“Everything’s fine.”
God! Seriously?
“It isn’t,” I pressed.
“It is.”
Was he in denial?
I stared at him.
Then I tried something else.
“You spend a lot of time away and you don’t tell me who you’re with or what you’re doing. That isn’t right.”
His arms convulsed around me, his eyes got hard and my stomach clutched.
“Don’t go there,” he warned on a low growl.
Oh man. Not this again.
“Go where?” I asked.
“There,” was his one word answer.
“Sam! Seriously?”
He knifed up, shifting me so my ass was to the couch, he got up and moved away.
Yes. It was this again.
And I would not stand for it.
I shot to my feet. “Don’t walk away from me!” I snapped.
He turned back and clipped, “I told you you got me, you got me. Do not question it. Trust it.”
“Okay,” I returned. “And you know you’ve got me. So would you be okay if I took off to do shit you didn’t know what I was doing and meet people you didn’t know who they were?”
“Fuck no,” he replied.
I threw out a hand. “See!”
“You’re a woman who’s, due to no fault of her own, found herself in a fair amount of trouble. I worry about you so, no, I would not be okay with that. I can take care of myself. If a situation arose, you could not. That said, I trust you and you gotta trust me.”
“For how long?” I asked immediately and his brows shot together.
“What?”
“For how long, Sam, how long do you get to do what you want and be where you are and expect me to trust you before you trust me?”
“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked on a growl.
“It means, you not sharing tells me you don’t trust me.”
“That’s bullshit,” he bit off.
“So now you’re telling me how I should feel? Because that’s what it feels like, Sam, you keep stuff from me, you keep you,” I jerked a finger at him, “locked away from me. You don’t tell me what you’re doing or who you’re doing it with. That’s how it feels. Like you don’t trust me.”
“I told you, Kia, you have me and not five fuckin’ seconds ago I told you to trust that. If this gig is you tellin’ me you don’t trust that then you don’t trust me. So fuckin’ trust it.”
I shook my head. “You’re lying to yourself and you’re lying to me if you believe that. If you expect that to be okay. If you expect that from me. You can’t take it all, Sam, and give me only what you want me to have. You cannot have all of me and only give me part of you. That isn’t fair.”
His torso swung back and he crossed his arms on his chest. “So you’re sayin’ I’m lyin’ and you don’t have me.”
“Absolutely,” I shot back. “If you can stand there and tell me that the last three weeks I’ve ‘had you’,” I lifted my hands and did air quotation marks before dropping them again, “then you are absolutely lying. Something is happening. Something is wrong. And you are shutting me out.”
He clamped his mouth shut and a muscle jumped in his cheek.
I waited.
Sam didn’t speak.
God! At that very moment he was shutting me out.
I fought back tears.
Sam still didn’t speak.
So I did and when I did, I changed the subject.
“Tell me about Gordo,” I demanded, his head jerked, it was almost imperceptible but I saw it.
Then Sam spoke.
“Talk about Gordo enough with Luci, not talkin’ about him with you.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t want to know about how Luci is processing his loss. I want to know how you are.”
“Processed it awhile ago, sweetheart. Don’t need to do that shit again.”
He was calling me sweetheart.
Damn.
“You didn’t,” I said softly.
“Got enough of Gordo buyin’ it up in my face, Kia, I do not need more. He bought it. He bought it awhile ago. It’s done. Can we please, for fuck’s sake, let it be done?”
“It isn’t done,” I returned.
“It’s done.”
“Then what was that, that night when you woke me up and made love to me?” I asked. “What was that Sam? That was far from done.”
Sam again shut his mouth and I saw his jaw clench.
He was shutting me out. And looking into his hard features and guarded eyes, I knew I was not getting in.
And that didn’t hurt. That killed.
I held his eyes and whispered, “Right.” Then I moved toward the kitchen, saying, “I’m taking Memphis for a walk.”
“Not alone,” he said to my back.
I stopped and turned to him. “What?”
“Aziz and Deaver have been released. You’re good. But at night, I do not want you walkin’ the beach alone with a King Charles spaniel. Memphis loves you but someone meant you harm, she couldn’t do shit. So at night, you’re not walkin’ the beach alone.”
“I’ll be fine,” I told him.
“Yeah, you will, seein’ as you’re not walkin’ the beach at night alone.”
I stared at him, teeth clenched, tears close. I had to get away from him and I had to do it now.
“Okay,” I said quietly. “Then I’m going to the guest bedroom and I’m spending the night there.” His jaw clenched again, his eyes flashed and I hurried on, “And do not do anything macho to piss me off, Sam. I need space and I need to be alone and you’re going to give that to me.”
Then before he could say another word or the look on his face could make me go back on what I said, I turned and ran up the stairs.
I spent the night in the guest bedroom and Sam didn’t do anything macho to piss me off. I slept alone. That was, I slept alone for the first time in ages after crying a lot and thinking a lot and neither of them did one fucking thing to help me.
The next morning, eyes still puffy, face blotchy, hair a mess, I struggled downstairs to coffee at a time when I was certain Sam would be gone.
He wasn’t.
He was in his workout clothes, leaning with hips against the counter, coffee mug in his hand.
His eyes came to me immediately and I knew at a glance he’d figured me out. Then again, the puffy eyes and blotchy face and the fact that I probably didn’t stifle all my sobs in the pillow the night before gave it away.
His face got soft, his eyes got warm and intense and his mouth said gently, “Bed’s not right, you not in it.”
“You’ve slept a lot in that bed without me, Sam, and from what you yourself told me you’ve slept with a lot of people in that bed who are not me so I’m not certain I believe you.”
His face lost its softness, his eyes their warmth but the intensity didn’t shift from me when he whispered, “Not cool, baby.”
“Maybe not cool but it’s true.”
“Do not make this dirty,” he warned.
“Right then, last night, you totally missed how much this means to me because I’m willing to play it dirty in hopes of getting something, anything, from you.”
“You have everything from me,” he returned quietly.
“That’s another lie.”
He held my eyes. Then he kept talking quietly. “Right, Kia, honey, then I’ll say you’ve got everything I’ve got to give.”
“That’s not enough, Sam. I love you and when you love someone, you want all of them. I’ve given you all of me. I’m here. I’m laid bare. Hell, I laid myself bare within days of knowing you. My family is arriving tomorrow, bringing my stuff. I’m living with you, restarting my life, here, with you. Now I want all of you.”
“Baby, I’m sayin’ you gotta take what I can give.”
“And honey, I’m saying I want all of you.”
And at that he was done. I knew this when he pushed away from t
he counter, twisted, put his mug down then walked toward the stairs to the garage but stopped and turned to me.
“I’m goin’ to workout. While I’m gone, Kia, baby, you gotta decide if it’s all or nothing. You know where I stand. Your decision.”
Then he was gone.
That’s right. Without another word or allowing me one, he was gone.
After I heard the growl of his truck fade, the hum of his gate closing stop, I started crying again.
I managed to shower, dress and leave a note and I took Memphis for a walk on beach. I didn’t know if he got back in an hour and a half or three that was how long I was gone.
Because that was how long it took to make my heartbreaking decision.
When I got back, Sam was dealing with the furniture people who were delivering the sofa. They were pretty psyched and not hiding it that they got to deliver a sofa to Sampson Cooper.
When Memphis and I showed up, Sam turned his back on them, took one look at me, closed his eyes and turned his head slightly to the side.
But I didn’t miss the pain that slashed through his features.
Seeing he’d figured me out, seeing his reaction to it, my decision took a direct hit.
Then his eyes opened, locked on me and they were burning intense, so much, it felt like they burned the air out of my lungs. He walked right up to me, nabbed me by the back of the head, pulled me in and up and laid a hot, wet, heavy one on me.
My decision already on shaky ground, I instantly changed my mind.
Sam lifted his head, his eyes scanned my face and he figured that out too.
Then his eyes closed, his fingers convulsed at the back of my head and he dropped his forehead to mine.
Damn, that was sweet.
Yep, I changed my mind.
He opened his eyes, touched his mouth to mine again then claimed me with an arm around my shoulders, turning back to the furniture guys who had the couch on the curve toward the stairs and were grinning at us.
“Hope you take no offense, Coop,” the mischievous one said, “but your woman is seriously hot.”
I sighed.
Sam muttered, “This is not something I’ve missed.”
The men burst out laughing.
I drew in a long breath, held it then released it, relaxing into Sam’s side.
Memphis bounced around the living room, yapping and trailing her leash.
I got Sam back that day. Gone were the long runs, workouts and mysterious buddies and errands. This could have had to do with our drama. Or it could have been my family arriving the next day.
But for me and for them, that week, Sam was Sam. Dad got to toss a ball with Sam on the beach and I was right, he loved it. He was beaming through it and he beamed for days after. Hap came down and I got my wish of Hap, Luci, Kyle, Gitte, Sam and I playing three on three football and I was right, it was wicked fun. Sam cooked for them and what he made was delicious. We drank a lot. We ate a lot. We laughed a lot. They got to know Luci, they hilariously met the hard as nails Skip and they got to spend a little time with Hap who could only come down for the day and then had to go back.
They brought my stuff which was piled up in the garage, the U-Haul returned. Kyle and Gitte drove straight to Kingston, so did Dad and Mom. Kyle and Gitte only had one week off but Dad and Mom were taking two, driving back to Tennessee with Kyle and Gitte and spending another week there before Kyle and Gitte were going to drive them home.
It was a good time. It felt nice. That wasn’t to say that I didn’t catch Mom and Dad both giving me careful looks a couple of times but I powered through it.
Not to keep them in the dark.
No, I was biding my time, waiting for the right one.
And that time had come.
* * * * *
I finished brushing my teeth, sorted out my hair, tugged on some clothes and went downstairs. I could hear Kyle and Gitte packing in Sam’s office. Mom was at the stove pushing around some sausage patties in a skillet, Memphis at her heels, the smell in the air pure, doggie torture.
Dad was at the bar, drinking coffee.
“Hey, honey, Sam’s out running,” Mom told me.
“I know, Mom,” I replied and went to the cupboard where Sam kept his travel mugs. Then I asked the cupboard, “Dad, will you walk with Memphis and me on the beach?”
I took a mug down, glancing his way to see his eyes were on Mom. Then they came to me.
Then he said, “Sure, honey.”
“Do you want a travel mug of coffee?” I asked.
“I’m nuked up, darlin’. Drink more, we’ll be stoppin’ every fifteen minutes.”
I nodded and sent a small smile to Mom. She sent me one in return.
She knew what this was about. She was curious but she wasn’t upset at being left out. She knew Dad would explain things later.
No hard feelings. This was the way it was.
I was Daddy’s little girl.
I got my coffee, leashed up Memphis and we walked out to the deck then entered the boarded walk that led down to the beach. Then we hit the beach. Then Dad took my hand and did the hard part.
“Talk to me, Kiakee.”
They had to get on the road and I needed quality Dad Time which might turn into quantity Dad Time so I didn’t delay.
“When we were talking on the phone and I was first telling you about me and Sam you said something. I mean, what you said was true but the way you said it, I haven’t forgotten.”
“What’d I say, honey?” Dad asked.
“You said the word, ‘inseparable’.” I looked to the side to see him grinning at the beach. “Why are you smiling?”
His hand gave mine a squeeze and he answered, “’Cause, Kiakee, all your life, you reminded me of your mother. You look like her, you act like her. Hell, in a way, you dress like she did when she was young. But then you were with Cooter and you became someone else. I lost you and I lost those bits of you that remind me of your mother.”
That sucked. But it was also true.
“Okay,” I whispered.
He stopped us and turned to me. “When I met your Mom, I couldn’t get enough of her.”
I felt my breath stall.
He shook his head, a small smile on his mouth as he went on.
“She made me laugh, Christ, Kiakee, never laughed so hard in my life but married her and got myself a lifetime of laughin’ that hard.”
This was true as well. Mom and Dad laughed a lot. All my life.
But thinking about it, Dad laughed more. This was because Mom was seriously funny.
I pressed my lips together.
Dad kept talking.
“And she’s beautiful, still is, but back then…” he shook his head again but his eyes stayed glued to me. “Took my breath away. Sometimes, to this day, I’ll lay in bed just to wait for her to wake up. Then she wakes up and looks at me with her beautiful eyes and her wild hair and that pretty mouth ‘a hers and I still thank my lucky stars.”
Oh my God.
I’d heard that before (kind of).
“Dad,” I whispered, moving closer and his hand dropped mine so his arm could wind around me.
“When we were new, startin’ out, no time was enough time with my Essie. Things were different then,” he looked in the direction of the house then back at me, “but, honest to God, I didn’t know your granddaddy had a shotgun, I woulda scaled the wall of their house to get to her. I told my buddies the instant I saw her I was gonna marry that girl. And I sure as heck did. I made it so. I stopped at nothin’. And I got my Essie. I knew, lookin’ at the laughter in her eyes the first time mine fell on her, she’d make sure I never regretted it. And I’m standin’ here right now with you, over three decades later, and I never did.”
I loved that. That was beautiful. I loved that my Dad had that.
I dropped my head and pressed the top of it into Dad’s chest.
His arm went from around me so his hand could curl around the back of my neck.
; Then, in my hair, I heard him mutter, “Sam Cooper feels that way about you.”
I pulled in breath and lifted my head, Dad’s coming up too and I caught his eyes.
“I’m not sure,” I whispered.
“I am,” he stated firmly and I blinked.
“Dad, there are things you don’t know. He’s… we’ve… he’s holding something back from me.”
“What?” Dad asked and I shook my head.
“I don’t know. He won’t tell me.”
“You talk to him about it?”
I nodded. “Yeah, like, a gazillion times. I tried to play it cool. I tried to be patient. I tried to be gentle. I tried to be nosy and right before you guys got here, we fought about it.”
“What’s he say?”
“He doesn’t say anything except I have him.”
Dad’s head tipped slightly to the side and he said quietly, “Kiakee, from what I see, he’s not lyin’.”
I shook my head. “You don’t understand. It’s hard to explain but even Sam kind of admits that he’s holding something back. I told him I gave him all of me and I want all of him. He told me he’s given me what he has to give and if it’s all or nothing that’s my decision.”
“And you stayed,” Dad noted.
I shook my head again. “At first, that wasn’t my decision. My decision was to call you and tell you not to bring my stuff here and that I was coming home. Then he, well…” I paused, sighed and continued, “I got back, he figures me out, he knew that was my decision, he kissed me and I changed my mind.”
Dad burst out laughing.
I could see the humor but I still didn’t think anything was funny.
“Dad, I’m being serious. This is bothering me as in bothering me,” I said softly, Dad sobered and gave me his eyes.
Then both his hands came to my jaw and he dipped his face close to mine.
“All right, Kiakee, I hate to disappoint you but what Sam said holds true. That man’s got demons, plain to see. And if he’s the type of man who wants to keep ‘em locked inside, honey, there’s nothin’ you can do. So there’s not anyone who can make that decision but you. If it’s all or nothin’ for you then you gotta get out. If you can take what he can give then stay. And what I’m gonna say next is not gonna help you out a whole lot more.”
Great.
Dad kept speaking.
“The man I see with you is a man who is with you. That man loves you. He didn’t, we’d have words about you movin’ in outta wedlock and me and your Mom would be in a hotel rather than under the same roof with you and Sam sharin’ a bed.”