***
“Hello.” I continued to chop the coriander, cradling the phone against my shoulder. “Yes… it is she. How may I help you?”
The knife clattered to the ground as the news I had just been given knocked the air from my lungs.
“No. No… it can’t be. There must be some mistake…” There had been no mistake. I listened in silence as the person on the other end continued to feed me details in a clinically efficient voice, convincing me that no mistake had been made.
I dropped the phone into my bag, grabbed my coat and rushed out the door. As I made my way to the emergency room in slow-moving traffic, I found myself offering silent prayers to a God I had forsaken months ago. Lord, I know that we’ve not spoken in a while. I would not blame you if you never listened to another one of my prayers, but please God… please…please… just this one… please…
The emergency room was a bustle of confusion. Sirens wailing, medical personnel moving about purposefully to intercept gurneys being wheeled in… I had to jump out of the way and stand up against a wall as they whirled past me in frenetic urgency. My stomach churned as the smell of fresh blood wafted through my senses. I tried to shut my eyes to keep my mind from absorbing images of blood-soaked bodies and gory limbs, but found myself unable to look away.
“High school rugby team. Their bus went over the Mason Bridge.”
I had been so transfixed by the scene before me that I hadn’t noticed the tall young man standing beside me until he spoke. All I could do was nod at him, my mind racing toward finding a doctor or nurse I could speak to. As soon as the last of the gurneys had been wheeled past, I pushed away from the wall and went in pursuit of someone I could speak to about finding Josh. Anyone.
“You look lost. You need help, Miss?” He touched my arm, halting me a split second before I would’ve crashed into a trolley being wheeled toward the trauma unit.
“I… I need to find my… my…” The words were there inside my head, but somehow they couldn’t find their way to being voiced. “Please… don’t think me rude; I just…” I bit down onto my trembling lip and blinked back tears as I scanned the emergency reception area for a nurse.
“Miss, let me help you. Who are we trying to find?” The touch of genuine concern in his voice somehow managed to soothe my raging emotions.
“Josh. I need to find Josh.” The strong scent of pine disinfectant made me feel queasy as the cleaners swooped in to mop up the fresh blood that had spilt at the entranceway.
“Okay. That’s a start. Does Josh have a last name?” He patted my shoulder lightly the way one would soothe a fussy baby, steering me quietly toward a chair as he spoke.
“Holloway. Joshua Holloway.”
“And Josh is your?”
I looked up at the young man, noticing for the first time what kind eyes he had, my gaze drifting to the bag slung over his shoulder, the bag with ‘Angels of Mercy General’ printed on the side. “You work here?” I grabbed his hand and held on tight, hoping that my desperation could be read in my pleading eyes.
“Yes, Miss. I’m Nathan. I was just going off duty, but first we need to find your Josh.”
“He’s my husband… Josh is my husband. Please find him.”
He pried his hand from my grip and patted my hand before making his way toward the reception desk. My heart raced as I watched him scan the computer, silently willing him to move faster.
His expression as he made his way back toward me was hard to read; even the smile he flashed as he sat down beside me was weak. “Mrs. Holloway, I found him. He is still in the trauma unit, so I don’t think you will be allowed to see him yet, but let me go in there and check on him for you.” He gave my hand a light squeeze. “You just wait here. Okay?”
A deep sense of trepidation filled me watching more people in white coats rush toward the automatic doors as a fresh set of sirens started wailing their way closer. My heart went out to the battered souls being wheeled in, as well as to their families. I felt for them, but it angered me that they had to be there at that moment. Why did their accident have to happen on the day my Josh got hurt? Who was taking care of him while every available medical body was rushing to help the injured passengers? Had he been fobbed off onto junior staff while the proficient medical personnel tended to the mangled teenagers? I felt ashamed for my selfish thoughts, but there was nothing I could do to keep them from flooding my brain. The longer I sat there waiting for the young man to return, the angrier I became at the unfairness of it all, so I eventually got up and started pacing the hallway.
“Mrs. Holloway?”
I turned to face a solemn-faced man in a white coat. “Yes. Yes, I’m Mrs. Holloway.”
“I’m Doctor Scott. I’m the one attending to your husband.”
I nodded numbly.
“Mrs. Holloway, I’m not going to try to sugar coat this, because time is of the essence. Your husband has suffered extensive internal damage. There is a bullet lodged close to his spinal column that may cause irreversible damage if it somehow gets dislodged before we can get to it.” He paused and held a clipboard in front of me. “We need you to si-”
“My husband is hurt and alone and you want me to fill in paperwork? Are you fucking insane?” The sound of my shrill, half-demented voice drew stares from everyone around us. “I want to see him. Now!”
The doctor sighed, his face no less sombre as he turned to the man standing behind him. They exchanged a look and the young man nodded. “Doctor White will bring you to your husband once you are done here.” He handed the clipboard to the young man, the dismissal in his tone clear.
“Here, let me help you with this.” Nathan smiled apologetically.
“Okay, I will sign your damn papers. I will sign anything, just please…”
“I know, you need to see him. And I am trying to help you do that.” He waved the pages at me. “These could save your husband’s life. He isn’t a patient here and it would take hours to get his files from his doctor, so allow me to help you help him.”
I nodded. I knew that he was right. With the young doctor’s help I breezed through filling in the forms on Josh’s personal details, medical history and insurance, and I signed consent for his operation to be done. Nathan dropped the papers off with the nurse on duty and ushered me through the throng of reporters who had gathered to scoop out a story on the recent bus crash.
The emergency waiting room was filled to capacity with pacing parents and friends of the injured. I recognised two of Josh’s colleagues among the sea of worried faces, one of them wearing a blood-splattered white shirt, his expression grave as he nodded at me in acknowledgement.
The trauma unit was abuzz with activity, people rushing around to help the dozens of seriously injured patients in the room. My steps slackened as I took it all in, moving along in slow motion. Most of the screens were drawn, but the few that were left open left no doubt in my mind about the severity of the accident. Nathan pulled aside a curtain at the end of the room and motioned to me to step inside.
My heart shattered into a million pieces when I first saw him, skin deathly pale, tinged a sickly grey. His breathing was shallow and there were tubes coming from his slack mouth, another one trickling a clear liquid into his left arm, and one disappeared under the light blanket that covered his lower body, which looked like it was pumping blood into a plastic bag hung on the side of the bed.
Nathan patted my arm lightly. “I will leave you alone for a few minutes. A theatre will be available soon, then he will be wheeled upstairs.”
All the sounds of the emergency unit faded around me, the acrid mingled odour of blood and disinfectant going unnoticed. Everything around us that was unpleasant disappeared the moment I touched Josh’s cold hand, instantly transporting me back to happier times, the fresh briny scent of the ocean, the cool damp sand beneath my feet, and the warmth of the sun on my face as his lips touched mine for the first time. He was the only man I wanted to spend my life with. I couldn’t lose hi
m. Not this way.
I sat in silence and held his hand until Nathan came to get me. “Come, I will show you to the post-op waiting room.” I didn’t want to leave Josh, not for one second, but I knew I had to stop being petulant and allow the doctors to fix him. “He will be wheeled past the waiting room once they bring him up, so you will see him before they take him inside. Right now they need you to…”
“I know. I know.” I leant in to touch my lips to his; there was no warmth, and I could hardly feel his breath. “I love you, Josh. I will be right here when you wake up.”