You tried to stay so strong, you helped me carry on.
So we move along but now we're hand in hand.
With the two of us, we're so damn strong.
Nothing can stand before us, or slow us down.
We'll carry on, our love will help us out.
Chapter 15: Letters from the Heart
Letters from the Heart: September 6, 2003
I had never met you before, you were just a picture on a screen, a voice on the phone, but oh how you intrigued me!
Your voice stirred me, excited me, drew me in! I spent many nights talking with you, listening to your raw purring sexy voice, frustrated without release, hoping to one day meet you.
Evenings before sleep were spent in bed with you, but the distance between I could not say; only a hand receiver separated us. If I could have touched you I would have! My dreams were filled with a woman I didn't know, what have you done to me?
When are we going to meet?
Letters from the Heart: September 13, 2003
We went out tonight; I finally got to meet you. Were my expectations met? No, and then you exceeded them, I know no other way to say it. You were pretty, but it was your attitude, the way you held yourself, the strength you exuded, that is what drew me to you.
We talked and looked at one another, I found myself swimming within your gaze, found myself drowning, lost without a life jacket to keep me at the surface. Your touch was electric and a shiver would course through my body. When the movie started, I was sad that we could no longer talk, and instead of the screen before us, I felt myself focused on the woman beside me!
When the movie ended we talked a short time longer as we walked to your car, I didn't want it to end, though I knew it needed to, I had hoped you felt the same way! It wasn't until later when I talked to you on the phone before sleep, did I know you too, did not want it to end.
My sleep was wonderful and yet also uncomfortable as you filled my dreams. When can I see you again?
Letters from the Heart: September 21, 2003
I liked you spending the day with me today, it was wonderful. I liked that your hand always found mine when we walked, and your eyes danced when you looked at me, how your simple smile would make me melt!
When you left my heart gave a little, I didn't want you to go and though I'm just starting to get to know you, I think I don't ever want you to go.
I loved that you called when you got home and we talked for another hour or two, how long I don't know, the time seemed but an instant; not nearly long enough! I need to ask what you've done to me to make me feel this way? It's been along time since I felt like this and you came out of nowhere, blindsided me.
When the phone was finally hung up I felt as if I was hit by a truck, my body ached so! Is this how it’s always going to be? If so, I'm unsure how long I can last, being unconditioned as I am with matters of the heart!
Yet as I write this I ask myself eagerly, "When will she see you again?" Know this though; I go to bed with you here with me, for since meeting you, you are never far from my thoughts.
Letters from the Heart: September 28, 2003
I woke this morning excited and uncomfortable, bursting, with you in my thoughts and I wonder if I will ever get to wake up and find you laying, sleeping, easily beside me. I hated the day before it even started, knowing that today I would neither get to see you or hear you, the first since we've met. Why did you have to go away? Do you know that you have my heartstrings in your hand, and when you left you stretched them to the limit, so much so, I'm afraid that they might break!
My day was spent lost, I felt as if I had no purpose today and instead found myself dreaming of being in your arms, feeling your lips, oh how I ached and hated you being away, why should it hurt so... so much?
I feel so fragile, so brittle with you not here with me, hurry back, hurry back my heart can only be made strong with your presence, your touch, your kiss!
Hurry back please.
Letters from the Heart: October 3, 2003
Yesterday was your birthday. Yesterday we finally came together, I feel weak just thinking about it. It was all and more than I had hoped it to be. You looked gorgeous when I picked you up, and when you met me at the door I could hardly wait to take you in my arms and kiss you, you made my legs quiver just looking at you.
Our meal at the restaurant couldn't have been better, great wine, great food, beautiful company. I was glad that you couldn't see under the table, I was hard all night and couldn't wait for the meal to end so I could just have you in my arms once more. The cheque came and we seemed to fly out of there or at least to me we did, and when I opened the car door for you and you kissed me then ran your hands through my hair! Well, I thought if I died right then and there it would be in bliss, yes with love in my heart!
Love, is it to early for love, I don't know?
I don't remember the drive back to your place, your hand on my knee made it a blur and I was sure by then you knew the condition I was in. I loved how we spilled through the door of your bedroom, bodies entwined lips locked, eyes ablaze. I wanted to tear your clothes off but allowed you to slowly dance out of them, showing me your body for the first time. I drank you in, your scent, your vision, god I wanted you, and feared when you started to undress me that I would be done before we started!
The evening was incredible, sensual, passionate, it seemed to last forever, and as I write this I can still taste you, smell you, feel you and wish I could be there with you again right now. Your very touch was electric and I hope I pleased you as well as you pleased me.
For my earlier question, love? If love is a fever then I'm lost, for my body burns for you, my heart double beats and is beyond my control, and I find it hard to breathe, if this is love, then I truly am lost within its heavy grasp. I have a disease with which I care for no cure, and its name is Meagan and I wish to be lost to it entirely!
Letters from the Heart: October 10, 2003
I felt so selfish today. You called with tears in your voice, waking me from my sleep as you sobbed quietly into the phone. You went to the doctor today and he told you the news, what he found, I'm sorry. After talking to you I found myself laying in my bed wondering if this is what I want, if I could cope with this in my life, if I chose to stay would I be able to handle it?
I need to tell you that I fought with it for hours; cancer was always just a word to me, nothing more. It had no impact on my life up until now, it was something I had no worries or fears about, it had no place in my life. Now its there! Big as life itself, and I don't know what to do? Have I come to a decision? I don't know, I do know that I can't just let you fall from my life; will I be able to handle it with you? Again I can't answer that, my heart aches for you and all I want to do is hold you, let you shake against my chest, let your tears soak into my hair.
I want you Meagan, I need you and I will try to be there for as long as you want me. I found myself reaching for the phone and calling work, it’s the last place I want to be today, and I think it best that I not be there, for my mind will be clouded and unsafe. Instead I will call you and tell you to come here so I can hold you.
Don't cry Meagan let me take your sorrow away.
Letters from the Heart: October 11, 2003
Though I see you no more on this day, your presence still lingers!
You filled my evening with joy, with pleasure and alas with sadness, but I would not have had it any other way. You shared your life, your spirit, and to a lesser extent your body with me, and in the end you filled me, to my core, to my very existence, with your beauty, your mind, your heart, I miss you already.
Though my bed may now be empty of you, I can still feel you there, smell you there and it makes me ache, it makes me yearn for your return. I look forward to you in my arms once more, your head on my chest, your lips on my lips and your gaze in my gaze. I wish to have your presence fill my very being once again.
So in the end, I find myself waiting, no hoping for your swift return.
Letters from the Heart: October 18, 2003
Since the other night we don't talk about it, we don't say the C-word, I won't bring it up and I think you're afraid to. You're waiting, no, we're waiting for more tests, so they can determine the extent of damage and the best way to proceed, it scares me, so you must be absolutely petrified!
I've decided to stay though, I don't know what that means to you but I've decided I don't want you to not be in my life, and I'm willing to go down this path with you. I've also decided to ignore your words from the other night; I know you didn't want to start a relationship this way but you can't always choose in matters of the heart. It chooses for us! I will be your strength, your wall, I will hold you, comfort you. I will kiss away the tears and hold you to my chest; I'm going to stay.
Don't expect to change my mind; though our future may not be decided and may actually lie in haze, I am willing to go into the unknown with you. I only hope I can be of strength for you, your pillar of hope. So bring what may, together we can stand and take on anything.
Letters from the Heart: October 28, 2003
Though we pretend everything is all right, it lays heavy in both of our minds and hearts. The waiting is the hardest part and even though you are afraid of what the results may turn up, I can tell you can't wait, and just want to know. The uncertainty of the situation is the most difficult part for you, for me.
You broke last night, your body shook and quivered and the tears flowed freely and all I could do was hold you. This is hard for me and I feel so helpless not being able to take the worry away, I don't know if I can handle this, and this is only the waiting! What will I do if the news comes back as the worst? Please tell me what you want, what you need for me to do because I'm lost. Is being here, Is that enough from me, does my simple presence help at all? I hope so because I have nothing else to give, to offer. I feel so helpless!
So I lay in bed writing this and I feel as if I'm being pulled in different directions, I care so much for you right now and want to just hold you. Then on the other hand I'm frightened, I'm so afraid of what might happen. Could my heart take it if we actually fall in love only to have this disease take you away, would it be easier to say goodbye now? But could my heart take that as well? I don't know if I'm in love, don't know if you're in love but I crave you, I can't seem to go three hours without hearing your voice, so how could I say goodbye.
So where am I? I'm still by your side and though my fear is great, my feelings override the trepidation I feel.
Letters from the Heart: November 5, 2003
You went to the doctor today and I'm left waiting for the news. I offered to go with you but you told me, "No. I don't know if I could handle you there with me!" So I'm left waiting to hear from you.
My day goes painfully slow and my emotions run wild, not sure of how I will react to the outcome. I can't sit still but yet find myself tiring from my endless pacing, why would you not want me there? Is this your way of releasing me from this burden? What if I don't wish to be released, what if I wish to be your strength? What if I can't be?
My head hurts and the day slowly darkens and yet I have heard nothing! Meagan why haven't you called, what is going on?
Letters from the Heart: November 6th, 2003
You never called last night and I couldn't take it anymore, I called you. You never picked up, I hated you so much at the moment, I almost decided there and then to leave it all! You, my happiness, all of it out the window. I fumed for what seemed like hours to me before deciding, "Fuck this!"
The drive to your place flew by and I knew pulling up you were home. Your car was in your parking spot and your lights were on. I still fumed as I walked to your door and rang. My heart was still angry when your sobbing voice reached me from within. "Yes," you had managed. My anger flew from me in that instant, evaporating like the water droplet on the hot burner.
I knew in that moment it wasn't good, the news. "Meagan let me in," was all I could whisper. I could hear you fumble with the locks and as the door slowly opened, I could see your eyes red and puffy from your crying. I could hardly contain myself as you fell into my arms sobbing.
The rest of the night I just held you, you would not speak but your arms never left me, wrapped tightly around pulling me close. Even when you fell asleep I tried to move you to your bed but yet you still would not let go. I held you as you held me until I too fell away to sleep. Still not knowing what was the outcome from the day.
Letters from the Heart: November 7th, 2003
After you woke yesterday, you gave me a weary smile and told me you must go to the hospital today. The morning you spent filling a small suitcase and then walking around your home looking at everything! As if for the last time, you seem to register every leaf of every plant almost like you were storing the images away for another day. My heart broke to see you this way and it took all my effort, not to weep quietly.
I drove you to the hospital and my car was filled with a weary silence, the only words spoken was that of your hand on my knee, and it seemed to speak volumes of the comfort you got from my presence.
We checked you in and as the nurse guided us to your shared room I followed with your suitcase in hand, your fallen shoulders told me of your fear. I stowed your things away in the small closet as you dressed yourself in the cold light blue dressing gown, declaring yourself as one of the frail.
I sat beside you and held your hand as you looked away, dreading to look at me. I wanted to scream, "Wake Up Damn it! I'm here let me share this with you!" But I didn't, I kept my silence and gave you my hand for comfort.
Sometime in the afternoon the doctor came in and offered you a small smile, which you did not return. He talked to you at length of what they were going to do and though I tried to follow along, I got lost in the medical jargon and the only things I remembered were cancer starting in your lungs, and the cancerous tumor within your brain. Everything else refused to register.
The rest of the day was spent with you sobbing, and me sitting next to you until the nurse finally came in and said I must go. The few words you spoke to me were at that moment as you held on tightly to my arm as if it was the only thing saving you. You whispered, "Thank you," then pulled me down to kiss you.
I still taste your lips as I write this, home now in my own bed unable to sleep.
Letters from the Heart: November 8, 2003
What is it about hospital rooms, hospital beds? When I entered you room and looked at you, even though you didn't look different from yesterday, yet you still did. I couldn't explain if you asked me, but it seemed like the bed overwhelmed you making you look smaller, frail. Maybe it's just my imagination.
You were asleep when I entered and an older woman sat in the lone chair in your curtained area. She had looked up at me as if asking who I was, then she spoke, "Scott?" I could only nod my head as I glanced quickly from you to her, then back again, I didn't want to lose your vision from my eyes.
She slowly climbed from her chair and took a step towards me, her hand extended. I had glanced at it then moved to take it in my own. Instead she collapsed against me, tears in her throat. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed as I had helped her back to the chair. "I didn't mean to burden you!"
I did not know what to say and felt ashamed. "She's all I have, her father passed a few years back." Was all she managed. I sat gently on the edge of your bed so as to not wake you. I didn't speak but then I didn't think she wanted me to. "I'm Evelyn, Meagan's mom." she said with a weak smile, "I came in from Calgary this morning." Her eyes drifted back to your peaceful shape under the covers. "And you are Scott, Meagan filled me in all morning. I'm sorry we've burdened you with this."
I couldn't answer but lowered my eyes. I wished you had been awake, I had to work tonight and couldn't stay long and wished to spend it with you. "I want to thank you," she spoke, "for the c
omfort and love you are showing my daughter, she may not say it but it means so much to her."
I was there for 2 hours, and you never woke the entire time and when I rose to leave your mother hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, "I'll tell her you were here." I nodded and left the room.
I'm stuck at work but know that my thoughts forever remain with you.
Letters from the Heart: November 15, 2003
It’s been a week now since you've been in the hospital. Your mother at your side through it all, through all the tests, the chemo. You smile when I come, but your eyes show me that you don't want me to see you this way. You've taken to wearing a bandana to cover the hair loss from your treatments. You don't understand, your beauty can't fail in my eyes, hair or not. It is the whole of you that I love not a part.
Your mother and I have talked lots as well, while you were getting treatment, or slept from your ordeals. She is a lovely woman and though she is stretched haggard I see where your energy and light comes from.
She holds my hand lots, and though it makes me slightly uncomfortable I will not let her relinquish me because of the strength she seems to gain from it, I wish not to take that away.
I laughed today also as your mother told me stories of your childhood. She told me one which I don't think I'll ever forget. She told me about a time when you were 5 or 6 years old. You were at a park for the day, a family picnic, you were dressed in a white cotton summer dress, the ones little girls always seem to wear. Well you had seen a frog and decided you were going to catch it, you chased it and chased it, and after a time your mother stopped watching you. A short time later you came back, mud from head to toe, your dress caked in it but you had a big smile on your face.