HEAVY METAL FAIRY TALES
A NEWCOMERS GUIDE
TO
THE WINDOW MAKER,
THE CODPIECE AND THE
SEX GODS FROM PLANET METAL
by
JERRY METAL
Illustrated
by Mike Bastin
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Additional Illustrations
by Philip Wills
BORING BUT NECESSARY BIT.
Book One info: The window maker, the Codpiece and the Sex Gods from Planet Metal - The First Heavy Metal Fairy-Tale. First published in Great Britain May 2005 by Jeremy D Stephens, 44 Salisbury Street, St George, Bristol BS5 8ED. First printed by Philtone Litho Limited, Bristol May 2005. Reprinted in 2009 (Jason ‘Quickfinger’ Morris memorial edition). Revised and published on the Kindle 1/5/11. Revised and expanded again for the Kindle 01/03/2012. Written by Jeremy D Stephens, writing under the name Jerry Metal. Story Copyright © Jeremy D Stephens 2005. Illustrations © Michael Bastin 2005. This work is registered with the UK Copyright Service 14/02/2005 Reg. No: 244172. Copyright revised 28/06/2012 Reg. No: 244172-001. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN 0-9549861-0-5
Book Two info: The window maker, the codpiece and the Sex gods from planet metal in ‘RETURN TO PLANET METAL’. First published in Great Britain 17/04/2007 by Jeremy D Stephens, 44 Salisbury Street, St George, Bristol BS5 8ED. Reprinted in 2009 (Jason ‘Quickfinger’ Morris memorial edition). Printed by Philtone Litho Limited, Bristol. Revised and published on the Kindle in 1/5/2011. Revised and expanded again for the Kindle in 1/4/2012. Written by Jeremy D Stephens, writing under the name Jerry Metal. Story Copyright © Jeremy D Stephens 2006. Illustrations © Michael Bastin 2006. This work is registered with the UK Copyright Service. Registration Number: 260790. Copyright revised 09/007/2012 Registration Number: 260790 - 001. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. Additional robot language speech typeset in Yokkmokk ISBN 0-9549861-1-3 Reproduction of lyrics from Judas Priest song 'Metal Gods' by kind permission of G. Tipton, R. Halford and K. Downing - EMI Songs Ltd.
Book Three info: The window maker, the codpiece and the Sex gods from planet metal in‘THE GLASS EYE THAT WASN’T’. First published on the Kindle 17/04/2011 by Jeremy D Stephens, 44 Salisbury Street, St George, Bristol BS5 8ED. Revised and expanded again for the Kindle on 1/4/2012. Expanded again and printed on 5/5/2012 for the Totterdown Art Trail-Friday 16th to Sunday 18th of November 2012. Written by Jeremy D Stephens, writing under the name Jerry Metal. Typeset in Greymantle MVB, ITC Garamond BT & Beyond Wonderland & Egret Light Flourish. Story Copyright © Jeremy D Stephens 2011. Illustrations © Michael Bastin 2011. This work is registered with the UK Copyright Service 28/06/2012. Reg. No: 284657762. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN 978-0-9549861-2-4
Book Four Part One info: The window maker, the Codpiece and the Sex Gods from Planet Metal in 'THE ROBOTIC BADGER OF DOOM' Part One. First published on the Kindle 17/04/2011 by Jeremy D Stephens, 44 Salisbury Street, St George, Bristol BS5 8ED. Written by Jeremy D Stephens, writing under the name Jerry Metal. Story Copyright © Jeremy D Stephens 2011. This work is registered with the UK Copyright Service. Reg. No: pending. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN 978-0-9549861-3-1
Book Four Part Two info: The Window Maker, the Codpiece and the Sex Gods from Planet Metal in 'THE ROBOTIC BADGER OF DOOM' Part Two. First published on the Kindle 17/04/2011 by Jeremy D Stephens, 44 Salisbury Street, St George, Bristol BS5 8ED. Written by Jeremy D Stephens, writing under the name Jerry Metal. Story Copyright © Jeremy D Stephens 2011. This work is registered with the UK Copyright Service. Reg. No: pending. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN 978-0-9549861-4-8
All characters appearing in these works are fictitious apart from the following: Nestor is based on Ian Reason, Adrian Musculus is based on Mouse, Sir David of Rivett is based on David Rivett, Squeeker son of Squeeker is based on Ian ‘Squeeker Smith’, Anthony Strongbeard is based on Antony Piercey, and Jason Quickfinger is based on the late Jason Morris (R.I.P.). All other characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to any other real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
WELCOME
Welcome to my world of Heavy Metal Fairy Tales. Here you will find metaltastic tales of adventure featuring Nestor the window maker and his enchanted flying codpiece. But what is a codpiece? I hear you cry! Well before we continue here is a brief description courtesy of Wikipedi:
THE CODPIECE
The Codpiece is a covering flap or pouch that attaches to the front of the crotch of men’s trousers and usually accentuates the genital area. It was an important item of European in the 15th and 16th centuries, and is still worn in the modern era in performance costumes for rock music and metal musicians and in the leather subculture. Rather than accentuating the male genitalia through exaggeration of the size of the wearer’s endowment, attention is drawn through decorative adornment such as metallic studs. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
BOOK ONE
SO NOW WE HAVE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY LET US GET ON WITH TALKING ABOUT MY BOOKS!
The first book ‘The window maker, the Codpiece and the Sex Gods from Planet Metal - The First Heavy Metal Fairy-Tale’ was originally written as a heavy metal musical (I had envisioned something like a heavy metal version of Rocky Horror) but my fellow band mates at the time felt it was unworkable without a lot of financial backing, so I decided to bring it out as a book instead -a 'Heavy Metal' themed short story written in the style of a Grims’ Fairy-Tale. In hindsight, books a much easier to lug around than heavy amps and drum kits so it has all worked out very well!
SO WHAT IS THE PLOT OF BOOK ONE?
Well, Nestor the window maker has had his enchanted codpiece is stolen by an evil wizard who now threatens the downfall of the whole kingdom. A chance meeting with some Heavy Metal warriors the 'Sex Gods from Planet Metal' sets them on an adventure to retrieve his codpiece, battling monstrous vegetables along the way.
THE CHARACTERS
WHO ARE THE ‘SEX GODS FROM PLANET METAL'? WELL LET ME INTRODUCE THEM!
Firstly we have Sir David of Rivett, the leader whose strength beyond strength was etched into his skin by mystical druids and who wields a mighty sonic sword. He loves nothing more than a thigh slapping quest and his thirst for adventure is as great as his thirst for ale. When the time comes for action he rallies the troops with a power stance and his lusty cry of 'METAL IS LIFE, LIFE IS METAL!'
Next comes Anthony Strongbeard, who loves battle as much as he loves food. His weapons of choice are his Quad String Thunder Axe and the Single Bladed Blunder Bass, and when he is not protecting Planet Metal with his voluminous stomach, he is relaxing in his passion girdle with his favourite concubine Tazmina and a plate of fruitcake.
Next comes Jason Quickfinger 'Riff Master Prime' whose enchanted lute and sonic crossbow open mystical portals between the worlds, and he provides the musical firepower for the group. When he is not riffing he is indulging in his love of six-string combat and dressing in the very finest tailoring, which include his handsome extending stack boots which a kept well polished by his faithful manservant Fender. During times of adventure he can be heard to utter the words 'By my fretboard!”
Finally comes the Drum Lord Supreme Squeeker, son of Squeeker - the rhythm section who Drums of Doom and Mallets of Mayhem turn stones to dust and cause mountains to wail and gnash their teeth. When he is not teaching the finer points of percussive warfare on Planet Metal
he is standing shoulder to shoulder with his metal comrades and can often be heard to utter the words 'Sweet Blunder!” at times of ordeal.
SO THOSE ARE THE HEROES, WHAT ABOUT THE VILLAINS?
Well firstly we have the evil Wizard who kick starts the first adventure by stealing Nestor’s magical codpiece (We learn about his origin later when it is revealed in Book Four the ‘Robotic Badger of Doom’) The Wizard is aided by some of his Monstrous Vegetables, which he conjures from his vegetable patch during the epic battle outside his home in the Freaky Forest. The Monstrous Vegetables also make a second appearance in Book Three as well when Nestor returns to the Freaky Forest on another adventure.
BOOK TWO
That is pretty much it for the villains for Book One, but there are plenty more to choose from! In Book Two ‘RETURN TO PLANET METAL’, we see Nestor and the gang back in their second metaltastic adventure as they grapple with the evil Baron Cripplecock!
The Plot: All is not well in Planet Metal; the Queen has been overthrown by an evil baron and his army of mechanical soldiers. So it is up to the Sex Gods from Planet Metal to save the day, with the help of Nestor and his trusty flying codpiece!
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"Jason Quickfinger, Royal Dwarfs, the Queen of Planet Metal and the Codpiece of Power? I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE MOVIE!" J.Petagno - Motorhead cover artist
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“Where else will you find a man wearing a magical codpiece destroying evil robots by throwing turnips at them?” Rockunited.com throwing turnips at them?” Rockunited.com
BOOK THREE
The villains continue in Book Three ‘THE GLASS THAT WASN’T’ in which Nestor encounters some Heavy Metal pirates!
The Plot: From the pen of Jerry Metal comes his third Heavy Metal Fairy Tale turning the series into a metaltasic trilogy of adventure! Following on from Book 2 'The glass eye that wasn't' comes another tale of Nestor the Window maker and his enchanted flying codpiece!
When his wife's glass turns out to be a dragons egg, Nestor takes on the responsibility of returning it to its rightful owner, but the task is far from easy...His quest takes him across town on a journey featuring some heavy metal pirates (PikScrape, TrussRodd, StringSlip and HeadStokk), dragons, a strange oriental man and even MORE monstrous vegetables! Not to mention an appearance from his heavy metal pals 'The Sex Gods from Planet Metal'
BOOK FOUR
And then we come to Book Four ‘THE ROBOTIC BADGER OF DOOM’ So epic it had to be split into two parts!
The Part One Plot: Remember the Wizard from the first Heavy Metal Fairy Tale? Well he's back again, STILL trying to steal Nestor's Codpiece of Power! Not only has he created a mechanical monstrosity to help him (The Robotic Badger of Doom!), but he's stolen Sir David's 'strength beyond strength' to power it too!
Featuring such chapters as 'The Guitar Case of Peril', 'In the Harness of Horror' and 'Terror in the Town Square' you know you are going to be in for another action packed adventure straight from the pen of Jerry Metal! Will the Wizard defeat Nestor the window maker? Or will 'Sex Gods from Planet Metal' save the day? Buy part one NOW and find out!
The Part Two Plot: The thrilling conclusion to part one of 'The Robotic Badger of Doom’
Will the evil Wizard's dastardly plan succeed?
Or will true metal buffoonery save the day?
Will Nestor have to give up his enchanted codpiece? And will Sir David of Rivett ever regain his magical tattooed strength?
Find out now as Nestor and the 'Sex Gods from Planet Metal' battle for Truth, Justice and Heavy Metal in the second part of the fourth book. SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE (PROBABLY).
BOOK FIVE
Then we come to my latest creation, ‘The Curse of the BeerWolf! Part One!” The tale of a wolf, bitten by a landlord and cursed to walk the earth as a man between the hours of dawn and closing time!
Can Nestor and the Sex Gods from Planet Metal solve the creature’s beastly dilemma and rid him of this monstrous curse? Inspired by the ‘Beerwolf’ entry in the Viz swearing dictionary ‘The Profanasaurus’ (Mentioned by Sir David in part one of Book Four - “Have I been bewitched by a BeerWolf?” he muttered, squinting at the early morning sun) and also inspired by ‘The Wolf Man’ staring Lon Chaney Jnr by Universal Pictures. Also check out my homage to the Wolf Mans curse!
“A good chuckle and perfect escapism from the often all-too serious world of rock!”
Alan Burridge Motorheadbanger
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“Should bring a smile to even the most world weary metalhead’s beard!”
Hard Roxx Ezine
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An uplifting comic fantasy in which a furtive self-pleasurer is thwarted by the awesome power of True Metal buffoonery.
Robin Askew Venue Magazine
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Possibly the finest use of ITC Garamond Condensed ever seen! (Print version of book 1)
Joe Graham www.type.co.uk
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“Crazy books! Please send us some of what you’ve been smoking Jerry!!!”
The Jay Crawford Rock Show
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Had wanted to get the books for a while – It's not every day that you find a metal story!"
Diana Staros, Customer, Oakland