hospital, but not really. I couldn’t bear to see her. I couldn’t help her. Where the fuck was I supposed to go? “What do I do, Mom?”
“You go see your nephew.”
“What?”
“You go to the NICU, and you hold your nephew, and you tell him everything is going to be okay,” she told me, tears in her voice. “You go love on that baby. Where are Sage and the boys?”
“They’re with a neighbor. They’re okay.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
“Dad found some flights. I’m on my way, princess,” she told me gently. “We’ll be there soon. Now go take care of our new boy.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too. I’m on my way.”
I made my way to the NICU as quickly as I could, and within minutes I was holding my new nephew in my arms. The nurses told me that he’d passed all of his tests with flying colors, and I was in awe as I sat down in a rocking chair, cradling him to my chest.
“You sure got a shitty beginning, little man,” I murmured against his fuzzy scalp, rocking back and forth gently. “I’m so sorry, buddy. You’re probably missing your mama and that warm bubble you’ve been in for so long. I can’t help you there.”
I sniffled, closing my eyes as tears rolled down my cheeks. My whole body ached, and even though I had that little boy in my arms, the day seemed like some sort of surreal dream, foggy in some parts and crystal clear in others. I wanted to hop up and take his sleeping little form to Rachel, to tease her about the weird Mohawk thing he was sporting and make joking comments about how men always seem to sleep through the hard parts of life. I wanted to see her smile proudly at the sturdy boy she’d produced and grumble that I was hogging him.
I wanted everything to be different.
I hummed softly with my eyes closed for a long time, holding the baby close to me. It was quiet where we sat, nothing breaking up the stillness of the room until I heard someone open the door.
“There h
e is,” the nurse murmured from the doorway.
My eyes popped open to see Shane’s ravaged face just feet from me. He looked like he was barely holding on. I swallowed hard as his red-rimmed eyes took in his son carefully before rising to meet mine.
“Is he okay?” he asked thickly, searching my face. I’d never seen him so frightened.
“He’s perfect,” I answered, my voice throbbing with emotion. “The nurses said he’s a rock star.”
He nodded twice, reaching up to cover his mouth with his hand, but before he could say another word, he was stumbling and falling to his knees with an almost inaudible sob.
Also by Nicole Jacquelyn
Unbreak My Heart
Change of Heart
Acclaim for Nicole Jacquelyn and Her Novels
“Change of Heart is sexy, emotional, and the perfect follow-up to Unbreak My Heart. Fans of Colleen Hoover, Jamie McGuire, and K.A. Tucker will enjoy Change of Heart.”
—HarlequinJunkie.com
“This book is sure to stay in the minds of readers for a long time, just based off of the uniqueness of the protagonists alone. Gone [are] the shy, insecure female and the romantic male, two dominant figures who curse like sailors and like their sex fast and rough. The author also does a great job delving into the dynamics of adoption.”
—RT Book Reviews on Change of Heart
“Unbreak My Heart is a heartbreaking, heartwarming, heart-twisting love affair that proves love stands the test of time.”
—Heidi McLaughlin, New York Times bestselling author
“Nicole Jacquelyn has penned an emotionally provocative story…I was hooked from page one as this amazing author put me through the wringer. It was a tumultuous ride that left this reader satisfied and craving more.”
—NightOwlReviews.com on Unbreak My Heart
“Unbreak My Heart is a completely engaging, sweet, devastating, heartbreaking, and angst-filled story that captivated me from the beginning. Nicole Jacquelyn takes you on a rollercoaster ride of emotional ups and downs as a family has to find their way forward after a loss.”