He was panting. Leaning forward, his face tilted down so close to mine I could feel its heat. It burned through my clothing, marking itself on my skin. "Are you positive you don't remember me?" He pressed his body against mine and my pulse quickened as heavy, silent seconds stretched out around us. I couldn't move. He was a hot wall of hard muscles, and he was caging me in. It was devastating, tearing me apart inside. He still smelled the same. If I concentrated, just let myself think for one moment, I knew I'd be able to still feel the heat of his lips on mine from so long ago. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly and tried to focus on anything but the person I couldn't face in front of me. But his body shifted and slid against mine, dragging himself flush against me. And my body remembered him. Every nerve ending that had longed for his touch tingled and warmed and cried for him.
"Remember me?" he whispered, leaning in closer, lips hovering just over my skin, breathing fast and hard and hot against my mouth.
Don't do it, Charlie. Don't do it.
"Yes," I whispered.
"Do you belong to him?" he asked, as the pad of his thumb brushed gently across my cheek.
"I haven’t belonged to anyone since I was seventeen," I said, opening my eyes and letting the tears spill.
Tension melted from his face. His eyes softened as one of his hands wiped at my tears. With the slightest movement forward, his lips just brushed mine—so close I could just about taste my childhood. My heart stopped and I closed my eyes. Warm lips teased the corner of my mouth.
But when my body arched forward to react, he turned his head away.
My heart shattered into a million little pieces.
Tears burst with renewed grief as I wrapped my arms around him. I clung to him shamelessly, breathing in the familiar scent of him. It wasn't even a second before he pushed me away.
His eyes slowly slid over my body, drinking me in. The way he did it was so full of hatred and anguish that my stomach twisted. Heat spread across my chest and plunged into my stomach as I struggled to breathe. That's right, Jase, hate me. Hate me for breaking your heart, so you never know the truth.
"You're right. You're not my Charlie anymore. You're used and broken, and I fucking hate you," he whispered. The words hit me hard, as if it were a real physical blow, sending my body reeling in its aftereffects. Sharp pain ripped through my chest, leaving me wide open and bleeding. I heard the whimper escape my mouth before I could even think to pull it back and mask my pain. It came out all the same. The intensity and hurt had me squeezing my eyes shut tightly, so that all I saw was spots.
I heard him step back, and my body melted to the floor. Clearing his throat, he lowered his eyes to mine. "You and your friend are going to leave this party quietly and come with me. I have questions about the criminal activity here."
That's it, Jase. Hate me.
Hate me.
Think I'm filth.
Think I'm bad.
One of your criminals.
Hate me, because standing here in front of you, I know without a doubt that I never stopped loving you. Not for one second.
"Am I being arrested?" I tried to smirk up at him.
"Did I read you your Miranda rights?" he snapped.
"No, but..."
"Just shut the hell up. I don't want you saying anything to me until we are in front of people. Don't make me cuff you," he hissed in my face then instantly backed away. "Carter and I will meet you and your crazy-haired friend outside. We're climbing out the fire escape so I don't cuff the drugged up shithead you've been fucking. Yet."
We stepped out onto the fire escape and he was all business. No more intense glances, just bored, dead eyes doing their job, looking through me as if I weren't there. He brought his phone to ear as he pulled me down the metal steps. "Carter. Yeah. Going down the fire escape." His words were clipped and angry. "He'll be too high to notice if we left. Take Purple Hair out too. Make it look like you two are hooking up. Tell him I got some dirty skank riding me somewhere," his eyes flick to me. "Yeah... Yeah... Drop Purple Hair off. Great. I'll catch you back at base."
∞
It was my first time inside a police station.
"What are you doing, J?" Carter yelled, pulling at Jase's arms, trying desperately to control him. "J, what the hell, man?" But Jase gripped me tighter and pushed me forward.
"Calm down! Dude, no…" Carter barked, as Jase opened the jail cell and yanked me roughly by the elbow into it.
It was my first time behind metal bars. My insides trembled. I knew I did nothing illegal, but I kept quiet. Whatever this was, this was what Jase needed to do. The bars of the cage slammed toward me and locked loudly into place. Staggering back, I sat slumped in the corner on a bench next to three other women. The smell in there was putrid. Leaning my head against the cold cage, I silently watched the turmoil of the room.
Carter stepped close to Jase, but he shoved him off like an animal and stalked back and forth in front of the bars that separated me from freedom.
"You can't leave me in prison," I said.
"This isn't prison; it's a holding cell. You watch too many movies," he snapped.
"I'm in here with prostitutes and strung out crack whores," I hissed, eyeing the three passed out women in the cage with me.
"Yep. Make yourself at home." He looked past me into the cell and smiled, "I'm sure you'll fit right in."
More chaos erupted when a huge guy stormed into the holding cell area and started screaming at Jase. "Do you want to lose your shield? Do you? Walk it off, Detective. Is she worth your pension? You can't just throw people into holding cells without..." his voice splintered off as he dragged Jase down the hallway into another closed off area.
Carter opened the cell and gestured for me to come out.
Hesitantly, I walked toward him.
Brooke, a girl who came into the tat parlor every once in a while, was behind him. Why was she here? And Carter? I've seen him inside Bren's apartment at his parties. What the hell was going on here?
I was given a hot cup of coffee and asked to sit in one of the interview rooms. It was definitely different than anything I'd ever seen on television or read about in one of my books. It was depressing. Long drawn out faces, little patience, and exhausted, haunted eyes were everywhere I looked.
After waiting alone for an hour, Jase and Carter walked in and sat opposite me at the metal table.
Both men had legal pads and pens in their hands.
I shivered. Truth was, I hadn't stopped shivering since I saw him.
"Miss Stone. What's your relationship with Brendan Laux?"
My eyes never looked up at either of them. I focused on the cup of ice-cold, stale coffee, and answered. "He was my boyfriend."
"Was?" Jase asked, angrily.
"Yes," I said quietly. "I broke up with him a few days ago."
"Oh, shit," Carter hissed, which made my eyes snap up—just as one of the metal chairs smashed into the wall.
"You were mine. Mine. Why the fuck are you with him?" Jase screamed.
"His mother took me in. I had no one," I yelled back.
"You had me," he said.
"No I didn't, I had no one," I whispered, shaking my head.
"I went back for you and you were gone," he said, standing over me.
"I stayed as long as I could for you, and you never came back. Auburn took me in, taught me everything, and even put me through school. She made me promise I would take care of Bren."
Carter pulled him away and threw him into one of the chairs, almost toppling it over. "I need the name of his supplier," Carter said.
"His supplier for what? I get all the inks and I buy all the sanitizing supplies for the store. He does nothing! We get inspected all the time. I do everything by the book there, Detective. Everything." I balled my hands into fists and pounded on the table. "All the permits are in my name from the New York State Department of Health under the statutory authority of the Public Health Law Article four-fucking-A! My supplier, for all my equ
ipment, is PermaInk Suppliers, right in Jersey City!"
Jase launched forward and both his hands slammed down on the table in front of me, "I'm talking about the pharmaceuticals that your boyfriend has been selling me for months!"
"One, he's not my boyfriend anymore. Two, seems like you have the drug problem, not me," I yelled back.
The large black coffee that was given to me when I first came in was thrown and splashed across the wall.
The woman, Brooke, ran into the room and tried to calm Jase down.
"Holy shit. You're a detective too?" I asked.
"Sage," she greeted, stepping in front of Jase, who was pacing back and forth.
"Brooke," I smiled tightly.
"Don't call her Sage! Her name is Charlie," Jase snapped.
Brooke's movements froze and her eyes went wide. "This is Charlie? I thought Charlie was a guy." She laughed thickly. "Nice reunion. Oh, Delaney. This just gets better and better."
What the Hell was she going on about? I narrowed my eyes at her.
"She's not much to look at, Delaney, I guess your tastes changed," she sneered.
I could see that she was jealous. I couldn't even look at him. Here I was thinking I was brought into a police station for sleeping with an idiot, but he gets to sleep with her?
"You sound jealous," I smiled.
"Well, he's been over you for a while," she smirked.
"Let me guess, he's your boyfriend now?" I said, yawning.
"Don't fucking talk to her about me, Brooke," he rumbled low, eyes blazing into me.
"We've been together," she smiled, puffing out her tits.
I leaned back in my chair. "Nice, so you let him stick his dick in you? Congratulations, you must be special. A guy sticking his dick in a girl; must be love." I shook my head and looked up toward Carter. "You seem to be the only person here without a personal agenda in this, so please enlighten me as to why I was brought here."
"Did you know Bren was selling drugs from the shop?" Carter asked.
"No. No, nonono," I said, quickly shaking my head. "Detective, no, he wouldn't. He couldn't; that shop is all I have.”
"He's going to kill you," Jase whispered.
"What?"
"Your little drug-dealing boyfriend? We've been doing surveillance on his drug operation for almost six months. Oh, and he was hiring me to kill you and whoever you're fucking behind his back," Jase spat.
I was floored. I knew Bren had been doing cocaine. That's why I broke up with him, but dealing drugs? I had no idea. I nodded my head and took a deep breath. "I can take care of myself, Jase. Thanks anyway."
"Who is the poor sap you're giving it to?" He slid a white pad topped with a pen across the table and pointed to it. "Write down his name, so we can send a patrol car to where he lives."
I looked at Brooke, her eyes intently watching Jase as he watched me. I completely understood her desire for him. I’d never wanted to be in anybody else's shoes like I did at that moment. I looked back down at the pad and shook my head again. "I don't know who he could be talking about." I folded my arms and laid my head down on the table.
"You're a liar. What did he say tonight? What did he say?" Jase was pacing back and forth in front of the table once more. I fought closing my eyes and watched his strides. "Oh, right. He said you were either going to go home and read or meet up with your secret prince charming friend, so—"
"He's talking about you, Detective." I enunciated every word clearly and curtly.
Jase stopped pacing. The room stilled–quieted for a few heartbeats. Everyone was watching me. "Pardon me?"
"He sees when I text you."
Another chair gets thrown across the interview room, and suddenly another cop dressed in a crisp white shirt flew into the room and dragged Jase out of there, still screaming at me. "You were mine, always, Charlie. Since I was nine years old, you had me, had me right in the palm of your hand. I never got over us! How the fuck could you hurt me like this!"
"I'm so sorry," I whispered as soon as he got out the door.
Brooke bent down and picked up one of the chairs and dragged it across the table from me. Her eyes looked tired as she slumped heavily into it. "Never saw him like that before." She sighed and rubbed at her eyes. "So you're the one, huh? The Charlie that's tattooed over his heart? Did you ever love him?"
He has my name tattooed over his heart?
Her words broke the dam. Tears poured from my eyes. "Jase Delaney was the first and last boy I ever loved. I loved him a way that someone like you could never understand. It was one of those loves that only happens the first time, the kind that makes you dizzy and breathless. The one you compare all other guys to, and they never live up to it. But none of it matters now, right? He's got you."
Yawning, I gathered my stuff and got up to leave.
"Where are you going?" Brooke asked, following me out the door. In the hallway, Jase was leaning against the wall with his head up toward the ceiling. There were a few officers surrounding him, guarding him.
"Where do you think you're going?" Jase asked with a defeated look in his eyes.
"Detective, I know my rights," I sighed. "I haven't been arrested for anything. I was never read my Miranda rights. We all know from being in here for over three hours now that I have no clue what you're talking about when it comes to Bren. But by all means, arrest him for whatever crap he's done." I look directly at the cop in the white shirt. He looked like the head guy. "I will help in any way I can, sir. Despite the history between Detective Delaney and me, there is no way that I would allow the son-of-bitch to sell drugs out of that tattoo parlor. You need no warrants; you can look through anything and everything I have in that shop. It's all yours."
"Damn, Delaney. You just got lawyered," one of the cops laughed.
"Miss Stone," the white shirt called out, stopping me in my tracks. "Getting a warrant is the least of our problems. You need to have an unmarked car watching over you. He offered to pay Detective Delaney and Detective Mills to have you murdered."
I just nodded and looked down at my shoes, hugging myself tightly. "I'll wait outside then."
I let the tears fall as soon as I was outside. The sun was just rising, glinting off the steel skyscrapers and bending rainbows across the sky. I wanted to hail a cab and run for it. But I could feel a pair of blue eyes watching me from the window. I didn't turn around to make sure. I didn't want to see the hate he had for me. I wanted Jase Delaney to forget me, be rid of me, and I’d succeeded after all these years.
Carter jogged down the steps after me, calling my name. "Hey. Stop. You can't leave. Your life is in real danger."
I stopped and pivoted around to face him, my shoulders slouched in defeat. "Yeah. I heard. What now? You guys going to use me as bait or something?"
"You do watch too much television."
"Yeah, thanks. I don't actually, but whatever."
"Just give me five minutes, and I'll bring you to wherever you need to go. Then, we'll get someone to look after you until we set up the money exchange with Bren."
I had no place left.
Detective Mills had me wait in one of the unmarked cars in the lot. It gave me time to think. I needed to just leave. Forget everything and find someplace new. It's not like I’d created any lasting, meaningful relationships in the last few years. Hell, I barely saw my father anymore. Once a year for the holidays. He had another new family to take care of now.
The only person I’d gotten close to was Auburn, and she was gone.
If it weren't for Auburn, then I would have probably died. It's still clear as day, the night I'd met her. I’d tried to live with my father and his new wife. I stayed with them for a few weeks, but I was too out of control. My stepmother was crazed with my hours and went through the guest room while I was sleeping and found an empty whiskey bottle; a few actually. They sat me down and told me I needed to leave. I was eighteen, an adult, I needed to go out on my own or back with my mother.
I left and spen
t the night walking the streets, until my legs were too tired to move. Crossing my arms over my stomach and hugging myself, I backed up against the gritty brick wall of a building, feeling terrified. My father wanted me to go back to my mother. My mother was useless. What kind of piece of shit parent throws her own daughter out on the street when she tells you she was…I couldn’t even get my lips to form the word anymore.
Auburn found me on the street across from the shop. She gave me a cup of coffee and a stale candy bar from her jar; it was the first thing I'd eaten in two days.
Slowly, I put the broken shards of my life back together. I graduated from high school, enrolled in art courses at college, and worked every night alongside Auburn. When I saved enough money, I bought my own cheap computer, and the first chance I had, I logged onto my email. It was something I wished I’d never been curious about, but I missed him so much. I missed my best friend. I just needed to know if he was okay. Dozens of emails cluttered my inbox.
Charlie,
I don't know where you went. I came back and you were gone. Please call me. Please tell me you're okay.
It's hard to breathe without you.
Jase
Charlie,
My father said you left with some guy. Please tell me what is going on. Please.
Jase
Charlie,
Was it what happened with Joey? Did something happen that I missed? I told you I’d come back for you. I promised. Was 4 months so long? When we’d been friends for years? I will never get closure from you. I will always look for you, always wonder where you are and what happened. And I hate you. I hate you for that. I hate you for not waiting just a little while longer for me.
Jase
Charlie,
I enlisted. Just like we planned. Except you changed your part. I will never forgive you for this.