I shrank back shyly, not liking the funny clowns with their painted faces and clumsy clothes, scared they might throw their buckets of water over me.
'It's not like you to be bashful, Hetty!' said Jem, putting his arm round me. 'Are you pleased we got into the circus? I told you I'd find a way.'
'I'm very, very, very pleased,' I said.
The band struck up again, and a plump lady in a tight magenta costume came dancing into the ring. She ran over to a vast ladder at the side and started climbing up it, rung after rung, up and up and up, as nimble as a squirrel. She reached a little platform right at the top and clasped a long pole waiting there. We saw a taut rope stretching all the way across the tent, high in the air. She was Flora the tightrope walker!
The lady gave a flourish, seized her pole and stepped out onto the rope! She walked right along it, even pointing her feet and dancing, as if she was a magenta fairy flitting through the air. It hurt my neck to watch her and I could hardly breathe because I was so scared she'd fall. Jem had warned me so many times that I mustn't ever try to edge along the tree branches in our squirrel house. He nudged me purposefully now.
'You mustn't try this lark, Hetty, promise!' he whispered. 'My Lord, isn't she amazing?'
We watched as she skipped along, walked backwards, even sat upon the rope, arranging her deep-pink skirts around her and taking a book out of her pocket, pretending to read! These seemed marvels enough, but when she'd advanced all the way over to the other side, she took something from under a cloth on the other lofty platform. It was a little perambulator on two wheels with a baby doll sitting up inside. She took the vehicle, wobbling alarmingly, so that we all went 'Ooooh!' Then she balanced it on the rope, with dolly still inside. Flora walked steadily back across the rope, as casually as any mother wheeling her baby. When at long last she reached the other platform and took her bow, she seized the doll and made her take a bow too.
Then Chino the clown came capering back with his silly friend, Beppo, plus two very little clowns in comical baby gowns with woollen booties on their feet. They had greasepaint on their faces and silly red noses. At first I thought they were simply child clowns, but then I spied a flash of silver beneath the baby gown and realized they were the two tumbling boys dressed up. They kept playing tricks on the clowns, leaping up into the air, landing on their hands and then walking upside down all round the ring. There was a lot of fun and games with bottles and napkins. Jem laughed so much he nearly fell off his seat. Then at last all four clowns took a bow and ran off. That seemed to be the end of the circus, because everyone clapped and then stood up, stretching.
'Oh!' I said. 'Oh dear, Jem.'
'What is it, Hetty? Aren't you enjoying the circus?' Jem asked.
'I think it's wonderful, but now it is ended and I didn't get to see her, the lady in pink spangles with red hair. My lady,' I said, nearly in tears.
'It's all right, silly. She'll be in the second half. This is only an interval, Hetty. There's lots more to come, I promise.'
'Really! And so we haven't missed her? We really will see her?'
'Yes, we will.'
'She's the one I like the best,' I said.
'But you haven't even seen her perform yet!'
'I still know.'
'I like the clowns, they are so funny,' said Jem, chuckling. 'I should so love to set folk laughing like that.'
'We could have our own circus!' I said. 'You could be a clown, Jem, and Gideon can be a boy tumbler, and I will wear a short pink skirt and ride on my horse. Let us run away and start our circus, you and me and Gideon, and then I won't have to go to the hospital,' I said earnestly.
'I wish we could, Hetty,' said Jem, looking wretched. 'We could maybe have a circus when we're married. Perhaps we could start a farm circus, and you could train the pig to stand on a tub and get the chickens to cluck in time and set all the goats dancing,' he went on, trying to humour me. 'Here now, Hetty. Eat your gingerbread.'
He was trying to distract me. I did have a very sweet tooth so I set about eating my biscuit, though it had cracked and crumbled rather when I wriggled under the tent flap. I insisted on sharing it with Jem. We ate every crumb until only the gold star was left. Jem stuck that on my forehead.
Then the band struck up and the clowns capered back into the ring. I fidgeted in my seat, breathless with anticipation. I saw a gentleman throwing daggers at a lady in sparkly drawers, a troupe of seals barking for fish, and a man eating fire as casually as we'd eaten our gingerbread, but I was still restless and unsatisfied. But then, oh, then, right at the end, the ringmaster cracked his whip and announced: 'Now, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys. Tanglefield's Travelling Circus is proud to present Madame Adeline and her troupe of rosin- backed performing horses!'
I sat up straight as six sleek horses cantered into the ring. I was used to Dobbin and Rowley, the great shire horses in Father's care at the farm. These dancing, prancing horses seemed an elvish breed, so small and dainty. Two were spotted, two piebald and two grey, all with their manes and tails flowing, long and silky. Madame Adeline sat on the first grey, which was almost pure white but with a saucy black patch on one eye, so that he looked as wicked as a pirate. He arched his neck and stepped precisely in time with the music, clearly proud to have Madame Adeline on his back. She looked so beautiful in her pink spangles and short frilly skirt, her flame-coloured hair piled on her head, a black ribbon round her slim white neck.
She stood up on the back of the pirate horse, straight and proud, arms high in the air, never faltering. She smiled at our applause, and called something to the other grey horse. He galloped faster and faster. As he drew alongside Madame Adeline leaped from one horse's back to the other, landing with fairy lightness. She leaped on, from one eager horse to another, she swung herself down till her toes touched the sawdust, then up over the side of the horse, she even stood on her hands while he cantered.
I watched her open-mouthed, marvelling. Madame Adeline jumped through a hoop and landed lightly back on the pirate horse, as easily as if she was skipping down the village lane. I clapped until my hands were sore. She slowed to a trot, still standing, waving at all of us. I waved back wildly, desperate for her to see me.
'Hello, children,' she called.
I piped 'hello' back, standing up in my seat.
'Who would like to come and ride with me?' she said.
I didn't wait for a second. I hurtled out of my seat. Jem tried to catch hold of me by the hem of my dress, but I whisked it away and rushed frantically for the ring. There were already children right at the front, hopping eagerly over the little red wall into the circus ring. Madame Adeline was laughing and pointing, picking her rider.
'No, no, pick me!' I screamed, still running. I tried to jump down the steep wooden steps, lost my footing, and hurtled forward, tumbling head over heels.
'Oh my, here's a little acrobat!' said Madame Adeline as I lay with my face in the sawdust, totally dazed.
I felt her strong hands lifting me up. I stood there, trembling. She was even more beautiful close up. Her hair was bright red, her face powdery white though her cheeks were a delicate pink, and her lips thrillingly dark and shiny. I looked up at her and fell totally in love.
'Are you all right, little one?' she asked softly, as if we were alone together, not watched by an audience of hundreds.
'I am, oh yes, I definitely am,' I said, tossing my hair out of my eyes.
'You have lovely red hair, just like mine!' she said, laughing. 'What's your name, child?'
'I'm Hetty Feather, ma'am,' I whispered.
'How old are you, Hetty? You speak up very nicely, yet you can't be more than . . . four?'
'I'm five and three-quarters, ma'am, just small for my age,' I said.
'And you want to ride my horse with me, little Hetty?'
'More than anything!'
She laughed again, her teeth white and perfect, her lips gleaming. 'Then so be it, Little Star,' she said, touching the gingerbread st
ar still stuck to my forehead.
She lifted me up up up and I found myself sitting on the smooth hot back of her horse. She swung herself up behind me, gave a little clucking sound, and the horse started trotting slowly round the ring.
I heard loud clapping all round the circus. Oh my word, they were clapping me! I stopped clutching the horse's beautiful white mane and waved one hand in the air in acknowledgement. Madame Adeline chuckled.
'You're a real showman! All right, Little Star, let's perform a few tricks for your audience.'
She clucked again and our horse started cantering. She held me tightly round the waist but I wasn't a bit scared. I dug in with my knees and arched my back to keep my balance. I heard Madame Adeline laughing approvingly.
'Faster?' she murmured.
'Yes, faster, faster!' I said.
She clucked and our pirate horse gathered speed, galloping now, overtaking all the other horses, round and round and round, so fast that all the seats within the tent seemed to be spinning. My breath bumped from my body. I felt as if I was truly flying, though all the time I was safe in Madame Adeline's grasp. I wasn't sure if the roaring in my ears was my own hot blood or the clapping of many hands.
At long last Madame Adeline shouted a command to the horse and he slowed obediently.
'Now, your star turn!' Madame Adeline murmured into my ear. 'Do you think you could stand up? I will hold you very safely, I promise.'
'Yes! Yes!' I said, scrabbling clumsily onto my knees.
'Steady! Just stretch upwards. I won't let you go,' said Madame Adeline.
I stood right up – but then my foot slipped as the horse cantered forward! I thought for a second I'd go tumbling down onto the sawdust, but Madame Adeline held me firm.
'There now, my Star,' she whispered. 'I told you I would hold you safely.'
I stood still, trying to get my balance, swaying to the left, the right, but after a half-circuit of the ring I started to get the knack of standing with my feet spread, my arms out, my back erect, my whole body moving with the rhythm of the horse. Madame Adeline still held me tight, but I'm absolutely certain I was almost balancing myself. The audience stood up in their seats and clapped, roaring their approval.
Then Madame Adeline clucked to the horse to slow right down. She slid off, taking me with her in her arms. Then she set me down gently.
'Take your bow, Little Star,' she said.
We held hands and bowed low, while the clapping sounded louder than twenty brass bands. Madame Adeline bent and gave me a kiss.
'Well done, my precious child,' she said, and then she patted me on the shoulder to send me back to my seat.
'Oh, Hetty! Oh my Lord, Hetty!' Jem cried when I found my way back to him. He thumped me on the back. 'You were brilliant, Hetty.'
'No I wasn't, Jem,' I said modestly, though I wanted to jump up and down and say, YES, I AM BRILLIANT!
People right along the rows of seats were turning round, craning forward, calling to me, while my neighbours patted me on the back and added their praises. I scarcely paid attention to them. Madame Adeline was standing on the pirate horse, circling the ring, leaping lightly from one horse to another, flying fairy-like across her steeds, waving and bowing – and then she was going, trotting right out of the ring, all five horses in step as they followed her.
'Oh! She's going!' I said, leaping to my feet again. 'It's over!'
'Wait, Hetty. The circus isn't over. Oh, look, it's the clowns again,' said Jem, pulling me back down beside him.
I didn't care for the clowns. I didn't want to watch the tumbling boys. I didn't even wish to see the great golden jungle lion baring its teeth and snapping sullenly at its trainer. I only wanted to see Madame Adeline and I fidgeted and fussed.
'Behave yourself, Hetty,' said Jem sternly, digging me in the ribs. 'Sit quietly. You'll see Madame Adeline again at the end.'
'Will I really?'
'If you are a good girl and sit as still as a mouse,' said Jem.
I tried my best, though I behaved like a very agitated mouse, quivering and sniffing. At last the band struck up and all the circus artistes trooped back into the ring. Even great Elijah plodded out, trunk waving in the air. My wondrous Madame Adeline came trotting in on the pirate horse. She waved and smiled at everyone, but her head was turning, glancing this way and that. She was looking for someone. Looking for me?
I stood right up on my seat and waved both arms in the air like a windmill, shouting, 'Madame Adeline! Madame Adeline!' Jem had to hang onto me hard by my dress hem.
'Goodbye, Little Star!' Madame Adeline called, kissing her hand and waving just to me.
I waved and waved back. Then everyone paraded out of the ring and the band stopped playing and the audience stopped clapping. Everyone started filing out. Jem pulled at me, but I clung to my seat, not moving until all that was left of the show was an empty tent and dirty sawdust. Then I burst into tears.
'Whatever is the matter now, Hetty?' asked Jem.
'I want the circus back!' I wept.
'You're the absolute limit! Aren't you ever satisfied? You've seen the circus. In fact you've been the circus, doing your double act with Madame Adeline.'
'I want to ride with her again. Oh, Jem, let us go and find her.'
'Don't be so silly, Hetty. She'll be in one of the wagons at the back of the tent, with those big bad men who will catch us and whip us.'
'I don't care. I want to see Madame Adeline. I have to see her. She will want to see me. I am her Little Star,' I bellowed, stamping my foot.
'You're a little whatsit,' said poor Jem, giving my arm a shake. 'Why won't you ever see reason, Hetty? I try so hard to please you but it's never enough.'
I felt bad then, but not enough to modify my behaviour. I pulled free from Jem when we got outside the circus tent, ready to run right round it to the back. I wasn't looking where I was going and fell headlong over a long rope snaking across the grass. I banged my head hard on a tent peg and it hurt so much I burst into fresh floods of tears.
'It hurts, oh, it hurts!' I wailed.
'It serves you right,' said Jem crossly, but he knelt down beside me and cuddled me close. It only made me cry harder.
'Is that our Hetty screaming?' It was Nat, jostling his way through the crowd. 'Did you get in to see the circus?' he said, sounding awed. 'I tried with some of the village lads, but we were all chased away. You two are so lucky! So why is Hetty bawling? My Lord, she's going to have something to cry for when we get home! Mother is beside herself and Father is furious. You're in for a right royal paddling, you three.'
'What do you mean, you three?' said Jem.
I scrambled to my feet, scrubbing at my eyes and runny nose with the hem of my dress.
'Yes, you're really for it now!' Nat chuckled heartlessly. 'Mother's been searching for you for hours. Seems she wanted Giddy for some trifle, and then she couldn't find any of you. Eliza said you might have gone to the circus but Rosie pointed out you had no pennies. Mother's so demented she feared you'd all been stolen by the circus men.'
'I wish they would steal me,' I said, sniffing. 'I want to be with Madame Adeline.'
'Madame Addywho?' said Nat. 'Not the woman in the parade showing off all her legs as bold as brass? You should have heard what the lads said about her!'
'Don't you dare talk about her in that way!' I declared, flying at Nat, ready to reach up and pull his hair.
Jem hauled me back and shook me hard, shocking me into silence. 'Shut up, Hetty, or I shall slap you,' he said. He turned to Nat. 'You said three. Is Gideon missing too?'
'Yes, that's why Mother's in such a particular fret,' said Nat. 'We all told her he'd be fine so long as he was with you – but isn't he? Has he run off by himself?'
'He was never with us,' said Jem. 'It was just Hetty and me. Oh, Nat, Gideon is truly lost!'
7
We searched the field for Gideon in case he'd tried to follow us, but there was no sign of him. Jem bravely tried creeping round th
e back of the tent to see if he had strayed there. One of the circus men shouted at him, raising his fists in threat.
'Please, sir, I mean no harm. I'm looking for my little brother. He's lost!' said Jem.
'There ain't no little brother here. Now make yourself scarce before I give you a boot up the backside!'
'Madame Adeline!' I called, hoping she'd come running to rescue us, but she didn't hear me. Other men did though, and came hurrying out of their wagons.
'Clear off, you little varmints. The show's over!' one growled.
'Come on, you two,' said Nat. 'They're going to cut up rough any minute.'
We all had to run for it. We stopped at the edge of the field to catch our breath. I started crying again.
'We'd best take Hetty home, Jem,' said Nat. 'You never know, Gideon might be back home himself by now. I dare say he just hid himself somewhere in the yard. He's that timid he'd never go dashing off by himself.'
We hurried home, Nat and Jem holding me tight by the hands, but even so I kept tripping. I thought of Gideon, all alone, with no kind big brothers to help him along, and I felt truly dreadful.
I stopped thinking entirely of myself and Madame Adeline. Instead I said over and over again inside my head, Please let Gideon be safe at home! But when we ran up the path to our cottage and burst through the front door, Mother was weeping, Father was pacing the floor, Rosie and Eliza were wringing their hands, and even little Eliza was crying piteously in her cradle.
They looked at us, mouths gaping. Then Father and Rosie and Eliza gave great whoops of joy and relief, but Mother stared past Jem and me, her head turning left and right.
'Gideon?' she whispered.
We had to shake our heads.
'Oh, Mother, he's not with us,' I said.
'You have lost your little brother?' Mother gasped.
Gideon wasn't technically my little brother – he was born five days before me and was a head taller, though very spindly – but I knew it wasn't the right time to be pedantic.
'Hetty and I went off together,' said Jem, his face as pale as whey. 'Gideon was never with us.'