CHAPTER XXII
ADVENTURE AT HEART'S DESIRE
_The Strange Story of the King of Gee-Whiz, and his Unusual Experiencein Foreign Parts_
In the absence of McKinney with the sheriff's posse, Curly became, byvirtue of seniority, acting foreman on the Carrizoso ranch. Grievingover the edict which held him home from sheriffing, and disconsolatenow that Ellsworth and Constance had departed, he sought an outlet forhis feelings. "I'll show folks what a real cow foreman is like," heasserted, and forthwith began plans which, in his opinion, had been toolong deferred by the more conservative McKinney.
The wagons of the Carrizoso cow outfit came into town one morning, witha requisition for all the loose .44-caliber ammunition that could bebought, begged, or commandeered under the plea of urgent necessity.Whiteman burrowed through his stock from top to bottom, but still thenew foreman growled at the insufficiency.
"There's more'n five thousand sheep in that bunch that has just crossedthe Nogales," said he, "and we've got to kill 'em, every one. Do yousuppose my men is goin' to take to clubs, like Digger Injuns?"
Whiteman could only shrug. There had always been ammunition in Heart'sDesire sufficient for all benevolent and social purposes. No one hadsuspected sheep. The Carrizoso plateau had been sacred ground, and itwas unsupposable that it could ever be desecrated by the tramplinghoofs and scissor noses of these woolly abominations. Grumbling, Curlyrode away with his wagons, surrounded by a group of be-Winchestered cowpunchers, not unlike that which had accompanied Stillson out at theother end of the town.
It was two days before they returned. When they did so, two of the menwere not in their saddles, but at the bottom of a wagon. Beside them,bucked up and bound, lay a strange and long-haired figure, at which thenew foreman occasionally looked back with a gaze of mingled curiosityand respect.
It appeared that Carrizoso cow honor had been maintained. The fivethousand sheep had been rounded up in a box canon, and scrupulouslykilled to the last item, while two herders went flying westward infright such as might have warranted euchre upon their stiffly extendedcoat-tails.
Willie, the half-wit, one of the sheep outfit, had readily taken theoath of allegiance; beyond that, however, there had been a hitch in theproceedings. The man causing this hitch--the long-haired figure at thebottom of the wagon--had been presumptuous enough to make a standagainst the lords of the earth! The men of Heart's Desire, confidentthat the new foreman understood his business, asked few questions asthey gathered about the wagon and gazed at the silent captive.
He was a singular-looking man, tall, lean, sinewy, with a high, thinnose and a square chin which seemed not in keeping with his calling.His left nostril was indented by a scar which ran across his cheek, andone ear was notched well-nigh as deeply as that of a calf at a springbranding.
"This feller," said Uncle Jim Brothers, "looks like he come fromArkansaw."
"Maybe _so_," answered Curly. "Anyhow, he shot up two of the boys andkilled a horse for us before we got at him. We was out ofammunition--I told you we didn't have enough. After we killed thewoollies, and run off them two herders, we rid up the canon. There washim, a-settin' in the door of his ole Kentucky home, with a Winchesterthat'd go off--which it stands to reason couldn't have happened if hewas a real sheepherder. I can't figure that out." Curly scratched hishead dubiously, and looked again at his prisoner.
"He ain't saying a vort alretty," said Whiteman.
"He's happy enough without. He was livin' like a lord there, in hisshack--four hundred paper-back novels, a keg of whiskey and a tin cup,and some kind of 'hop' that we brung along, and which was the onlything he hollered over."
The prisoner sat up in the wagon. "If you'd be so good as to give methe packet you've in your pocket," said he to Curly, "I'd be awfullyobliged to you, old fellow, I would indeed." Curly drew a paperpackage from his pocket and passed it to the speaker, who opened itwith eager fingers.
"Thanks, my good man," he remarked, "thank you awfully." They led himinto the deserted Lone Star for further deliberations.
"That's the snuff he's been takin'," Curly explained aside. "I know.It's 'hop.' Sheep, 'hop,' and whiskey! With that for a life and themfor a steady diet, I don't believe our friend here'd last more'n aboutthirty years more." He turned to the captive, who by this time wasleaning back against the wall in his chair, the central figure ofpresent affairs, but apparently quite unconcerned.
"How you feelin' now?" Curly asked.
"Much better," replied the prisoner. "Thank you awfully. I wasbeginning to feel deucedly seedy, you know."
"I'd like to know," inquired Curly, bluntly, "what in merry-hell you'redoing down in here, anyhow. Where'd you come from? Where've you been?"
A half-humorous smile came to the face of the captive. "You seem notto know a Sandhurst man, gentlemen, when you see one," said he.
"I said he was from Arkansaw," remarked Uncle Jim.
"No foolin' now, young feller," said Curly, frowning. "You may havemore trouble than you're lookin' for. What's your name?"
"I really forget my first name," replied the prisoner, blandly, but notdiscourteously. "Of late I have been customarily addressed as the Kingof Gee-Whiz."
"Well, King," suggested the acting foreman, grimly, "you'd better turnloose and tell us your story, about as soon as you know how."
"Very gladly," responded the other, "very gladly. You seem a goodsort, and you fought fair. I'll tell you the absolute truth.
"I came from England originally, and not from Arkansaw, as my friendsupposes, although I don't know where Arkansaw is, I'm sure. I waslong in the British Army, or Navy, I cawn't remember which. I'm quitesure it was one or the other, possibly both."
"I wouldn't kid too much, friend," said Curly, warningly.
"I beg pardon?"
"Drop the foolishness!"
"You misunderstand me, I'm sure," said the King of Gee-Whiz. "At thattime it was quite customary, indeed very fashionable, for younggentlemen to belong both to the Army and the Navy. Now, I rememberwith perfect distinctness that I shipped before the mast on herMajesty's submarine, the _Equator_."
Uncle Jim drew a long breath. "A submarine ain't _got_ no mast," saidhe. "It crawls, on the bottom of the ocean."
"Don't mind him, friend," interrupted Curly. "He come from theshort-grass country of Kansas, and he don't know a submarine from amuley cow. Go on, King."
"As I was saying," continued the latter, somewhat annoyed, "I shippedbefore the mast on her Majesty's submarine, the _Equator_, CaptainHarry Oglethorpe commanding,--a great friend of mine, and a very braveand clever fellow. I knew him well before I got so deucedly down on myluck. But what was I saying?"
"About submarines--"
"Ah, yes, I remember; we left Portsmouth Harbor the 12th of August,1357. It seemed a gruelling hard thing to us to sail just on theopening of the shooting season, but the wuzzies were troubling a bit.
"One day, as Sir Harry and I were sitting on deck before the mast,having a cigarette--"
"At the bottom of the sea--on deck!" gasped Uncle Jim Brothers.
"Pray don't interrupt me, or I'll never get on," chided the King ofGee-Whiz, politely. "We were smoking, as I said, awfter dinner. I wasremarking to Sir Harry that we were having a very good voyage over,when, as he turned to reply, an orderly rode up to us and saluted."
"Rode--rode--rode up!" murmured Curly. "How could he?"
"Let him alone," said Uncle Jim. "Didn't he say he couldn't rememberwhether he was in the Army or the Navy? The horse goes."
"The orderly saluted," resumed the King of Gee-Whiz, "and said he, 'Ibeg pardon, but the officer of the day presents his compliments, andbegs to report that the ship's a-fire, and upon the point of exploding.'
"Sir Harry looked at his watch. 'Thanks,' said he. 'Present mycompliments to the officer of the day, and ask how long it will bebefore the explosion occurs.'
"'I beg pardon,' replied the orderly, 'but the officer of t
he daypresents his compliments, and begs to say that the explosion will occurin about three minutes.'
"'Very well,' said Sir Harry, 'you may go.'--'That will give us time tofinish our cigarettes,' said he to me. The orderly saluted and rodeaway. We never saw him again.
"The officer of the day was a very accurate man, very accurate indeed.In three minutes to the dot the explosion did occur. We never knewwhat caused it. No doubt the Admiralty Board determined that, but wewere not present at the session.
"The explosion was most violent, and no doubt the submarine was quitedestroyed by it. Sir Harry and I were blown to an extraordinarydistance from the spot. I remember saying to him, as we reached thesurface and started upward, that it seemed quite too bad that we'd nothad time to get together our personal kit for the journey.
"It's no use my mentioning how long we travelled thus, for I'm not inthe least clear about it myself. All I can say is that in course oftime we descended, and that we found ourselves on solid ground, on theisland of Gee-Whiz. That, you will understand, was an uncharted andhitherto undiscovered land, lying near the 400th parallel west ofLondon and somewhere below Sumatra--several weeks' march from Calcutta,I should say. We'd never seen the place nor heard of it, but werejolly well pleased to alight upon it, under the circumstances. Of therest of the ship's company we never heard.
"It was a baddish fix, I must say, for to be marooned on a desertisland is serious; and it's still more serious to lose one's ship inthe British Army. Presently, however, we composed ourselves. 'I say,'said Sir Harry, 'this is a great go, isn't it? Here I am with noluggage whatever except one bar of soap!'
"Presently I saw approaching a band of natives, headed by a largeperson, who was apparently their leader or king."
"Then that was the real King of Gee-Whiz?" asked Doc Tomlinson.
"At that time, but not permanently, as I shall presently show you."
"I explained the situation to the King, who turned out to be a verygood sort. 'God bless my soul!' said he. 'My dear sir, there's notthe slightest occasion for uneasiness, there really isn't, indeed.'
"You may fawncy the situation! As it was, Sir Harry and I were obligedto make the best of it. We concluded to remain and to take possessionof the region in the name of her Britennic Majesty."
"That's the most natural part of your story!" affirmed Uncle Jim, withconviction.
"Thank you. But I must tell you of the complications which now arose.You will see that all these people were sun-worshippers, or somethingof the sort, and they'd a beastly unpleasant habit, you know, ofoffering up a sacrifice now and again to appease the spirits, or thelike. We learned they'd a valley of gold hidden away somewhere back inthe island, and from this the King got all his gold, though even underthese circumstances not so much as he wanted at all times. He'd thetrouble of most royal families.
"The ruler of this golden valley was some sort of a princess, and shewas downright niggardly with her money, as some of these heiresses are,you know. She'd promise the King to bring him an apronful of gold ifhe'd give her a sacrifice to offer up, but he had no way of providingan offering. No one had come for years in the line of a sacrifice,excepting ourselves. You can imagine the awkwardness this created.The King wanted to sacrifice us, one or both, directly. The princess,who by the by was a regular ripper in her way, was quite gone on SirHarry, and he on her as well. At this point my own personal fortuneswere much involved, as you may understand.
"Sir Harry explained that while he wished to be quite the gentlemanabout it, and accord me every courtesy, he'd be obliged if I'd be thesacrifice, and leave him to represent her Majesty in the new territory.We talked it over a bit, but came to no conclusion about the matter.It was at this time that one of the most remarkable portions of ourexperience occurred.
"One morning Sir Harry and I were standing in front of our residence,in our part of the island, talking over matters. Sir Harry was takinga bawth in a wash-hand basin--"
"What's that?" asked Uncle Jim.
"I reckon he means a wash-pan," explained Billy Hudgens.
"At least, Sir Harry was making a deuce of a row with the soap, andhe'd the wash-hand basin quite full of bubbles. Just then the King ofGee-Whiz came by, and chawnced to notice the bubbles. You should haveseen his expression!
"You must remember he'd never seen a bit of soap in all his life; andno one who has been without it--like the King and myself--can tell whatthat means. He was deucedly infatuated with the bubbles. In short, hevalued them at once far more than all the gold in the valley; and hewound up by telling us flat, that so long as we could make bubbles forhim, there would be no sacrifice. He commanded us to appear before himevery day and make these bubbles--Sir Harry showed him how to do itwith his pipe--every morning and awfternoon.
"Awfter he'd gone, Sir Harry and I looked at each other. 'It's deathor bubbles,' said he to me. I pointed out to him that it was eitherdeath or no bawth. He was much shocked. Evidently the thing could notgo on, for our soap was already very near exhausted. Sir Harry was asad dog. Said he to me, 'While there is soap there is life,' meaningto say, you see, that while there was life there was hope. Ha, ha!"
"Leave that out," admonished Curly. "Go on."
"About now there went ashore on the island the private yacht of agentleman whom we found to be Sir Isaac Morgenstern. He was a retiredsoap-maker, of wealth and station, and was on a voyage to Samoa withhis daughter, his household servants, and the like. He'd with him, aschaplain, a missionary, William Cook, a person of very fat habit ofbody.
"When the boat went ashore, Sir Isaac, his daughter, Lady Sophie, hermaid, a Miss Eckerstrom, Mr. Cook, and one or two others were saved,together with certain of their effects--an auto car or so, a piano, aharp, some books, pictures, and a number of other items which made ourlife much pleasanter. We all settled down together in a bit of colony,and we got on well enough.
"The King by this time was becoming most unpleasant again about hissacrifice. Sir Harry was a sad dog. 'Sacrifice Morgenstern,'suggested he, 'he's used to sacrifice.' You see, in the retailbusiness--"
"Never mind dot," said Whiteman. "Tell vot happenet!"
"A great many things happened. For one thing, the death of Sir Isaac."
"How come that?" asked Billy Hudgens.
"One day Sir Harry met Sir Isaac in the woods, and they'd a bit oftalk. Without thinking much about it, Sir Harry explained that he wascalled on to blow soap bubbles for the King, and that he was in greatneed of soap, which at that time was worth far more than gold."
"Unt Morgenstern a retiret soap-mager" exclaimed Whiteman,involuntarily.
"Now that was shore hard luck for _him_," added Uncle Jim.
"You may quite believe so," said the teller of the story, gently. "Andthe saddest part of it, he'd nearly solved our problem before he leftus. At once Sir Harry began talking of soap, Sir Isaac began wonderinghow he could make soap. Ere long he thought of Mr. Cook, themissionary. 'Soap making is simple,' said he, 'if one has fat and abit of alkali.' The water there was most alkaline, I may add. 'Nowthere is Mr. Cook?'
"'You cawn't have the missionary,' interrupted Sir Harry, 'until afterhe has married me and the princess. Then I don't mind.'
"I've every reason to believe that Mr. Cook was made over into soap.But for once Sir Isaac was wrong. He oversold the market, and that washis mistake. As soon as the King of Gee-Whiz found that there wasabundance of soap he lost his fawncy for bubbles. The shock of thislost opportunity prostrated Sir Isaac, and he presently passed away.We mourned him for a time, but presently other events occurred whichdeadened the loss.
"You will understand that the King of Gee-Whiz was a deucedly goodsort. He'd take a nip now and again, of course. The only thing he hadto drink was palm wine, which he got by chopping a notch in a tree andcatching the juice in a cup."
"That sounds like wood alcohol," said Billy Hudgens, in a professionaltone of voice. "It ain't safe."
"Quite right. It
wasn't safe. The palm wine itself caused the King tocut a pretty caper now and then; but awfter his mistake, he was farworse--far, far worse. He never got over that, never."
"What happened to him?"
"A most extraordinary thing. I never knew of anything like it in allthe world.
"You see, there were two trees which grew close together near the royalpalace. One of these was his Majesty's private drinking tree. Theother, as it chawnced, was a rubber tree."
Curly deliberately removed his hat and placed it on his knee, wiping,as he did so, a brow dotted thick with moisture. No one broke thesilence.
"You will easily understand," resumed the speaker, "that when the Kingof Gee-Whiz had chopped into the rubber tree with his little gold axe,drinking awfterwards a cupful of pure caoutchouc, it did not take himlong to repent of his inadvertence. The results were what I may callmost extraordinary. I should judge the rubber juice to have been ofvery high proof indeed.
"To be brief, I give you my word of honor, the King was turned into anabsolutely elastic person on the spot! When he stamped his foot hebounded into the air. 'He's a regular bounder, anyway,' said SirHarry, who would always have his joke. 'And,' said he to me, as Iremember distinctly, 'if his conscience becomes elastic, we're gone,the same as Cook and Morgenstern.' Sir Harry was a great wit.
"Now, the more furious the King became, the more helpless he became aswell. He simply bounced up and down and around and about. Reigningmonarch, too--lack of dignity--all that sort of thing--must have beenmost annoying to him. We could do nothing to calm him. In all mytravels, I have never seen such a state of affairs; I haven't, really."
"Nor me neither," said Billy Hudgens, sighing, "and I've kept bar fromButte to El Paso."
"Then what happened?" demanded Curly.
"Everything that could happen," said the other, bitterly. "Lady Sophieand her maid, Sir Harry and the princess--the entire household suite ofthe King of Gee-Whiz--were mad enough to taste also of the juice ofthis rubber tree. It had the same effect upon them! I say to you,positively and truthfully, that then and there the island of Gee-Whizwas inhabited by the maddest population ever known in any possession ofher Britannic Majesty."
"Reckon they was a pretty lively bunch to hold," suggested Curly; "butwhat happened next?"
"I am not quite clear as to all that transpired awfter that. I knowthat I was the only sane man left on the island."
"Then," remarked Curly, with conviction, taking a huge chew off hisplug, "then that must shore have been one hell of a island!"
But the narrator went on unmoved: "I reproved the others, and theyresented it. There was a great battle with the natives one day, ofwhich I remember but little. I seem to have been left insensible onthe field. When I recovered, I saw dawncing off across the sea thefigures of all these different persons except Sir Harry--who, ofcourse, was with me in the battle. Sir Harry was still with me, quitesober at lawst, and quite dead, I do not know from what cause. I wasleft alone.
"It was thus, gentlemen, that I acquired, by right, as I think, mytitle which I assumed--awfter acting for a time as Viceroy for herBritannic Majesty--as the King of Gee-Whiz. For a while I lived therealone. Awfterwards, in some way, which I do not quite call to mind atpresent, I appear to have been discovered. It was shortly awfter thatI received my decoration--I beg your pardon." He flushed a dull red."It was nothing, of course," said he. "As to saving Sir Harry, it wasonly what any other fellow would have done in the Army or the Navy--Idon't remember which.
"So, gentlemen, I've told you my story as a gentleman should. I'vebeen deucedly down on my luck ever since then, and I cawn't tell you,really I cawn't, how I happened to be here and in this business as youfound me. There's many a younger son, in the Army or the Navy, whoknocks about and gets a bit to the bad. I hope you'll not lay it upagainst me, I do indeed!" His head dropped forward on his chest. "Iwas stone broke," he whispered, "and I'd not a friend on earth."
"And so you drifted here," said Curly. "Well, it's about the rightplace. Heart's Desire's wide open."
"It wasn't so bad," resumed the stranger, wearily, passing his handacross his forehead; "it wasn't so bad down here for a time. I didn'tmind it, being alone, that sort of thing, for you see I was alone onthe island for so long. But the trouble was that I was followed allthe time--have been for more than a year now--by that cursed King--thatdamned fiend that I thought I'd left long ago! I'd go out into thesunshine, and there he'd be, walking, and bounding, and jumping along,anyway I'd look! He'd follow me like a--look! look! there he is now.See!"
He raised a trembling finger and pointed to a spot in front of the opendoor. A black shadow was cast upon the floor by the strong sunlightwhich shone upon the figure of a leaning spectator.
"Look!" cried the King of Gee-Whiz. "He's there! He's there!" Heslipped and sank to the floor, rolling over into an utterinsensibility. Curly put on his hat and stood looking down at him.
"Sand, sunshine, and sheep herdin'," said he, "will do up any man intime. I'd 'a' made a good cow puncher out of this fellow, too, if I'dgot him in time. By Golly! I'll do it anyhow. I'll have Mac get hima horse and saddle and put him to work. Any feller that kin shoot andlie as good as him has got the makin' of a good cow puncher in him."
They turned over the King of Gee-Whiz gently, that he might rest moreeasily, where he lay. His coat and waistcoat fell open. Underneaththem, upon the left side of his chest, appeared a small, dull-coloredcross of metal.
"For Valor"; Curly read the inscription with difficulty. "I knowed it;I knowed he'd been a cow puncher sometime, and just went wrong."
"Great Scott!" exclaimed Uncle Jim Brothers, "that's the VictoriaCross! This here's a V. C. man!"
"I don't know that brand. It ain't registered for this range," saidCurly.
"Well," said Billy Hudgens, philosophically gazing at the sleeper, "Ireckon 'D. T.' would be easier to understand, all things considered."
"If he ever comes to," said Curly, as he cast away through the opendoor the contents of the pockets of the King of Gee-Whiz, "we'll try toget him through the D. T. stage as well as the V. C., whatever that is,and I reckon he's good for a job on the Carrizoso range. This countrycan't afford to be too damned particular about a feller's past."