Was he trying to get rid of me? Had he deemed me unworthy? How had I failed to convince him of my sincerity? I almost panicked. I could feel tears welling up but I blinked them back and bit down hard on my lower lip. If Joseph was my only chance of being reunited with Xavier, I couldn’t afford to blow it. I straightened my shoulders and lifted my chin.
“I don’t need to think about it. I need you to help me now.”
“I’m sorry—I don’t help people who make rash decisions.”
That got me riled. How he could pass judgments about someone he’d just met? I didn’t care how finely tuned his instincts were, he knew nothing about Xavier and me.
“Don’t help me then!” I said, spinning on my heels and starting to walk away. I couldn’t remember a time where I’d felt more alone. Even in my darkest hours in Hades I’d had allies to guide me. “I’ll take care of it myself. I’ll take care of everything on my own!”
My outburst seemed to change something in Joseph.
“There will be terrible pain.” His words stopped me in my tracks. “Unimaginable pain that the likes of us have no concept of.”
I turned slowly to face him and this time didn’t flinch from his grim, humorless stare. His manner was so blunt and businesslike.
“I’m prepared for that.”
He looked intrigued by my blind determination. “And you have no questions?”
“Just one. Will it work?”
“What happens to you afterward is beyond my control.”
“But this is my best shot?”
“Yes.”
“And there are angels living as humans right now?”
“Only those who survived the transition.” His directness was disconcerting. I almost wished he’d sugarcoat the truth. “If it doesn’t work, it won’t be pretty. The physical trauma alone can be fatal. If you don’t transform you’ll end up a mangled mess.”
“Define mess.”
“You’ll be on earth but in a sort of paralytic state, not much use to anyone.”
That was scarier than any punishment I could imagine. To be on earth and living only as a burden to those I loved … there couldn’t be anything worse.
“Do you still want to proceed?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“Let’s get this show on the road.”
“Prepare yourself,” Joseph said. “We’ll return to collect you.”
“Where are we going?”
“The furthermost regions of Heaven where we will not be disturbed.”
“You’re trying to breach the gap between Heaven and earth. How can that go unnoticed?”
“We are very good at what we do,” Joseph replied.
“I can’t believe I didn’t know about you sooner.”
“You thought power struggles were confined to humans? Who do you think taught them about power in the first place?”
“I never considered that.”
“We are working to close the gulf between Heaven and earth. You’ve heard of the Promised Land? We want to expand the Kingdom—let souls and angels mingle freely. Darkness will be exterminated. Whether you live to see that day or not, you have been chosen to play a part. Make your part count.”
32
Torment
JOSEPH and his entourage departed moments later, promising they’d find me when the time was right. They didn’t give any indication of exactly how much longer that would be. Emily was still beside me, although I was almost completely oblivious to her presence. She reminded me by clearing her throat. I glanced at her, trying to work out the most polite way of getting rid of her. I needed time alone to mentally prepare for what lay ahead. Emily seemed to read my mind.
“Is this my cue?” she asked.
I smiled sheepishly, not wanting to seem ungrateful for her help so far. “I’m sorry. I think I just need to be by myself.”
“That’s okay.” She twisted her mouth in a half-smile. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Just keep Xavier safe until I get back.”
“I’ll do my best,” Emily said.
“Thanks. And thanks for helping me out. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“It was good to finally meet you,” she conceded. “You’re not as bad as I thought you’d be.” Emily paused and held my gaze. “Do me one favor once you get home?”
I liked the way she just assumed I’d make it back in one piece. Her confidence made me feel stronger.
“Sure.”
“Can you tell Xavier I’m okay?” I blinked in surprise as Emily continued. “All this time he’s been blaming himself for what happened to me. I just want to put his mind at rest.”
I nodded mutely. In that moment Xavier’s past and his future seemed to merge together. Emily’s death didn’t mean she’d stopped loving him. It occurred to me that if things went according to plan, one day we’d all be reunited.
Emily gave me an awkward hug then turned to go. We both froze at the sound of heels clicking on marble. The passageway formed in the air before either of us could even think about running away.
When Eve appeared, she gave Emily a sidelong glance then brushed past her as if she was too insignificant to merit attention. Eve moved so decisively she seemed almost mechanical. Today she was wearing white pumps, a sage pantsuit, and pearl earrings. Her wispy blond hair was arranged so perfectly I wanted to reach out and mess it up.
She stood before us with her feet slightly apart and her arms folded while her pebble eyes bored suspiciously into mine. Her stance reminded me of a prison warden, which she pretty much was.
“Would you like to tell me what you’ve been up to today? Hmmm?” Her tone sounded like a teacher who regretted the removal of corporal punishment.
“Nothing in particular,” I said. “I thought you’d be happy to see me out and about.”
Eve colored slightly, the way she always did when anyone dared to criticize her. “You are in a very fragile state,” she said. “And I happen to be responsible for you.”
My mouth twitched as I fought to swallow back the snide remark on the tip of my tongue. Emily flashed me a warning look.
“Don’t blame, Beth, ma’am,” she piped up. “It was my fault.”
Eve swiveled her neck to look at her, thawing a little at Emily’s respectful tone. She automatically liked anybody who sucked up to her.
“Emily, isn’t it?” she purred. “Perhaps you might tell me what’s going on.”
“There’s not much to tell.” Emily was the picture of innocence. “We went to see Zach. He and Beth are old friends.”
Eve’s expression turned sour. “Why, may I ask?”
“I thought he might be able to help,” Emily replied. “Y’know, remind Beth of how things used to be.”
I had to hand it to her—she was good at thinking on her feet. Eve looked slightly appeased. I knew deep down she couldn’t wait for me to “recover” so I would be off her hands. And my crazy act wasn’t making her look good in the eyes of her superiors.
“Well, that was very considerate,” she said briskly. “But you should have checked with me first.”
“I’m sorry.” Emily hung her head, looking like a lost puppy. “I didn’t realize.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Eve said in a softer tone. “Just see that it doesn’t happen again.”
She turned her attention to me, her black currant eyes alight with interest. “So … how did it go?”
I saw Emily frown at me from behind Eve’s back, a signal for me to swallow my pride and play along.
“It was good to see Zach again,” I said grudgingly. “I think it helped. He made me remember how rewarding being a mentor can be.”
“Good!” Eve exclaimed.
“Would it be okay if we visited him from time to time?” Emily asked, folding her hands and widening her eyes so it was almost impossible to say no.
“Well…” Eve began. “It’s rather unorthodox, but I suppose it can’t do any harm.”
&n
bsp; “Thank you, ma’am.” Emily gave her a grateful smile, but Eve wasn’t quite finished yet.
“So, Bethany … you say you can picture yourself back at work?”
“I think so,” I replied through gritted teeth. I seriously disliked Eve, she was such a big, bustling busybody and I’d never met anybody more fake. She only wanted me to get better for the sake of her own reputation. But I was playing my own game here and I knew it would only work if I pretended to warm to her. “That’s the goal,” I continued, trying to mirror Emily’s politeness. “I want to get well and I miss my old life.”
It was a huge lie, but Eve didn’t pick up on it. “And that so-called husband of yours?” she went on. “The one you think you can’t live without?”
I felt myself literally bristle with anger. How dare she bring up Xavier? She had no right to talk about him. Besides, I could lie about most things but lying about him? It didn’t feel right. But I reminded myself I was doing this for him. If I needed to lie, cheat, and steal my way back to earth, I would.
I couldn’t quite look Eve in the eye so I stared at the ground as I spoke. “He’s just a human.”
“Oh, really?” Eve raised an eyebrow.
Had I gone too far? I decided to backtrack. “Well, I’ll always love him,” I said uncomfortably. “But I see now it was wrong for us to be together. I need to leave him alone to get on with his life and I need to get on with mine.”
There was silence while Eve scrutinized my face. Then a scornful laugh rang out. At first I looked around to see who else had joined us. Eve’s lip curled revealing her pearl white teeth as she began a slow measured clap.
“You two must think I was born yesterday.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nice try, but the game’s up.” She pointed a finger at Emily and threw her an appraising glance. “This one’s quite the little actress. I don’t know what kind of scheme you’re cooking up, but it ends now. You won’t get away with it.”
“We’re not cooking up anything,” I replied angrily. “You’re imagining things.”
Eve laughed. “All right, Bethany, whatever you say,” she hissed. “But from now on, you’ll be under round-the-clock supervision. I’m locking you up—nobody comes in and nobody gets out, do you understand?” Her professional demeanor was gone. There was a hard edge to her face now that reflected her true character. “I’ve tried,” she went on. “God knows I’ve tried. But there are better things I could be doing than monitoring a juvenile angel in rehab. Quite frankly, I couldn’t care less. You want to stew in your own misery? Go right ahead. I’ll check in on you in a few years to see if you’ve changed your mind.”
“What?” I cried. “You can’t lock me up indefinitely!”
“Who says I can’t?” Eve spat. “You know what happens to stubborn little angels who fail to kick their earth addiction?” Her eyes were wide with excitement, which made her look even scarier than usual. “They end up on the celestial scrap heap. We lock them up until they fade into nothing but cosmic dust and no one can even remember their names. But don’t worry, you have a few centuries before that happens to you.”
“Why are you telling me this now?” I shouted.
“I was saving the best for last,” Eve smiled. “When I leave here, I’ll be filing my report recommending isolation due to mental instability.”
“That’s a lie!” Panic started shooting through me like lightning bolts. Was it possible that after everything, my plan was about to crumble in a heap?
Eve fumbled for a device in her pocket. I knew what that meant. She was going to call for reinforcements. Once her guards arrived, it would all be over. I would never get away from them and I’d be beyond Joseph’s help. I took a few steps forward, determined to change her mind although I didn’t know how. But before I could figure it out, Emily sprang from behind me, tackling Eve to the ground. Eve screamed and tried to wrestle her off. I jumped back, taken completely off guard. Eve was heavy and solid but she was no fighter, especially pitted against a nimble and skilled sixteen-year-old. In no time, Emily had her pinned facedown, her knees pressed into Eve’s back.
“How did a skinny sewer rat like you even make it up here?” Eve panted.
“That’s not your call,” Emily replied tartly. Eve grimaced, rage contorting her usual placid features. With one shoe kicked off and her hair sticking up at odd angles she looked more pathetic than dangerous. But her voice when she spoke through clenched teeth had lost none of its iciness. “I don’t think you realize the trouble you’ve just walked into. Let me go now and I won’t have you thrown into the pit.”
Emily ignored her. “Get out of here, Beth!” she cried. “What are you waiting for?”
“But…” I hesitated. “Will you be okay?”
“Don’t worry—I can take care of myself.”
“You insolent, worthless child!” Eve screeched. “You’re going to regret this. Once I’m done with you…” She eventually decided to stop talking and start channeling her angelic power. Already parts of her body were glowing like a lamp. She might have been caught by surprise by the attack but the power balance was about to tip in her favor. I had only a tiny window of opportunity before everything changed. I didn’t wait to see more.
“Thank you, Emily,” I mouthed.
“You can call me Em,” she replied, out of breath. “All my friends do.”
I opened my wings and let myself shoot upward into the wide expanse of Heaven. My wings purred with energy, like a car engine roaring to life. All the muscles in my body stretched and flexed, but I couldn’t enjoy the sensation. I was painfully aware this might be the last time I would be airborne. Flying in Heaven was very different from flying on earth. There was no atmosphere to combat, so it was more buoyant, effortless, like I was a balloon rising higher and higher with no destination in mind. I only hoped someone would alert Joseph to what had happened. It was us against them now.
A thick swirling fog now enveloped me. I couldn’t see more than a few inches ahead but I flew on blindly. Suddenly I became aware of two angels flying beside me, and I was relieved to see they were the two angels who’d accompanied Joseph. They each took one of my hands and guided me in the right direction.
We flew for what seemed like hours. No one spoke or showed any sign of slowing down. Just when I thought I was too exhausted to go any farther, the fog cleared enough for me to see a stairway appear before us. The steps were transparent, as if light had become solid just to help us out. There was no railing and each step we climbed dissolved behind us. I held on fast to the hands of the angels beside me.
When we reached the top, I saw we were standing in the middle of a glass amphitheater that was suspended in the void of space. I could no longer see the winding white paths of Heaven below me. The structure emanated a strange energy that seemed to leech the fear out of me. It had an air of beauty and grandeur and I couldn’t help wondering what it’s purpose was. Did the other angels know about this place? It felt clandestine, as if it was a hidden treasure that only a select few could find.
I felt a rush of wind and turned to see a figure galloping silently toward us. The horse was black with a braided mane and his bridle and saddle both shimmered like silver. His hooves made no sound as they hit the floor. The rider slid off and strode purposefully to where we stood. Joseph was dressed differently from when I’d first met him. Now he had a somewhat regal air about him with his flowing cloak and sandaled feet. The bejeweled hilt of a sword was visible tucked in his belt. It made his presence even more imposing.
“Kneel down where you are,” Joseph instructed. “We don’t have much time.”
I complied without a second thought. I knelt and covered my face with both hands. The scent of falling rain and droplets of dew on the grass wafted by. It was the smell of my wings. I said good-bye to them in my heart and spoke aloud the thought that was uppermost in my mind.
“Father, forgive me.”
I needed to make my peace with Him. I loved Him
so much and yet I was giving up an eternal life in His Kingdom. I had been disobedient and I had failed in the task He had set for me. Or had I? One thing I knew for certain was that my Father knew each one of us deeply and personally, like He knew each man and woman on earth. He knew our fates before He created us, so perhaps the hard road I had struggled along, and all the obstacles and trials … Perhaps they had been meant to lead me here. I trusted Him infinitely and deep in my heart I knew He wouldn’t hurt me. In that moment, instead of God’s wrath, like I had been expecting, I felt nothing but mercy and love surround me. It was a moment of pure clarity. I would not be rejected for what I was about to do. My Father would not disown me. Despite all my obstinacy, I had not turned my back on Him. I still loved Him with all my heart and wanted to serve Him. How could I have even made it this far if it wasn’t His will?
Suddenly I no longer felt like Heaven’s misfit but one of God’s children, just like everybody else.
“It helps if you keep your eyes closed.” I heard the angel’s rich voice behind me. “Do not expect to feel pain. There’s no pain in Heaven. That will come later.”
I let out an audible sigh of relief. At least Xavier would be there to help me through it just as he always was. I had to believe I would make it back to him. I just prayed I wouldn’t be a burden, changed beyond recognition.
I shivered when Joseph tenderly lifted and repositioned my long hair so it fell over one shoulder, leaving my wings exposed and pulsating softly after the long flight. He placed his hand on top of my head reverently and bowed his own. At his touch a vision lit by moonlight appeared in the midst of the empty tiered seats. In it I saw Xavier. He was wearing a flannel shirt I recognized as well as scuffed boots with mud on the soles. His face looked different but I couldn’t work out why. He seemed older, his chin shadowed by stubble and an absent look in his turquoise eyes. His vitality had been erased by grief. He just looked tired and completely defeated. His face was still full of beauty, but it was a weathered beauty instead of the boyish charm I remembered. His face reflected the man he was destined to become … the man he already was. How much time had passed? A year, maybe more. In Heaven, time did not exist as it did on earth. I had no way of telling. He was still wearing his wedding ring.