But not with you. I knew this was a one-time thing. Axel wouldn’t want to wait around for me to get out of my shitty situation. No man would. It didn’t matter how much I wanted him or how flattered I was that he wanted me. Wanting wasn’t enough to make it work.
“We’re here now, though,” I reminded both of us. “You have to make hay while the sun shines.”
He gave me a slow kiss. “I didn’t say we had to stop. But we’ll save fucking for another time. There’s no rush.”
My body disagreed. Even though I’d had an explosive orgasm a few minutes before, my dick perked right up again when Axel rolled on top of me. His kisses were slow and smoldering, and his gorgeous dick lined up beside mine. Every bump and scrape made me hotter.
“Mmm,” he sighed into my mouth. He rolled his hips, and it was delicious. “I could come like this,” he whispered between kisses.
“Do it,” I groaned. “Shoot on me.”
He thrust against me, shuddering. “Where?” he breathed.
Reaching around him, I palmed his ass and squeezed. “Everywhere. Come all over me.” I’d never said something so dirty in my life. But it was shockingly easy to say exactly what you wanted when you trusted someone so completely.
Panting, he sat up, his ass on my thighs. He wrapped a hand around his cock, but I knocked it away. With a firm grip, I jacked him. He dropped his chin to watch me, his six-pack heaving, his sculpted arms tensed into fists. With a slow, insistent rhythm, I pumped my hand along his cock. After a minute he made a guttural noise, and then I felt the first splash of come on my stomach. The sight of Axel climaxing was so beautiful. I could have watched him forever, but he dropped forward into the mess on my chest and kissed me. “Fuck. I’m dizzy.”
I put my arms around him before I could think better of the idea. “Is this okay?”
“What?” he mumbled, his face in my neck.
“Never hooked up with a guy before. Don’t know what to do afterward.”
He nuzzled my jaw. “Cuddling and a shower. Then you’re supposed to give me a thirty minute back massage…”
I pinched Axel’s ass and he laughed. His laughter turned into kisses on my neck, and I’d never felt so much joy.
My eyes stung from happiness, and I was grateful to the darkness for hiding the fact that I was such a sap.
* * *
There was cuddling and a shower. We washed each other’s hair, and it was almost more intimate than getting a blowjob. The lights were on, which meant that I was staring into Axel’s brown eyes as I shampooed him.
We both got all boned up again, of course. So Axel poured another dollop of shampoo into his hand and jacked us together while we kissed. I came with his tongue in my mouth and my hands on his ass, and he followed immediately. We were still breathing hard when I put my lips beside his ear. “Love watching you come.”
His hand gripped my waist. “Back at you, hon.”
When we got out of the shower, my body felt impossibly warm and sated. I chased drops of water off my skin with a towel, then stumbled into my underwear.
Axel brushed his teeth and climbed into bed before I did. When I emerged from the bathroom, I didn’t know what to do. I walked slowly around the room, into the space between the two beds. I wanted to climb in with Axel, but I didn’t know what he expected of me. Setting my watch on the nightstand, I was still puzzling over it when Axel flipped the covers aside, making room for me.
I didn’t need to be asked twice. I climbed in beside him, but apparently that wasn’t good enough, because he tugged me halfway onto his chest. I settled onto his pillow, my face in the crook of his neck. He smelled like hotel soap and pure man.
“Been waiting a long time for this, too,” he murmured.
“Mmm.” I didn’t know what to say. This would be the first time in my life I’d ever slept with a lover. (Amy and I had shared a bed on vacation, but it was well after our ridiculously brief sexual relationship. It in no way counted.)
The fact that I was in Axel’s arms? It was an unexpected gift. I was determined to appreciate it, even if I knew I only got one night.
“You know…” He hesitated.
“What?”
“This should seem…unfamiliar. We haven’t seen each other for years. We’ve never done this. But it’s…nice. Familiar. Not weird.” He sighed. “Am I crazy?”
I shook my head, too overcome to speak much. “You’re still you.” It might be the dumbest sentence I’d ever uttered. But that’s exactly how I felt. The Axel I’d always wanted was the same one who lay here with me. My memory of him hadn’t lied to me.
“You’re still you, too,” he whispered. Then he kissed me on the top of the head and it made me ridiculously happy.
Chapter Twelve
Axel
I woke up pressed up against Cax, his hard dick poking me in the ass. A little morning sex would have been fun, but the hotel clock showed that it was already eight o’clock. The team bus was leaving at eight-thirty, and I had to be on it.
Sliding out of bed, I was careful not to wake him. He looked so peaceful—his sandy hair against the pillow, his face serene.
Tiptoeing into the bathroom, I considered asking him for a ride back to Henning. But then I’d have to explain to the team that I’d caught a ride, which would sound odd. And I knew I’d already pushed Cax with this stolen getaway. He wouldn’t really want anyone to see him dropping me off in town. I didn’t want to ask that of him.
After I got dressed and brushed my teeth, I found Cax stirring in the bed.
“You can sleep,” I said. “But my bus is leaving soon.”
He raised his head. “How will you get there?”
“I think I’ll walk. It’s just a few blocks.”
He slid his legs over the side of the bed. “I’ll drop you.”
* * *
There wasn’t any time for awkwardness. We jumped into our clothes, packed, and then shoved our bags into his car.
In the parking lot of the team’s hotel, Cax picked a spot that was well away from the waiting bus. As he put the car into park, we saw athletes in Barmuth jackets emerging from the front door.
“Thanks for the lift,” I said, trying for casual.
He sighed. “Thanks for everything.” His hazel eyes flickered to mine and then away again. “I had a great time.”
I slid a hand onto his leg. “So did I. If you have any ideas about how we can do it again, I’m all ears. The next away game is two weeks from now in Providence.”
“Which night?” he asked softly.
“The tenth.”
Cax leaned back, his head bumping the headrest. “That’s the night of Scotty’s holiday concert.”
“So…you have to go to that?”
He turned his head. “I’m the only one who shows up at these things. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but…”
I held up a hand. “I get it. It’s part of the bigger picture.”
“For four years I let him twist so I could get away from my father’s bullshit. But my brothers can’t escape yet. So I’m there to make it better. I’m trying to show my face as often as I can, so if something goes bad at home they know exactly who to call.”
He was a bigger man than I was. “They’re so lucky to have you. I hope you know that.”
Cax squeezed my hand. “God, Axel. You’re killing me. I hate saying no to you when I really want to say yes.”
I wrapped my fingers around his. Don’t be sad. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but this time I didn’t say them. I didn’t have the power to fix the things in his life that were broken. No matter how much I wanted to.
“I know it’s a drag,” he said with a sigh. “Thank you for changing my life for a single night.”
“Anytime.” I meant that literally. “I really want to kiss you right now,” I said honestly.
He eyed the activity near the bus. “That’s a bad idea.”
I don’t think so. “I’ll see you at the gym, maybe?
”
“Sure.”
There was no more to say, so I got out of the car and boarded the bus.
* * *
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: My bball team is playing the engineering school tomorrow night. Should I be afraid?
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: You’re kidding, right? They play in black socks. Just watch out for their glasses.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: You have a game too?
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: Not tomorrow. Our next one is Tuesday, vs. the medical school. They are surprisingly good. It’s all that ambition and ego.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: Thanks for the heads up. My game against the engineers is at six. Beers at Bruisers after?
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: Can’t. Got too much work to do after blowing off the weekend.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: Mmm… blowing. So good.
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: And now I’m hard in the library.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: Not my problem. Unless you want it to be. Later!
Chapter Thirteen
Cax
“Hey!” Jason squeezed my shoulder at the library the next afternoon. “Can I buy you a beer after you’re finished here? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Um… I’m good for strictly one beer. Then I have some more work to plow through.” If Axel had heard me say that, there would probably be a “plow” joke coming my way.
I really needed to stop thinking about Axel.
“Good enough,” Jason said, tapping my stack of books with his phone. “I’ll grab you at six?”
“Thanks.”
* * *
Bruisers was quiet tonight. Jason and I took seats at the bar and settled in over longnecks.
“The Celtics don’t look as bad this year as usual,” he said, toying with the paper coaster under his beer bottle. “If I buy this house I’m looking at in Merryline, I can probably see some games next year.”
“Merryline?” I said, perking up. The name of that town would probably cause me to have a spontaneous erection for the remainder of my natural life.
“Yeah, if I want to find any decent clients I need to be in a more wealthy area. I already found an office space. But I can’t commute ninety minutes to work every day.”
“So you’re buying a house?” I couldn’t imagine having enough money to do that. It was my dream.
“Yup. A fixer-upper. It’s probably too big for me. I’m going to rattle around in there.”
“You can install a giant TV for your Celtics.”
He laughed. “You don’t like the Celts?”
“Eh. The Bulls are my team.”
“You never told me how you came to root for Chicago.”
Because of Axel. “Because I grew up in Ohio, I guess. So it would have been the Bulls or the Cavs. We moved here when I was in high school.” My eyes did a sweep of the room, and it was then that I remembered I’d told Axel I couldn’t go out for a beer tonight. Sipping my Long Trail Ale, I tried not to feel like too big of an asshole.
I did have work to do tonight—that was absolutely true—but that wasn’t why I’d turned him down. I didn’t think I could sit across from him in public and act casual.
Even before we’d been naked together, I got hot just looking at him. But since our night together I’d turned into a raging hormone. I’d spent hours reliving every one of our moments together. The sounds he made when he came. The taste of his mouth and the feel of his shower-slicked skin under my hands.
I couldn’t sit across from him drinking a beer and talking about the NBA or what-the-fuck-ever. My eyes would wander onto his crotch, his lips, his hands… I might as well wear a T-shirt reading: Flaming and Infatuated.
But it was only 6:15. Axel would be playing the engineers for another hour, at least. By the time his evening of beer-drinking began, I’d be at home reading like I said I was going to do.
“So, there’s something I need to ask you,” Jason said.
“Shoot.”
“That guy Axel on the athletic department team—you know him?”
I felt a prickle of sweat on my back. Where was this coming from? “A little.” I took a gulp of my beer to hide my confusion.
“He’s gay, right?”
I actually choked on the beer. My face probably turned bright red as I coughed into the crook of my arm. I had no idea why he’d ask me this. Jason watched me, his face impassive, waiting for my answer. “Why do you ask?” I finally gritted out.
Jason’s eyes widened. “Because he’s cute and I want to ask him out. But I won’t do that if he’s straight…” He frowned at me. “Or if I’m stepping on your toes.”
My brain practically exploded. “What? No. You’re not…” Really? Jason? And what had he just implied about me?
“I’m not what?” Jason’s eyes narrowed. “Gay?”
Shit. He’d surprised me, and everything I was saying was coming out wrong. “Stepping on my toes,” I said, still trying not to cough. “That’s what I meant.”
His face softened. “Are you sure? I mean, you are gay, right?”
“Why would you think that?” Panic rose in my chest, and not just because Jason had somehow figured me out. It was starting to sink in that Jason wanted to date Axel. Jesus Christ. If they became a thing, I’d have to stand by and pretend I didn’t care.
Jason blinked at me. “Well, this conversation got awkward fast. I’m sorry, Cax. I shouldn’t have assumed…” He blew out a frustrated breath.
“It’s… Let’s just forget about it,” I said, still panicking. Still trying to cover my ass. “Actually, I have to go.” I took one more gulp of my beer and threw a ten down on the bar.
He squinted at me. “Already?”
“Got shit to do,” I said. I knew I was acting like a freak, but I had to get out of there. Yanking my coat off the back of the barstool, I headed for the door.
I made it as far as the parking lot before the evening got even worse. I was two steps out the door when a voice called out. “Dude!”
It was Boz from the athletic department. “The engineers forfeited!” he howled. “Those pussies. Couldn’t field a team.”
I looked past him and found Axel watching me with a frown on his face. “You’re leaving?” he asked.
“Got work to do,” I said. “Have fun.” It came out sounding bitter, even though Axel had done nothing wrong. But Jason would still be sitting at the bar, and I’d just giving him the all-clear to ask Axel out.
Fuck my life.
I stalked past them both and kept on walking.
Chapter Fourteen
Axel
I followed Boz into the bar, trying not to wear a kicked-puppy expression. My coworker kept yammering about the engineers and how lame it was that they were too busy with their calculators to find five guys to shoot some hoops. I didn’t respond. I was too busy wondering why Cax had time to drink a beer after work, but not with me.
His teammate Jason sat at the bar watching a sports highlight reel on the television. Beside him sat a half-empty bottle of beer that I’m pretty sure must have been Cax’s.
Cax liked the sex, but he won’t even be seen in public with you, a little voice in my head complained.
He was afraid—I understood that. But I wasn’t asking Cax to hold hands while we walked through the center of campus. I just thought we could have a beer together, like all the straight dudes in the bar.
“You eating?” Boz asked, waving at the bartender. “I feel a cheeseburger coming on.”
“Sure. Order two.” I hadn’t spent much money this week. I could afford a burger and fries.
“You got it.” He leaned over the bar, and the bartender started scribbling on his order pad.
Jason flashed me a smile. “Have a seat. This one was just vacated.”
“Yeah? Thanks.” I pointed at a third stool for Boz, but he held up a finger and wandered off to talk to someone else he knew.
I sat down beside Jason. “H
i again.”
“No game with the pocket-protector crew, huh? We play the med school next.”
“I heard they’re good.”
“Surprisingly good. All those ambitious guys who want to play God? They have sharp elbows on the court.”
“I’ll keep that in mind when we play them.”
“Can I buy you a drink?” Jason asked.
That woke me up. I turned to find him giving me a shy smile. “Um, thanks? Just, uh, a beer would be great.”
He waved to the bartender, and I wondered if the offer of a drink was just a friendly thing, or a precursor to a different kind of offer.
I tried on that idea while the bartended fetched my beer. At any other time in my life, a hookup with a sexy, slightly older guy would be a rare and precious offer. I studied Jason, thinking it over. He was really handsome. Wavy hair, blonder than Cax’s. Great bone structure. Gorgeous blue eyes. He was goddamned pretty, really.
And I didn’t feel a thing.
A beer bottle landed in front of me, and I took it. “Cheers,” I said, lifting my bottle to his.
“Cheers. And before Boz comes back, I have a question.” I looked into those baby blues and braced myself. “This isn’t easy, because I never do this. Like never.” He chuckled. “But can we have dinner sometime?”
My stomach dropped. He wasn’t just asking me to exchange blowjobs. He was cute and classy enough to offer a real date? Pinch me. And how often did a nice, available gay man ask me out?
Not often. Not often at all.
But he wasn’t Cax.
“I…” I heard myself stammering. “I would like to say yes. But it’s complicated.”
His smile dimmed by only a fraction. “I see.”
Pushing a hand through my hair, I tried to maintain eye contact. I wanted him to know that it wasn’t about him. “Can’t believe I’m saying this, because I’m never complicated. But there’s someone I’m kind of hung up on.”