CHAPTER IX.
UNCLE DAVID'S NONSENSICAL STORY ABOUTGIANTS AND FAIRIES.
"Pie-crust and pastry-crust, that was the wall; The windows were made of black-puddings and white, And slated with pancakes--you ne'er saw the like!"
In the days of yore, children were not all such clever, good sensiblepeople as they are now! Lessons were then considered rather a plague,sugar-plums were still in demand--holidays continued yet in fashion--andtoys were not then made to teach mathematics, nor story-books to giveinstruction in chemistry and navigation. These were very strange times,and there existed at that period, a very idle, greedy, naughty boy, suchas we never hear of in the present day. His papa and mama were----nomatter who,----and he lived, no matter where. His name was MasterNo-book, and he seemed to think his eyes were made for nothing but tostare out of the windows, and his mouth for no other purpose but to eat.This young gentleman hated lessons like mustard, both of which broughttears into his eyes, and during school-hours, he sat gazing at hisbooks, pretending to be busy, while his mind wandered away to wishimpatiently for his dinner, and to consider where he could get thenicest pies, pastry, ices, and jellies, while he smacked his lips atthe very thoughts of them. I think he must have been first cousin toPeter Grey, but that is not perfectly certain.
Whenever Master No-book spoke, it was always to ask for something, andyou might continually hear him say, in a whining tone of voice, "Papa!may I take this piece of cake? Aunt Sarah! will you give me an apple?Mama! do send me the whole of that plum-pudding!" Indeed, veryfrequently when he did not get permission to gormandize, this naughtyglutton helped himself without leave. Even his dreams were like hiswaking hours, for he had often a horrible night-mare about lessons,thinking that he was smothered with Greek Lexicons, or pelted out of theschool with a shower of English Grammars, while one night, he fanciedhimself sitting down to devour an enormous plum-cake, and that all on asudden it became transformed into a Latin Dictionary!
One afternoon, Master No-book, having played truant all day from school,was lolling on his mama's best sofa in the drawing-room, with hisleather boots tucked up on the satin cushions, and nothing to do but tosuck a few oranges, and nothing to think of but how much sugar to putupon them, when suddenly an event took place which filled him withastonishment.
A sound of soft music stole into the room, becoming louder and louderthe longer he listened, till at length, in a few moments afterwards, alarge hole burst open in the wall of his room, and there stepped intohis presence, two magnificent fairies, just arrived from their castle inthe air, to pay him a visit. They had travelled all the way on purposeto have some conversation with Master No-book, and immediatelyintroduced themselves in a very ceremonious manner.
The fairy Do-nothing was gorgeously dressed with a wreath of flaming gasround her head, a robe of gold tissue, a necklace of rubies, and abouquet in her hand, of glittering diamonds. Her cheeks were rouged tothe very eyes,--her teeth were set in gold, and her hair was of a mostbrilliant purple; in short, so fine and fashionable looking a fairynever was seen in a drawing-room before.
The fairy Teach-all, who followed next, was simply dressed in whitemuslin, with bunches of natural flowers in her light brown hair, and shecarried in her hand a few neat small books, which Master No-book lookedat with a shudder of aversion.
The two fairies now informed him, that they very often invited largeparties of children, to spend some time at their palaces, but as theylived in quite an opposite direction, it was necessary for their youngguests to choose which it would be best to visit first; therefore nowthey had come to inquire of Master No-book, whom he thought it would bemost agreeable to accompany on the present occasion.
"In my house," said the fairy Teach-all, speaking with a very sweetsmile, and a soft, pleasing voice, "you shall be taught to find pleasurein every sort of exertion, for I delight in activity and diligence. Myyoung friends rise at seven every morning, and amuse themselves withworking in a beautiful garden of flowers,--rearing whatever fruit theywish to eat,--visiting among the poor,--associating pleasantlytogether,--studying the arts and sciences,--and learning to know theworld in which they live, and to fulfil the purposes for which they havebeen brought into it. In short, all our amusements tend to some usefulobject, either for our own improvement or the good of others, and youwill grow wiser, better, and happier every day you remain in the Palaceof Knowledge."
"But in Castle Needless where I live," interrupted the fairy Do-nothing,rudely pushing her companion aside, with an angry contemptuous look, "wenever think of exerting ourselves for anything. You may put your head inyour pocket, and your hands in your sides as long as you choose tostay. No one is ever even asked a question, that he may be spared thetrouble of answering. We lead the most fashionable life that can beimagined, for nobody speaks to anybody! Each of my visitors is quite anexclusive, and sits with his back to as many of the company as possible,in the most comfortable arm-chair that can be imagined. There, if youare only so good as to take the trouble of wishing for anything, it isyours, without even turning an eye round to look where it comes from.Dresses are provided of the most magnificent kind, which go on ofthemselves, without your having the smallest annoyance with eitherbuttons or strings,--games which you can play without an effort ofthought,--and dishes dressed by a French cook, smoking hot and hot underyour nose, from morning till night,--while any rain we have, is eithermade of cherry brandy, lemonade, or lavender water,--and in winter itgenerally snows iced-punch for an hour during the forenoon."
Nobody need be told which fairy Master No-book preferred; and quitecharmed at his own good fortune in receiving so agreeable an invitation,he eagerly gave his hand to the splendid new acquaintance, who promisedhim so much pleasure and ease, and gladly proceeded, in a carriage linedwith velvet, stuffed with downy pillows, and drawn by milk-white swans,to that magnificent residence Castle Needless, which was lighted by athousand windows during the day, and by a million of lamps every night.
Here Master No-book enjoyed a constant holiday and a constant feast,while a beautiful lady, covered with jewels, was ready to tell himstories from morning till night, and servants waited to pick up hisplaythings if they fell, or to draw out his purse or hispocket-handkerchief when he wished to use them.
Thus Master No-book lay dozing for hours and days on rich embroideredcushions, never stirring from his place, but admiring the view of treescovered with the richest burned almonds, grottoes of sugar-candy, a jetd'eau of champagne, a wide sea which tasted of sugar instead of salt,and a bright clear pond, filled with gold-fish, that let themselves becaught whenever he pleased. Nothing could be more complete, and yet,very strange to say, Master No-book did not seem particularly happy!This appears exceedingly unreasonable, when so much trouble was taken toplease him; but the truth is, that every day he became more fretful andpeevish. No sweetmeats were worth the trouble of eating, nothing waspleasant to play at, and in the end he wished it were possible to sleepall day, as well as all night.
Not a hundred miles from the fairy Do-nothing's palace, there lived amost cruel monster called the giant Snap-'em-up, who looked, when hestood up, like the tall steeple of a great church, raising his head sohigh, that he could peep over the loftiest mountains, and was obliged toclimb up a ladder to comb his own hair.
Every morning regularly, this prodigiously great giant walked round theworld before breakfast for an appetite, after which, he made tea in alarge lake, used the sea as a slop-basin, and boiled his kettle on MountVesuvius. He lived in great style, and his dinners were mostmagnificent, consisting very often of an elephant roasted whole, ostrichpatties, a tiger smothered in onions, stewed lions, and whale soup; butfor a side-dish his greatest favourite consisted of little boys, as fatas possible, fried in crumbs of bread, with plenty of pepper and salt.
No children were so well fed, or in such good condition for eating, asthose in the fairy Do-nothing's garden, who was a very particular friendof the great Snap-'em-up's, and who sometimes laughingly said she would
give him a license, and call her own garden his "preserve," because sheallowed him to help himself, whenever he pleased, to as many of hervisitors as he chose, without taking the trouble even to count them,and in return for such extreme civility, the giant very frequentlyinvited her to dinner.
Snap-'em-up's favourite sport was, to see how many brace of little boyshe could bag in a morning; so in passing along the streets, he peepedinto all the drawing-rooms without having occasion to get upon tiptoe,and picked up every young gentleman who was idly looking out of thewindows, and even a few occasionally who were playing truant fromschool, but busy children seemed always somehow quite out of his reach.
One day, when Master No-book felt even more lazy, more idle, and moremiserable than ever, he lay beside a perfect mountain of toys and cakes,wondering what to wish for next, and hating the very sight of everythingand everybody. At last he gave so loud a yawn of weariness and disgust,that his jaw very nearly fell out of joint, and then he sighed sodeeply, that the giant Snap-'em-up heard the sound as he passed alongthe road after breakfast, and instantly stepped into the garden, withhis glass at his eye, to see what was the matter. Immediately onobserving a large, fat, over-grown boy, as round as a dumpling, lying ona bed of roses, he gave a cry of delight, followed by a gigantic peal oflaughter, which was heard three miles off, and picking up Master No-bookbetween his finger and his thumb, with a pinch that very nearly brokehis ribs, he carried him rapidly towards his own castle, while the fairyDo-nothing laughingly shook her head as he passed, saying, "That littleman does me great credit!--he has only been fed for a week, and is asfat already as a prize ox! What a dainty morsel he will be! When do youdine to-day, in case I should have time to look in upon you?"
On reaching home, the giant immediately hung up Master No-book by thehair of his head, on a prodigious hook in the larder, having first takensome large lumps of nasty suet, forcing them down his throat to make himbecome still fatter, and then stirring the fire, that he might bealmost melted with heat, to make his liver grow larger. On a shelf quitenear, Master No-book perceived the dead bodies of six other boys, whomhe remembered to have seen fattening in the fairy Do-nothing's garden,while he recollected how some of them had rejoiced at the thoughts ofleading a long, useless, idle life, with no one to please butthemselves.
The enormous cook now seized hold of Master No-book, brandishing herknife, with an aspect of horrible determination, intending to kill him,while he took the trouble of screaming and kicking in the most desperatemanner, when the giant turned gravely round and said, that as pigs wereconsidered a much greater dainty when whipped to death than killed inany other way, he meant to see whether children might not be improved byit also; therefore she might leave that great hog of a boy till he hadtime to try the experiment, especially as his own appetite would beimproved by the exercise. This was a dreadful prospect for the unhappyprisoner; but meantime it prolonged his life a few hours, as he wasimmediately hung up again in the larder, and left to himself. There, intorture of mind and body,--like a fish upon a hook,--the wretched boybegan at last to reflect seriously upon his former ways, and to considerwhat a happy home he might have had, if he could only have beensatisfied with business and pleasure succeeding each other, like day andnight, while lessons might have come in, as a pleasant sauce to hisplay-hours, and his play-hours as a sauce to his lessons.
In the midst of many reflections, which were all very sensible, thoughrather too late. Master No-book's attention became attracted by thesound of many voices laughing, talking, and singing, which caused him toturn his eyes in a new direction, when, for the first time, he observedthat the fairy Teach-all's garden lay upon a beautiful sloping bank notfar off. There a crowd of merry, noisy, rosy-cheeked boys, were busilyemployed, and seemed happier than the day was long; while poor MasterNo-book watched them during his own miserable hours, envying theenjoyment with which they raked the flower-borders, gathered the fruit,carried baskets of vegetables to the poor, worked with carpenters'tools, drew pictures, shot with bows and arrows, played at cricket, andthen sat in the sunny arbours learning their tasks, or talking agreeablytogether, till at length, a dinner-bell having been rung, the wholeparty sat merrily down with hearty appetites, and cheerful good-humour,to an entertainment of plain roast meat and pudding, where the fairyTeach-all presided herself, and helped her guests moderately, to as muchas was good for each.
Large tears rolled down the cheeks of Master No-book while watching thisscene; and remembering that if he had known what was best for him, hemight have been as happy as the happiest of these excellent boys,instead of suffering ennui and weariness, as he had done at the fairyDo-nothing's, ending in a miserable death; but his attention was soonafter most alarmingly roused by hearing the giant Snap-'em-up again inconversation with his cook, who said, that if he wished for a good largedish of scolloped children at dinner, it would be necessary to catch afew more, as those he had already provided would scarcely be a mouthful.
As the giant kept very fashionable hours, and always waited dinner forhimself till nine o'clock, there was still plenty of time; so, with aloud grumble about the trouble, he seized a large basket in his hand,and set off at a rapid pace towards the fairy Teach-all's garden. It wasvery seldom that Snap-'em-up ventured to think of foraging in thisdirection, as he had never once succeeded in carrying off a singlecaptive from the enclosure, it was so well fortified and so bravelydefended; but on this occasion, being desperately hungry, he felt asbold as a lion, and walked, with outstretched hands, straight towardsthe fairy Teach-all's dinner-table, taking such prodigious strides, thathe seemed almost as if he would trample on himself.
A cry of consternation arose the instant this tremendous giant appeared;and as usual on such occasions, when he had made the same attemptbefore, a dreadful battle took place. Fifty active little boys bravelyflew upon the enemy, armed with their dinner knives, and looked like anest of hornets, stinging him in every direction, till he roared withpain, and would have run away, but the fairy Teach-all, seeing hisintention, rushed forward with the carving knife, and brandishing ithigh over her head, she most courageously stabbed him to the heart!
If a great mountain had fallen in the earth, it would have seemed likenothing in comparison of the giant Snap-'em-up, who crushed two or threehouses to powder beneath him, and upset several fine monuments that wereto have made people remembered for ever; but all this would have seemedscarcely worth mentioning, had it not been for a still greater eventwhich occurred on the occasion, no less than the death of the fairyDo-nothing, who had been indolently looking on at this great battle,without taking the trouble to interfere, or even to care who wasvictorious, but, being also lazy about running away, when the giantfell, his sword came with so violent a stroke on her head, that sheinstantly expired.
Thus, luckily for the whole world, the fairy Teach-all got possession ofimmense property, which she proceeded without delay to make the best useof in her power.
In the first place, however, she lost no time in liberating MasterNo-book from his hook in the larder, and gave him a lecture on activity,moderation, and good conduct, which he never afterwards forgot; and itwas astonishing to see the change that took place immediately in hiswhole thoughts and actions. From this very hour, Master No-book becamethe most diligent, active, happy boy in the fairy Teach-all's garden;and on returning home a month afterwards, he astonished all the mastersat school by his extraordinary reformation. The most difficult lessonswere a pleasure to him,--he scarcely ever stirred without a book in hishand,--never lay on a sofa again,--would scarcely even sit on a chairwith a back to it, but preferred a three-legged stool,--detestedholidays,--never thought any exertion a trouble,--preferred climbingover the top of a hill to creeping round the bottom,--always ate theplainest food in very small quantities,--joined a TemperanceSociety!-and never tasted a morsel till he had worked very hard and gotan appetite.
Not long after this, an old uncle, who had formerly been ashamed ofMaster No-book's indolence and gluttony, became so please
d at thewonderful change, that, on his death, he left him a magnificent estate,desiring that he should take his name; therefore, instead of being anylonger one of the No-book family, he is now called Sir TimothyBluestocking,--a pattern to the whole country round, for the good hedoes to every one, and especially for his extraordinary activity,appearing as if he could do twenty things at once. Though generally verygood-natured and agreeable, Sir Timothy is occasionally observed in aviolent passion, laying about him with his walking-stick in the mostterrific manner, and beating little boys within an inch of their lives;but on inquiry, it invariably appears that he has found them out to belazy, idle, or greedy, for all the industrious boys in the parish aresent to get employment from him, while he assures them that they are farhappier breaking stones on the road, than if they were sitting idly in adrawing-room with nothing to do. Sir Timothy cares very little forpoetry in general; but the following are his favourite verses, which hehas placed over the chimney-piece at a school that he built for thepoor, and every scholar is obliged, the very day he begins hiseducation, to learn them:--
Some people complain they have nothing to do, And time passes slowly away; They saunter about with no object in view, And long for the end of the day.
In vain are the trifles and toys they desire, For nothing they truly enjoy; Of trifles, and toys, and amusements they tire, For want of some useful employ.
Although for transgression the ground was accursed, Yet gratefully man must allow, 'Twas really a blessing which doom'd him at first, To live by the sweat of his brow.
Nursery Rhymes.
"Thank you, a hundred times over, uncle David!" said Harry, when thestory was finished. "I shall take care not to be found hanging any dayon a hook in the larder! Certainly, Frank, you must have spent a monthwith the good fairy; and I hope she will some day invite me to be made ascholar of too, for Laura and I still belong to the No-book family."
"It is very important. Harry, to choose the best course from thebeginning," observed Lady Harriet. "Good or bad habits grow stronger andstronger every minute, as if an additional string were tied on daily, tokeep us in the road where we walked the day before; so those who mistakethe path of duty at first, find hourly increasing difficulty in turninground."
"But grandmama!" said Frank, "you have put up some finger-posts todirect us right; and whenever I see 'no passage this way,' we shallwheel about directly."
"As Mrs. Crabtree has not tapped at the door yet, I shall describe theprogress of a wise and a foolish man, to see which Harry and you wouldprefer copying," replied Lady Harriet, smiling. "The fool begins, whenhe is young, with hating lessons, lying long in bed, and spending allhis money on trash. Any books he will consent to read, are never aboutwhat is true or important; but he wastes all his time and thoughts onsilly stories that never could have happened. Thus he neglects to learnwhat was done, and thought, by all the great and good men who reallylived in former times, while even his Bible, if he has one, grows dustyon the shelf. After so bad a beginning, he grows up with no useful orinteresting knowledge; therefore his whole talk is to describe his ownhorses, his own dogs, his own guns, and his own exploits; boasting ofwhat a high wall his horse can leap over, the number of little birds hecan shoot in a day, and how many bottles of wine he can swallow withouttumbling under the table. Thus, 'glorying in his shame,' he thinkshimself a most wonderful person, not knowing that men are born to domuch better things than merely to find selfish pleasure and amusementfor themselves. Presently he grows old, gouty, and infirm--no longerable to do such prodigious achievements; therefore now his great delightis, to sit with his feet upon the fender, at a club all day, tellingwhat a famous rider, shooter, and drinker, he was long ago; but nobodycares to hear such old stories; therefore he is called a 'proser,' andevery person avoids him. It is no wonder a man talks about himself, ifhe has never read or thought about any one else. But at length hisprecious time has all been wasted, and his last hour comes, during whichhe can have nothing to look back upon but a life of folly and guilt. Hesees no one around who loves him, or will weep over his grave; and whenhe looks forward, it is towards an eternal world which he has neverprepared to enter, and of which he knows nothing."
"What a terrible picture, grandmama!" said Frank, rather gravely. "Ihope there are not many people like that, or it would be very sad tomeet with them. Now pray let us have a pleasanter description of thesort of persons you would like Harry and me to become."
"The first foundation of all is, as you already know, Frank, to praythat you may be put in the right course and kept in it, for of ourselveswe are so sinful and weak that we can do no good thing. Then feeling afull trust in the Divine assistance, you must begin and end every daywith studying your Bible, not merely reading it, but carefullyendeavouring to understand and obey what it contains. Our leisure shouldbe bestowed on reading of wiser and better people than ourselves, whichwill keep us humble while it instructs our understandings, and thus weshall be fitted to associate with persons whose society is even betterthan books. Christians who are enlightened and sanctified in theknowledge of all good things, will show us an example of carefully usingour time, which is the most valuable of all earthly possessions. If wewaste our money, we may perhaps get more--if we lose our health, it maybe restored--but time squandered on folly, must hereafter be answeredfor, and can never be regained. Whatever be your station in life, wastenone of your thoughts upon fancying how much better you might have actedin some other person's place, but see what duties belong to that stationin which you live, and do what that requires with activity anddiligence. When we are called to give an account of our stewardship, letus not have to confess at the last that we wasted our one talent,because we wished to have been trusted with ten; but let us prepare torender up what was given to us, with joy and thankfulness, perfectlysatisfied that the best place in life is where God appoints, and whereHe will guide us to a safe and peaceful end."
"Yes!" added Major Graham. "You have two eyes in your minds as well asin your bodies. With one of these we see all that is good or agreeablein our lot--with the other we see all that is unpleasant ordisappointing, and you may generally choose which eye to keep open. Someof my friends always peevishly look at the troubles and vexations theyendure, but they might turn them into good, by considering that everycircumstance is sent from the same hand, with the same mercifulpurpose--to make us better now and happier hereafter."
"Well! my dear children," said Lady Harriet, "it is time now forretiring to Bedfordshire; so good night."
"If you please, grandmama! not yet," asked Harry, anxiously. "Give usfive minutes longer!"
"And then in the morning you will want to remain five minutes more inbed. That is the way people learn to keep such dreadfully late hours atlast, Harry! I knew one very rich old gentleman formerly, who alwayswished to sit up a little later every night, and to get up a littlelater in the morning, till at length, he ended by hiring a set ofservants to rise at nine in the evening, as he did himself, and toremain in bed all day."
"People should regulate their sleep very conscientiously," added MajorGraham, "so as to waste as little time as possible; and our good kingGeorge III. set us the example, for he remarked, that six hours in thenight were quite enough for a man--seven hours for a woman, and eightfor a fool. Or perhaps, Harry, you might like to live by Sir WilliamJones' rule:
'Six hours to read, to soothing slumber seven, Ten to the world allot--and all to Heaven.'"