CHAPTER IX.
MERRY WEATHER INDOORS.
It rained that evening, so the plans for tennis were brought tonaught; but the evening was cheerful enough, in spite of thepouring rain outside. The wide, book-strewn parlour of PumpkinHouse was bright with many lamps, and twinkling with laughingfaces of boys and girls. Mr. Merryweather, cheerfully resigned to"company," possessed his soul and his pipe (being duly assuredthat Mrs. Grahame liked the smell of tobacco), and the Colonelpuffed his cigar beside him. A little fire crackled on the hearth,"just for society," Mrs. Merryweather said, and most of thewindows were wide open, making the air fresh and sweet with thefragrance of wet vines and flowers. The two ladies were deep inhousehold matters, each finding it very pleasant to have acompanion of her own age, though each reflecting that the childrenwere much better company in the long run. The children themselveswere playing games, with gusts of laughter and little shrieks andshouts of glee. They had had "Horned Lady," and Willy's head was aforest of paper horns, skilfully twisted. Hugh had just gonetriumphantly through the whole list, "a sneezing elephant, a punchin the head, a rag, a tatter, a good report, a bad report, acracked saucepan, a fuzzy tree-toad, a rat-catcher, a well-greavedGreek, etc., etc., etc.
"There are no thoughts in this game, beloved," said the child whenhe had finished, turning to Hildegarde. "My head turns round, butit is empty inside."
"Good for Hugh!" cried Phil. "Just the same with me, Hugh. Itmakes me feel all fuzzy inside my head, like the tree-toad."
"You ARE like a tree-toad!" said Gerald. "That is the resemblancethat has haunted me, and I could not make it out, because as arule tree-toads are not fuzzy. I thank thee, Jew--I mean Hugh--forteaching me that word. My brother, the tree-toad! Every one willknow whom I mean."
"Just as they know you as the 'one as is a little wantin',"retorted Phil. "Just think, Miss Hilda, Jerry and I spent a weektogether at a house at Pemaquid, and Jerry left his sponge behindhim when he came away. Well, and when the captain of the tugbrought it over to the island where the rest of us were, he saidone of the boys had left it, the one as was a little wantin'. Andhe said it was a pity about him, and asked if there warn't nothin'they could do for his wits."
"That was because he heard me reciting my Greek cram to the cow,"said Gerald. "Most responsive animal I ever saw, that cow, andmooed in purest Attic every time I twisted her tail. And how aboutthe pitch-kettle, my gentle shepherd? Was I ever seen, I ask theassembled family,--WAS I ever seen with a pitch-kettle on my headinstead of a hat?"
"Oh, Hilda!" exclaimed Bell; "you ought to have seen Phil. He hadbeen pitching the canoe,--this was ever so long ago, of course,--and he thought it would be great fun to put the pitch-kettle onhis head. He thought it was quite dry, you see. So he did, andwent round with it for a little, so pleased and amused; and thenhe saw some ladies coming, and tried to take it off, and itwouldn't come. Oh dear! how we did laugh!"
"Yes, Miss Hilda, I should think they did!" cried Phil,indignantly. "Sat there and chuckled like great apes, instead ofhelping a fellow. And I had to crawl under barrels for about halfa mile, so that those people wouldn't see me."
"Poor Phil!" cried compassionate Hildegarde. "And did you get itoff at last?"
"First we tried butter," he said, "but that wouldn't stir it. Thenthey gave me a bath of sweet oil, and put flour in my hair, andhot water, and turtle soup, and I don't know what not; and themore things they did, the faster the old thing stuck. So at lastwe had to call the Mater, and she took the scissors and cut itoff."
"Oh, meus oculus!" cried Gerald. "Do you remember how that kettlelooked, with a fringe of hair all around it? Half his hyacinth bedon one fell kettle! He ought to have sung a 'Lock-aber no more!'"
"And we ought to have sung 'Philly, put the kettle on!'" criedGertrude.
"Toots, don't exhaust your brain!" said Gerald, gravely. "You mayneed it some time; there is no knowing. No knowing, but muchnosing!" he added. "Could you move the principal part of yourperson, my child? It casts such a deep shadow that I cannot seemyself think."
"Will some one please tell me what is the matter with Gertrude'snose?" asked Hildegarde, innocently. "You are always talking aboutit; it seems to me a very good nose indeed."
"Dear Hilda!" exclaimed Gertrude; "what a nice girl you are!"
"That is just the point, Miss Hilda," said Gerald. "It is anexcellent nose. Take it as a nose, it has no equal in the country,we have been assured. If there is one thing this family is proudof, it is Gertrude's nose. We may not be clever, or rich, orbeautiful, but we can always fall back on the nose; there's plentyof room on it for the whole family."
"Why," put in Phil, "the Pater has been offered a dollar a poundfor that nose, and he wouldn't look at it."
"He couldn't see it," said Bell; "the nose was in the way."
"Why, one day we had been in bathing," said Phil, "and when wecame back, Toots hung her nose out of the window to dry, and wentto sleep and forgot it; and will you believe it? a fellow camealong and climbed right up it, just like 'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, letdown your hair,' you know. Ah! Oh, I say!"
At this outrage, Gertrude rose, and fell upon her brother toothand nail. She was a powerful child, and at the shock of her onset,the seat of Phil's chair gave way, and he "sat through" likelittle Silver-hair, and came suddenly to the floor, his head andlegs sticking up helplessly through the empty frame. The youngpeople were so overcome with laughter that no one could help him;but Roger, who had been hidden in a convenient corner with anabsorbing monograph on trilobites that had just arrived by mail,came forward and pulled his brother out.
"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. Merryweather, looking up. "Philip, mydear, it is strange that none of you can remember not to sit inthat chair."
"What is the matter with the chair?" inquired Mr. Merryweather.
"The seat has been loose for a long time," said his wife. "Italways comes down when any one sits in it."
"And could it not be mended?"
"Why, yes," said Mrs. Merryweather, evidently receiving a newidea. "I suppose it might be mended, Miles. Do you know, I neverthought of that! Certainly; it shall be mended. Bell, remind meto-morrow to get some glue. That is one of the set of chairs thatcame from my father's house, you remember, Miles, and the seatswere always loose. One night my mother had a party, and your UncleFrederick went round before the people came, and set the seatsforward in the frames, so that whoever sat down would go throughat once. The governor of the State was the first to take his seat,and he went directly through to the floor, just as Phil did now.My father was excessively angry, and Frederick and I spent thenext day in bed, but we thought it was worth the punishment."
"These are improving reminiscences, my dear Miranda!" said Mr.Merryweather.
"Oh! but what do you think mamma did this morning?" criedGertrude. "May I tell them, mamma? Do you mind?"
"Tell them, by all means, my dear," said Mrs. Merryweather,cheerfully. "Did I do anything more foolish than usual? Oh, yes, Iremember! I was measuring the whale-oil soap. Tell them, Gerty, ifyou think it would amuse them. I am not very useful," she added,turning to Mrs. Grahame, "but I do seem to give a good deal ofamusement, and that is a good thing."
"Well," said Gertrude, "you see, we had to squirt the roses, andmamma said she would make the whale-oil mixture for us, because itis such horrid stuff, and we had some errands to do first. So Icame back after the errands, and she was measuring it out. Dearmamma! am I a wretch?"
"Not at all, my child," said her mother. "I richly deserve to beexposed; besides, one can always serve to point a moral. You see,Mrs. Grahame, the receipt said, 'half a pint of soap to a gallonof water! Now I had ten gallons of water, so I--tell what I wasdoing, cruel child."
"She had the pint measure," said Gerty, "and she was filling ithalf full and then pouring it into the water. She was going to dothat ten times, you see; and I said, 'Why don't you fill it full,five times?' Darling mamma, I AM a wretch!"
"Yes, you are," cried Bell. "Poor mamma! dear mamma!"
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The children all clustered round their mother, caressing her, andmurmuring affectionate words. Mrs. Merryweather smiled in a happy,helpless way.
"I am a sad goose, good neighbours," she said; "but they alwaysbring me out right, somehow. There now, darlings, sit down, and begood. And, by the way, Gertrude, I am minded to heap a coal offire on your head. Didn't you tell me this morning that TitusLabienus was always on a hill, or something like that?"
"Yes," said Gertrude. "So he is, and ever will remain so. Have youtaken him down, dear mamma?"
"Not exactly!" said her mother. "But I have made a ballad abouthim, and I thought it might possibly amuse you all."
An eager shout arose, and all the young people gathered in acircle round the good lady's chair, while she read:--
"THE BALLAD OF TITUS LABIENUS."
Now Titus Labienus Was stationed on a hill; He sacrificed to Janus, Then stood up stark and still' He stood and gazed before him, The best part of a week; Then, as if anguish tore him, Did Labienus speak:
"Oh, hearken, mighty Caesar I Oh, Caius Julius C., It really seems to me, sir, Things aren't as they should be. I've looked into the future, I've gazed beyond the years, And as I'm not a butcher, My heart is wrung to tears.
"All Gaul it is divided In parts one, two and three, And bravely you and I did, In Britain o'er the sea. In savage wilds the Teuton Has felt your hand of steel, Proud Rome you've set your boot on, And ground it 'neath your heel.
"But looking down the ages, There springs into my ken A land not in your pages, A land of coming men. I would that it were handier 'Tis far across the sea: 'Tis Yankeedoodledandia, The land that is to be.
"A land of stately cities, A land of peace and truth: But oh! the thousand pities! A land of weeping youth. A land of school and college, Where youths and maidens go A-seeking after knowledge, But seeking it in woe.
"I hear the young men groaning! I see the maidens fair, With sighs and bitter moaning, Tearing their long, fair hair. And through the smoke of Janus Their cry comes sad and shrill, "Oh, Titus Labienus, Come down from off that hill
"For centuries you've stood there, And gazed upon the Swiss; Yet never have withstood there An enemy like this. The misery of seeking, The agony of doubt Of who on earth is speaking, And what 'tis all about."
"Now he had planned an action, And brought his forces round; But--well, there rose a faction, And ran the thing aground. And--their offence was heinous, Yet Caesar had his will; And Titus Labienus Was stationed on a hill.
"'Then the Helvetii rallied, To save themselves from wrack, And from the towns they sallied, And drove the Romans back. The land was quite mounTAINous, Yet they were put to flight; And Titus Labienus Was stationed on a height.
"'Then himself advised them Upon the rear to fall; But Dumnorix surprised them, And sounded a recall. Quoth he, "The gods sustain us! These ills we'll still surmount!" And Titus Labienus Was stationed on a mount."
"Thus comes the cry to hand here Across the western sea, From Yankeedoodledandia, The land that is to be. My heart is wrung with sorrow; Hot springs the pitying tear. Pray, Julius C., to-morrow Let me get down from here I
"Oh, send me to the valley! Oh, send me to the town! Bid me rebuff the sally, Or cut the stragglers down; Send me once more to battle With Vercingetorix; I'll drive his Gallic cattle, And stop his Gallic tricks.
"Oh! sooner shall my legion Around my standard fall; In grim Helvetic region, Or in galumphing Gaul; Sooner the foe enchain us, Sooner our life-blood spill, Than Titus Labienus Stand longer on the hill!"