“He didn’t do it.”
“Didn’t do what?” Mom rests a hand on her chest, her eyes wide in surprise. I bet she really did just forget who she was talking about. People mean nothing to her so this wouldn’t surprise me.
“Nick. He didn’t kill that girl.”
“How do you know?” Mom asks, her voice sharp. Even Dad is staring at me now, waiting for my answer.
I part my lips but no words come out. I can’t say it. The truth would freak them out.
I know because I spent the night with him, naked in his bed. He never left my side.
That so wouldn’t go over too well.
“I just…I know.”
“They talked a few times,” Evan adds, sending me another one of those looks. This one says shut the hell up before you make it worse and I decide to take his advice.
Clamping my lips shut, I fold my hands into my lap and keep my head down. I’m done. I have nothing else to say.
I’m ready to leave.
“We gotta go,” Evan the mind reader says after a few long minutes of silent, tense torture. The relieved look I send him doesn’t go unnoticed.
Mother’s face falls in disappointment as she looks from me to Evan. “So soon?”
“I have to be at work at five.” That’s not a lie. Evan found a job at a bar, cleaning tables and basically being the bartenders’ errand boy. Despite how awful it sounds, he likes his job and they pay him under the table, which he loves. He told me I need a job too to help with rent but…I have no idea who’d hire me. I have zero skills. Mom and Dad can provide us no money since their accounts are locked.
“But it’s only two-thirty,” Dad says. He sounds as disappointed as Mother but that doesn’t surprise me. They grab hold of this time together and cling to it like us being together again is going to make everything magically better.
Evan says nothing in answer. I don’t either and neither do my parents.
“Next Saturday then,” Mother says brightly, trying to cover up the uncomfortable silence that had just settled over the room. “Maybe you can stay longer. We’d love that you know. I understand you’re busy but…”
“Sure. We might be able to,” Evan says easily. Another lie. He’s so smooth. His lies never trip him up. I could take a lesson from him.
He stands and starts toward the door, practically shaking Mom off as she tries to grab at him.
“Is everything okay?” Dad reaches out and places his hand over mine on the table just as I try to stand, effectively trapping me. “Living with Evan, your schoolwork…it’s all going fine, right?”
I study him, see the concern etched all over his handsome face. Evan got his good looks from Dad. His attractive features are overshadowed by worry. Dark circles under his eyes, wrinkles in his face, his skin pale. He doesn’t look well.
Facing jail will do that to a person I suppose.
“Everything’s great,” I say, pleased with how easy the lie comes. It’s not so bad living with Evan, but school? That’s a joke. So stupid because I need to graduate and this is my last year. I shouldn’t make it so hard on myself.
But it’s like I can’t help it.
“Really?” he asks, his gaze dark. Intent. As if he’s waiting for me to slip up and confess all. Like I’d tell him anything.
And like he cares. I’ve come to discover my parents are completely self-absorbed.
“Really. Everything’s fine,” I say firmly with a nod. I don’t want to go into any more details.
I get away from Dad as fast as I can, give Mother a brief hug before I practically run out the door, Evan right behind me. I take in big gulps of air the moment I escape from their cloying suite. It’s like I can’t breathe when I’m with them.
It’s weird how I never felt like that with them before.
“That bad?” Evan asks on the ride down in the elevator.
“Always,” I say, keeping my gaze averted.
“Yeah.” He pauses. “Me too.”
***
Reverie,
When it’s late at night, I usually can’t sleep. All I can do is think about you. Wondering where you are. Who you’re with. How you’re doing. I worry about you. I want you…
I have a job, working construction. It’s hard work but I like everyone there and the money is good. I don’t really have any friends. Michael’s away at college and I miss him. The guys I work with are mostly older with girlfriends or families. I really have nothing in common with them.
You know what happened to me before and how my best friend accused me of a crime I never committed. I still don’t understand why it happened. Why he said what he did. I ran into him today. David. Totally random moment in the grocery store, he was there with some girl. He told me we should get together sometime.
I don’t want to. He’s ruined everything. Our friendship, which meant more to me than anything else, was trashed when he confessed that we beat some guy into a bloody pulp. Why would he do something like that? He said the cops wouldn’t stop. He said he finally said we did just to shut them up.
It makes no sense. He makes no sense. My life was almost ruined by his so-called confession. I know I should let it go but it’s hard. My past haunts me to do this day. Krista is murdered and they automatically think I had something to do with it because of my past.
You’ll never read this but it feels good to get everything out. Seeing David today…all the old resentment and anger rose up within me and I felt like I was going to burst. I had no one to talk to about it. So here I am, writing you an email you’ll never get, expressing my feelings and admitting I have hatred for someone who used to mean the world to me.
I hate my ex-best friend. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to and I wish…
Yeah. I have no time for wishes.
They say the truth hurts. I disagree. There’s nothing better than the truth. Nothing.
And the truth is…I love you Reverie. I wish I could say those words to your face.
Again with the wishes. I’m such an idiot.
Love,
Nick
***
October 11th
“You’re failing.” Mrs. Davis looks at me from over the top of her glasses, which have slid halfway down her nose. “Two classes, Rev. History and English. Your favorite classes, I might add. This makes no sense to me considering how well you’ve done in the past.”
She hands me a sheet of paper and I take it from her, scanning the progress report as dread fills my stomach and makes me nauseous. I have a C in Algebra 2 and I have no idea how that happened. I used to love math. The C- in Chemistry and a B in P.E. are both no surprises. I despise chemistry. I like P.E. so I can only guess the B is because I’ve missed a few classes.
And the two F’s—I can’t imagine what my parents would say if they saw that. But they won’t. All mail is coming to our address at the apartment and they don’t see that. If they find out I’m failing they’ll make me come back and live with them, which would either be a complete joke or complete torture, take your pick.
Of course, Evan’s going to kill me when he sees those grades, because he will. Better he knows than Mom and Dad though.
“I know there’s been some…turmoil within your family lately,” my counselor starts to say, her voice gentle, her expression kind. I’ve always liked Mrs. Davis. She’s been helpful and sweet, guiding me well throughout the last three years. “I understand that could affect your grades tremendously. If you need any help at all I—”
“I don’t need any,” I interrupt her, not wanting to hear it. The sympathy, the worry, my need for guidance and all the other crap that will come with her supposed unconditional offer. “I’ll do better,” I say firmly, needing to believe in myself. “I promise.”
She sends me a skeptical look, one that reads she doesn’t believe a thing I’m saying and that’s fine. She doesn’t have to. I know the truth and what’s inside my heart. I can do this. I will do this. I’ve always done well at school.
I shouldn’t mess up this last year should I? Doing bad now will only mess up my future and all because of my selfish parents don’t care who they hurt and the boy who walked away from me without another word?
Not smart.
Tears prick the corners of my eyes and I blink furiously, mentally ordering them to go away. I refuse to fall apart, especially in front of Mrs. Davis.
“Are you sure? We can set you up with the tutoring program. Or you could meet with your teachers and discuss makeup assignments.” She studies me, her expression carefully blank. “We’ll also be calling your parents to get them involved involved though and I don’t know how easily that’s going—”
“No,” I say vehemently. “They’re not around so...” Everyone at school is aware of my parents’ circumstances and that Evan is my temporary guardian until I turn eighteen. And then I’m on my own.
“But Rev. They’re your parents,” Mrs. Davis says. “They have to be involved.”
“They’re too busy with their own problems,” I mutter under my breath.
Her expression turns the faintest bit harder, almost as if she’s heard enough of my crap and doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. That’s probably a more than fair description because I’ve seen this same type of look on a lot of people’s faces lately. People who proclaim they care yet never do anything. It’s hard to help someone who’s so unwilling to help herself though, right?
“We’ll get your brother involved then. A progress report will be sent home in the next few days,” she says briskly. “I expect to see your parents’ signatures on it before you turn it in. Failure to do so will mean more trouble for you young lady, so I suggest you be truthful with them and work on picking up those grades.”
“Yes ma’am.” I glance down at my lap, watching as I twist my fingers together so tightly my knuckles turn white. I’d rather be anywhere other than here. Listening to her drone on telling me what a failure I am. I’m sick of it.
“You do plan on attending college, correct? Soon you’ll start putting in applications if you haven’t started already. You’ve done so well and I hate to see you mess up now and ruin everything.” She’s so subtle, Mrs. Davis. Telling me that I’ll ruin everything.
Standing, I clutch my books to my chest, watching her as she lifts her head and contemplates me, like I’m some sort of bug she’s checking out under the microscope and she’s realizing she doesn’t like what she sees. “May I go now?”
She lets forth an extremely frustrated sigh and nods. “Of course. See you later, Rev.”
I escape her office and step out into the hallway, realizing that it’s already lunchtime. I check around for a sign of a friend. Any friend. But there are none around and I’m filled with a profound loss. I miss my old friends but I blew that completely.
My stomach growls and I reluctantly head toward the cafeteria, hoping no one will pay attention to me and I can eat alone. I go through the food line, picking out a salad and an apple, grabbing a Mountain Dew to keep me awake so I can make it through the rest of my classes.
Once I pay for my food, I glance around the big room, hoping to avoid making eye contact with anyone. Not like they’re paying attention to me anyway. I’ve always been one of the girls who blends into the walls and I liked it that way. But when I started to ignore my two best friends and hang out with other people, girls who don’t really care about me, not in the way Vanessa and Valerie do, it became this thing where no one cared about me. I didn’t just blend into the wall, I became the wall.
I start walking toward my newfound favorite corner where I sit if I’m not skipping school when I hear someone softly call my name. Looking down, I see it’s Vanessa, sitting alone at what was once our favorite table. She tilts her head back, her gaze locking with mine, and I freeze where I stand.
“Hi,” I say once I swallow past the lump in my throat.
She waves a hand toward the spot across from her, her expression solemn. “Sit down?”
I do as she asks without replying, setting my tray in front of me and cracking open the bottle of water I have, drinking a few swallows to moisten my super dry throat. “H-how are you?” I finally ask.
Vanessa stares at me for a moment. “Do you even care?” she asks flatly.
I’m startled. I always felt like they abandoned me but I…have to face the truth. I abandoned them. I was the one who changed, not my friends. Everything she says, how she acts toward me, I asked for all of it.
“I do,” I say softly, pressing my lips together to prevent from saying anymore. “I’ve…had a hard time lately.”
“We’ve missed you,” Vanessa says, wincing once she made the admission. “Valerie would kill me if she knew I told you that.”
Valerie was the toughest of us three and the one who hated showing emotion the most. So I know Vanessa is right. “I’ve missed you too,” I confess. “I’ve been a real jerk lately.”
Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “You think? Hmm, let’s see. You’ve stopped hanging around us, ignored us when we call your name, act like the slut of the school when that’s the farthest thing from the truth…”
“It’s probably closer to the truth than you realize,” I mumble, earning both eyebrows raised on Vanessa’s part.
“I doubt that,” she says, reaching out to touch my arm. I startle at her touch, shocked that she’s being so nice.
“Why are you acting like this?” I ask.
“Acting like what?”
“Like you still care?”
“Because I do. We’ve been friends for too long for me to let a few months of you acting like a complete idiot to stop me from caring about you, Rev. Give me more credit than that.”
“Well, maybe you should stop. I might not be worth it anymore,” I say morosely.
“Oh my God, cut the crap.” I startle at the sharpness in her tone, the way she slaps the edge of the table with her hand. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This ‘poor pitiful me’ act is getting old. So your parents screwed up, so what? Who cares?”
“I care.” I jab my thumb at my chest, irritated that she would bring up my parents. “My parents didn’t just screw up, they screwed people over royally, including me and my brother.” I glance around before I lower my voice. “Supposedly they stole from the congregation, from the entire company. Everything we own has been seized, including their bank accounts. We could lose everything.”
The sympathy on Vanessa’s face is clear. She’s never been one to hide anything. She’s so pretty too, with her strawberry blond hair and freckled cheeks. Pale blue eyes that are staring at me like she wants to both slap and hug me all at once. “You’ll still be okay. You’ll make it.”
“Maybe I won’t,” I admit, my voice small. “ You don’t know what’s going to happen to me or my family.”
“I do know one thing.” She leans in close, her gaze direct, her hands clutching the edge of the cafeteria table. “You’re acting like a total baby. Stop with the whining and the acting out. Skipping class and doing like crap at school, acting like a total slut when we both know you’re not. You’ve made out with a few guys but that’s it so don’t tell me it’s something more.”
“It’s something more,” I whisper, my cheeks heating with embarrassment when Vanessa’s eyes go wide. “I met a guy this summer and…”
“And what?” she whispers back.
“I-I’ll tell you later. Just know that it got serious.” I drop my head, feeling ashamed for how I’ve treated my friends, the two girls who’ve stood by me for years. I wasn’t very nice to them. I don’t deserve Vanessa’s kindness. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I hate that I don’t talk to you and Valerie anymore.”
“We hate it too. We sort of hated you for a while but we’re over it. At least, I’m over it. You might have to work a little harder with Valerie.” I lift my head to find Vanessa smiling at me. “Do what you’re supposed to do, Rev. Act like yourself. This fake Rev sucks. I miss the old Rev.”
“I do too.”
/> “Then drop the act and be normal. You’ll be a lot happier I swear.” Vanessa reaches across the table and grabs my arm, giving it a squeeze. “Meet up after school at the café? I’ll have Valerie with me. I’ll tell her to go easy on you.”
Café Bella was our favorite spot to hang out at after school. We’d grab a drink and talk about our day. No one else from school would be there which was perfect. We could gossip freely. “I’d like that,” I admit softly.
“Good. Then it’s settled.” Vanessa smiles and nods toward my tray. “Now eat your lunch and tell me which classes you’re doing terrible in so we can figure out a strategy to get your grades up. Can’t have you flunking out your senior year. That’s just stupid.”
Tears fill my eyes and I blink them away, so incredibly thankful for my friend.
I need to find my way back to myself again. I think Vanessa—and hopefully Valerie—will be the perfect guides.
***
Dear Reverie,
I always feel the need to say at the start of these stupid, pointless letters that you’ll never read this. I know you won’t. So it’ll go into my drafts folder in my inbox. I sit here typing on my phone in the dark, in my room. In my bed. The window is open, letting in a cool breeze but my skin is hot. I’m burning up with memories of you with me. In this bed. Naked and trembling and so pretty beneath me, your eyes closed, my name falling from your lips.
I miss you but I’m starting to wonder if I miss the memory of you and not the real you. Did we really know each other during our short time together? I know I certainly believed I was in love with you but I’m thinking maybe it all moved too fast. That maybe I should just hold onto our summer together as a great memory and let it go. Banish you from my mind for good.